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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know where to post this but to want some answers anyway?

55 replies

TheHalloweenqueen · 21/10/2011 20:20

Can you explain a man who treats his wife like utter crap, has no respect for anything she does ie bringing up kids and being a SAHM to a disabled child while studying for a degree with the OU, blames her for anything that goes wrong with the dc or home or anything really. Is also similar with other female family members but not as bad as he is with his wife?

BUT

Praises to the skies the women he works with (high powered, very well paid), the teachers who teach his children as they are "intelligent and professional" and also has a lot of time and respect for extremely attractive women, even more so if they have good jobs too but this is not strictly necessary, her just being pretty will do.

Because he says he loves women, is not sexist at all and has a lot of respect for them and he certainly seems to, apart from his wife.

I don't get it and I want to, I need to really.

OP posts:
carabos · 21/10/2011 20:21

Sounds like he's just not that into you.

molepom · 21/10/2011 20:22

tell him he's a knob and that his wife is not only amazing for all the things that you have mentioned but doubly so for putting up with a contradicting, condesending twat like him and still have the grace to let him share the bed each and every night.

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 21/10/2011 20:22

Whats to get? He is a cock.

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 21/10/2011 20:23

Feminism or Relationships.

reallifegetsintheway · 21/10/2011 20:23

wants to keep his wife as the 'little woman at home'- so he can keep her in her place. In reality couldn't cope with the women he admires(from afar).

MissPenteuth · 21/10/2011 20:24

Some men genuinely have no idea how hard being a SAHM is.

FabbyChic · 21/10/2011 20:24

Familiarity breeds contempt it always has.

Once someone gets to know you, they take you for granted, seem to loose respect for you, you fall off the pedastal and seem to become the nobody who does everything.

Itsjustafleshwound · 21/10/2011 20:26

It is because she lets him and he is a bully.

People only get away with the behaviour they are allowed - bullies get away with it, because they can!

People only do things because there is a pay-off - no-one would ever be in a situation where they are not getting something they want or think they deserve.

It is also stupid trying to fathom other people's relationships - they defy all reason and logic ...

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/10/2011 20:29

He sounds to me to be the sort of person who wishes to present himself to the outside world as being a particular type of person (hence praising 'external' women) that he really isn't (hence denigrating 'internal women). In other words, a hypocrite.

He knows what he really is would be looked down upon, so he presents a front to the world to hide his real and unattractive personality.

AgentZigzag · 21/10/2011 20:29

He likes to think he has his wife under his heel because it bolsters his low self esteem, at the same time as making his wife feel she'll never amount to anything so why leave him, anyway, she must deserve it...

What OU are you doing? (I've just restarted mine this week )

budgieshell · 21/10/2011 20:30

Has he got the same attitude to men? Does he have a higher opinion of a professional man over other men? If it is just women, then yes he is a complete knob, if it is both sex's then he is just a regular knob.

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 21/10/2011 20:30

fabby totally disagree with that statement. Few men might do as you say in relationships, but not all.

PreviouslyonLost · 21/10/2011 20:32

A Man we know is a scream...makes everyone laugh with his sharp sense of humour. Just a shame he's a bigoted, racist bastard, who has physically hit his wife despite her every move being an effort to make his life run smoothly.

The man you describe is just another of that type...sad and insecure. Did his Mummy and Daddy not LOVE him I wonder?...No matter what, he is a poisonous human being, I hope he falls off the planet soon.

If this is you TheHalloweenqueen, there is a world of care and support on MN...if you know this wife, please support her.

Original poster
TheHalloweenqueen · 21/10/2011 20:33

Thanks for your replies. I didn't think relationships because I actually KNOW he is a total twat and want to leave him but I just wanted to understand it. It's very confusing and hurtful. He actually laughs when I say it to him, ie you have respect for women you work with who earn loads of money and for attractive women but none for me, he just laughs and doesn't argue. Today has been spent telling me that my weak/bad/poor parenting is the reason that our autistic son is struggling at school. Apparently it is all my fault and he is going to make sure everyone knows it.

agentzigzag I am doing an Open Degree, I couldn't make up my mind and liked the idea of picking lots of modules that interested me. I am loving it. What about you?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHalloweenqueen · 21/10/2011 20:35

No not really to men. Any man who works hard, doesn't matter what at is "a grafter" and he respects that. Me? I am just a lazy bitch, waiting for hand outs who is also a shit parent. Fwiw I can't work because my dc are young and one of them is disabled quite significantly.

OP posts:
GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 21/10/2011 20:37

Goodness OP he sounds vile. I hope you have an exit strategy, it sounds as though you are mentally ready to leave, but do you have a plan? MN is a great place to find out solid practical advice to enable you to do this.

Well done you for being a university student, a SAHM, parenting an ASD child and putting up with this idiocy and abuse.

Itsjustafleshwound · 21/10/2011 20:37

I don't know your situation and far be it for me to comment, but advice is what you ask for when you know the answer, but wish you didn't!!

Good luck in whatever you decide to do

molepom · 21/10/2011 20:43

Jesus Christ OP. I dont know what to say to that. I dont know what to suggest either but I hope someone will come along sonn and suggest something.

Good luck and for what it's worth, you are doing a hell of a job despite him. Your son will be just fine because you will make sure he is adn you concentrate on that degree, get yourself a good job and things will turn out for the better x

AgentZigzag · 21/10/2011 20:45

Him laughing and refusing to talk about it isn't a good sign, not only is he brushing your feelings off as insignificant with the laughing, but not talking about it is saying he doesn't think you're important enough to care about how you feel, let alone go to the trouble of talking to you.

Have you ever forced the point and not let him give you the brush off?

picnicbasketcase · 21/10/2011 20:47

Get out as soon as possible OP. He's utterly vile. That's probably not very helpful, but what a cunt. And I don't say that word very often.

giyadas · 21/10/2011 20:51

I'm wary of any man who says he loves women to sidestep accusations of sexism.
This particular one sounds like an arse.

Original poster
TheHalloweenqueen · 21/10/2011 22:14

I HAVE forced the point, many times, it just leads to more abuse. He truly believes the things he says. I should get a job, not feed off him, stand on my own two feet, when I wanted to go to college, he said I should have done that before children, now I have children I must get a job that fits in with them, he cannot and will not help with child care as he says his job is too pressured. As it happens events transpired, ie my dc having SN so I cannot get a job at all. The attack today on my parenting was the final straw, it is the only thing I really care about and that matters to me. He has said it before but not in so much detail, I have given up everything for my kids, had to and he has given up nothing, his social life has not changed, he does nothing round the house etc and still he attacks me and tells me I am a shit mother, let me make it clear he is NOT just trying to hurt me, he honestly believes it and says that everyone else in his family and at school think it too and that really scares me, I am scared school will think it and make reports on me and mydc. After he said it he went out and I cried A LOT but something hardened in me today and it is the end.

I suppose I just want to GET it iyswim? I don't care why I just clinically want to understand what makes a man think like that. Hearing him say I was a terrible mother made me feel physically sick and trapped, like the one thing I was good at, I wasn't at all and everyone can see it but me. Sorry am rambling now but I don't really know where I am going with this. If someone said to me he thinks like that, because of this or could give me a name for what he is so I could find out about it maybe it wouldn't bother me so much but there is always this doubt that what he says is true.

OP posts:
GovernmentHooker · 21/10/2011 22:20

Jackass? Twat? Pathetic Loser? Asshole? Scumbag? Prick?

Take your pick...... He is a star, no doubt. If he has no respect for the mother of his childre, then he has no repect for his children full stop. If he did, then he would do everything possible to keep his kids happy and healthy and berating their mother is not the way to do it.

Perhaps you could suggest he takes a break from his family for awhile until he can appreciate them better. Pack him a suitcase and leave it on the doorstep. He needs a wake up call.

GovernmentHooker · 21/10/2011 22:23

BTW......save yourself a lot of headache and don't try to figure him out. You may never understand why, or maybe you will learn why but wish you didn't. Suffice it to say, he just isn't cut out for family life.

garlicBreathZombie · 21/10/2011 22:23

Ring Womens Aid for a chat, they'll help you sort your head out. He's a cunt.
Womens Aid - 0808 200 247. Leave it until a weekday if you're not in danger, you'll get through quicker.

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