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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ... to want to keep SIL at arm's length?

106 replies

Bobbymac · 17/10/2011 23:54

I'm 51 and live in Durham with DH of 20 years and DD (11). SIL (45) and MIL live in London.

For 20 years, SIL has been dismissive and rather offhand with me (which I've ignored), and recently told me she has loathed me since the first day she met me.

From the outset, DH made it clear his sis has emotional problems (big history) and is very self-absorbed. Families are what they are, so I made a big effort with her. Then both SIL and MIL reacted badly to my longed-for PG, with MIL saying that through my relationship with DH, I'd split up her family (she reeled off a list of complaints from SIL about my character). Since then, to appease MIL, I have considered everything with "allowances for SIL" in mind - I've cut her a lot of slack, been supportive in her crises and bent over backwards to make her feel included (even took her on hols with us). I've been sympathetic through the moods, mystery illnesses and accidents (usually occurring when she can't deal with things or can't get what she wants). I have turned a blind eye to her and MIL's manipulations and at times have put SIL's needs above DD's! MIL will do anything to keep her happy and has always expected me to do likewise. I wish I'd taken a firmer line because now, after years of it, I feel like a doormat to a petulant child:

Since we moved from London, SIL refuses all invitations to visit us (we have to go to her), and then, because we can't visit often, she and MIL imply that we marginalise her. She has been increasingly rude to me, seems to delight in undermining my authority in front of DD (and steering DD to do likewise) and acts with total disrespect to DH and myself. It's like a game she plays. She was recently very OTT affectionate with DD, making out she has been cruelly separated from her "special girl" - and yet in the 7 years we lived in London, didn't once offer to read her a story or take DD out (it used to be as if DD was her rival for MIL's attentions).

During a recent abusive tirade, she railed at me aggressively, mocking my role as DD's mother, then suddenly changed tack, ran for DD and sobbed hysterically on her shoulder (as if I'd upset her!) I had to just sit there and take her personal insults, for fear of upsetting MIL and the whole apple cart. (She was a b*h and knows she can get away with it in front of her family). I managed to placate her but now the dust has settled, I've decided I don't want to see her again for a long time - I feel too demoralised.

The thing is, she is hinting that she intends to be DD's mentor and confidante . She seems to think this is her right, irrespective of what us parents think. (She has told DD that when she gets sick of her mother, SIL will be there for her). She also insisted on taking DD's mobile number and has been sending her intensely "chummy" texts.

I feel sorry that she has no kids, but I just don't trust her to act maturely with DD.

Obviously, there's alot to this, but for starters, AIBU to want to keep SIL at arm's length from DD and keep our visits to London to a minimum? (DH is fine with this). Do I lay down boundaries/ground rules? And what do I tell DD (who is totally beguiled with SIL)?

OP posts:
dramatrauma · 18/10/2011 00:01

You don't like her. You don't trust her. You don't live anywhere near her. She is rude and dismissive and undermining to you. And your DH - her actual relative - doesn't mind if you cut contact.

This seems like a no-brainer to me.

Your DD is old enough to hear your side of the SIL story.

Birdsgottafly · 18/10/2011 00:01

If your DH has been fine for you to distance yopurself, then why have you been pandering to her?

She obviously has MH problems and you should be protecting your DD, not allowing SIL's game planing to involve her.

You don't need to be one big happy family, stop trying, it isn't going to happen.

Mermaidspam · 18/10/2011 00:03

Why on earth have you put up with this for so long? And, why would you put your SIL's feelings first, before your's or your dd's?

You need to cut her out of your life. Give her a choice first, if you wish (Stop this or we'll never see you again, kind of thing). But she is toxic, and more than likely will always be toxic (she sounds a lot like my mother), so get rid before more harm is caused.

Birdsgottafly · 18/10/2011 00:03

BTW you shouldn't allow anyone to disrespect you in front of your child, you need to examine why you did that.

AlfalfaMum · 18/10/2011 00:04

YABU, at all.

It sounds like you've been too very tolerant to date. She is totally toxic, and I'd also be inclined to see as little of her as possible.
Re. your dd, I think you should be completely honest with her, explain that sil has always been unpleasant to you and is unstable, and you don't want sil influencing her in any way. Is there any way you can change dd'sphone number, then tell sil she lost/broke her phone?

SageMist · 18/10/2011 00:05

Life's too short. Shred her.

dramatrauma · 18/10/2011 00:07

I also think you should examine why you're asking if YABU about this, when you very very clearly are not BU. Who are you trying to impress by maintaining contact with this woman?

LineRunner · 18/10/2011 00:12

I feel for you, OP, but you are going to have to be a lot more assertive here.

Your DH doesn't have a problem with that, you say. Well, does he, though? I'm not getting his role in all this. He, as well as you, should have put a stop to all this crap ages ago. Is that why you moved away? To do it 'gently'?

Birdsgottafly asks a good question about a question you need to ask yourself. Are you frightened of upsetting people? Your DH's family? Don't be. If you know that you are being reasonable, then you are entitled to protect yourself and your relationship with your child from anyone who disrespects you.

Be strong, OK? Smile

sue52 · 18/10/2011 00:16

You have allowed to get away wit this for 20 years. It's time to call a halt now as you can see sil will harm your relationship with your DD.

Matronalia · 18/10/2011 00:24

She is abusive and aggressive in front of your child and is emotionally manipulating her against you. Your DH is happy for you to cut the ties, you live far enough away that she cannot do anything. You owe her nothing.

However you owe your DD a life without this woman in it, she is not a healthy person to be around and will cause/is causing issues in your relationship with your daughter. Weeping on her shoulder. Undermining your authority. Insulting you in front of her. These are things she shouldnt have to see or experience. You should be protecting her from this. Sod the SIL and MIL.

There is no obligation to keep contact with people like this, family or not.

My aunt did this periodically, swan in with expensive presents, chuckle chuckle your mother is so boring, come and do things with fun aunt. When I went to stay with her at 15 she upped the ante by trying to turn me against my mother. At 15 I was old enough to realise she was wrong but it messed me up a lot. I cut her out after my wedding when she was beyond vile, but I wish my mother had done it for me so I didnt have to go through all that.

sunnydelight · 18/10/2011 06:28

She sounds like someone who causes you nothing but grief, you have obviously let the situation go on for far too long in order to keep the peace but really now she wants to involve your daughter you need to make a stand.

Explain the history briefly to DD. Get her to change her phone number so your SIL can't make contact with her without going through you. Then stop attending events that involve your SIL - trust me, shedding toxic family members is intensely liberating!

runningwilde · 18/10/2011 06:44

Good God woman why are you letting this bitch bully you and why why why are you allowing her to manipulate your daughter?! Change your daughters mobile number NOW so she doesn't have the new number, tell your pathetic mil and sil that you will NOT be bullied ever again and that your daughter is not a pawn for their insecurities. Keep your daughter AWAY from this woman before she damages her even further. Why have you let her toxic behaviour infiltrate you and your DD? Dont expose your daughter to her again!

Megatron · 18/10/2011 07:01

YANBU. You are an adult and should tell this woman exactly what you think and leave her to it. Be prepared to deal with the inevitable fallout from MIL but that's another relationship you may have to examine. My main concern here would be keeping such toxic people away from your DD. It's potentially very harmful to have this woman in her life and I just would't allow it, would be a no brainer for me.

Bledkr · 18/10/2011 07:05

Yes,cut contact all together and thrwo a party to celebrate.Speak to dd ahonestly about why you have chosen to do this. Just because people are family you do not have to put up with bad behaviour which upsets you and/or your child. Dont give it a second thought,you have the support of dh so free yourself and enjoy.

PorkChopSter · 18/10/2011 07:18

If you can't handle the situation without feeling uncomfortable at 51, how do you think your 11 year old feels? What does she do with these odd texts and what was her reaction when your SIL sobbed on her shoulder?
I'd disengage your DD from her claws asap.

NinkyNonker · 18/10/2011 07:34

Change your daughter's mobile number and screen her from your home number. Then get on with your lives with your heads held high.

screamqueenrollo · 18/10/2011 07:37

you need to cut them out of your lives.

i have a slightly different perspective on this. I have toxic family. I did not grow up with them in my lives, i met them when i was an adult and able to deal with them. My cousins who had the misfortune to grow up immersed in the toxic atmosphere are all really suffering the consequences.

I felt anger towards my mother for keeping them out of my life - until i met and got to know them. My mother may have got a lot of things wrong in my upbringing but that wasn't one of them.

GalloweesG · 18/10/2011 07:44

What's your DH's take on all this? They're his family, he needs to shoulder the responsibility for protecting his daughter and wife from this dreadful woman and her ineffectual, manipulative Mother.

slavetofilofax · 18/10/2011 07:56

YABU to have allowed this woman to be part of your life for so long, and even more unreasonable to have allowed her to put herself on your child like that.

Cut her out! Don't visit her, don't invite her, and if she bitches to MIL, so what? Does it really matter if your own family is happy?

She sounds like the sort of person that could be quite damaging to a childs emotional health - keep your child away from her and deal with he consequenses. It's your job to protect your dd from fruitloops like her.

PhilipJFry · 18/10/2011 08:04

If I was you I'd change your daughter's phone number, even if you have to bribe her with a new phone for her to agree to it.

KreepyInMind · 18/10/2011 08:11

Your SIL is clearly a mental, nasty, manipulative, vile bitch.
If I were in your situation I would cut her out of your life, and at 11 your DD should be old enough for you to have a frank talk with her and explain that her aunt is nuts and you will be having no contact with her.
Change your DDs phone and do not let your SIL/MIL have the number and make sure your DD does not have theirs either

vixsatis · 18/10/2011 08:15

YANBU. Moreover, she is potentially such a bad influence for your DD that you MUST distance yourself and your daughter from her

Groovee · 18/10/2011 08:16

I cut a very similar vile SIL out of our lives too. When a grown up is jealous of a child the child has a right to be protected.

addictediam · 18/10/2011 08:24

Are we related? I'm at the very beginning of this (dd is 11mo) and am seriously considering telling her where to stick her 'I'm better than mummy, I will always love you even when your naughty and mummys cross with you comments' but for the sake of mil I put up with it!

So Yanbu, cut ties, keep her away from your dd and ignore the fall out.

deardear · 18/10/2011 09:15

Sounds the same as mine! When she started saying i didnt work hard enough and my house was like a squat i blocked her on fb and she went mad. Youngest dd wont have anything to do with her but elder dd is still in contact but only when SIL wants to know information - ie is your mum pregnant? She lives close to us but i have banned her from our house and banned elder dd from seeing her.

She doesnt understand we have to work to pay bills - she married a man with his own house who passed away then married again and new hubby sold his house to move in with her so no money worries whatsoever. We had the expensive presents, regular cash given to kids and then it virtually stopped overnight which i was glad about! Its not about showering tgem with gifts or money - its about spending quality time with them which she never really did

you are doing the right thing cutti g her out but be careful how Dd takes it as she could turn against you at that age