OK Boarding School - this will make me Mrs Unpopular

[MsTownmouse]

AIBU for having sent my DS to boarding school. I have thought it through & I do love him & think it is the right thing

Just interested as a lot of people think that Boarding School and loving your child are mutually exclusive

pip pip

My SBs boarded from age 6 at choir schools. They were both violently sexually abused by masters, older boys and senior choristers for years so I'm not well disposed to boarding schools in general.

queenofthedead - yes, but I'd rather curtail the time all four of us spent together than the time my kids spent at home and with at least one parent, but in that situation I don't suppose there is an 'ideal', is there?

redhead, this is why I don't know if I'm being naive, because as far as I can see, you wouldn't incurr extra costs for living apart if the dh was off doing military stuff?

I guess because part of the 'pay' is in the form of housing so to then pay for somewhere to live on top of that again costs

I'm not so sure about lack of emotional support. My ds had a moment in a club recently where another boy decided to change the rules. My ds is neither good with change nor rule breaking. He had a bit of a flip out and ran off. One of the matrons spent the next two hours walking around the school grounds with him talking and they agreed that the story to eveyone else would be that he didn't feel very well. Once he was settle and back in class she rang me to let me know and told me all the things they had talked about. They seem to have a bond now and he adores her. I couldn't have asked for more and he certainly never got that level of care at his old school. Admittedly he isn't a boarder but it is a boarding school and she is one of the house matrons so I would have assumed a boarder would have had equal consideration.

True... I was probably thinking more of the bloke being sent off to places.

Anyway. I'd rather mine had the continuity of a parent, albeit with some school changes, than the continuity of a school. As I said though, neither is ideal.

One of the women in the "Can Any Mother Help Me" book (fab, btw) sent their almost four year old away to boarding school!! A toddler! And I thought the 40s/50s were when the whole dynamic starting shifting re: parenting ideals, cushioning kids etc.

I think thats one of the bits I cried at quirrel

Elaine- If a bloke is sent to for example, Germany for a year or two then the housing that is supplied would be in Germany.

Everyone has their reasons and their priorities. I wouldn't use boarding school as I thought being there physically for DS and at the end of a phone for DH during the week would work better for us - I believe that my relationship with DH is strong enough to cope with the separation and want to be there for DS to come home and talk to. Others will disagree and think that an expensive private education is more important than family ties, others will think that boarding school had no impact on family ties or can improve them. To each their own, but don't expect a definitive answer as every parent and every child is different.

Elaine- that's what we have done for almost 10 years and works well for us. We have roots in one place, I am able to pursue my career, DS is settled in terms of education and DH has the ability to meet his military commitments, whilst getting home as much as possible. He doesn't pay accommodation costs during the week and has some help towards the travel costs. Whilst we are financially penalised a little in terms of travel it is much less than the boarding school contributions would be and is definitely worth it.

I know people use the short term times/long hols/exeats as an argument in favour of boarding school but that still seems a long time to let someone else do the parenting role to me.

I think it is wrong and all my adult friends without exception inc my dp hated it and say it had a lasting effect. I also think purely from observing a few that adults who have been to BS have a strange relationship with their parents. They seem to have a stilted distant way of communicating with each other. If my ds had a particular skill/talent at about 14/15 which needed a specialist BS and he literally begged me I may consider it but otherwise I really think its strange to have children and not live with them and educate them at home in areas where school is not appropriate

I think it's a very simplistic view to take that forces families choose boarding school because the parents would rather be together than be with their children, it's often so much more complicated than that.

I'm glad to hear it can work out, Penguin! The whole moving around and putting them in boarding school thing does rather neglect to take into account any career the wife might have, doesn't it!

My ds is in a boarding school as a day pupil. It's a wonderful place. He would love to board. If I could afford it I'd probably go for it. Of course I would miss him but it's not about me. I never thought I'd say that but after seeing how it works there and it does work, I think if it suits you, it would be a wonderful experience.

Personally I have to wonder why people have children to pack them off to boarding school when they are young, or really whatever age.

I had my children so I could raise them myself so I could teach them about life, instill manners, respect. Not so I could when it suited me fuck them off to boarding school becuase I was to busy to be a parent.

what absolute rot fc.parents come from a range of jobs and different circumstances and that includes parents who use boarding school. i understand the boarding school model must give a stability and order that a child wont get moving around. for military and govt oversea postings it works

use of boarding school doesnt render anyone bad parent or needing to answer the why have children

and conversely

a bundle of kids velcroed to a home educating mum doesnt equate to stronger attachment

Weighing in as another Army wife here...

We're doing the commuting thing here. Our children are 5, 3 and 1 and we bought a house and moved off-patch when the eldest was born. For the first year, my husband worked nearby and came home nearly every night. For the next two years he commuted to a nearby city and came home/stayed in the Mess about 50/50 of the time. For the last two years, he has worked in London and makes it home for a weekend every two to three weeks. It works for us at the moment but I don't think it's sustainable long-term and, depending on what my husband does in the next few years, we're considering a move back into quarters. I think the disruption in education would be fine while they are in primary education but we would consider boarding school when they reach secondary age.

The short answer to all those non-military types on here is that there is no easy one-size-fits-all way to achieve a good family life when you have one (or sometimes two!) spouses who serve. You shift about with the vagaries of the system (we had eight houses in our first six years of marriage and if we'd continues to be mobile would be on our eleventh house in as many years by now) and disrupt their education and friendships or you stay in one place and have a long-distance marriage. Each family makes up their own mind about what will suits their circumstances and there is no right or wrong answer.

Every time BS threads crop up, there are usually one or two people who mention that they have chosen to board their children because of military service and it always descends into non-military people telling us who "wrong" it is, even where it has no bearing on the original OP. Those, like me, with a military context are simply trying to explain that there may be some circumstances where it is the right thing to do for ones family and children.

"pip pip"

onk onk?

my Dd (13yrs) is out every night dancing - I hardly see her. She wants to go to a vocational ballet school (boarding) and is envious of the friends she has who are already there. I feel it would be the right choice - if she can get a scholarship place, as we can't afford full fees.

I would miss her, but I need to put her need above my own need. We'll see - she might not even get through the first audition!

vixstais - thanks for explaining it! Does make a difference, my cousin only saw his parents in the summer as they were abroad.

my brother in law boarded from he was eleven- hated it, went home every weekend, but it was the only way he could get into a grammar school as he failed the eleven plus.

Another good male friend also boarded, same reason, and he loved it- but he has a a very different personality, is one of five, and a lot more resilient. I think it depends on the child.

OP, children are very flexible as long as they stay inside their comfort zone. It follows that with enough notice you can stretch these comfort zones.

Anyone who is considering boarding should introduce the idea in a matter of fact sort of way (definitely NOT a romantic way, as this will make the almost inevitable initial homesickness very hard to overcome) a couple of years before. DCs may not be utterly thrilled at the idea, but will be quite stoic in understanding that it is another manifestation of that weird parental love thing ... [hsmile]