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AIBU?

to feel snubbed by lack of invitation?

713 replies

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:25

It's a good friend's hen do in a couple of weeks' time. It'll cost me around £200 to attend (a LOT of money for me!).

Out of the twelve or so people invited to the hen, two of us aren't invited to the wedding reception. On the email list to organise the hen, they're all discussing what they're wearing for the wedding (I think only I and the other woman know that we're not invited).

Over the past year or so I've helped my friend and her fiancee out a few times when they've been stuck and seem to be a bit of a first-port-of-call for them. We've known each other for about five years.

For the reception, they've hired a hall and a DJ, so numbers aren't overly-restricted.

So am I being over-sensitive, or is this a snub?

OP posts:

Report

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2011 16:54

"Aaagh, I don't want to embarrass anyone."
Oh, you've really got to get over that!
Especially when 'anyone' so richly deserves it. Consider it to be a favour - otherwise she'll continue to alienate her friends and die sad and lonely.

IveGotTightsOlderThanYouLove · 20/10/2011 16:57

Thanks all.

I only know the other woman who isn't invited to the wedding/reception. Never met any of the others. I think they're all from a town that she used to live in.

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 20/10/2011 16:57

Erm, you haven't paid anything yet, you don't have to go/pay! Say to the bridesmaid organising it that it's all rather akward that you've been invite to the hen as you haven't been invited to the wedding, so think it must be a mistake that you have been asked to go on the hen do. Say you won't be coming and she should let you and/or the bride know if she's out of pocket/unable to cancel your place - the chances are she will still be able to cancel if she's not asked you for money yet.

It might be there's a £50 or so deposit lost, which you can then decide if you want to pay, or it might be that the bride is able to fill your place with someone she's decided to invite to the wedding.

Don't get a present.

However, are you sure you're not invited? It could be a lost invite....

zipzap · 20/10/2011 16:59

Just cross posted and seen this.

I would be very tempted to drop out and refuse to pay, and say that you are sure that she can find a proper wedding guest to go.

If she didn't tell you that you couldn't drop out without forfeiting the money when she was sorting it out she can hardly expect you to fork out now you have realised you are not going to the wedding. And I'm guessing that you wouldn't really want to go to the edding now if she does it as an afterthought rather than a proper original invite (although I could be massively wrong on this!)

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2011 17:03

Hmm, you don't know the person who is organising the hen do. I'd tell her to look to the bride to make up any money that has been committed.

BalloonSlayer · 20/10/2011 17:06

I know it's not me actually having to do it, but if you go all polite and must-have-been-a-misundestandingy about it you run the risk of receiving a grudging invitation through the post, then you're in the position of having to go, turn up on the day and cough up for hen do AND present, knowing all the time that the rude cow snubbed you.

I'd say a terse email to the hen organiser might be in order.

"Sorry henorganiser but I knew from the start I would struggle to find the money for this hen do, but I thought it my duty to attend as Bridezilla is such a good friend of mine. However, it seems that this is not reciprocated as Bridezilla hasn't actually invited me to the wedding. It's quite inappropriate for me to be expected to attend an expensive hen do when not a wedding guest, so I won't be coming. I know you will understand and hope you all have a good time."

Then ignore further emails asking about payment - just don't respond.

JajasWjolef · 20/10/2011 17:13

Can't you speak to the woman who is organising the hen do and ask her why on earth you are invited to one and not the other?

I couldn't have sat listening to her droning on about her wedding knowing I wasn't invited - very bad form on her part. She wouldn't even be getting a card from me I'm afraid .

JajasWjolef · 20/10/2011 17:16

BalloonSlayer that is an excellent email suggestion!

Whatmeworry · 20/10/2011 17:25

Its a snub.

Pull out, tell her why. BalloonSlayer's text works for me.

LydiaWickham · 20/10/2011 17:27

BalloonSlayer's e-mail is perfect! It's not nasty name calling, it's not bitter, it's clear you're not coming, not offering to pay, not making an excuse and clear you aren't happy with crap friend.

Don't call her a bridezilla, this isn't bridezilla behaviour, which is normal people becoming all princessy round their wedding, this is just a crap friend and it's come to a head round her wedding. If it wasn't this, sooner or later she'd make it clear how little she cares about you and hurt you.

Abra1d · 20/10/2011 17:30

I wouldn't go to the hen night. IT's a lot of money, even if you had been invited to the wedding. I wouldn't give reasons, I'd just politely decline.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 17:33

Did you get the invitation to the hen before you realized that you were not invited to the wedding?

If so, you can decline the hen on account of not knowing at the time when you said "yes" that you were not in fact invited to the wedding reception. Nobody in their right minds will hold that against you. Let the other snubbed hen invitee know what you are doing.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 17:34

Balloonslayers email suggestion is PERFECT.

wannaBe · 20/10/2011 17:41

balloonslayer's email is perfect.

but

Am I the only one who doesn't get this idea of going on hen/stag do's for £200 a pop? Whatever happened to a couple of drinks in the pub and a crap stripper?

clam · 20/10/2011 17:44

How can the bride possibly think it's OK to bang on and on about her wedding to someone she hasn't even invited? Particularly someone who's close enough to be on the list. Different from telling your hairdresser about it I mean.
What sort of cow bridezilla is she?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2011 17:53

Use BalloonSlayer's words for text/e-mail, they are perfect. But maybe replace 'Bridezilla' with bride's name .

pigletmania · 20/10/2011 17:55

YANBU at all, if she is a good friend why are you not going to the wedding? Its very rude to ask for a wedding present when you are not invited, I personally would not go. Its a lot of money, and the friend does not see you in the same light as you do her, go and do something nice instead.

CupOfBrownJoy · 20/10/2011 18:01

No way would I go to the hen, or give her a present.

She's using you

slavetofilofax · 20/10/2011 18:02

The bride would end up having to pay for your share, and tbf, she deserves it for being so rude.

If she's charging admission asking for money for her wedding, she will be able to afford it.

You would be doing absolutely nothing wrong by backing out now, because you accepted the invitation thinking that you would be going to the wedding. You might have agreed to pay, but things have changed as you have now realised that the hen is not really your friend.

pigletmania · 20/10/2011 18:03

Did you find out it was £200 when you agreed to go or after. I would just say that your circumstances have changed and you cannot afford to go.

picnicbasketcase · 20/10/2011 18:06

Send BalloonSlayer's email and try to resist the urge to add 'And tell 'Bride' she can go and whistle up a lamp post if she thinks I'm giving her any honeymoon money too'.

Icelollycraving · 20/10/2011 18:06

You must be really very hurt :(
Could you & the other lady who isn't invited get a plan together? It would be even worse if she goes & you don't. I have a very strong suspicion that you will go whatever email suggestions we come up with. If you do,then see it as a weekend away etc & switch off whenever wedding talk comes up.
I didn't have anyone at my wedding who came to my hen as we got married abroad. I didn't ask,expect or receive gifts (aside from hen night stuff!). Bad form all round of her.
Do not help her or be first port of call again.

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HerScaryness · 20/10/2011 18:07

DO NOT GO TO THIS DO. For the love of Cheeses, send balloonslayer's email.

Stuff this, you are being mugged, of £200 with your own permission

ADDED TO THIS... she is demanding money for a honeymoon she ought to have paid for herself, following a wedding she doesn't ACTUALLY want you AT FFS!

MoaninMinny · 20/10/2011 18:07

when they said whatcha wearing to the wedding, why didnt you reply to all and say nowt cos i aint invited luv

LydiaWickham · 20/10/2011 18:10

BTW - £200, is this a total for various events, hotel room, transport? At least part of that will be possible to amend the numbers without having to pay. She's not going to have to cover the whole amount.

Do send Balloonslayers message, it's perfect (obviously replacing the names), then forget about it. The Bride has just had a costly lesson in how not to treat people. Or you can let her think this is acceptable.

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