to not feel that we are negligent parents because five-year-old DD is not doing ballet/swimming/music/horse riding/Chinese eighteen times a week? Argh!

[RooTwo]

I am so infuriated with DH - we seem to have this conversation about once a month where he goes 'xxx (fill in name of peer) was riding her unicycle today - why is DD not doing this?' and I reiterated how happy she is and how much stuff she DOES do (we go swimming a lot, she is starting general music lesson) and how I don't feel the need to push her to be doing a thousand extra-curricular activities. She is so little - just in Year one, and getting to grips with school, and we have busy happy lives - she has lots of friends and we do lots, so really, what is the problem? I feel as if DH and I have this fundamental incompatibility in terms of how we perceive children's development at this stage and how much we think we need do to to push them in terms of them achieving their potential. He seems to feel that by not getting her to do xxxx and xxx and xxx that she is NOT being fulfilled and that we are not doing our best by her as parents.

We do happen to surrounded by a lot of parents who are fairly pushy (in a nice way) and I think he sees them and thinks, why aren't we doing that? Whereas I see a happy little girl whose horizons are constantly being expanded and who could not fail to be a clever and lovely thing. Argh! Does anyone else have this kind of problem and how the heck do I reassure DH that we are doing fine?

Plenty of time yet. Let the child guide you on this, if she's really into something for quite a while then consider it. Otherwise it gets ridiculously expensive for something they will only want to drop in a few months.

I will say though my DS is nearly 14 now and I encouraged Beavers, cubs, scouts and it will be explorers soon. He also goes to Sea Cadets.

What I've tried to encourage is consistency.

Scouts only costs £1 a week (but you have to purchase the uniform and subsidise trips)

Cadets you pay nothing, even the uniforms are free.

My 6 yo does 6 hours of gymnastics a week.sometimes she moans she doesn't want to go, but always likes it when she gets there.

I think your dd is still very young andthere is no driving need that I can see for her to do anything that she is not doing but I wonder why the father's opinion counts for nothing at all in all this.

Your DH's opinion and wishes should count for something, surely, whether you agree with him or not. Sit down with him and work out a compromise in which he participates in organising/taking your DD to an activity too. You'll both see quickly whether she can cope or not.

My DD's only 3 and at preschool but really thrives at her multiskills and gym classes after school. Preschool is much more sedentary than her nursery was so she loves running around like a loon in her classes. Moreover, she's really benefited from the classes in that she takes instruction really well and has learned to listen to the teacher.

She is exhausted afterwards but it's a happy exhaustion and she sleeps so well as a result (7pm bedtime).

The rest of the time she plays freely and goes to the park.

If any of her activities cease to make her happy or over-exhausts her - especially when she starts proper school next year, then we'll stop one or more. But I'll generally take my lead from her.

My DDs do relatively little, the sad thing for DD1 is that many of her friends are n't available to just play because they have gym/trampolining/stagecoach.

By observation, the pfbs tend to try an awful lot of activities very young but only for awhile and the attendence tends to tail off towards the end of the school term dramatically. The younger ones get dragged round village halls and sports halls entertained with felt tips or fancy iphones. As the younger ones get older they tend not to do trampolining/violin/eyes and teeth dance shows because the parents have been there, seen that and want to try something new.

DD1 is enjoying Beavers and because it has a good mixed programme it gives her a chance to try lots of stuff without a long term kit and fee commitment.

I'd be asking your childs friends parents exactly how many classes they actually attend and what other activities have already fallen by the wayside.

I do look out for short/one day activities for the girls especially during the hols.

Just tell your DH it's fine, she can sign up for all these activities but, if it's so important to him, he can budget for it, organise it and do all the to and froing.

I have a feeling the problem will resolve itself... [hgrin]

School holiday clubs are a good way of trying things out without committing to a term's worth of fees.

I do think maybe a compromise here OP, maybe as others have said ask DH and DD if there is one particular activity that would be good and give it a try. The 5-7 age group is prime time to try many activities, from about 7 onwards it tends to all get a bit serious for a lot of things, eg exams, matches, competitions, extra training, so it's good to have tried them out and found which if any your family wants to commit to longer term, that is what we are doing now, we have so far (DCs are 5 and 7) steered away from any real commitment, but when it starts rearing it's head we will have a serious think about our schedule. Rainbows / Beavers are good because they are cheap and exam etc free, but there can be long waiting lists.

DD started dancing lessons when she was 3. she gave me no choice! She has just gone into grade 5 ballet and grade 5 modern.
She rides on a Saturday if we are free
DS does tennis once a week
our gym membership includes unlimited use of the pool. They have never had lessons - just the 4 of us messing about in the water a lot since before they can remember
the ideal Sunday involves not undoing the chain on the front door

I see so many pushy tennis mums and DD comments that almost all the kids at orchestra are there under parental duress, not my idea of fun.

YANBU - part of development includes imagination, resourcefullness, entertaining yourself and yes, being bored. If we schedule every waking minute of our child's lives, we are depriving them of developing independence and knowing their own mind. Two essential life skills, and arguably more useful that being able to play chopsticks on a piano.

A friend of mine stuffed her kids every waking moments with after school and weekend activities. They all hated it. When they went to a mutual friends house to play with their kids, her kids kept coming to the adults asking what they were going to do next. They simply couldn't play in garden with other children. It was very sad.

Yanbu.

If your kid shows an interested and asks to join a club or activity then of course you'd encourage that, but some kids are at ridiculous amounts of classes with no 'down time' at all.

pixi
that is SO true
kids come to "play" and freak when I will not put the TV on or "entertain" them
DS will happily create a world in lego all over his floor
some of his friends arrive to play with consoles, wii games, dvds and the rest
sad

I have been a nanny for twenty years and the biggest change I have seen in children is now their days are so filled up with clubs and activities they do not have a clue how to entertain themselves , have no imagination and get bored very quickly.

woohoo redglow - i think i love you!

you're just getting old, redglow, complaining that the young don't know how to entertain themselves.

When my DS was at day nursery, the staff of the pre-school room had all been reading about 'infant burn-out' caused by under fives doing too many organised activities, and not having enough time to recover and relax between them. In severe cases, it manifested as complete breakdown of behaviour, unwillingness to do as asked, monumental tantrums, or even lethargy; not eating, getting up or engaging in previously enjoyed activities. Almost like a nervous breakdown. Their health suffered too, stress caused a reduced immune system and they were often ill. It was potentially damaging for their long term health in adulthood, higher incidence of depression and stress induced conditions.

I used to work on the basis of no more than two activities per week during term time, which started with one activity (Beavers) from age six. The rest of the time was at home, with family, or going to tea/having a friend to tea maybe once a week, and playing with friends locally.

redglow is right, and in fact the problem has been growing worse for much more than twenty years, with parents trying to outdo each other with how much their DC do.

GD (12) only does one activity (riding) but she rides and cares for her ponies every day. She rides to a good standard, enjoys competing, hunting and Pony Club and all the rest of it, as well as hanging out with the other girls on the yard, and we all ride out together at least 3 times a week. GS rides, but not as much, plays golf (with DH) twice a week and rugby once a week (will increase to twice)

It is time consuming, and we do have to compromise on other stuff, but the kids aren't burnt out and are very proud of their developing ability in sports that they absolutely love. And they are both really fit which is a bonus (and it keeps the weight off me )

We do nothing at the weekend as yet, my eldest is just turned 8 and JUST started showing in interest in drama, so we're looking into that. Other than swimming with the family and the ocassional 5 week course after school (boxercise was the latest one) for an hour, we do no structured out of school activities at all.

I encourage 'boring days' especially during 1/2 term... and so far this week the kids have decided for themselves to build a den in the garden (without asking, I had to rescue my whirlygig and some sheets that were drying on the line!) built a city from lego, and spent many happy hours tole playing and generally goofing off in the garden. Though its created a mess (and I think THIS is another reason why people love clubs!) I've enjoyed watching them.

I don't think extra curricular clubs damage kids and I know a few children who they work very very well for, if I was my friend's son's mother then I'd fill the week with clubs!

There is room for compromise. Is there something you think your dd would absolutely love if she tried? Something she CAN'T do at home (I did horseriding, never owned a horse, never got the hang of it but absolutely loved it) so that both you and your DH are listened to?

I may be getting old but children are exhausted now and cannor entertyain themselves and I do not think the children are better for it.

My own son does football which he loves, my daughter does horse riding but not every day of the week. Leave time for them to chill out and relax and let them build camps and let them be kids as everything seems to be a competition with kids. Also fine if you have one child but what about the siblings that are dragged along in all weathers picking up or dropping of. So they all get less time at home.

I am a school teacher and think that children are very tired when they come into school. Some parents are so pushy and todays children do get bored easily. Lots of my pupils are doing loads in half term so equally they will come get back tired instead of having nice lazy lie ins and a restful week. Let kids be kids.

I think its really important to go at your child's pace. My oldest is in Year 2 and just isn't really up for after school activities. He is just too tired and needs to unwind, veg out, watch telly or read after a long day at school. He has one computer club that he goes to once a week and that is definitely enough for him. At weekends, he has loads more energy and does football, swimming and piano - but we have built those up slowly, adding one class at a time and seeing how it goes.

You know your child best. She has plenty of years ahead of her to try things out. If she would find it too tiring or overwhelming right now, go with the flow. Your DH is being a bit silly!

hangon- may be their parents work to pay your wages and they and their kids don't have the luxury of having 13 weeks of state funded lie-ins a year!!

Spiderpig I am a nanny and these parents pay me and pay for clubs. They could lie in and rest but the parents want them busy all the time. I watch the clock all do and they do. The kids I look after will go back to school tired.

Thanks redglow, but the comment was directed at hangon, which is why I began the post 'hangon-'

but redglow does have a valid point there

Spiderpig can you explain what that has got to do with the original post?