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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I am but Husband does!

128 replies

OatcakeCravings · 19/10/2011 14:03

I'll try to keep this short....

We have been invited to a wedding in two weeks time. For various reasons we didn't know about it until last week when H was invited to the stag party. We are also going to a wedding the following week.

When we got the invite our DS wasn't on it - so we both agreed that we wouldn't go since we don't have a babysitter. However at the stag night my H was told that DS was actually invited. My H said that he would speak to me and let the groom know if we are going or not.

I'm not overly keen on going - not because I don't want to but because it will be expensive and we've had no time to set money aside for it due to not recieving an invite. We have the other wedding the next week plus Xmas is coming up and we aren't rolling in the cash! So I said to H that I still didn't want to go even though DS was invited.

I thought that was the end of it but H brought it up two nights ago saying we needed to discuss if we were going or not. I said that I thought it had been decided that we weren't going and H got a bit huffy about it.

So I thought about it and thought that if we drove to the wedding and back (about 40 mins away) rather than stay in the hotel, we'd save the £100 on the room plus say £50 on drinks. I thought this would be a good compromise as my H isn't a big drinker and often offers to drive much further and back in a day (eg 3 hours each way) to go to family things. I don't drive.

I put this to H and he was not happy to say the least! He kept saying that if he couldn't drink then he wasn't going, his exact words were "you can't expect me to be sober at a wedding" He thinks that I am being totally unreasonable and he has replied saying we aren't going. I honestly thought that if he was that bothered about seeing his friends getting married he wouldn't worry about drinking - so now I'm thinking the main reason he wants to go is to get drunk with his mates.

H is now in a bad mood with me, 2 days now and is barely speaking to me. I'm not that bothered as this is how he projects his anger, hes all very passive agressive and childish! So AIBU??

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 19/10/2011 15:18

But diddl - that will cost as much as if they both went - which OP says can only be afforded is he AND SHE go without pressies at Christmas! A pyrrhic victory at best.

Original poster
OatcakeCravings · 19/10/2011 15:19

Well WhereYouLeftIt I only have a finite amount of money so it has to come from somewhere - so hotel room, present and drinks will come in at around £180 which is much more than we'd spend on eachothers Xmas pressies actually so I'll have to cut down on food bills for the next month as well.

I didn't think that IWBU but since the majority of the posters do I'm happy to take that on board and come up with another solution and someone further up suggested the Xmas pressie bit.

OP posts:
RCToday · 19/10/2011 15:21

Pag has to let this thing with Kate go

Its being going on for too long and its making things difficult for other people now

< Pag Get. A. Grip. Forget. Kate >

HTH

Hullygully · 19/10/2011 15:23

She can't, RC, think of the money.

whackamole · 19/10/2011 15:23

YANBU.

Incidentally, if you are learning to drive, could you not drive back in the evening? So long as he is not paralytic, is over 22 and has been driving for 2 years or more could he not be the 'supervising adult'. You wouldn't be able to drive on motorways but it would be better than the frankly ridiculous idea of staying over just so DH can get pissed. He's already been to the stag do and presumably got rotten at that, at 2 weeks notice I'd say no too.

BTW - you might need to check those details about driving as a learner, they may have changed since I passed a few ten years ago!

kelly2000 · 19/10/2011 15:24

Oatcakes,
Do not go without your christmas presents just so he can get drunk. he sounds like a pasisve aggressive bully if that is how he gets his way. If he agrees thta you go without christmas presents so he can get drunk, he is a mean selfish pig. And if you do go, tell him you are not looking after DS whilst he gets drunk as you want to enjoy yourself too.

If he is so childish that he cannot go to a wedding without getting drunk then why go at all, as he obviously is not bothered about the wedding just wants a chance to get drunk with friends. I think it says a lot about people's attitudes that people are suggesting to save money they skip the gift for the people inviting them to the wedding, but do not mention saving cash by not getting drunk. I would not expect a gift if someone came to my wedding, but I would be hurt if they refused to come unelss they could get drunk. If anythign spoils a wedding it is the drunken "gotta av a drink if ya wanna good time" brigade.

QuickLookBusy · 19/10/2011 15:26

So to recap-

You have had 3 weeks notice for a wedding which will cost £180 to attend
DH has already been on the stag night
You agreed to go if he drove back
He hasn't spoken to you for 2 days because he wants to get pissed again
You agree to forgo a Xmas present and cut down on FOOD so HE can get pissed.

I think your mad to agree to this.
Why don't you repost this in relationships? You will get very different answers there OP

Original poster
OatcakeCravings · 19/10/2011 15:27

wackamole I am learning to drive and can't drive back to ours in the pitch black I'm not confident enough. Also some of the roads will be single track. Also (a lot of alsos) my H won't go out in the car with me after the last time...

OP posts:
RCToday · 19/10/2011 15:27

Yes Hully I suppose you are right

Its a sad situation all round

< Sad sigh >

Hullygully · 19/10/2011 15:28

It really is very very difficult.

Kate will never learn.

But neither will Pag.

They reap what they sow.

RCToday · 19/10/2011 15:31

Indeed Hully Indeed Sad

Although if I had to by a slogan T-Shirt

I would be team Kate

Sorry Pag

RCToday · 19/10/2011 15:32

Shit BUY not by

Hullygully · 19/10/2011 15:33

It would be great if it said:

Team Kate Sorry Pag

TheScaryJessie · 19/10/2011 15:33

You're going to give up Christmas and clip the food budget, for a few hours of binge drinking?

WTF?

TheScaryJessie · 19/10/2011 15:34

A few hours of binge drinking for someone else, even?

Pagwatch · 19/10/2011 15:34

I can't help it.

Late Kate is my mate. It's fate.

We are doomed. Me, Kate and Xmas Kitty.

kelly2000 · 19/10/2011 15:35

Oatcake driving would not solve the problem as since she is a learning her H would have to be sober enough to drive, which is what the problem is, he will not go without drinking until he is drunk.
oatcakes,
Let him sulk, but do not give in. he is being very unreasonable to refuse to attend a wedding unless he can drink until he is drunk especially as it is a wedding where children are present and so lots of people will not be drinking and he will expect you not to drink. By putting you in a situation where you cannot drink because of DS he is admitting that people can be expected to stay sober at a wedding.

RCToday · 19/10/2011 15:36

Pag Listen to Hully

Just say Sorry Kate

Its for the best really

< hugzz >

RCToday · 19/10/2011 15:36

Pag you have gone too far now bring Kitty into this too

< gives up >

Sallykitten · 19/10/2011 15:37

Who is the wedding you are going to the week after? If it's a mate of yours then YABU if you expect to go and spend money and stay over when it's your mate but not when it's his.

Hullygully · 19/10/2011 15:38

Kitty is furious.

You said it was between the two of you and you wouldn't tell Kate.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 19/10/2011 15:38

OP, you obviously cannot afford to go if you are forgoing Christmas presents and cutting down on food bills. That is reason enough not to go. I don't think the issue is your DH drinking or not drinking anymore, you just can't afford it and if he can't see that he is BU. Just tell the couple that given the short notice of the invite you cannot afford to attend. End of story.

worraliberty · 19/10/2011 15:39

The wedding is out in the middle of nowhere so there are no other hotels or anyone we could stay with

Then the chances are the Hotel is going to be fully booked so surely that's not even a choice?

Also, it sounds to me like they've had a few people decline their invites...that's why you and your DH have now suddenly been invited.

If that's the case, ask the Bride and Groom if they have sent any other last minute invites and see if those guests might share a taxi with you.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 19/10/2011 15:40

Sallykitten, OP only found out about wedding invite last week so its a bit unreasonable to have to find £180 in the space of a couple of weeks whereas presumably the other wedding they are going to they have had plenty of notice and have been able to budget for.

Pagwatch · 19/10/2011 15:40

I am just going to apologise to Kate and then leave her and Kitty to it.

But trust me, it's not over.

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