to not feel that we are negligent parents because five-year-old DD is not doing ballet/swimming/music/horse riding/Chinese eighteen times a week? Argh!

[RooTwo]

I am so infuriated with DH - we seem to have this conversation about once a month where he goes 'xxx (fill in name of peer) was riding her unicycle today - why is DD not doing this?' and I reiterated how happy she is and how much stuff she DOES do (we go swimming a lot, she is starting general music lesson) and how I don't feel the need to push her to be doing a thousand extra-curricular activities. She is so little - just in Year one, and getting to grips with school, and we have busy happy lives - she has lots of friends and we do lots, so really, what is the problem? I feel as if DH and I have this fundamental incompatibility in terms of how we perceive children's development at this stage and how much we think we need do to to push them in terms of them achieving their potential. He seems to feel that by not getting her to do xxxx and xxx and xxx that she is NOT being fulfilled and that we are not doing our best by her as parents.

We do happen to surrounded by a lot of parents who are fairly pushy (in a nice way) and I think he sees them and thinks, why aren't we doing that? Whereas I see a happy little girl whose horizons are constantly being expanded and who could not fail to be a clever and lovely thing. Argh! Does anyone else have this kind of problem and how the heck do I reassure DH that we are doing fine?

Money plays a role too. Some of these activities are very expensive and usually have to be paid for upfront at the beginning of each term. We simply couldn't afford to eat if all our 3 children wanted to do lots of activities.
Thankfully they don't ask to do a lot and we never 'suggest' they do a certain club. But if they show interest we encourage it.

I think your DH is BU (though possibly for good if misguided reasons rather than being a PITA).

You could point him to the many studies now out that show that stress among primary school aged children is rising at a worrying rate, precisely because of the emphasis on extra-curricular activities alongside the trend in education to test, test, test all the time.

Activities for children in this age group are very structured and take it out of them more than a comparable activity enjoyed by an adult. A good way to tell if your child is doing to much is to add up the number of hours equalled by school + homework + activities (including travelling and preparation). If it's more or close to a full-time adult job, it's too much IMO. You need to factor in that children need more sleep time than adults, plus time for eating dinner/having a bath etc, which can often leave not enough time for just relaxing and having unstructured play (which research tells us is often the best type of play to encourage imaginative development and problem-solving abilities).

Failing that, try an experiment - tell your DH he can get your DD involved in any amount of extra-curricular activities he likes, as long as he organises it, takes and collects her, and generally handles everything to do with it. I bet he won't be so keen after a couple of weeks.

I couldn't agree with you more, OP.

DS1 didn't attend nursery (we were overseas) and he has just started year 1 in September. He has coped wonderfully well and is really enjoying it. However, he stops at 2.30pm and by this time he really does need to come home, potter about in the garden, have a large array of snacks, watch cartoons etc

He is one of only 2 children in his class who are not enrolled in after-school Spanish, gymnastics, etc every day

We go to a children's martial arts class together once a week which he loves. We also go swimming, go on nature walks, have play dates etc He is happy and well-rounded and I wouldn't dream of organising his free time any further. He's only 4!

So many parents get caught up in this competitive nonsense. Or feel guilty that they are not doing the best for their children if they are not exposed to a squillion things by age 6. It's hard to stick to your guns but you know your own child and I agree entirely with your approach

Does the husband know how nmuch these non-school activities cost? I suppose he would be able to afford it if he's putting this idea forward.

As for hepcat's post, doesn't your OH want the children around the home at the weekends? Or perhaps he doesn't know what to do when he's in their company.

Think it depends on what your daughter wants -=is she interested in doing for example one or more of activities her friends do, if not then fine./ However, I do think that joining/encouraging team sports for kids is a good thinkg to do so if she'd any interest in football, camogie, hockey, whatever I'd do that definitely = but thats just my view and if she's happy thats important thing.

YANBU your DD does 1 sport & 1 music which sounds like a nice balance. DS didn't do any activities apart from swimming after school until Yr2 though he did mini-tennis in the holidays. He does a couple more now because he wants to. The idea of two in the same day fils me with horror. We are also lucky in that we don't leave for school in the morning until 8.40 so plenty of play time there too.

There is a balance though in that if kids don't come to a sport until older they may be demoralised by the skills gap with their peers....but there's always something like hurdling which no-one starts early.

I'm going to disagree with the trend here.

Dcs these days have an awful lot of screen time and child obesity is a big problem. Dcs arent allowed to run about the neighbourhood like in the 70s/80s so they NEED lots of extra activities to burn off their energy, socialise and learn new skills.

That's a fair point Margery. I read somewhere the other day that children should be getting at least one hour's exercise a day. Of course that could include walking to school, playing at lunch time etc. but given that so many children are driven to school these days, I should think that outside of school playtimes it could be a struggle to achieve the minimum of 1 hours exercise per day.

I was that child who did at least one activity every night. We would get changed for brownies in the car on the way after some other club. Orchestras, music lessons etc etc. I don't remember having friends over or going to friends much. I do remember having to say no to going to the pool after school or just hanging out with friends because I always had something on. I think the worst thing was that each group was a different group of people so it was difficult maintaining friendships.

But I do think doing some activities is good. DS (4.5) is doing swimming. That's it. So from a child who has been there YANBU. How you convince your DH of that, I'm not sure.

Much the best to leave it to DC. If she keeps badgering to do something you know that she really wants to do it. Until then there is no need. Benign neglect is one of the best things you can give her-time for her to find out who she is, what she wants and forces her to use her imagination.

Maybe your husband should spend his saturdays ferrying her round to all these classes?

He might stop whinging about it if he had to be the one taking her.

depends on where you are, margery, whether the children can run around; also on how much time the OP is able to give over to e.g. sitting in the park with a nice book while her dd runs off energy

I really don't think mine were at risk of obesity at that age

YANBU OP. There is so much rushing about after school. They have homework - reading, maths, writing practice, things to make - plus they want to rest, play with their toys, run around the garden for a bit attempt to eat a packet of biscuits....

Surely by the time they come home from school and unpacked book bag/lunch box it's 4 then they have a book to read, another couple of pieces of homework, they want to watch CBeebies or play upstairs/in the garden then it's teatime at 5-6 then bedtime at 7 when they are in Y1.

I wish so much I didn't have to do after school activities but DD2 has to do ballet as part of her physiotherapy and as there are no ballet classes in the day we have to do a big schlep across town straight after school with lots of running to catch the bus and chivvying up to get to the class by 4.15pm. Not my idea of fun. By the time we get home and tea done it's a late bedtime for the younger two and DD1 has to read her book then straight to bed. Not ideal.

Then there is the cost, as DD1 has always wanted to do ballet but we put her off saying we couldn't afford it (and quite frankly we can't but the NHS understandably doesn't pay for ballet even if strongly rec. by a physio) we felt it wasn't fair to have her watch her younger sister do ballet every week. It cost us over £80 to outfit them for the classes then it's £24 a month - not including new kit or bus fares. It will be even more once DD3 is old enough to go.

We also have swimming classes for DD2 (as part of her physio) which were £60 a term and involves a dash from school to the sports centre after drop off. I am only glad it is during school hours so that we didn't have to take DD1 as well (I can't take them swimming by myself as I have epilepsy).

Then once they start going to one class they try to get you to sign them up for more (Ballet also do 'BabyBop' which the teacher wants them to do) and then they hear about their friends doing Judo or gymnastics or swimming or art classes....

OP, I agree with you entirely, but why is it your approach to parenting that trumps his? I mean, he's bringing it up once a month, it's obviously important to him. Instead of telling him that your way is right, can the two of you sit down and talk it through - like, what exactly is it he wants for her? Language, instrument, more exercise, etc? Is he happy to research the classes available, take on the cost, ferry her to and fro? Are you happy to let them try it for a couple of terms and then reassess?

Children must have time to just "dream". They don't have to be occupied all the time.

My DD used to go from Piano to tennis to netball when she was younger. (All on a Saturday morning).

Then during the week she had flute, dancing, school gymnastics. Academically she was also a high achiever.

Athletics in summer, swimming all year round.

We have boxs full of trophies up in the rafters.

I feel horrified when I read back on all of this. It served her well in that she won a music and academic scholarship to an elite girls school and has made lots of friends outside of her school due to her sporting achievements.

DD now has 5 DC of her own. 8 months to 8 years. They all have swimming lessons on Saturday morning. Two of the DD's have dancing lessons once a week and one DS plays football in winter.

The rest of the time is "family time"

They have a huge "dress up" box in the outdoor entertaining area where they spend hours dressing up and making up plays.

They have marked out a football field (small) in the back garden and spend hours playing "real" games of football

They don't need adult supervision or intervention to amuse themselves. They build cubbyhouses with sheets and blankets. Have tea parties etc.

As you may have guessed, I am extremely proud of my DD and her DH.

Why horrified Coralanne if it served your dd well?

YANBU
I think I am going to have problems with this- my MIL has already tried to organise french lessons for my one year old (without asking), partly because a friends grandchild was learningFrench at 3- competitive grandparenting...

Children can run around the garden at home, they can run around with parents or siblings it doesn't have to be structured. Children need to play- imaginaton is something which needs to be encouraged and that is something which builds more naturally

If your child suddenly develops a real interest in learning the recorder, let her but don't push her.

Just support her interests and her schooling, this other stuff really doesn't matter.

Well, it depends on lots of things doesn't it? The example of Year 1 child not home from school til 4 and in bed by 7 is not the case in this house (home by 3.30, in bed at 8, hours, so plenty of time to fit in play, a bit of work, tea, bath, pottering and maybe an hour of an activity. Mine only have a 5 min walk to school and we have a small garden, so I like them to be doing some sort of active extra curricular activities (DD does ballet, tennis and Rainbows, DS does Beavers and tennis, they both do swimming). All those things apart from swimming, which is on a Saturday morning are within another 5 mins walk of our house so they don't eat into the evenings that much. I would never ask them to continue with anything they didn't enjoy and I anticipate it dropping away as they get older, but no harm in a mixture of structured and non-structured activities.

My DS1 and DD (aged 6 and 4) both do 2 activities after school (tennis and football / gym) plus swimming on Sat am. So that leaves 3 days free to have a friend to play or just chill out at home. For us this is the right balance between organised activities and free time.

I do feel your DH has good intentions and just wants to give his little girl every advantage. I would reply 'I think she's got enough on her plate right now, she does get tired and I don't want her school work to suffer. Maybe we can look into unicycling next year if she is keen'.

What does your DD want? Providing you can afford it and can fit it in ( whatever it may be ) surely it's her decision? Have you asked her if there's anything she's interested in trying?

From a different point of view - my parents were very discouraging of extra activities, especially anything they were unfamiliar with. Through my school days I played netball (very averagely) and did drama, which I was fairly good at. I remember at various times wanting to do ballet, gymnastics, brownies, fencing and more interesting acting classes ( the one I went to was just eistedfod focused, and very dull after ten years). Anyway, my parents refused. I had heaps of time for 'play'; I remember my pre-adolescence of one long, dull blur of day dreaming. I think I was very bored and I see those years as wasted in some respects. I was a dreamy type anyway, and would have benefited from structured activities and challenges.

I will encourage my dcs to do anything they are interested in. I do, however, agree that five year olds get tired and shouldnt be too over scheduled. But there may well be an appropriate midpoint between op and her dh.

Hark at all the competitive idle parents on this thread

My DD has activities three days a week after school and a couple at the weekend. After a sedentary (sp) day at school she has so much energy to burn. And with all her hobbies she still has time to have friends over, play make-believe games and just be.

I think it's all about balance. My eldest (8) has the energy for cubs and swimming after school, with a music lesson squeezed in during school hours. Other than that he just plays with his siblings and his friends. This seems about right for him and he really enjoys himself.

My youngest pre schooler just has lots of fun with friends and playgroup but nothing else.

Actually i would always make a point of following interests too. My parents wouldn't let me do dance lessons despite me asking and asking. I feel they resrticted my growth in some ways because it didn't fit into their life agenda.