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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

buying presents for parents for christmas

107 replies

Nanny01 · 22/10/2011 09:29

I bought a joint present for my parents a kindle. I normally buy presents for every one and try to spend equally on every one. This year I know my parents would love a kindle and since it is something they can share 70 pounds isn't over the top as they are both having the same spent.

Dh was really upset with me as he said he wants to buy his mother one and I said we cant spend 70 odd pounds on one person even though she is a widow. I never indulge my parents so actually they are having less than 40 spent on each. If mil gets 70 spent on her I would feel uncomfortable about it. We are expecting a new baby literally the week after Christmas.

MIL had an ipod nano last year when my parents got very little from us and watched her open it. I just tell my parents she needs to have stuff to open as her dh is dead. They are ok about and understand she is materialistic about stuff. If we don't get her the kindle what could I get for her instead for 40 or would you just get the kindle and just tell my parents that equality isn't important as she needs her stuff. As you can hear, I do feel the need to be fair one year she had loads more presents than the whole family ( to help her distract her self over her loss) but I don't believe it will make her happier she has more money than us as there is only her and spends it mostly on her self. I am suggesting this year they they don't need to buy loads for the kids as I know we are all strapped for cash.

So the options do what dh wants and have no arguments but know my parents will share a present while she gets more than every one else.

or
suggest an alternative but a present equal in price.

I don't work but until now I have never felt that I contribute less to the house I feel rubbish as I just want to be fair why should I be able to buy less for my parents just because I don't contribute financially. Never felt like this before. Equally if it makes dh feel better is that the right thing. Dh and his mum associate more presents better I feel equality is important as we have to buy for 9 people so if we spend more on 1 person there will be less for others or it contributes to the over spend we have at Christmas.

OP posts:

cardibachFalchoFodynGymraes · 22/10/2011 15:55

rhondajean you would spend more than £70 on a parent? Really? I just couldn't afford that. Fortunately in my family we take more notice of the thought that goes into a present and its appropriatness for the recipient thatn the actual cost of anything.

rhondajean · 22/10/2011 16:00

It depends on circumstances. Like I said, I like to get a lot for my money, and for example my MIL helps with picking DDs up from school etc, which saves us a fortune in childcare. Also we are very small families on both sides, but £35 each for me would be on the stingy side (I meant that not the £70 for the kindle).

That first paragraph isnt right, it sounds like I get a lot for my money from MIL! but cant think how to rephrase it...

timidviper · 22/10/2011 16:10

Older people can be very funny regarding presents and costs. We always have to be very even as DHs parents do notice although they never say anything, just do the cat's bum mouth. We usually do a little bit extra for my mum as she is alone but not as much as MIL and PIL combined IYSWIM.

£70 each seems a lot to me for Christmas presents too.

TheFallenMadonna · 22/10/2011 16:11

Would you really need to explain to your parents why you were spending less per head on them than your MIL?!

I buy a present for my sister even though my brother, sister and I have agreed to only buy for each other's children. I buy her a present because she is a single parent. I get presents from DH and my PIL (now those are a whole other thread...), and our brother gets presents from his wife and in laws. There are lots of ways of looking at fairness I think.

Original poster

Nanny01 · 22/10/2011 16:16

rhondajean - we have tended to buy her more "hystorical" because that is what her dh used to do. We haven't had an income rise in 4 yrs. Both dh and MIL ( thats his mother) love getting presents so not buying the adults anything wouldn't be an option and I have been accused of being a scruge. I felt £35 was reasonable. Dh and I are both only kids but we have 4 with one on the way. I would personally like to say like others here not to buy for adults and have said to my mother that she shouldn't feel they have to spend much on the kids.

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 22/10/2011 16:21

How is that everyone knows what everyone else gets given as presents in the OP's family? Only my MIL (lovely but sadly no longer with us) didn't have the faintest idea what I bought my own mother for Christmas and vice versa. I thought this was a fairly normal state of affairs, tbh.

Sexolette · 22/10/2011 16:33

Your MIL hit you Nanny01???

kipperandtiger · 22/10/2011 16:35

Hi OP, congratulations on the pregnancy and all the best for the big day. Can I add at this point (having been there) that it is natural to be a bit over concerned about finances when you have a baby coming soon, more so than you would normally be. Not saying that you are or you aren't, just to put things in perspective.
There'll be some who say that 70 quid is cheap for a present, and others who simply couldn't afford even 50 quid. I don't know what your family finances are, so maybe it's best to discuss with your DH how big a dent in your finances 70 will be. That said, if you've already spent 70 quid, then you can't really say he isn't allowed to spend 70 - that could be construed as "my family more important than your family". And one could say he would have bought a 35 quid kindle to make it half half, but they don't exist. I think when one starts asking if one could "budget" with iTune vouchers it's definitely getting into "my family vs your family" and that is definitely not a road you want to go down (having been there) when a baby is on the way - because you'll need both mothers on you and DH's side for support. I personally think that where parents are concerned, I would not carp on the amount. I mean, you're talking about 70 vs ?30 pounds, not 200 pounds vs 100 pounds.
If the two parents ask, I really would try to steer the conversation away from it as much as possible. Comparisons really are odious. I mean, in my family my MIL has more than (I'm not even going to list the number!) 8 children and grandchildren so numerous you'd have to Rolodex them, honestly. In my own family, it's two children and one grandchild. My mother gets a Christmas card from her grandchild as well as us. My MIL only gets one card from us, yet her wall is covered with Christmas cards just from children. So the value of gifts for them both have to be different too. But you can't compare - you'd just create misery for yourself, and the parents would too. I don't really see what it achieves, as long as they get love and respect.
I have been on the receiving end of people who wrinkle up their nose at what you give, esp if you've gone to some trouble to buy it. And yet the same people have given us some pretty questionable things. I can only say that the best policy is to be gracious either way.

VelvetBag · 22/10/2011 16:35

You and your parents sound like 5 yo!

Kayano · 22/10/2011 16:39

YABU

kipperandtiger · 22/10/2011 16:41

I missed the post about MIL hitting you, OP - really?? Yikes, that's awful. But in this case, I still support the 70 quid Kindle idea, if that's what your DH really wants to give. You've probably worked out in my post here that what I'm saying about presents for own parents vs in laws is not about the people themselves but about you and your DH. It's about saying to your spouse, your parent/s is/are important to you, mine are important to me - both are equal in importance regardless of how they've treated others. If the 70 quid Kindle for her is not ok, then the Kindle for your parents, on this occasion, is not ok either, and you'll have to return it if you don't want to be unfair on your DH.

rhondajean · 22/10/2011 16:42

Nanny yu dont have to justify your budget - your circumstances arent mine eand vice versa - I was just saying that because you didnt specify at the start if it was about being able to afford more really or not.

If you can wait and see and have any Tesco vouchers, I hear they are doing another double exchange in November and its rumoured its on electricals. They seel kindles now; cant guarantee that it will happen but you could effectively get one free kindle if you had £45 of vouchers around, and then you could use the £35 you would have spent on MIL to buy wee extra bits for your parents.

Thats they kind of way I work things and try to keep my cash for the DDs lists.

colken · 22/10/2011 16:53

As far as I am aware and I could well be wrong, a kindle is a handheld way of reading a book. So that means only one person can use it at one time. That's hardly a present for two people.

I have to admit to being recently - 2010 - widowed (for me it will always be 'recently'). Where gifts were concerned, my dear husband saw to his side of the family and I saw to mine. I was so well accepted into his family (and he to mine) that I treat his children the same as I treat mine. That said, if they were to give me a gift, I don't care what they give to their mother and her husband because I will never know anyway.

The greatest gift you can give is yourself. Go round there to attend to things that your mother in law cannot do. For example, be there while she goes into the loft for something - a safeguard in case there is an accident; do a bit of DIY like putting up a shelf or a picture; repair a malfunctioning cistern. One of my stepsons came round to lag an outside pipe. The other is having me for Christrmas this year (I was at my son's last year). Deeds often count for more than material things.

Whast about a day trip somewhere?

ramblinrose · 22/10/2011 17:02

Does anyone else find the whole Christmas thing really stressful,or is it just me?

lilibet · 22/10/2011 17:30

Can I ask where you get a Kindle for £70? Dd wants one for her birthday

(Completely ignoring the point of the thread)

kipperandtiger · 22/10/2011 17:42

ramblinrose - you're not the only one. It's because Christmas brings together a lot of people one couldn't bear to be with other times of the year. That's why some people avoid it altogether by going on tropical holidays during Christmas! Not great if you have an elderly parent who is all alone during that time though. Some people I know deliberately call to ask the relative when others are going to be around and avoid that period, and visit only when the relative is alone, ostensibly to have quality time (which is partly true!)..........

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 22/10/2011 17:47

If the OP and her DH have all the family to them for Christmas they would all see each other opening gifts.

She says in her first post that her parents watched MIL open an ipod nano last year, so that must mean they spent some time together in order for that to happen.

So that would be how they all know what everyone else gets.

ENormaSnob · 22/10/2011 17:52

Your mil hit you and you are still buying her a christmas gift?

WTAF?

kipperandtiger · 22/10/2011 17:54

V true, NoOnes - OP should make sure the two sets of parents come on different occasions. One at lunch and one at dinner? Or give the presents on different occasions, privately, like in their own bedrooms. I now find the practice of grownups opening presents in front of grownups (with no children present) silly (what, are you 8??), not to mention a minefield of social disasters. I mean, we don't open presents at birthdays in front of other adults. The only time adults do that now is at baby showers (if you practise this custom from across the pond).

diddl · 22/10/2011 17:58

You are not responsible for competition between GPs.

"DH is like her sees xmas as to do as the OTT thing"-then put him right!

"unfrotunatly she does have to be appeased"-no she doesn´t.

She has 3 GC to lavish time/money/attention on at Christmas-that should be enough-to be with her only son & GC-many GPs don´t get that.

diddl · 22/10/2011 18:00

Oh hang on-your MIL hit you & you still see her & let her see the children??!!

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2011 18:01

Why would you buy someone who hit you, a Christmas present?

kipperandtiger · 22/10/2011 18:07

NoOnes - your PILs sound like they have a lot of insecurity issues that go a lot deeper than what your gifts actually were. But that is a nightmare....they sound horrendous to be around during Christmas!! Definitely backing off is a good idea. Many parents I know are just grateful that 1)they're still alive to celebrate christmas (I feel the same way!), 2)they are visited or at least written to by their offspring. They don't quibble about what's in the gift - or, as my mum says, "if I want something that badly, I'll get it myself".

After one inlaw complained about our present (she thought we should get something expensive/"original" - whatever original is...must be something not yet invented - because we both worked and had no kids at the time) I simply did not buy her anything, but got a combined gift for her whole family (food item) plus a toy for her son. This time she didn't complain because the food was being opened (by her DH) and passed round......she had to save her breath for eating!!

clam · 22/10/2011 18:07

May I ask why she hit you? And why she is even ON your Christmas present list at all, let alone coming to your house for Christmas?

kipperandtiger · 22/10/2011 18:12

I can't find the post about the MIL hitting OP. Am wondering if there's a glitch in the system.

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