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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

360 replies

feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:04

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

OP posts:
JIRkids · 20/10/2011 14:24

I can understand why your husband is desperate to stop his daughter from going abroad so it makes sense that he would do everything to stop this. It doesn't sound like he really thinks that her mother would leave anyway, he is doing it to stop them leaving the country. It seems quite reasonable to me. If I was him I would be the same to be honest. Why would her mother let this happen, children have a right to both parents where possible. The job sounds like a good opportunity for the step dad but not at the expense of splitting a family up surely?

laptopwieldingharpy · 20/10/2011 14:24

You are absolutely not being unreasonnable and come accross as a very sensible, caring person.
Your DP is on the other hand is being very selfish making decisions on your behalf.
You must have the talk now.

Of course his daughter comes first and you have never said otherwise, a lot of posters have been very unfair to you.

Its not a decsion for him to make on your behalf and its very wrong of him to use you as a pawn in his custody battle.
If you were taken out of the equation, and that's what any court should do, he would not stand a chance at settling petty scores with ex wife by removing his daughter from a stable environment to bring her into your life as an accessory.

You must not let him use this card as this is not in the best interest of his DD.
Its a hard pill to swallow for him, but he needs to move on. Your " family unit" is nothing but a fiction at this point in time and he needs to understand that he will be putting enormous emotional pressure on everyone.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 14:24

You ask "Does this happen often then, mums moving abroad and potentially leaving their DCs behind?!" almost as if this is what your DP's EX has planned, yet really it is your DP who is forcing this upon her.

No, it does not happen often. In most cases the non-resident parent agrees to this, and make sure to either visit or fund visits as often as feasible, keeping the child's best interest close at heart. Long summer holidays, Easter breaks, half term breaks, Christmas etc. Considering there are 3 half term breaks lasting 9 days, Easter break is often nearly 3 weeks, and 2 weeks for Christmas, and 6 weeks for summer, it is quite a lot! It means quality contact!

It seems you have found yourself a difficult man, in this respect at least.

Bonsoir · 20/10/2011 14:26

Why doesn't DP let his DD go with her mother and stepfather to Dubai, and ask for her to spend all the holidays with him and you? That is the standard arrangement.

NorfolkBroad · 20/10/2011 14:29

I can completely understand your feeling daunted by the prospect of becomming a FT stepparent when you had no expected that the happen. However, your DP has a child and you knew that when you met him/moved in with him.

Yes, you have a fun, active life now I understand that but he has always been a parent and as many have said this brings with it responsibilities and these can change with time. Your DP is showing that he is a caring parent by responding in this way....what a horrible situation for him too.

Please be honest with your DP about your feelings because he needs to know that you are feeling this apprehensive. In this situation if he was awarded custody and you were still very unhappy about your role in the set up it would be a very difficult atmosphere for your SD to cope with, poor kid. I really hope you can resolve this very tricky situation.

youllbewaiting · 20/10/2011 14:30

I think the step-dad is the unreasonable one.

He can go away and travel back to see his family.

porcamiseria · 20/10/2011 14:30

"The job sounds like a good opportunity for the step dad but not at the expense of splitting a family up surely?

well said, very well said

It seems to be assumed by many that a man not seing his kid any more is COMPLETELY OK , just so her stepdad can follow the expat dream!
to see your kid every other weekend is little enough, but every 3 months??? thats so sad IMO

some fucked up attitudes on here

laptopwieldingharpy · 20/10/2011 14:32

I do agree with other posters that the mother has a lot of soul searching to do. But that is beyond your reach.

SansaLannister · 20/10/2011 14:34

This guy sounds like a total arse, OP. Get friggin' REAL. Look how he's treating his ex and how he treats his own kid, fobbing her off so he can indulge in a hobby when he has her a limited time as it is, now just assuming you're going to become the childminder whilst he swans off and does this thing?

And you've only been together 6 months?

Don't just run, leave skidmarks!

Bonsoir · 20/10/2011 14:38

It's perfectly OK for divorced parents with children to move away to another country. I know tons of families like this. The usual set-up is the child lives with one parent during term-time and the other during holiday times.

Another arrangement is for the child to live with one parent for two/three years and then to swap.

laptopwieldingharpy · 20/10/2011 14:38

Please stop saying the dad is an a*. He IS doing the right thing by his daughter. He is not being fair towards the op and that's where her questions lie.
Its the mother that is choosing the confort of being a dubai kept expat wife over the happiness of her child.

blackeyedsusan · 20/10/2011 14:42

perhaps talk over the details with him and how is he going to arrange child care. if he is assuming that you are going to pick up the slack for him it would be good to know that now before you do get married/have a child with him. depending on what happens, you may find that he is not the right person for you. I would hope that he is going to marry you because you are you, not because you are a means to an end of getting his daughter to live with him.

I also suspect that he is not thinking too clearly at the moment at the prospect of "losing" his daughter for 3 years and possibly longer.

SansaLannister · 20/10/2011 14:42

I'll state my opinion as I see it, laptop. This is a 'dad' whose hobby is more important than his kid and his current partner. Arse, arse, arse.

screamingbohemian · 20/10/2011 14:43

He won't never see his kid again -- how dramatic! He will see her less often but for longer periods, which could be nicer anyway.

I would have more sympathy for the dad if he had ever had a serious relationship with the ex, been a full-time parent for a while, had his DD 50% of the time, etc.

But I don't see how it will be harmful for the daughter to see her dad less often but for longer periods. I think it must be incredibly hurtful for her to go through a court process and face the breakup of her family though.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 20/10/2011 14:44

'Its the mother that is choosing the confort of being a dubai kept expat wife over the happiness of her child.'

Judge much? The father has been offered the chance to go too. He would rather split the child from her mother and sibling.

SansaLannister · 20/10/2011 14:45

FFS, she's only been with him 6 months and you lot are all as if they've been married for yonks and have children together.

'Talk it over with him', go to counselling, etc.

Fuckin' hell, he has made it out to a court that his girlfriend of 6 months is going to be on hand for childcare without consulting her.

DEALBREAKER, folks! MAJOR red flag that what HE wants and HIS way is more important than: a) other peoples' feelings including his kid's and partner's b) honesty isn't a priority to him.

Why on EARTH suggest a 25-year-old with no children remain with someone like this?

NorfolkBroad · 20/10/2011 14:45

Sansa I didn't read the whole thread but if it does indeed say that the DP leaves his DD with a childminder while he indulges in his hobby during their limited time together it is outrageous. I cannot bear PT parents that do that.

SansaLannister · 20/10/2011 14:47

The OP says that herself, Norfolk.

youllbewaiting · 20/10/2011 14:47

Who would take a job working for their ex's new partner?

The person who has made you move 1000s of miles so you can see your daughter?

youllbewaiting · 20/10/2011 14:48

She said:

'We have even sometimes left his DD with a sitter'

Crime of the century.

MJlovesscareypants · 20/10/2011 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NorfolkBroad · 20/10/2011 14:51

Ok if it's occasional then fair enough but any more than that I do think is selfish and uncaring. I was thinking of my friends ex DH who has his kids on Saturdays and they have to spend the entire day at his rugby club being ignored while he plays and then has a drink with his friends.

No, I certainly wouldn't take a job with my ex's new partner! What a nightmare!

diddl · 20/10/2011 14:56

No, it´s not a crime to leave your child with a sitter.

But tbh if you only see them every other weekend, you´d think that you´d spend all of that time with them unless something really important came up to prevent it.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 20/10/2011 14:56

I'd take it in a heartbeat to ensure my DD got to see both parents. Even if I did it for 6 months on a trial basis. Or come up with an arrangement that meant I got to see my DD for blocks of time over the holidays equivalent to my every other weekend. I would never suggest she be separated from the parent she has lived with for her whole life - her father never lived with them - and her sibling.

SansaLannister · 20/10/2011 14:58

He lied to a court without consulting her to sway his case.

And you lot are telling her to have a talk with him.

She feels scared already. She doesn't talk to him about it because he's so 'stressed and upset'.

Look, I have two daughters, OP. If you were one of mine, I'd want her the hell away from this guy.

He sounds like very bad news. He asked you to move in soon after the ex told him about Dubai, then uses this to claim to the court he's got a stable home life for this child who's never lived with him.

BIG red flags, OP. MAJOR ones.