AIBU ... to want to keep SIL at arm's length?

[Bobbymac]

I'm 51 and live in Durham with DH of 20 years and DD (11). SIL (45) and MIL live in London.

For 20 years, SIL has been dismissive and rather offhand with me (which I've ignored), and recently told me she has loathed me since the first day she met me.

From the outset, DH made it clear his sis has emotional problems (big history) and is very self-absorbed. Families are what they are, so I made a big effort with her. Then both SIL and MIL reacted badly to my longed-for PG, with MIL saying that through my relationship with DH, I'd split up her family (she reeled off a list of complaints from SIL about my character). Since then, to appease MIL, I have considered everything with "allowances for SIL" in mind - I've cut her a lot of slack, been supportive in her crises and bent over backwards to make her feel included (even took her on hols with us). I've been sympathetic through the moods, mystery illnesses and accidents (usually occurring when she can't deal with things or can't get what she wants). I have turned a blind eye to her and MIL's manipulations and at times have put SIL's needs above DD's! MIL will do anything to keep her happy and has always expected me to do likewise. I wish I'd taken a firmer line because now, after years of it, I feel like a doormat to a petulant child:

Since we moved from London, SIL refuses all invitations to visit us (we have to go to her), and then, because we can't visit often, she and MIL imply that we marginalise her. She has been increasingly rude to me, seems to delight in undermining my authority in front of DD (and steering DD to do likewise) and acts with total disrespect to DH and myself. It's like a game she plays. She was recently very OTT affectionate with DD, making out she has been cruelly separated from her "special girl" - and yet in the 7 years we lived in London, didn't once offer to read her a story or take DD out (it used to be as if DD was her rival for MIL's attentions).

During a recent abusive tirade, she railed at me aggressively, mocking my role as DD's mother, then suddenly changed tack, ran for DD and sobbed hysterically on her shoulder (as if I'd upset her!) I had to just sit there and take her personal insults, for fear of upsetting MIL and the whole apple cart. (She was a b*h and knows she can get away with it in front of her family). I managed to placate her but now the dust has settled, I've decided I don't want to see her again for a long time - I feel too demoralised.

The thing is, she is hinting that she intends to be DD's mentor and confidante . She seems to think this is her right, irrespective of what us parents think. (She has told DD that when she gets sick of her mother, SIL will be there for her). She also insisted on taking DD's mobile number and has been sending her intensely "chummy" texts.

I feel sorry that she has no kids, but I just don't trust her to act maturely with DD.

Obviously, there's alot to this, but for starters, AIBU to want to keep SIL at arm's length from DD and keep our visits to London to a minimum? (DH is fine with this). Do I lay down boundaries/ground rules? And what do I tell DD (who is totally beguiled with SIL)?

I have a neurotic sister who could cause trouble in a vacuum tbh. Every single family event she turns into a slanging match/bunfight - even funerals. She has a persecution complex and although she wont lift a finger to help in any family situation she will then scream (usually at me !) about being left out . Its very sad but have tried for years to be friendly with her on the basis 'she is my sister after all' but every time it descends into the same scene. So now l have cut all ties - l am civil when l bump into her but that is it. No conversation anything else - l wont even put one toe back in the water - just civil and thats it. Any important family stuff re our elderly parents for example l communicate through her DH - his idea not mine. Sometimes we have to admit defeat sadly even when its family - or you just cause yourself endless angst and stress. You can only try so hard and for so long to have a normal relationship with anyone IMO.

I feel SIL would happily drive a wedge between me and DD (with whom I have a very good relationship).

Without exception all her relationships have been with married men who, in the end, won't leave their wives/kids for her - i think deep down, she is bitter. During her last tirade (in Summer), she scoffed at my role as DD's mother.

I agree with those saying send them back. They are totally inappropriate presents given what has been going on.

Don't hide the presents away as SIL will think her DN has received them and "owes" her.

Her lack of respect for your role is jealousy. She outwardly despises what she can't have. Inside she longs to be in your place.

Keep away from SIL for your sanity and for the protection of DD.

If MIL says anything I recommend staying v calm and listing a few of the things you have done to try abd include her and what SILs response was. eg we have invited her her on x occasions, but each time she chose not to come. Sometimes people dont see the effort you have made but when you point it out calmly they somwtimes take it on board.

You first duty is to protect your DD so I would put as much distance as possible between your family and your emotionally destructive in laws. 11 is far too young to be able to understand your SIL's power games and I would not let her near your young daughter. Your SIL will just use DD as a pawn in the game only she knows the rules to. Bin or return the bracelet.