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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I am but Husband does!

128 replies

OatcakeCravings · 19/10/2011 14:03

I'll try to keep this short....

We have been invited to a wedding in two weeks time. For various reasons we didn't know about it until last week when H was invited to the stag party. We are also going to a wedding the following week.

When we got the invite our DS wasn't on it - so we both agreed that we wouldn't go since we don't have a babysitter. However at the stag night my H was told that DS was actually invited. My H said that he would speak to me and let the groom know if we are going or not.

I'm not overly keen on going - not because I don't want to but because it will be expensive and we've had no time to set money aside for it due to not recieving an invite. We have the other wedding the next week plus Xmas is coming up and we aren't rolling in the cash! So I said to H that I still didn't want to go even though DS was invited.

I thought that was the end of it but H brought it up two nights ago saying we needed to discuss if we were going or not. I said that I thought it had been decided that we weren't going and H got a bit huffy about it.

So I thought about it and thought that if we drove to the wedding and back (about 40 mins away) rather than stay in the hotel, we'd save the £100 on the room plus say £50 on drinks. I thought this would be a good compromise as my H isn't a big drinker and often offers to drive much further and back in a day (eg 3 hours each way) to go to family things. I don't drive.

I put this to H and he was not happy to say the least! He kept saying that if he couldn't drink then he wasn't going, his exact words were "you can't expect me to be sober at a wedding" He thinks that I am being totally unreasonable and he has replied saying we aren't going. I honestly thought that if he was that bothered about seeing his friends getting married he wouldn't worry about drinking - so now I'm thinking the main reason he wants to go is to get drunk with his mates.

H is now in a bad mood with me, 2 days now and is barely speaking to me. I'm not that bothered as this is how he projects his anger, hes all very passive agressive and childish! So AIBU??

OP posts:
frutilla · 19/10/2011 14:38

100 quid sounds like a lot for a room, is there no one near you could stay with or a local pub that has cheaper rooms?

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 19/10/2011 14:38

I think YANBU and you DH is being childish. He can still have a good time without having a drink and I really think you should go and he should drive. I imagine some other people will be driving so doubt he's going to be only sober person there.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 19/10/2011 14:38

That Late Kate - she's a right troublemaker.

Whatever the ins & outs of it all - your DH is BU to be acting like a child over it.

dexter73 · 19/10/2011 14:39

Tbh most of the weddings I've been to, you have to be drunk or else you would die of boredom!

Ephiny · 19/10/2011 14:39

He sounds unreasonable to me, but then I don't understand the obsession with alcohol so many people seem to have. Surely there are plenty of other opportunities to have an alcoholic drink (presumably he can drink as much as he wants at the stag do?), what on earth is the problem with going one day without drinking, especially if the alternative is missing your friends' wedding entirely.

I couldn't be doing with a grown man sulking for days over something like this either, that's ridiculous.

DoMeDon · 19/10/2011 14:40

You offered to stay sober together!?! How is that a solution? That just means both of you will be sober - doesn;t make the party more fun or him feel better about not being allowed to drink.

HairyBeaver · 19/10/2011 14:45

Are you insured on his car? You can drive there and back then

dexter73 · 19/10/2011 14:47

She can't drive HairyBeaver.

TandB · 19/10/2011 14:48

So as I understand it....

You were invited only 3 weeks ago and both agreed not to go because of babysitting issues.
Babysitting issue was resolved but you decided not to go anyway because of the cost
Your husband has decided he does want to go after all but only if he can drink.

YADNBU.

He was perfectly content not to go when your DS wasn't invited.
He didn't indicate that he wanted to go when cost was discussed.
He has now changed his mind and expects you to agree to spend money that you can't afford, and presumably stay sober yourself to look after DS, so that he can go to a wedding he clearly wasn't that fussed about in the first place and get drunk.

He wasn't going to be going along and drinking when your DS is invited so presumably going at all is a plus? Unless for him the sole purpose of a wedding is to drink.

Carrotsandcelery · 19/10/2011 14:48

How old is your ds? I would say if you are taking your ds, and he is young, then one of you would need to be sober anyway.

We usually take turns according to who is closest to the couple getting married - unless the dcs are not invited and we get to stay in a hotel. Then it is a totally different story Grin

Poor oatcake getting harrassed for not being able to drive though. Good luck learning oatcake.

blackeyedsusan · 19/10/2011 14:52

how much do you spend on h's christmas presents? perhaps staying at the hotel would be his early christmas present?

good luck with the driving. you are lucky to be able to afford that, some people seem to have forgotten the cost of lessons.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 19/10/2011 14:54

I'm guessing if they are looking at £50-odd for drinks it's not just a glass of wine with the meal, is it? Hardly po-faced to be a bit Hmm that he feels he can't go and have a good time at a wedding without spending a hefty lot on alcohol.

kelly2000 · 19/10/2011 14:54

Hairy, She is a learner so could only driver if a sober driver was with her. Either way DH would have to go without alcohol which he is refusing to do.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 19/10/2011 14:58

OP, are you invited for the whole wedding or just the evening do? If just evening do I wouldn't bother. But if whole day then I would find babysitter for DS and both you and DH go and enjoy yourself. Also, you do not have to buy the couple an expensive present, buy new outfits etc. If they are good friends they will just want your company and will appreciate the fact everyone is paying to stay in a hotel etc.

I think your DH is BU for sulking but I think he is not BU to want to have a few drinks with friends - and that does not mean he can't go a day without a drink - it just means that weddings tend to be a one off occasion when friends get together and have a few drinks and a good time.

Xnedra · 19/10/2011 15:02

Even at just invited for an evening reception if my choice was (due to budget a) buy a present for the couple or b) drink lots I know wher my priorities would be.

Original poster
OatcakeCravings · 19/10/2011 15:02

Right for those of you going on about my lack of driving - feck right off Grin

The only way we can pay for this is for me to take the money out of the Xmas kitty, and I won't be able to replace it either. So I am going to phone my H (am missing out the D bit as his sulking is pissing me off) and suggest that we (note thats both of us) go without Xmas presents to pay for it.

The only thing that annoys me about this is that yet again his passive agressive bad moods have meant that he has got his 'way' iyswim.

I didn't realise how important alcohol at a wedding was until everyone here gave me the heads up!!

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 19/10/2011 15:04

dexter "she can't drive HairyBeaver"
That made me chuckle.

YANBU Why hasn't he spoken to you for 2 days? I can't stand a sulker.

If you can't afford a room or a taxi, the only solution is for him to drive. The DH has also been to the Stag do so he has already had a piss up night out with his friends.

Hullygully · 19/10/2011 15:05

Made me laugh too

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 19/10/2011 15:08

Sulking for 2 days... there's no way on gods little earth I'd be ringing him offering to take money out of the christmas fund. Let him get on with his sulking - if it was that important for him to go, he'd be coming up with alternative suggestions.

QuickLookBusy · 19/10/2011 15:08

X-posted sorry.

Well done for coming up with a grown up solution.

But you are right about him getting his own way. Will you enjoy the wedding? if so go and make that suggestion. If not, I wouldn't give up my christmas present to watch H getting drunk while you watch your DS.

Original poster
OatcakeCravings · 19/10/2011 15:10

QuickLookBusy I thought I had come up with a grown up solution with the driving. No I'll be looking after my toddler while my hubby gets pissed then I'll be going up to the room when said toddler needs to go to bed at I'd say 9pm at the very latest.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/10/2011 15:11

If he can´t not drink at a wedding, sounds as if you are better off not going!

QuickLookBusy · 19/10/2011 15:12

Yes, you have come up with two grown up solutions Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/10/2011 15:14

Why should you go without a Christmas present because he's a big sulky girl's blouse?

diddl · 19/10/2011 15:14

I´d let him go alone-sulking bore!