to not feel that we are negligent parents because five-year-old DD is not doing ballet/swimming/music/horse riding/Chinese eighteen times a week? Argh!

[RooTwo]

I am so infuriated with DH - we seem to have this conversation about once a month where he goes 'xxx (fill in name of peer) was riding her unicycle today - why is DD not doing this?' and I reiterated how happy she is and how much stuff she DOES do (we go swimming a lot, she is starting general music lesson) and how I don't feel the need to push her to be doing a thousand extra-curricular activities. She is so little - just in Year one, and getting to grips with school, and we have busy happy lives - she has lots of friends and we do lots, so really, what is the problem? I feel as if DH and I have this fundamental incompatibility in terms of how we perceive children's development at this stage and how much we think we need do to to push them in terms of them achieving their potential. He seems to feel that by not getting her to do xxxx and xxx and xxx that she is NOT being fulfilled and that we are not doing our best by her as parents.

We do happen to surrounded by a lot of parents who are fairly pushy (in a nice way) and I think he sees them and thinks, why aren't we doing that? Whereas I see a happy little girl whose horizons are constantly being expanded and who could not fail to be a clever and lovely thing. Argh! Does anyone else have this kind of problem and how the heck do I reassure DH that we are doing fine?

Try reading a book called Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne, and you will see that you are absoulutely doing the right thing - good on you!

Oh yeah - and I teach him music but in a really bonkers way that gets him to appreciate and music and his movement (rather than with instrument).

Saves money, saves my time and his.

hepcat I agree that they just have so much going on at this age don't they - my DD is still getting used to school, really, having only had two terms in reception before starting in Year one this autumn. It's pretty full on for her and I want her to get settled and learn to read and find her feet socially.

It's an unfortunate name for the book though isn't it (Idle Parenting) - this will only feed DH's view that we are somehow being lazy parents, rather than making an active choice not to over-schedule our children's free time.

Definitely not confined to down south. Its rife here in the north. Most of ds' friends do something every night AND on the weekend!- tennis, swimming , football, french, beavers, music , street dance etc....I feel inadequate but I cant manage all that (let alone ds)

We are a nation where out kids are knackered and the parents skint!

Yes, I see what you're saying, 5 is very young.

I have had a weird kind of two 'shots' at parenting as i had three - big gap- then three

i did do all the swimming /art class/tap/beavers/drama/guitar lessons with the first three - it WAS hell for me but i am still not sure it was anything less for them in retrospect

dcs 4,5 and 6 aged 3,5 and 8 do nothing! The 8 year old goes to choir once a week and this summer did cricket for the season. Both are great. Both were requested by him - never moans goes along happily. He can swim ( we taught him) and he is a very self confident self assured contented child. Brill at doing nothing much. I must admit we - as parents - do delight in this ability to do 'naff all' and not moan - never say they are bored. I personally believe this is a life skill to be captured and nurtured throughout childhood and has far more long value than the structured after school stuff they all do.

Once they actively show an interest in something - for themselves and NOT because the whole peer group is doing it - then do indulge that interest but until then - save your cash and chill!

Totally agree.

My dd, also year 1 does nothing except swimming lesson. Just had her parents' evening to be told that she is exceptional, reading levels of an 8 year old, excellent writing skills. Socially she has lots of friends and is a pleasure to teach according to her teacher. So we must have something right.

At home we play play dough, read stories, play board games and watch Tom and Jerry. I see no need to change things.

Sounds like my dh! Dcs already do dancing,gymnastics,football and karate. Now he is going on about them getting swimning lessons and seeing as the local pool has hiked up their prices we really cant afford it

I did point out to dh that we shelled out for 2 years worth of swimning lessons for pfb-back when we had money to burn!-and he still couldnt swim! He has only learned in the past year when we went on holiday.

I made a rod for my own back with pfb actually-he likes to constantly be out doing things-usually stuff that costs money-whereas other two are still happy to do the boring/free stuff,go to park,for a walk etc. Long may it last! I must get that book!

So good to see that I am not (mostly) being unreasonable! I wonder if I dare let DH read this thread. I think he might be convinced!

As a side note, it might be worth your DH noting that having a patent so critical competitive on her behalf is pretty damaging for a child's self-esteem.

My DF was like this - more interested in what the other kids were doing than my own achievements.

"Oh you got an A? Well done How many other girls got As? Isn't Bethany the girl who won the unicycling award last week? Ah well never mind" etc etc.

It can be pretty shitty and your DH should have a think about how this will come across to your DD when she's older because she really will feel it.

my DC3 - now aged nine - still can't ride a bike, and isn't remotely keen to learn to do so. only recently learned to swim.
DDs 1 and 2 (now aged 21 and 18) did all of this stuff very early on but don't seem to be any better people for it.
Do what suits you and your Dc and tell everyone else to get stuffed.

YANBU OP.

Children need time to relax just like adults do. It's even more important when they start school.

For me it's about giving them choices and the chance to try new things, so they can find out what they like. I would never force a child to do something they don't enjoy.

The problem with pushing children into doing too many things in their week is the lack of a childhood - young people that I consider to be children (age 7 to 12) just aren't anymore.

I remember being 7 (and I'm only 27 now) and thinking about being a princess and dressing up ect, my 7 year old niece is worrying about her weight and whether she has a boyfriend. Children should be allowed to be children rather than trying to make them young adults by the time their 5, by giving them busy schedules which puts pressure on them and you as a parent. The children are under stress to perform well especially if they don't enjoy it because what child doesn't want their parent to be proud at that age and then the parents are forced into running round after the end of their own busy day to taxi them to and from all these things.

It is nice that parents want to expose their children to new experiences and activities but this shouldn't be at the expense of simply learning to be themselves and spending time with their family.

I don't think anyone can say you're doing the right thing or not, without knowing you and your children. My DD does some extra stuff (turned five this month) - one of the reasons I encourage it is because she is an only child, lives in the middle of nowhere and has only one other girl in her class. She actually wouldn't be just as happy in the garden with sticks: she needs to socialise with other children and a good way to make friends and have fun is to join in with activities.

As with the vast majority of parenting dilemmas, I think the answer is that it depends on the child and everything in moderation is usually fine.

Hmm, I feel bad that 4 yo dd1 does no extra curricular activities yet. And as for the 1 yo, she doesn't even get to go to baby groups! Yet friends children are all doing aqua tots, Steiner playgroups, dancing etc. I'm hoping they'll be book worms as the library is free and not unreasonable hours!

Delirious - your friends are overdoing it! I'm sure your dd is v happy. My youngest is 4 and does nothing as well

My eldest waited until longer to do things, he wasn't interested, my youngest is doing things earlier because he sees his older siblings and wants to try too.

Some things have worked, he started piano halfway through Y1 for instance, against my wishes really as I thought he was too young. He proved me wrong, practices better than his brother who is 5 years older.

I think they need to be interested first.

Would also like to say that my daughter, who through choice is incredibly busy (and would do more if I let her) has 'grown up' far more slowly than many of the girls round her. I don't think the activities have anything to do worrying about boys and weight.

IMHO children NEED down time to learn how to entertain themselves, Bored is Good! I think it is BAD to organise your dc.s time to the x degree.

YANBU, my DS is 7 now and does 2 activities a week which actually happen to be swimming lessons as he's in a club and they train twice a week. He used to do dancing once a week but he swapped it for swimming. He goes to after school club because I work and stays there later (5.30pm ish) 2 evenings a week, he gets to play and do fun activites with children ranging from 4-12 years old. The ASC, so playing I do not count as an activity but see it's value as being high iyswim?

He would collapse if he did more!

YANBU, not at all. I second looking at The Idle Parent (stupid name for a book though- how about 'the laid back parent' or 'the child led parent'?) and/or researching play deprivation. 'Play' is actually my profession (don't often enjoy explaining that to people) and there is plenty of research to back up how important play is to a child's development (play defined as "freely chosen and personally directed, intrinsically motivated behaviour that actively engages the child.") IMHO at your DD's age she needs more of that than anything else. If your interested in play theory at all (or you think a academic argument would help sway your DH) look up Bob Hughes- then you could quote a couple play types etc

*you're