buying presents for parents for christmas

[Nanny01]

I bought a joint present for my parents a kindle. I normally buy presents for every one and try to spend equally on every one. This year I know my parents would love a kindle and since it is something they can share 70 pounds isn't over the top as they are both having the same spent.

Dh was really upset with me as he said he wants to buy his mother one and I said we cant spend 70 odd pounds on one person even though she is a widow. I never indulge my parents so actually they are having less than 40 spent on each. If mil gets 70 spent on her I would feel uncomfortable about it. We are expecting a new baby literally the week after Christmas.

MIL had an ipod nano last year when my parents got very little from us and watched her open it. I just tell my parents she needs to have stuff to open as her dh is dead. They are ok about and understand she is materialistic about stuff. If we don't get her the kindle what could I get for her instead for 40 or would you just get the kindle and just tell my parents that equality isn't important as she needs her stuff. As you can hear, I do feel the need to be fair one year she had loads more presents than the whole family ( to help her distract her self over her loss) but I don't believe it will make her happier she has more money than us as there is only her and spends it mostly on her self. I am suggesting this year they they don't need to buy loads for the kids as I know we are all strapped for cash.

So the options do what dh wants and have no arguments but know my parents will share a present while she gets more than every one else.

or
suggest an alternative but a present equal in price.

I don't work but until now I have never felt that I contribute less to the house I feel rubbish as I just want to be fair why should I be able to buy less for my parents just because I don't contribute financially. Never felt like this before. Equally if it makes dh feel better is that the right thing. Dh and his mum associate more presents better I feel equality is important as we have to buy for 9 people so if we spend more on 1 person there will be less for others or it contributes to the over spend we have at Christmas.

but surely the 2 sets of parents arent comparing prices of presents - dont get why u seem so obsessed with spending same on each - are u seriosly worrying that ur mil will "get more than everyone".. sorry dont get ur concern

Dita - "Are we all ignoring the posters saying it's OP's DH's money to avoid a bunfight?"

It's probably the best plan

I want to add something constructive to this thread, and am keep getting drawn back to it, but all I can think is who buys a Kindle as a joint present

People who know the people tey are giving it to will be delighted with it & happy to share

Dita I questioned that aspect and it's been ignored

Dita - spot on

diddl - My parents are happy to share as they would never be using it at the same time. They also wouldn't want us spend so much as they know we have limited amount of money to spend. The thought that counts is what my mother always says and I had thought about it a lot as my dad loves papers and mum loves books but finds it harder to get about ( so kindle means that most books are cheaper and she wouldn't have to go back into town to buy them). Also set her up with an amazon account which she loves as stuff comes to her door.

Finally have got round to sorting things out
Have talked to

1. dh and he is going to buy his mother something but we are agreeing that buying her extra to keep what his dad used to do for her is wrong and causes issues on Christmas day. 2)He also agreed that we don't have an endless budget either and we have set a per person allowance to stop the over spend. £40-£50 may not be alot to some people but we felt it was reasonable amount that could buy something nice. 3)We both ageed that our parents don't need to buy us a present as 6 people is alot to buy for.
2. suggest a smaller joint present for the children which would reduce the average growing spend
3. the children will make little things and cards for the grand parents to help granny feel she has lots of attention.

It was MIL birthday in September to so she hasn't missed out and went on holiday with her friends. Her friends do buy for her and she has in the past had a myriad of presents to open big and small.

He wouldn't go for the no present option for adults as his mother would get nothing to open on the day as he would be the only family member buying for her.

Thank you all again you have all helped me think about how to deal with this problem with a bit more perspective.

Zukie I've read your posts before about this, and am still stunned and amazed (and obviously not in a good way...)

that some people would consider it more sensible to buy a couple a Kindle apiece! Blimey, what happened to sharing? It's not like books are being actively burnt on street-corners as we speak - surely a couple who get on ok can cope with sharing a Kindle?

Would be really chuffed if someone bought me and DH a kindle to share. As it is, I'm saving to get him one as a surprise but he knows I'd like to use it too, and that will be fine by him.

Another thing that's niggling is - how old are the MIL and parents involved? Do they really sit there like miserable buggers on Christmas Day and mentally tot up how much everyone else has had spent on them? I thought only fictitious Evil PIL behaved like that. If they really would notice and mind that someone else had had more spent on them, then they're being extremely childish and I'd be tempted not to get them anything substantial at all.

Also at Zukiecat's parents. Really? They really say that to you? Bloody hell.

Sorry in advance Nanny01, I only read the first few lines of your OP.

Much as I respect you're trying to be fair with money, you're allocations are out.

I spend £50 on my folks and £50 on DH's folks. Now my folks don't need much at all, don't have room for crap, and so they're pretty tough and I always come in under budget. DH's folks well, MIL is dead so that leaves FIL, he wouldn't know it was Christmas even if you dressed as Mrs Claus and brought him a sack full of gifts, however, his gifts are usually at least £50... things he'll actually use.

Sort your equations.

You sound though like me, a stickler for fairness, for not saying with a gift "you are more special than x" and I totally appreciate that but, you need to adjust your 'fair' approach to make it fair. Its not fair that your DH's mum can't have a kindle because she hasn't got a husband to share it with. THAT is totally unfair and therefore your current equations do not work.

Treat unequal things unequally... you're smart enough, and have enough of a conscience to make sure that works within budget.

x Aldiwhore... keeper of a tight yet fair budget! x

think everyone treats christmas differently to be honest, we normally spend about £20/person in the family (less on FIL GF), although when my mum pointed out that we spend the same on my brother who spends 3x that on us as a family I've decided to relook at it as well. We normaly only send MIL some flowers as she hasn't got much money so only buys her grandchildren presents and has stipulated she would prefer not to get anything from us as it would make her feel guilty.

However I think the major thing in this thread (as pointed out but apparenty ignored) is the issue of spedning DH's money on everyone - er, seriously? No bloody way, if we spent our own money on our own families, mine would get about £1 spent on them, considering they spend a fortune on us and help us out left right and centre so both DH and I can work, I think it's utterly fair that he spends "his" money on my family....but then all "his" money goes into the joint account anyway

Zokie

OP If the nasty cow likes to have lots to open then go to the pound shop and get her 40 bits of shit lovely things to open

Dh is is going to spend what he wants I was concerned that in previous years she ended up with so much that it became a bad joke o another for MIl. My parents know what she did to me and weren't amused. Starting to regret buying the bloody thing now. I am dreading christmas as I feel it's a no win situation. The presents are really just the beginning sitting down and spending a whole day with the woman I am only doing because of dh and the kids other wise I wouldn't. I have already said to her she shouldn't buy me a present as there is nothing I need ( have a wonderful family), will she listen to me probably not.

Nanny - has the issue of MIL hitting you ever been addressed ? This sounds like a bigger deal than presents ! What has your DH actually done or said to sort this out?

Going back to the original question - I would be tempted to buy several smaller things for MIL, so a direct comparison with the kindle is not easy, and she gets lots of parcels. Things that the children have made is a great idea too- for your parents as well.

Zukie are you planning to actually see your parents at Christmas ? I remember being stunned by your previous thread. I think the only way I'd be able to cope with people like that would be to enter a competition with the DCs about which present to your parents would generate the most ungrateful reaction...

agree with inertia

Hope that you manage it this year, Zukie

What´s the worst that could happen?

Give it to MIL as both a Xmas and birthday present. You could then just give her an additional box of chocs when her birthday comes round so you aren't empty handed.

We used to spend 10 pounds per person (we both have huge families) but now we have a secret santa and spend 70 pounds on one adult.

Zukie they sound hideous - damned if you do go to them, damned if you don't.

Is there anywhere else you can go -distant friend with no phone signal maybe ? - so that you are not contactable over Christmas?