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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

360 replies

feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:04

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 13:56

So, in other words, this man has NO IDEA what being a full time parent entails.

ok, op, I am off now. I hope you manage to have a constructive conversation with him, and find an outcome you are happy with.

Proudnscary · 20/10/2011 13:58

There is EVERY possibility he will get custody - I speak with recent and very real experience. And siblings do and can get split up in such cases. Many judges nowadays don't look upon mothers taking children abroad in a good light.

Someone I know very well re-located to America. She and new dh wanted to take her two children, one from a previous relationship. She did not take her ex's bid for custody seriously. He didn't live with his child, had him every other weekend and two days in between. The judge found in his favour even though son would be separated from the mother and his half brother.

My friend is now out in America without her son.

porcamiseria · 20/10/2011 14:00

"Your DP sounds very selfish and a control freak"

WHY!!!!! because he does not want his child to move to another country, I am genuinely baffled by this. He loves his kids, and he is reacting badly to the idea of her moving away. err, thats being a parent. I am not condoning his behaviour, but his gut freacton, to not want her to leave. Thats normal!

you know how we all say we would kill for our kids, or words to that effect. Why when its dad that loves his kid, do we see that as unreasonable?

I find it a very very sad attitude

porcamiseria · 20/10/2011 14:02

proud, why on earth did your friend go????? god its fucked up isn;t it
but why did she put relocating to the US over her child????

screamingbohemian · 20/10/2011 14:02

No, I would not be happy to see my child taken to another country.

I would not respond to that situation, however, by refusing to compromise, manipulating my partner into moving in with me, dragging my child through a court case and threatening to break up her family.

I think less frequent but much longer visitations are a decent compromise and what is probably in the best interest of the child.

diddl · 20/10/2011 14:02

Wouldn´t the mother be given the choice, though?

Stay & keep your daughter ormove & lose her?

somethingwillturnup · 20/10/2011 14:03

Proudnscary that judge was an ass - I hope your friend keeps fighting it. Why on earth could he not rule about access - instead of taking the child away from his primary carer and basically handing him to a p/t dad? The system sucks....

Feelinghorrid would he being doing this if he was on his own, and would effectively be a single parent for 3 years? And would he 'hand her back' when her mum and stepdad returned? Think about it

LizzieBusy · 20/10/2011 14:05

YANBU to feel like this. BUT its none of your business really and if it came down to it, he would choose his child over you - and that is exactly how it should be.

LizzieBusy · 20/10/2011 14:07

I am really laughing at all the Mums saying the partner is selfish. If the shoe was on the other foot and the father was taking a child, you would all be up in arms!!

caramelwaffle · 20/10/2011 14:07

Just read again what Quintessential has put.

He is using you. Regardless as to whether the court case was about child custody, a car crash or witnessing shoplifting, for example, you are nothing except a means to an end.

You don't really want to hear this, I think, so in that case, good luck with everything and goodbye.

spookshowangellovesit · 20/10/2011 14:09

i would suggest that you jack this thread op as you will get a lot of grief from mums on here and not massive amounts of support the step parents area in being a parent will give much more grounded support and advice on this.
good luck op you are in a really tricky situation and i feel for you.

somethingwillturnup · 20/10/2011 14:09

be doing this......

porcamiseria · 20/10/2011 14:10

exactly Lizzie

Its like the minute you are a PT Dad through custody, you are not a parent, you sont give a shit. Its a depressing attitude

The people who are BU are the Mums (or Dads) that make a decison to take their kids to another country where they wont see their dads (or MUms). Bang out of order IMO

But still, a hairy situation for OP

dramatrauma · 20/10/2011 14:10

Lizzie and Porca, he's not being selfish to want his child with him. He's being selfish and controlling about railroading the OP into being mummy when she doesn't want to me.

dramatrauma · 20/10/2011 14:10

To 'be'. Ahem.

Proudnscary · 20/10/2011 14:11

Something - Well, do you know what, I think the judge was (sort of) right. The boy was being taken away from his father and the father wasn't having it - I understand that completely.

The best and obvious thing was that my friend should have abanoned her 'new life' plans, even though it would have meant losing a lot of money and putting an end to her dreams.

She's not fighting it because she can't afford it and has been told (by her own lawyer) it would be fruitless.

The boy (11) was asked who he wanted to live with in a series of meetings and hearings.

And is now without his mother most the time.

I think it's wrong and selfish to take a child away from another parent just because you have a new relationship and exciting job prospects.

And I agree with Porc

scotchmeg · 20/10/2011 14:12

I think people who have interpreted this as an anti-men thing have got it all wrong. Beleive me as someone who's partner's ex was talking about moving their then 10 year old to Australia a while back - it is a horrible thing for any father to go through.

It's because of all the extra information here that we are "up in arms" about it. He barely sees the child, has never lived with her, wants to seperate her from her sister, and even now when he does have her (once every 14 days!) he goes out and gets a sitter to be with the child. This is not a Dad who is putting his child's needs first. Or his new wife's.

hepcat · 20/10/2011 14:14

Red flags galore in what sounds like a hot mess.

OP, just to give you a bit of additional perspective, perhaps. When I met my (now) DH, I already had a 13 month old DD from a previous relationship. Because we lived 130 miles apart and I wanted to ensure my ex still had reasonable contact with my DD, my now DH jumped through all sorts of hoops to make things work. For example, for over a year he drove down to see us every weekend. When we got married, he gave up the excellent job he's had for 18 years as well as leaving his entire social support system.

He was totally and completely committed to being with me and parenting my DD with me- and it was still VERY hard on everyone. There were times when it nearly ruined our relationship, and that's with being able to talk very openly and honestly as mature adults about expectations and roles. We both had to make a certain number of compromises and I had to respect the sacrifices he was making especially when it came to making further demands on him as far as his expected input.

My point is that being a stepparent can be a huge challenge laden with minefields under the best of circumstances. I implore you to consider this very, very carefully, especially with the behaviour you've described from your DP.

dearheart · 20/10/2011 14:15

OP, i would talk to your DP and tell him that you don't want to take on huge amounts of responsibility for his dd - so he should not treat you as a key element in his plan for looking after her. You should work out exactly how much you are prepared to do and tell him - so that he can make a realistic plan for how he will care for her. There isn't any reason why you should take on the role of primary carer here - but as an SM you are bound to end up looking after her some of the time.

A good parent is always going to want to be with their dc. So trying to stop him fighting for custody is likely to end your relationship, I would have thought. Personally I would support him as his partner - while being realistic about my own needs. If he won, I would manage - and be careful to maintain my boundaries rather than becoming a de facto mum. Being a happy step-parent involves being clear about your role and not doing more than you want to (which is really tricky!)

But I think he is unlikely to win - our lawyer said there would be little we could do to stop dss's mother taking him abroad if she chose to (and your dp's dd has a sibling, which will be taken into account). I know someone who did win in a similar case but the half-siblings were on the dad's side and the dc lived with each parent half the time. That's not the case here.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/10/2011 14:15

"They weren't married, he never lived with them." Shock Shock Shock

ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE TO HAVE ANY PART IN THIS ASSHOLES MANIPULATION OF HIS EX??

Sorry to be so emphatic, but - think this through! You are being used, and so is his DD.

TheOriginalFAB · 20/10/2011 14:15

QS - from this

"I don't know if his DD's mum would leave without her. She is 'considering it' but I don't know what that means. I do know there's a lot of pressure on her from the stepdad."

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 20/10/2011 14:17

The step dad has offered him a job so he could move too. He said no.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 14:17

And from this you read that the stepdad does not want the little girl to come?
Have you read the thread? The reason the girl is staying behind is not because her stepdad does not want her, but because the ex is refusing to let her go with them, thus splitting the family up.

DuelingFanjo · 20/10/2011 14:20

YANBU to worry about the childcare you might have to take on. YANBU to think that she might feel a lot of distress at being separated from her mum and sister. On the other hand your DP INBU to be upset that his daughter could potentially move away never to be seen again :(

You ask "Does this happen often then, mums moving abroad and potentially leaving their DCs behind?!" almost as if this is what your DP's EX has planned, yet really it is your DP who is forcing this upon her.

It does sound like he's going to expect you to do a lot of the childcare, hence mentioning your shifts.

how easy do you find it to sit down with him and talk about what you want in the relationship? You just sound very much like you are being railroaded into things you are not happy with. A good relationship is one where you can discuss this kind of thing openly.

screamingbohemian · 20/10/2011 14:20

WhereYouLeftIt exactly, while I am sure he loves his DD, the scale of the manipulation here is really Shock