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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know where to post this but to want some answers anyway?

55 replies

TheHalloweenqueen · 21/10/2011 20:20

Can you explain a man who treats his wife like utter crap, has no respect for anything she does ie bringing up kids and being a SAHM to a disabled child while studying for a degree with the OU, blames her for anything that goes wrong with the dc or home or anything really. Is also similar with other female family members but not as bad as he is with his wife?

BUT

Praises to the skies the women he works with (high powered, very well paid), the teachers who teach his children as they are "intelligent and professional" and also has a lot of time and respect for extremely attractive women, even more so if they have good jobs too but this is not strictly necessary, her just being pretty will do.

Because he says he loves women, is not sexist at all and has a lot of respect for them and he certainly seems to, apart from his wife.

I don't get it and I want to, I need to really.

OP posts:
giyadas · 21/10/2011 22:28

If he wanted a high pressured job, then he shouldn't have had kids just to dump them on someone else.
If you're a shit mother, what with all the actual mothering you do, what type of father does that make him?
Have you pointed this out to him?
He won't get it, as there are too many benefits to him not getting it.
I know someone like you, but she has 4 kids. The guy is arrogant and always has been, with a special disdain for women who don't put in enough effort to win his approval (which is always grudgingly given and far less than any other man gets for just being a man)
They're the type that will crumble the minute women stop playing along.

garlicBreathZombie · 21/10/2011 22:28

This book answers the question: "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.
And there's this one: "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven.
Also, you can ask the Womens Aid advisor when you ring :)

skybluepearl · 21/10/2011 22:37

He sounds vile and controlling, manipulative. He wants to ruin your confidence and keep you under his thumb. If he truely loved you, he would want the best for you (and your children). That means being allowed to look after your young SN child and study. Lots of women get degrees post children and improve thier lives that way. Is he just trying to ruin your efforts?

AgentZigzag · 21/10/2011 22:39

'After he said it he went out and I cried A LOT but something hardened in me today and it is the end.'

What a great thing for you to have written Smile

That's you realising that he's fucking wrong Smile

Please don't you dare let him dent your confidence when it comes to your relationship with your children.

Let that be the one thing he'll never touch.

I did think maybe he's feeling guilty and wants to push it off onto you being responsible, but he just seems so thorough in his distain for you, it's like he really wants you ground into the dirt doesn't he?

That's not a husband or partners role, their role is to make you feel as though you're more than the sum of your two parts, and he doesn't.

Has this come on gradually over your relationship?

Or did you notice there was a defining time when he started behaving like a wanker?

Original poster
TheHalloweenqueen · 21/10/2011 22:40

He doesn't feel guilty, I promise you, he believes everything he says.

He doesn't even know what I am studying.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHalloweenqueen · 21/10/2011 22:42

It started when I was about 8 months pregnant with first dc. But there had been the odd moment almost right from the beginning.

OP posts:
GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 21/10/2011 22:43

He is an awful person and I can ASSURE you that no one at school shares his views. No one.

Make the call, speak to someone objective and qualified in RL.

I am Angry on your behalf.

Xiaoxiong · 21/10/2011 22:55

His behaviour is really disgusting OP.

Who cares why he thinks this way. Perhaps he is so insecure he has to denigrate you to feel better about himself. Maybe he is modelling the way his parents interacted. Maybe he is intimidated by how much better a parent you are than he is and this is his way of dragging you down to his level. Or maybe he is so competitive that when you got pregnant he realised this was an area where he was not going to be able to compete with you and so he started insulting you instead.

It matters not what the reason is, his attitude and things he has said to you are truly vile. Where's the partnership here, the united front? Where's the common purpose of raising your children together? Where's the love and kindness??

hatesponge · 21/10/2011 23:03

you know, men like this will never EVER see that they are wrong. They see nothing amiss in the way they speak and interact with their wives/partners. And there will always be something to criticise.

I spent a long time with a man like that. When I met him he was so impressed with me - my career, my house, my looks and figure, my independent life, my wide circle of friends. And he then spent the next 8 years systematically undermining all of it. Every single thing he so admired in me at first became a stick to beat me with. My working hours were too long, I didn't earn enough (even though I earned more than him), I wasn't clever enough (I have an Oxbridge degree, he has read 2 books in his life), I wasn't a 'proper' mother because I spent too much time at work and didn't look after his children, or spend enough time cleaning. He encouraged me to eat, and then berated me for getting fat. And so on.

I have never regretted leaving, only that it took me so long.

The long and the short of it is the best, the only, thing you can do is leave him. The best punishment for him will be to see you living a happy life with DC, completing your degree, all on your own without him. And you will you know. You really will.

Soups · 22/10/2011 00:12

"he says he loves women, is not sexist at all and has a lot of respect for them".

I don't love, or respect "men". Some I love, some I respect, some I don't. "Men" aren't a blended gloop.

How does someone who isn't sexist love "women".

TethHearseEnd · 22/10/2011 00:19

He tells you how great other women are specifically to make you feel bad.

That is the sole purpose of him mentioning it.

It is no reflection on his actual feelings about 'women' at all.

springydaffs · 22/10/2011 02:22

Abusers gradually take you apart. You being pg when it first started in earnest was because you were vulnerable, easier to bring down. Now he's really gone if for the kill with the one thing that is the most important thing to you, the one thing you are truly proud of, the one thing you have invested your all into. Perfect target for an abuser Sad

Don't believe him will you OP? It is just a strategy, has no truth in it. i married an abuser so I know how hard it is to extract yourself from the abuse, the things they say (or don't say, or insinuate). It's very very painful. BUT I recognise that hardening, that moment when they push it too far and it is so bad that something in you wakes up and you make your bid for freedom.

Great that you'#re doing your OU degree (I'm starting mine this month - bit worried about the 'biting fingers to the bone' comment - is it hard??) - that'll give you something to take your mind off things. I'd recommend Womens Aid to talk it over with and, in particular, work out exactly how you're going to get out, the logistics etc. I also recommend the Freedom Programme if you've got a minute to get to the meetings or at least do it online. I think some of the meetings provide childcare?

Loves women my arse! He loathes women.

ps if he recognises that he's pushed it too far and starts the charm offensive, try not to fall for it. Don't forget the vile things he said, and why (to bring you down and take you apart).

kipperandtiger · 22/10/2011 02:42

OP, your DH sounds like bad news.Controlling, cruel behaviour. He seems angry about something in his own life - pressurised at work? Feels he can't pay the family bills? Feels he needs help from you financially? He sounds very insecure. But insecure people who ask for reassurance and affection are sweet; insecure people who bully others to make themselves feel better are vile.
I think his comments about women at work or at school are to wind you up, and possibly to give you the message that only women who draw a salary from an employer deserve respect from him. He does seem very obsessed with money or the feeling that you must contribute some, regardless of your other commitments to your children.
But, a word of warning - even if you were (hypothetically) to go back to work, there is no guarantee that this man will become more respectful towards you. His extreme behaviour now suggests that he will just find another excuse to display it.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 22/10/2011 02:45

Because he can and you let him.

colken · 22/10/2011 07:18

Here's a thought. What qualifications does he have compared with what you are aiming for? My first husband is jealous of some of his friends and friends' wives and, certainly, me. We went to grammar schools and he didn't. The difference shows. Yes, he finished up with a good job but he was always treating me with a similar attitude to what is shown to you. When I wanted, after some years, something new to wear, his answer was that I couldn't have it. When I reminded he him that he had a new suit, his answer was, "Yes, but I go to work." In other words, I didn't need anything. There were so many other instances like that that it built up.

I'm glad I got rid of him with 'unreasonable behaviour', keeping a diary of things said and done. Do it now while your LO is small because it will be easier than when he is older. Once my mind was made up, I became strong minded. Ignore any pleading, begging, tears as I did and you will get there. And don't give in. God, I could write a book about mine here but then people would recognise who he is! He's exactly the same now with his second.

Whorulestheroost · 22/10/2011 07:31

Op I agree with what many have written. You have acknowledged that he is a real nasty piece of work. Don't try and understand him, don't waste your time on that. You really need to try and work out how to get away from him. Whether you can stay with relatives of get him to leave, I know it can't be easy but he sounds like he will stop at nothing to hurt you. Please get out for your own sake. You sound like a lovely mum who adores her children don't let him make you doubt yourself just to make himself feel better. Good luck to you

fatfingers · 22/10/2011 08:12

As someone who used to work with perpetrators of domestic abuse, I would say he is demonstrating how distorted his thought processes are. No doubt he would have a million justifications as to why he says these things to you and what you have done to provoke him. There could be lots of reasons for his behaviour (perhaps he grew up in an abusive household, emotional difficulties, mental health issues, alcohol abuse, etc) but what it comes down to is power and control. He can achieve power and control over you through various means including using your children against you. So in this instance he has targeted your parenting ability for no other reason than to dominate and control you. If you believe you are a rubbish parent then you will depend on him, you will need to ask his opinion and let him make decisions. Don't waste any more of your time and energy figuring him out - he probably doesn't even understand why he acts this way himself. Womens Aid can advise and support you (and help you to understand) - please ring them.

CamperFan · 22/10/2011 08:45

Oh OP, he sounds like a vile, controlling, abusive man, that you need to remove from your life to save your sanity! From what I understand there is a real pattern to this kind of behaviour. You will find more great advice on the relationships board too. Fwiw, it sounds like you are doing a great job as a mother and well done on starting your course.

missymarmite · 22/10/2011 09:05

This sounds like a codependent relationship. Get out. He is emotionally abusing you, you don't deserve this. He won't ever change.

Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2011 09:19

"he honestly believes it and says that everyone else in his family and at school think it too and that really scares me, I am scared school will think it and make reports on me and mydc"

OP you need to be reading all of these statements back. You need to end this now, if you don't and he wins by destroying your confidence and your self esteem, who is going to do the caring for the children? (that is, if you cannot get out for yourself at least do it for them).

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2011 11:56

He's really upping the ante, isn't he, with his latest attack? He is trying to reduce you to dust, OP. He wants you to have zero self esteem, to feel worthless and powerless.

He is truly awful. You must leave. You really must.

BlowHole · 22/10/2011 11:59

Don't waste your time trying to understand him, just leave and get your life back.
He is abusive, so anyone who is not abusive won't be able to understand his motivations.

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2011 12:02

Let's get practical.

Do you and he have a mortgage on your home or do you rent it?

I wouldn't assume he would move out. I would assume he'd get nasty if you suggested it.

Can you get your hands on enough money for a deposit on a house and a month's rent?

(I'm not going to be surprised to find he's financially abusive, too.)

marriedinwhite · 22/10/2011 12:15

OP, I'm a great one for saying that marriage has to be worked at and needs compromise on all sides especially when the love turns to companionship and the seeds of great partnership are sowing. That is what you deserve; that is what he is not going to give you.

There is NOTHING wrong with you except that you made one bad decision and probably that was before he showed his true colours. One bad decision does not need to last a lifetime and you need to draw a line in the sand, move on and give yourself the space and time to recover so that next time you can take a good decision which lead to a better place.

YOU deserve much more. He sounds like a emotionally abusive bastard. You can do this alone. You can be much happier - if you have to take handouts from him, take them but that doesn't mean you have to continue to live with him and listen to it.

First steps - no argument, no row, no confrontation but get yourself to a solicitor on Monday and get the clear picture in relation to your rights and present it to him just like those successful, assertive women he respects so much. If you have to and if you can tell your mum, your sister, your best friend and see if they will tide you over with the initial expenses.

YOU will come out of this so much better than he will and you will have a fantastic future ahead of you. If he wants a better future he will need to change.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Try to have a reasonable weekend - snuggle up to your dc, take them out in the sunshine, prepare your next steps carefully and build a secure and independent family unit.

colken · 22/10/2011 12:24

Birdsgottafly is right. He's lowering your self-esteem until you feel yourself that you are nothing. It happened to me and the longer you leave it the lower you will feel. I had good friends who helped me mentally.

If you own your house (between you), don't just sell and split the proceeds. I bought out my OH but I didn't pay half. He had to concede his prospective pension interests and I finished up paying half of his half.

After 29 years, I thought all men were of the same attitude but they are not. I met a wonderful, loving man who really cared and showed it in various ways. There's always a future.