To not know where to post this but to want some answers anyway?

[TheHalloweenqueen]

Can you explain a man who treats his wife like utter crap, has no respect for anything she does ie bringing up kids and being a SAHM to a disabled child while studying for a degree with the OU, blames her for anything that goes wrong with the dc or home or anything really. Is also similar with other female family members but not as bad as he is with his wife?

BUT

Praises to the skies the women he works with (high powered, very well paid), the teachers who teach his children as they are "intelligent and professional" and also has a lot of time and respect for extremely attractive women, even more so if they have good jobs too but this is not strictly necessary, her just being pretty will do.

Because he says he loves women, is not sexist at all and has a lot of respect for them and he certainly seems to, apart from his wife.

I don't get it and I want to, I need to really.

You may end up never really working out what makes him tick. It says a lot about you that you can't get your head into that horrible mindset. You'd probably have to be at least a little bit horrible yourself to do that. But the books linked above will help you to see that it's depressingly common, and maybe give you a label for his particular shade of nastiness.

The important thing is that he is like it, he is doing it on purpose, and when the other things he says/does to bring you down aren't as effective as they used to be he has to look for the next shitty thing to do to you. That about what a terrible mother you are is the lowest blow, I doubt there's much lower he could sink than that really, although that won't stop him trying if it doesn't seem to have brought you quite low enough.

Get thee unto a solicitor and start researching options, is my strong recommendation. And remember (all together now): it's not you, it's him

Thanks for all your kind responses. Have to be honest I felt a bit low yesterday but feeling better today.

We have a multi disciplinary in a month (doctors, SALT, OT, teachers etc) a couple of weeks after half term and he said that I need to "tell the truth" about my parenting of ds at this meeting because people can't help him otherwise, apparently I need to tell them that from when he was a baby I always gave in to him the minute he cried, that I buy him toys 4 x a week and spoil him, that he DOES have tantrums at home and I always give into him. These are all complete fucking lies btw! Ds NEVER meltdowns with me but often does with H. He says he is not going to "lie" for me anymore! but he IS lying when he says all these things. I know this an Internet forum and you are only getting one side of the story but this is exactly what has been said to me over the past few days.

No one knows what makes ds behave as he does, he has asd ffs! I feel that H is trying to pin it all on me and I am actually quite scared by it and the potential repercussions for ds if he is once again painted as "naughty" and badly parented, with his own fathers help. I suppose I should post this in SN really.

If this is of any consolation, the things that he is "insisting" you "spill the beans on" are not bad things at all - er, I think lots of perfectly NORMAL parents do that (most probably won't call them spoiling) .........and there's nothing harmful per se about that - except maybe to your bank balance if the toys are expensive, and to the space in your home if the toys are large - but little toys: so what? It's ok to spoil children with love - and children get tantrums when tired or upset, that's how they communicate until they get a vocabulary of words. But of course the crunch is whether a parent knows how to deal with a tantrum....still, that's not an "issue" that a multidisciplinary team would worry about unless it causes a child harm - like letting a child with a tantrum run out on to a road, or not feeding a child anything but chocolate, if you get my drift.

All children go through difficult patches even if they don't have ASD or special needs, and it isn't necessarily something that you can make disappear by "good parenting" or "clever parenting". In fact, sometimes good parenting means that you let the child get his tantrum out (which is not the same as only encouraging him to communicate through tantrums) so that he feels secure and comfortable with you. The parents who are so strict that they don't allow any form of emotional display from a child can end up having repressed and severely disturned teenagers/young adults. The mother or parent who is the main carer will know the child best; don't get rattled or overly anxious about other relatives or third parties who say "what's wrong with that kid?" .....it's what adults say when they can't figure it out (it took me a long time not to get offended when I heard that - and now these same individuals say the opposite!)

Don't worry overly about his criticisms of you. Again, one wonders how much sniping is actually going on because he is insecure - maybe even jealous of the bond you have with your child?

How about you contact the team beforehand and request 5 minutes on your own with them? (Don't tell H.) Would that help put put your mind at rest about their possibly misunderstanding the dynamic between you?

None of your "crimes" - according to your Twat - are indicative of bad parenting, anyway. They're just normal parenting.

Typo: "disturbed", not "disturned", even! (line 7 from the bottom). Lol...