buying presents for parents for christmas

[Nanny01]

I bought a joint present for my parents a kindle. I normally buy presents for every one and try to spend equally on every one. This year I know my parents would love a kindle and since it is something they can share 70 pounds isn't over the top as they are both having the same spent.

Dh was really upset with me as he said he wants to buy his mother one and I said we cant spend 70 odd pounds on one person even though she is a widow. I never indulge my parents so actually they are having less than 40 spent on each. If mil gets 70 spent on her I would feel uncomfortable about it. We are expecting a new baby literally the week after Christmas.

MIL had an ipod nano last year when my parents got very little from us and watched her open it. I just tell my parents she needs to have stuff to open as her dh is dead. They are ok about and understand she is materialistic about stuff. If we don't get her the kindle what could I get for her instead for 40 or would you just get the kindle and just tell my parents that equality isn't important as she needs her stuff. As you can hear, I do feel the need to be fair one year she had loads more presents than the whole family ( to help her distract her self over her loss) but I don't believe it will make her happier she has more money than us as there is only her and spends it mostly on her self. I am suggesting this year they they don't need to buy loads for the kids as I know we are all strapped for cash.

So the options do what dh wants and have no arguments but know my parents will share a present while she gets more than every one else.

or
suggest an alternative but a present equal in price.

I don't work but until now I have never felt that I contribute less to the house I feel rubbish as I just want to be fair why should I be able to buy less for my parents just because I don't contribute financially. Never felt like this before. Equally if it makes dh feel better is that the right thing. Dh and his mum associate more presents better I feel equality is important as we have to buy for 9 people so if we spend more on 1 person there will be less for others or it contributes to the over spend we have at Christmas.

Is her birthday close to Christmas? Can you give the kindle as a joint birthday/Christmas gift?

Or can you buy your parents some vouchers to go with their kindle to make it more fair to them in your eyes?

Does your MiL have an interest or enjoy the theatre or cinema? Could you get her tickets for something that she could go to with a friend, so she gets an evening out and isn't lonely?

It does sound a little bit as though you're penalising MIL for being single - if FIL was still alive presumably she could also share a Kindle with him. OTOH £70 seems like an enormous amount to spend on one person, particularly she could afford to buy one herself and your finances are tight (my budget is about £10 per person :)).

Could you get a kindle for her for Christmas but something small for her birthday to redress the balance? Or get your parents something else small?

Will they really be watching and adding up what they're each getting?

In our family we spend according per family - not per person. I.e. my sister and dp with 3 kids gets £100 so £20 per individual, and my sister and dp with 1 kid gets £100 so £33.33 per individual.

Not split like that, but i.e. if one of my sister's with 3 kids, wants to split it £40, £10, £10 or whatever, that's fine, and if my sister with 1 kid wants us to buy an £80 present for child and a £10 present for each of them that's fine.

So why not see it like that - if your FIL was alive you would be spending £35 on him - so £70 each set of parents, you are not spending £70 on just MIL.

I can't imagine why it should matter to your parents.
Surely they are old enough and wise enough to let something like this bother them.

U are spending 70 on Ur parents he wants the same. Yabu.

Well, I personally don't spend anywhere near that amount on parents for Christmas, but as you already have bought it for your parents then I understand your husband wanting to buy it for his. It's not his fault his father's dead, and it's not your MIL's fault she can't share a gift with a husband. If that's the gift you're buying for parents this year then she should get it too.

That said, I don't understand why you bought more for her than your parents in other years, particularly if they were there to see her gifts. That seems unfair even if she is widowed - she's not a child to be appeased with new toys. In future I would stick to the same gift for both sets if you are doing joint presents for husband and wife (as she can't do anything about not having a husband) or have a budget to spend per person and stick to it. When I first met my husband his family were in the habit of telling each other what to buy them for Christmas. Fair enough if they can afford it I suppose but we couldn't, so by the second year we were together we were getting them much cheaper gifts, that we had chosen. Now they don't tell us what they want but accept all gifts gratefully.

I think YABU. You bought 2 people a kindle between them? I think that is unreasonable as well. I would buy 2 more, if it were me: one each.

Could you get your mil a digital frame? And pre-load it with lot's of nice pics of family for her? Does your mil have any hobbies, or interests that would help you think of something other than a kindle? Does your dh want to give her a kindle because she is a reader, or because you bought one for your parents?

Or is there any way you can squeeze out enough money to buy each of your parents a kindle? It will be expensive, but if you can somehow swing it, everybody will be happy and nobody will feel left out.

I can't believe that any sensible adult would be bothered by their present and compare them to what other people have got.

I think I would be inclined to return the kindle and get each of them something for £35 or whatever it is you usually spend.

Having said that, my family get more expensive presents than DH's. The difference is that they don't see what each other get.

I know this is a pointless post (mine) but I have to say I started to lose the will to live about half-ways down your post. Surely adults don't scrutinise the cost of gifts given to other adults?

I can't believe they even want a present - they are adults- never mind bicker about who gets the best one.

I think YABU, as you dont work your DH has actually bought the kindle for your parents so why shouldnt he spend his money on buying the same for his own mother? I'd not be happy with the situation if I was the only earner yet being told what I could and couldnt spend my own wage on.

Bark - they do!

My PIL's were very disappointed with their gifts from us last year.

We had just moved house right before Christmas, we had no spare cash, everything had gone to paying solicitors and removals and all the costs you don't think of but that add up. And we'd had a couple of unexpected bills for other things too, like car repairs etc.

We'd saved what we could and done our best, but our present budget was small and we really had to scale down our gift giving.

PIL's looked at the present we gave them, and the present they got from BIL and SIL, and their faces were very cats bum about it all.

Then in the week between Christmas and New Year they phoned us up and disowned my DH, complained about the presents and the time we had spent visiting other relatives when we should have been seeing them and told DH he was finished from their lives.

He didn't hear from them for over two months, and when he did it was a text message telling him lies about me and trying to split us up.

Obviously there is more to some of it. But PIL's have always been the sort of people who tot up how much time and money has been spent on them compared to other people and to react like spoilt children if they feel they have been shortchanged in some way.

MIL has even been known to ask for an additional present when she felt hers was not sufficiently thoughtful enough and she still complains about the make-up bag her SIL bought her for Christmas in 1995.

Obviously, this isn't the topic to be asking if you're being unreasonable about. Everyone does Christmas differently and reacts in different ways to presents bought, or not bought for them. In a perfect world, everyone would think carefully about presents they are buying and all recipients would be grateful. However, this isn't a perfect world.

Well if I had a family like that I think I would be instigating a new rule - no presents for adults in the family. She sounds very manipulative so you've got to stop letting her call the shots.

Oh, my last post was to NoOne by the way.

What Mary said.
You all sound very odd indeed.

My Dad has just said he doesn't want a Christmas present from me, making it quite clear the reason is because he doesn't want to get me one

That sounds bad! It's for financial reasons, he's worried about the winter fuel bills.

Reading your post it appears that your MIL is the only one that has suplus money to spend at xmas (if I'm reading right that yourself and your parents are on tight budgets).

If this is the case then I think you you all need a discussion about reducing the costs of presents for adults.

Is your partner really quibbling about how much your spending on your DP's compared to his DM? Seems a bit childish to me.

We don't spend much on adults in our family. We gave up buying for adult brothers/sisters years ago in favour of just buying for the children. It certainly takes away some of the stress of present buying and dramatically reduces the overall cost of presents.

Ok Ive got a couple of workable solutions I think.

1 - I dont know what your finances are but Id be spending more than that on parents. Can you get 3 kindles? Or 2 kindles and extras for your own parents?

2 - If you are skint, are you making full use of free stuff you can get, Boots points, clubcard vouchers, nectar points, online vouchers. I make my money go really far by doing that sort of thing.

3 - Can you get reconditioned kindles? Im not sure but they might be a lot cheaper.

4 - Can you buy a different, cheaper ereader for MIL

5 - Can you get some part time work leading up to Christmas, say in a shop?

6 - I will get totally flamed for this, but I feel very strongly about it. I would NEVER have no independent income, even if it was selling Avon for a few hours a month. That way there is some money which you can have complete control over floating about.

Id love to think that people dont compare presents, or act in such a petty way, but sadly they do. However I think the biggest thing is for you to stop stressing about right now. If you cant afford or work out any of the other ways, and someone doesnt like their present, that says a damn sight more about them than you, ungrateful sod(s).

Bloody hell-parents & I haven´t bought each other presents for years-it all goes on the children instead.

Actually, husband & I rarely bother with presents unless we happen to see something at the time.

Otherwise it´s cards/choc/wine/flowers...

I really can´t see why you would begrudge MIL a a kindle if she would use/appreciate it.

And what´s this "she needs a present to open as her husband´s dead"?

By that reckoning, why do your parents get something?

Why didn´t you get them something better last year-or her something less?

Just because she´s materialistic, you don´t have to feed it!

Mary - I don't see them any more and DH sees very little of them. There's a very long thread about it somewhere but the upshot of it was that MN declared them unfit to be around any other living creature on the planet and I felt more confident in my decision to cut them out of my life.

We have a rule that we buy presents for our son, the other children in the family or the adults who don't have young children (aunts and uncle's with adult children, childless friends and SIL etc) but who do buy a gift for our son.

It usually works out we have about 20 people to buy a gift for and PIL's had the same amount of money spent on them as my parents did, on similar gifts but which suited their interests (my mum likes to read, MIL writes, so Mum got a book and MiL got a notebook and notepaper set and a nice pen. My dad travels a lot for outdoor activities so got a nice travel mug and hiking socks, FiL stays home so he got a big coffee mug and a gadget for his computer).

So not quite as much was spent as we can usually give, but we still tried to put thought into what they would like. BIL and SIL bought them a DAB radio. They approved of the price of that gift, but still weren't all that grateful. FIL thanked them, MIL said "But we've already got one" and then they debated where they might use it and decided they would keep it in the kitchen just in case.

I agree that it would be much more sensible to just not bother with a gift this year. I'm having no part in it if DH decides to get them anything.

My parents would be happy to go with out but we wanted to thank them as helped us out in so many ways this year. Mother in law is the big kid, her dh used to lavish her in presents I think the lack of presents is a reminder that apart from her sister and her only son she is alone. MIL always goes overboard and frankly I don't really want a present as their are 6 of us and 1 of her. I have said this year that I don't want anything. DH is like her sees xmas as to do as the OTT thing. I see it as a more family/ spiritual thing. My mum spends loads of time at home reading and dad can view papers ect on the kindle I really wish I hadn't bothered but thought oh the perfect present.

I'm afraid there is lots of competition between both sets of parents and my parents were really hurt the other year when mil showered the kids with expensive gifts and it overshadowed their gifts. I do the shopping in our house, remember birthdays ect. I was wondering what do you buy a woman who can buy what she wants. It is almost more presents equates to more happiness. I was thinking of ITunes voucher but then remembered that she thinks vouchers aren't real presents. I will be 9 months pregnant by christmas and just trying to please every one. MIL also hit me this year and put us in an awkward position so I don't want to cause any more probs. Maybe I should just roll over give her the huge pile she expects and bankrupt ourselves before our new baby has arrived ( which we will buy mainly second hand for). I just hate seeing my parents who help get the worse deal while she gets more presents than our kids (last 2 years). THink I need to think more but thanks for the suggestions I think there may be a solution some where amongst this thread.

Marymaryalittlecontrary - unfrotunatly she does have to be appeased.