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AIBU?

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub?

OP posts:

Report

Boobz · 20/10/2011 19:43

Oh I have another corker (different set of friends)... friend was asked by bride to be whether she could borrow her very cool VW camper to take her and bridesmaids to the church, to which friend said yes. Friend's DH was an usher and invited to groom's stag weekend (happening same weekend as Hen), but friend not invited on Hen weekend...

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2011 20:02

There are so many ways to tell someone that they mean nothing whatsover - OP, your 'friend' has found a way and now you're going to go to a hen night to celebrate an occasion you're not invited to?

Sorry, been thinking about this for a while - you are mad! You might as well have 'walk all over me' tattooed on your forehead.

AKissIsNotAContract · 20/10/2011 20:02

There's no way the organiser would have already paid £200 per person for everyone going. She'd be thousands of pounds out of pocket if she had. So you should be able to pull out.

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 20:03

Thanks all.

I've been holding this little bit of info back, in case I outed myself, but here goes anyway (if friend is reading and realises who it is, please see that I have been snubbed!) the bride-to-be originally asked if my DH, who's a photographer, would do their wedding and that could be our present to them. He said that he'd be happy to and kept the date free. Next thing we realise is that her fiancee had already booked a photographer (my friend didn't know this when she asked me), although she never mentioned it to me again. It was her fiancee who told me that DH doesn't need to do it...and, as you know, no invitation.

Again, thanks everyone for your advice. I can't expect anyone else to foot my bill, so I will go to the hen and perhaps my friend will be a blushing bride when people ask what me and the other woman will be wearing to the wedding!

OP posts:

PopcornMouse · 20/10/2011 20:08

Really?? You're still going to go?? [hhmm] Really??

KittyFane · 20/10/2011 20:08

boobz NO!! I can't believe your poor friend went :(
This reminds me of first and second lists for DC birthday parties.
A friend of mine does this, she sends out invitations and for every person who can't come , she sends an invitation to someone off list 2.
It's about numbers and presents and making sure the party remains a good size. Pah, I think it's horrible.

octopusinabox · 20/10/2011 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HestonMoomintroll · 20/10/2011 20:10

Don't humiliate yourself by gong to the hen party. Please. I'd explain the situation to the organiser and suggest she gets a 'proper' friend of the bride as a replacement.

PopcornMouse · 20/10/2011 20:11

I agree with Heston SOOOOO much. The words "mug" and "doormat" spring to mind - don't humiliate yourself :(

StopRainingPlease · 20/10/2011 20:12

I've been to hen nights when I wasn't invited to the wedding, but they were evening-out-with-girls-from-work kind of hen nights, rather than £200 jobs. Never felt insulted about not being invited to the weddings, but then I wasn't a close friend to either - makes a difference if you are I think.

Mind you I don't think I'd go to any hen night that cost £200!

KittyFane · 20/10/2011 20:12

OP, if you really are going, make sure the other members of the group know you are not invited and hopefully it will save your blushes when you are asked about presents, dresses etc.

HestonMoomintroll · 20/10/2011 20:12

Really. OP sees this cow as a 'good friend', said cow sees OP as a complete doormat. Prove her wrong!

Putrifyno · 20/10/2011 20:15

So your "friend" was hoping for free photos? Or at least to not have to pay the photographer for being there. They are totally taking the piss! Do NOT go to Hen Party! Do not speak to her again. If you want to spend £200 please book a Eurostar ticket to Brussels, and come stay with me for the weekend. I will lay on wine and chocolate and chinese and we can take the piss out of these grasping loons for hours.

SootySweepandSue · 20/10/2011 20:15

It's all coming out in the wash...she was really after some free photography.

How disgusting.

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2011 20:16

This might sound harsh, but why did you bother posting on here?

Every single person has said you would be crazy to hand over £200 for a hen night when you're not invited to the wedding.

You knew we'd say this, didn't you, yet you are still going to be a martyr and go to the hen. I'd bet my house you end up giving her money as a wedding present, too.

BehindLockNumberNine · 20/10/2011 20:17

But there is no bill to foot!! The bill is the brides and the brides alone! You do not have a bill.

marianhalcombe · 20/10/2011 20:19

I don't agree the OP is a mug/doormat. She is in a very difficult situation and being extremely polite and gracious.

As she mentioned, she'll move away from this friendship afterwards.

marianhalcombe · 20/10/2011 20:19

But agreed, I wouldn't send a gift for the honeymoon.

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 20:20

Sounds great, Putrifyno! :)

Yeah, I am a mug. And not for the first time.

I posted on here in case I wasn't BU. I thought perhaps it might be more common than I think to invite people to the hen and not the wedding/ reception.

I definitely won't give her money as a pressie. I don't like money as a gift anyway. After the hen I'll draw a line under the friendship. She'll want something again soon and I'll just say no. If she asks why I'll be honest.

I know I'm a fool for going, but it's not for the bride's benefit. I said to the organiser (who seems very nice) that I'd go and that I'd pay my bill etc, and so I will. We have to wear a specific sort of outfit and I got mine on Freecycle, so there's a saving for a start!

OP posts:

libelulle · 20/10/2011 20:21

I didn't invite everyone from my hen do to my wedding, but 'hen do' in question was an evening in the pub! If I was expecting people to spend crazy amounts of money (which I think is really rude anyway) it would seem rude beyond belief not to invite them to the wedding. I think you'd be insane to go. Can you not confront her at the very least, in an 'I'm extremely hurt' kind of way? The bit about the photography just takes the biscuit.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 20:21

I am sorry, but you will look a mug.

If the other hen party goers find out that you are not invited to the wedding, dont you think they will think "wtf is she doing here, then?!" It is not going to look good. You are going to look like the friend who was not good enough to come to the wedding, but invited to the hen for appearances sake..... It is the pity prize!

ScarahStratton · 20/10/2011 20:22

Please, please don't go. She is taking you for a mug, don't let her get away with it. You owe her NOTHING.

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QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 20:23

The organizer is a stranger.

declining is the polite thing to do, seeing as you are not really wanted to help celebrate.

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2011 20:23

OP, what's your reason for going? Is it because the organiser has set it all up? Do you think that if a person pulls out, it will cost her £200?

Why should it? Whenever you block book an activity or a restaurant or whatever, you always phone up a week or so beforehand and confirm the exact number of places.

Why don't you be honest now? You were given a template for an email to the organiser that nobody could refute. You would really prefer to cut her off when she's in mid flow talking about the wedding and trying to show you the photos?

KittyFane · 20/10/2011 20:24

Imperial OP may well have known that her friend is out of order all along but she gets my sympathy, this woman has put her in a difficult position and is not playing fair.
If OP doesnt go, the fall out will be twisted in favour of the bride to be.
OP is damned if she goes and damned if she doesn't.

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