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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not feel that we are negligent parents because five-year-old DD is not doing ballet/swimming/music/horse riding/Chinese eighteen times a week? Argh!

102 replies

RooTwo · 22/10/2011 20:48

I am so infuriated with DH - we seem to have this conversation about once a month where he goes 'xxx (fill in name of peer) was riding her unicycle today - why is DD not doing this?' and I reiterated how happy she is and how much stuff she DOES do (we go swimming a lot, she is starting general music lesson) and how I don't feel the need to push her to be doing a thousand extra-curricular activities. She is so little - just in Year one, and getting to grips with school, and we have busy happy lives - she has lots of friends and we do lots, so really, what is the problem? I feel as if DH and I have this fundamental incompatibility in terms of how we perceive children's development at this stage and how much we think we need do to to push them in terms of them achieving their potential. He seems to feel that by not getting her to do xxxx and xxx and xxx that she is NOT being fulfilled and that we are not doing our best by her as parents.

We do happen to surrounded by a lot of parents who are fairly pushy (in a nice way) and I think he sees them and thinks, why aren't we doing that? Whereas I see a happy little girl whose horizons are constantly being expanded and who could not fail to be a clever and lovely thing. Argh! Does anyone else have this kind of problem and how the heck do I reassure DH that we are doing fine?

OP posts:
purplewerepidj · 22/10/2011 20:55

"Because we don't want her so tired she turns into a spoiled little brat as soon as she walks in the door"

Sirzy · 22/10/2011 20:57

Is your daughter happy? If you YANBU. What your husband (or you) expects her to do is irrelevant, she should be doing what makes her feel happy when it comes to extra curricular type stuff.

troisgarcons · 22/10/2011 20:57

Erm, try the: imagination is far better than structured parental choices activities

Cantilever · 22/10/2011 20:57

Take him to a competitive gymnastics coaching session and let him see, along with the talented children who love what they do some quite probably equally talented children who are clearly totally unhappy with being there but are told by their pushy parents that they must continue. He'll soon come round to your way of thinking.

Sirzy · 22/10/2011 20:57

if so, not if you!

Original poster
RooTwo · 22/10/2011 20:58

Yep, but you see, her little multi-talented extra-curriculared-up-to-their-eyeballs friends all happen to be completely nice and lovely, so that is not helping my argument to DH ... Problem is that he went to a prep school so at age 5 he was learning violin and going to school 6 days a week and all kinds of nonsense, so he just doesn't get it.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 22/10/2011 21:00

You have got the balance absolutely right Roo. I think primary school children do so many extra curricular activities in my area (Oxford) that they are burnt out by the time they reach their teens. One or two fine, three even, (per week)but we know lots of kids that do 2 and in one case 3 activities a day (after school).

giveitago · 22/10/2011 21:01

Roo - our kids at the same school? I feel the same. ds does two after schools (fun and certainly not culturally/academic enhancing) activities (mainly so we can work) - more than enough for him at that age.

I was rather worried at first but now I'm feeling so much more confident with our choices. DS is clearly a failure because he needs a bit of down time and family time!

Aislingorla · 22/10/2011 21:02

..and they end up being ''Jack of all trades, master of none'' !
Why do parents encourage this?

Original poster
RooTwo · 22/10/2011 21:03

That's what I think, Aislingorla. We have SO many years of this ahead of us - extra-curricular stuff - that I see absolutely no need to be charging into this full steam now. We will all just get worn out! I imagine it's more like in a couple of years time that she will be ready for more of this kind of thing - and when she is old enough to have more of a sense of what kind of thing SHE wants to be doing (she really doesn't have a clue now, and flits from one thing to the next)

OP posts:
iMemoo · 22/10/2011 21:03

You sound like a really good and sensible mum. Stick to your guns.

Aislingorla · 22/10/2011 21:05

Good for you Roo! Wish more people thought like you here !

EmLH · 22/10/2011 21:07

I got a book from the library this week called The Idle Parent. Have only managed to read a few pages but it raises some really good arguments regarding mollycoddling kids and always feeling that you have to entertain them or set up activities when really they'd be just as happy buggering about in the garden with some sticks and a pile of mud! You should get hold of a copy and let your DH read it. Author is Tom Hodgkinson. Could help?!

Original poster
RooTwo · 22/10/2011 21:08

giveitago I wonder where you are?! I'm sure this hothousing of children takes place all over the country but I am sure it must be much worse in London (where we are). Am surrounded by over-anxious middle-class media types and although I acknowledge that this description could also well be applied to me Blush I do feel as I am infinitely more relaxed than many and would be even more so if I weren't living here but in a remote Scottish isle (which is where I would like to be right now)

OP posts:
Original poster
RooTwo · 22/10/2011 21:12

And EmLH I've heard of that book but not come across it yet - I must get it ... I completely agree, I think we are all completely obsessed with organising our children's lives and they suffer from not being able to take the initiative enough on their own. When mine start wailing a lot and saying they are bored I have started carefully ignoring it and then after a few mins they go off and usually think up something completely brilliant and inventive to do on their own. This is moving into slightly different territory re what I originally was talking about, but it's all linked ...

OP posts:
EmLH · 22/10/2011 21:16

Yeah, I think that's what the gist of the book will be. He said he tries to ignore his kids but in a carefree way rather than a careless one, in the hope that they'll c

EmLH · 22/10/2011 21:16

(oops iPhone) meant to say come up with something to do by themselves!

NotnOtter · 22/10/2011 21:18

no yanbu

Mine do very little at primary level and seem very happy with it!! Dont bow to the pressure - by 9-10 they've all dropped it all anyway Wink

Goldenbear · 22/10/2011 21:22

Is he being that unreasonable? Maybe he believes that it is important to expose your daughter to different activities that she may turn out to have a natural aptitude for?

I don't think the ability to play an Instrument can be called a 'nonsense'?

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 22/10/2011 21:23

YANBU. My DD is 7 and she has TRIED gymnastics and dancing but would rather come home and play outside. I'm not going to make her do things which are "extras" when she doesn't want to!

Original poster
RooTwo · 22/10/2011 21:25

Goldenbear I really meant the going to school 6 days a week at age 5 seems pretty crazy to me. I'm not suggesting learning to play an instrument is nonsense - I learned to play two, but not until I was 10. The thing is, we DO expose her to all kinds of things, both in a formal and non-formal setting (mostly the latter, at the moment, which I feel is the best way to do it at this age), so I feel that she gets plenty of exposure to all kinds of things which we could then pursue.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 22/10/2011 21:26

Yanbu, tell Dh to wrap up Grin Around us swimming lessons and gym club appear obligatory. Dd1 is at secondary and does drama one day and latin one day and a sort of youth club thing through church on Fridays. Dd2 (10) does dram one day too and also a youth club thing from church for younger dcs. Dd3 (4) does NOTHING Grin

southeastastra · 22/10/2011 21:26

you could research 'play deprivation' if you want heavyweight evidence Grin

hepcat · 22/10/2011 21:31

I am so glad to read this thread. My ex is hassling me to get DD into weekend activities- music lessons, Spanish, ballet, football. She is four years old. FOUR. She already goes to nursery four days a week and we do other fun stuff on our day together when I don't work. The last thing in the world I want is to start over scheduling her during our already limited precious time together on my alternating weekends. Maybe I should buy Ex that book.

giveitago · 22/10/2011 21:32

Roo - we're in London too. But my personal mollycuddling means I want ds at home with me when I'm not working for some down time / family time.

We're just having our usual saturday evening popcorn movie night in front of tv (where I set up a faux cinema thingy with tickets etc) - suits us. I want him to lots of unstructured and non timetabled time as I'm crap with doing art . I'm proud to say I do no art with him as I have not visual art capacity whatsoever. I put on some music and we do silly dances and do rubbish stuff. I show him silly photos of family. I teach him languages in a silly and fun way. I don't see it as bad thing. I see it as a great thing.

He does swimming afterschool which is great for him (as I can't swim and it's something that he finds a risk yet likes - which I think is perfect) and he likes football and he does that after school which allows me to work.

He could do all this 'brain train' stuff but it's on days I'm off - so no - better he does mad dancing and just let go with me.

He's not applying for oxbridge any time soon. Anyhow - we live in a area where secondary's are all religious - we don't stand a chance so no point in coaching him anyhow!