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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP's daughter to live with us while her mum moves abroad?

360 replies

feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 12:04

DP has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's a lovely girl. I don't know her that well (only moved in with DP a few months ago), but she's very sweet and there's no jealousy at all - she's 8. She stays with us every other weekend.

Her mum has since married and had a baby daughter who DP's daughter dotes on. I've only met her mum once and never met the stepdad or the new baby but I hear about them a lot.

Her stepdad works for a big company and a couple of months ago he was offered a job in the Dubai office. He and DP's daughter's mum want to take the job and live in Dubai with DP's daughter and their baby for three years.

DP is fighting this right now and he is hopeful he will be able to stop them relocating. He doesn't want to take the risk they don't return and isn't happy with his daughter being so far away. He also thinks the contact offered wouldn't be enough and lots of other reasons. It's a big fight. He's really stressed and angry about it.

He has told his daughter's mum that she should consider going and leaving his DD here with us. I am really unhappy about that! DP and I have only been together for 6 months and I am 25, I really like his daughter but having her here fulltime would mean I'd end up doing far far more parenting than I feel ready for. Also DP and I both work fulltime. We have activities most evening (we share an interest), and would need to either give them up or hire a babysitter - either way we'd need to be home earlier and it would basically be a massive limitation on our lives together.

I feel quite horrible for feeling this way and don't feel like I can tell DP as he would be horrified I'm not jumping at the chance to have his DD with us. But I think he is quite blinkered about it - we'd need to sort out schools and I think it would be traumatic for her to be seperated from her mum and stepdad and half-sister. But DP says she'd be far worse affected by being in Dubai for 3 years (plus he doesn't know for sure they will come back).

I don't know what to do - should I just support him in this even though I have my misgivings? Or I could tell him how I feel but I'm worried that would make him angry or depressed.

OP posts:
ShroudOfHamsters · 20/10/2011 13:20

The more I think on this, the more horibly manipulative this man sounds.

OP knows deep down that she's now caught between two stools... it's going to take a lot of courage now that this is going to court to step up and say, actually, I didn't agree to this. Or to discuss anything like moving out, getting some space. Because then it's going to be - 'How could you do this to me, you're going to destroy my chances of winning/seperate me from my DD' etc.

Emotional blackmail, just as is going on right now: 'I think I do need to talk to him, of course I do, but he is so stressed and upset by all this.' Yup. You betcha he's going to be stressed - as stressed as possible, any approach to put pressure on you to go along with this.

It is SO irresponsible, SO manipulative, SO not in the best interests of anyone but him. This is such a huge, huge commitment - OP, even if you were fully up for it, you'd probably be getting advice on here that you'd be crazy to consider this when your relationship is so new itself.

You're being lined up to be Mummy plus chief cook and bottle washer, at 25, so this 39-year-old hobby-lover can have his cake and eat it. 18 months is not a long time to know what someone is really like. I would urge you to look at the way your DP is behaving over this and take a long, hard look at the kind of person who is emerging through the cracks.

Original poster
feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 13:20

I'm not trying to ignore people's concerns but this is moving fast and some things I can't give more detail on either because I'm trying to be anon or I just don't know!

There was no chance he'd go to Dubai - he has a good and pretty secure job here, he owns a property and has all his friends and family (and me), here - working in a job his DD's stepdad got for him would not be a good move and what if they fired him?

Its not a pso no, it's the mums application he's fighting as he has PR.

I will talk to him! I promise. You all make very good points and I am taking them on board.

OP posts:
dramatrauma · 20/10/2011 13:21

More red flags than a Soviet parade.

screamingbohemian · 20/10/2011 13:22

In situations like this, there has to be some compromise.

The ex has offered two compromises: the DD can come stay for longer periods during holidays, or your DP can move to Dubai (she will even get him a job).

Your DP has offered NO compromises. As you say, he just wants things to stay as they are, whatever the consequences for anyone else.

You do NOT want to be with a man like this. I reckon many of us could tell you some horror stories.

TheOriginalFAB · 20/10/2011 13:22

So thr stepdad doesn't even want to take the girl with them?

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 13:23

huh Fab? Where did you read that?

GypsyMoth · 20/10/2011 13:24

Judges rarely separate siblings. So she's filed a leave to remove from jurisdiction. Does she say what her intentions are with regard to access with dad?

GypsyMoth · 20/10/2011 13:24

Dramatrauma......love itGrin

screamingbohemian · 20/10/2011 13:25

dramatrauma Grin

dramatrauma · 20/10/2011 13:26

Cut out and keep ShroudofHamster's response when you have that talk with him.

Original poster
feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 13:31

I don't want to badmouth the mum as I don't know her, but she hasn't behaved very well.

OP posts:
Quenelle · 20/10/2011 13:31

I agree with JenaiMarr. Your DP is being unreasonable but so would I be if I thought my child was going to be moved to another country, possibly for good. I would be terrified of it happening.

It was probably incredibly hard for him when he and his wife split and he wasn't able to live with his daughter on a day to day basis any more. This is a hundred times worse.

But yes, his behaviour is unreasonable and you have to get things straight with him. You shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting this though.

scotchmeg · 20/10/2011 13:32

Is it possible he still has feelings for his ex and is using this as a way of keeping her in the country..? Just putting it out there.

It doesn't seem to be about the child at all. Else, why would he spend what precious little time he has with her at the moment leaving her with a baby sitter and going out?

Can any of the parents on this board say that if they only had their child with them every other weekend, they would make plans to be somewhere else during that time??

porcamiseria · 20/10/2011 13:33

OP I bet there is NO WAY he will get custody
I cannot imagine that any family lawyer would allow it

I do think he is desperate and this reflected in his behavour, and how he is involving you. He needs for his daughter has overidden all

I am surpised at the slating he has received, if I though my DC were being taken to another country I would fight tooth and nail too. How fucking dare people call him selfish!!!! the sexism again men on here is staggering

But he is not right to say that you will share parenting without consulting you first

Its a big fat fucking mess thats for sure

let the court decide, and you need to have a big think too OP

dramatrauma · 20/10/2011 13:35

Focus, OP, focus. This isn't about the Mum, or the DD, or the court case, or the merits of Dubai. We really don't have enough info to know if he's being unreasonable or not about contact.

But he is being very unreasonable about YOU.

mousyfledermaus · 20/10/2011 13:35

haven't read all of the tread, sorry.
ime situations change all the time, what if the mother had died or an accident so she wasn't able to care for the child which would leave the father, your dp, to care for her.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 20/10/2011 13:37

OP, how do you know the mum "hasn't behaved very well"? From your own observation, or from what your DP says?

diddl · 20/10/2011 13:38

I also doubt he would get custody-why would the girl be taken from her mother to live with her father?

If anything he would stop her going.

Why doesn´t he also look at as much visitation as it would allow and making sure that it would be for no longer than 3yrs?

Original poster
feelinghorrid · 20/10/2011 13:39

They weren't married, he never lived with them. But yes I think I do need to focus on me here. I will ask him - thing is, I am pretty sure that as it is unlikely in real terms that the mum will go, he might not have a full plan if you see what I mean. But it was wrong not to check with me. I do see that.

OP posts:
KatieMortician · 20/10/2011 13:42

He never lived with them and yet he thinks he can just take her from her family?! Shock

I know taking her to Dubai is horrendous and it's miles but honestly, his proposal is much worse. Not to mention the reality of living with a child full time is very different from weekends.

Can he not spend his money on flights instead of legal battles?

youllbewaiting · 20/10/2011 13:43

So some posters here would happily allow their children to go and live thousands of miles away with their ex and new partner with an unenforcable promise of holiday contact and not knowing if they'll ever come back?

Really?

What does the daughter want to do?
I think they should stay in the UK.

ShroudOfHamsters · 20/10/2011 13:48

If you don't know yourself that the mum has 'behaved badly' - then I'm afraid that that's another pretty classic red flag, OP. If it's just your DP that's telling you that - I'd wait for independent verification!

scotchmeg · 20/10/2011 13:49

Hmm, I wouldn't take his word for that either.

mummytime · 20/10/2011 13:50

Okay if he never even lived with the Mother, and has the daughter every other weekend, I think it is unlikely he will get custody. He maybe able to stop the mother going though (maybe not, I'm not sure of how the courts work).

However the fact that he is trying to control his ex in this way is a red flag. Please look very carefully at him, take off the rose tinted glasses. Is this really someone you want to be with long term?

Tryharder · 20/10/2011 13:55

Your DP sounds very selfish and a control freak. He only has his DD every other weekend and yet is proposing to try and stop her from moving with her family (mother, sister and stepfather). Presumably his XW would still permit his DD to visit during holidays etc.

I truly hope that the court sees sense and does not give your DP custody.

And YANBU OP. You are being honest and realistic.