buying presents for parents for christmas

[Nanny01]

I bought a joint present for my parents a kindle. I normally buy presents for every one and try to spend equally on every one. This year I know my parents would love a kindle and since it is something they can share 70 pounds isn't over the top as they are both having the same spent.

Dh was really upset with me as he said he wants to buy his mother one and I said we cant spend 70 odd pounds on one person even though she is a widow. I never indulge my parents so actually they are having less than 40 spent on each. If mil gets 70 spent on her I would feel uncomfortable about it. We are expecting a new baby literally the week after Christmas.

MIL had an ipod nano last year when my parents got very little from us and watched her open it. I just tell my parents she needs to have stuff to open as her dh is dead. They are ok about and understand she is materialistic about stuff. If we don't get her the kindle what could I get for her instead for 40 or would you just get the kindle and just tell my parents that equality isn't important as she needs her stuff. As you can hear, I do feel the need to be fair one year she had loads more presents than the whole family ( to help her distract her self over her loss) but I don't believe it will make her happier she has more money than us as there is only her and spends it mostly on her self. I am suggesting this year they they don't need to buy loads for the kids as I know we are all strapped for cash.

So the options do what dh wants and have no arguments but know my parents will share a present while she gets more than every one else.

or
suggest an alternative but a present equal in price.

I don't work but until now I have never felt that I contribute less to the house I feel rubbish as I just want to be fair why should I be able to buy less for my parents just because I don't contribute financially. Never felt like this before. Equally if it makes dh feel better is that the right thing. Dh and his mum associate more presents better I feel equality is important as we have to buy for 9 people so if we spend more on 1 person there will be less for others or it contributes to the over spend we have at Christmas.

Thought my late MIL was bad but yours hit you and your still seeing her and buying for her, I'd cut contact altogether.

Kipper - it's the bottom post of page one, second paragraph but as below:

"...I will be 9 months pregnant by christmas and just trying to please every one. MIL also hit me this year and put us in an awkward position so I don't want to cause any more probs. Maybe I should just roll over give her the huge pile she expects and bankrupt ourselves before our new baby has arrived ( which we will buy mainly second hand for)..."

OP if she hit you I can't believe your DH still wants to buy her a present or expects you to see her at Christmas or ever again. How awful for you.

OP did she hit you while you were pregnant?!

If you say you'll be 9 months gone by christmas, you might have even have had the baby you don't need her stressing you out anymore.

Agree with clam.

I can't quite get fact that some of you have parents who use technology! My mum hasn't yet mastered texting from the mobile phone I bought her three years ago! Thank goodness ours are pleased with half a case of wine, a new jersey, gloves and some earrings, new books and something for the garden, etc..

I budget about £40-£50 per grandparent. When FIL died that didn't mean that MIL got £80 - £100 spent on her. For us that is not an overly generous amount and certainly not something we had to put aside for. If any of our parents thought we had difficulty with money they would be more than happy with a tea bag and a bar of chocolate provided it was given happily and willingly and with love. And for the record I don't particularly like my MIL either.

OP, why don't you buy smth for your patents to compliment the shared present? Smth small, like say a scarf for your Mum or gloves for your Dad- in this case, it will be equal amount spent on both sets of patents, iyswim. But why did your mil hit you???

I think you need to have a serious conversation about all of this with your DP.

Seriously, this is all a bit weird. If my mum hit DH (assuming there wasn't a really good reason for it) I wouldn't be breaking the bank to buy her presents.

If your MIL thinks that having expensive gifts makes up for being a widow then she is a bit thick.

Have just seen that this vile woman hit you, in that case tell her son that you will not be getting her anything and if he does not like it he can fuck right off along with the silly bitch he has for a mother

TBH, if my MIL hit, she wouldn´t be welcome in the house again.

I too want to know where you get a Kindle for £70 the cheapest is £89 I think.
I think YANBU-the gifts are per person not per household surely.

YANBU and your MIL doesn't deserve a thing anyway!

As for the spoilt adult syndrome; my sister is petty like this. Keeps a beady eye on the number of presents given and received and is quick to point out seeming discrepancies even when none exist! It's very unpleasant and completely against the spirit of gift-giving. She always makes the point of ranting about them in front of her children as well and spoiling things for them.

She is currently churning with bitterness about the fact that my parents (with nudging from me due to our mother's increasingly advanced dementia) have decided on a "no presents for adults" rule this year but can't argue with it because she and I have two DC each, we have two parents and it's completely fair

Thanks every one for your comments it has been really revealing to see how other people see about my situation. MIL hit me when I wasn't pregnant over something I should have left to dh but I said nothing offensive but in hindsight should have left him to deal with. I am so stuck with this woman but since then I have avoided her though still let her see the kids. I am not heartless, but feel now I can forgive her but can't forget what has been done. Dh smoothed it out in his mind but I still feel anxious around her and won't be leaving the new baby alone. She is a needy type, maybe I am wrong and I have indulged this neediness.

I think you might me right about the kindle it is from amazon. I am stuck I will let dh do what he wants for his mother ( as he does earn the money) but he can do his own buying ect for his mum even if that means he forgets. I don't get the excess present thing either and have told my family they don't need to buy for my kids as I now there is alot of us a card and photo of my cousins is all I want. I just wish MIL would get the sprite of Christmas.

As for dh he feels stuck in the middle between me and her. He is an only child and has no other family. I wonder if I should just get her the kindle this time or give her the one I was going to give my parents. They know the score with her and Christmas. It's nice to know others have "spoilt adult syndrome".

It sounds as if you need to start some new traditions!

Nanny01 - that's gracious of you to still let her see you and the kids; I certainly won't leave her alone with them, I agree. Hope she knows that you can actually report her to the police..... if she has the the possibility of that hanging over her, she might be nicer. But yuck, what a ghastly woman to do that to you. I would also tell her that the next time she raises a finger, she'll be feeling the strong arm of the law.

You know, I didn't say this before, but as it's so complicated, instead of changing Christmas plans and letting your parents suffer, just do what I would do (I don't suffer fools gladly).......give your parents the Kindle in secret (a week before Christmas), and then on Christmas Day, just give them a small box of chocolates - or whatever low priced token. Then MIL will think she's been cossetted and will be well behaved all day!! Hopefully your parents will be wise enough to know you're keeping the peace for your home, and that's all. Then technically, they have also been given a bigger gift each, if you see what I mean, even if it's only marginally so.

Do you reckon you and your DH can afford to fork out £140 + price of token box of chocs in terms of your budget? If you think you both can, then go for it - and then your poor DH can breathe a sigh of relief and not feel like piggy in the middle. But yes, he certainly shouldn't feel like he can't even spend his money that he works hard to earn in the way he would like. It's technically both his money and your money, but he should get some say in it what he can buy his own mum, I would have thought.

PS thanks for sharing the origin of the cut price Kindle!! Lots of happy readers out there, I bet.

Hey everyone, just to share a present idea that Nanny01 has made me think of.... (bear with me the long story).
DH and I once gave a nephew ( I was overruled on this, just in case you're wondering ) a digital camera for his birthday. I wanted to give him a polaroid camera, where he could see his pictures coming out - they have those toy-like ones that aren't pricey - as kids love that sort of gimmick and don't have patience to go off and wait at the printers. Plus I knew he was a bit dyspraxic (so to speak) and handling little buttons and keys was not his forte. He was 10. Anyway, DH buys this gadget and DN drops in within 5 minutes of receiving it. Now most devices are quite robust, but DH was annoyed. And 3 months later I was told that he hardly touched it and wasn't the least bit interested in taking photos.
So for Christmas, DH asks me not to buy him a pricey gift (as if I would). Found a gingerbread house kit at our local grocers which is a fraction of a gadget's price, and knowing that DH likes his confectionery, I thought he'd at least enjoy a bit of decorating, and could always eat his mistakes if he couldn't put it together (everything is provided in the kit, the parents just need to open the box and that's it). Anyway, turns out that he and his cousins got together to make this house as their "play" activity after Christmas dinner and had a whale of a time, they all helped each other put it together, and were still talking about it a week later - free entertainment for 4 kids, kept them out of their parents' hair. And the families all ate the gingerbread and sweets for afternoon tea over the next few days, so nothing wasted. House was only £8 or £9 and we received more gratitude for it than pricey gifts we'd splurged on previously.....made me think!

I still don't understand how you spending someone else's £70 on your parents is justified, but someone spending their own £70 on their parents is seen as OTT and the parents being spoilt.

TBH I don´t understand how parents get to expect expensive presents.

There´s usually a time when you have to buy a little token-still at school/student/first job(s).

Then maybe you have your own children & the emphasis goes to them.

kipperandtiger's idea of giving your parents their Kindle in secret is great.

But I'm amazed that so many adults get presents! In my family we only buy for the children. The adults will do something like bring nice wine along to christmas lunch. I'd much rather enjoy a glass of expensive wine on christmas day than receive a load of crapola I don't want. TBH if I wanted a Kindle I'd buy myself one.

kipper if you want those gingerbread houses they usually have them for a couple of pounds at ikea - sometimes even cheaper on offer or buy two and get them cheaper. They don't have the icing or sweeties in the kits, just the gingerbread. But they are cheap and easy to get from the supermarket. And if they liked doing it at ikea prices you could give them two and get them to do it in teams to introduceore fun.

Gingerbread houses for a fiver in Lidl atm.

I don't understand why you spend double on your parents

Gingerbread houses are lovely idea but perhaps introducing the competitive element of parents building them in teams given the circumstances might add to the stress!!

Are we all ignoring the posters saying it's OP's DH's money to avoid a bunfight?

It all seems to make Christmas very stressful! Much simpler to cut out buying presents for adults or just get small tokens.
As it stands I would just treat both sets the same and let DH get his kindle on the grounds that if his mother had a DH they would be sharing it-it isn't her fault she is on her own.