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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OK Boarding School - this will make me Mrs Unpopular

183 replies

MsTownmouse · 16/10/2011 21:49

AIBU for having sent my DS to boarding school. I have thought it through & I do love him & think it is the right thing

Just interested as a lot of people think that Boarding School and loving your child are mutually exclusive

pip pip

OP posts:
oohlaalaa · 17/10/2011 09:35

I have two friends who went to boarding school from 9 onwards, and they both have issues with it.

I have another friend who started boarding at 14, and loved the experience.

I have a friend who's parents worked in the middle east, and went to boarding school at 11, and she enjoyed the experience, but had difficulties missing parents and home for first few years. She realised that it was not rejection but for a good education. This friend said she always had her parents phoning every other day, sending food parcels and goodies over, her mum flew over to see her regularly, and whenever she was upset over something, her mum would get straight on the phone to her parents, brother or sister, and she'd be off to stay with her aunt / uncle cousins or grandparents etc. for the weekend.

We need details of the situation.

sausagesandmarmelade · 17/10/2011 09:53

of course YANBU

I went to boarding school and loved it (though the first couple of terms were difficult).

Make sure he's happy there...and not being bullied or anything. If he gets really homesick you may have to have a re-think!

Rollon2012 · 17/10/2011 10:07

Ok thanks fro rectifying, I suppose in that situation

mrskeithlemon · 17/10/2011 10:17

my dad was sent to boarding school after his mother died at age 7.

It has affected him greatly, and he has never recovered from the sense of abandonment. He struggles to have relationships with anybody.

If you are asking for an honest opinion, I think YABU. It begs the question why have children if you are not going to raise them, even if only during term time

Proudnscary · 17/10/2011 10:22

No shagmund, but I will read that link and I read your post with interest. I'm sorry you found it a distressing experience, it makes me feel very upset thinking of you being sick with fear during the night.

Maryz · 17/10/2011 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WilsonFrickett · 17/10/2011 10:29

Certainly there's no sign of the OP Maryz Hmm

aquashiv · 17/10/2011 10:34

I couldn't it would make my life a hell of alot easier but I would hate to think that they didnt have someone to kiss them good night and tell them I love them every day.

tralalala · 17/10/2011 10:38

Your choice, Never in a million years would I do it with my kids. Screwed up my cousin and my dad. My dad recalls crying in his pillow as silently as possible so no one laughed at him every night for about 6 months. he then got used to it (or basically became a bit of an emotional stone as he is now)

Mind you my other cousin loved it.

but my kids are growing up quite fast enough without seeing them everyday.

tralalala · 17/10/2011 10:38

vixtasi - out of interest why is he home 6 months of the year? How does that work?

PanicMode · 17/10/2011 10:44

This is always a totally polarising question and I never know if it's a thread that's started purely to see a bunfight ensue.

I went to boarding school and loved it, as did my brother. Friends of mine at school struggled to adjust to boarding, but all of us recognise that we had a first class education. My SIL went to a very smart school and STILL resents my PIL because she never had the trappings that the other girls all had - a pony of her own, enormous house with pool, tennis court, holidays 3 times a year etc.

As long as you have chosen a boarding school that suits your individual child, and not just 'boarding school' per se, then I would say YANBU.

Animation · 17/10/2011 10:49

"Never in a million years would I do it with my kids. Screwed up my cousin and my dad. My dad recalls crying in his pillow as silently as possible so no one laughed at him every night for about 6 months. he then got used to it (or basically became a bit of an emotional stone as he is now)"

Screwd up my DH emotionally. He can slip back into the "emotional stone" state.

RalphGhoul · 17/10/2011 10:59

If my DS wanted to go, if I felt it would give him a good education and a better chance to enrich his life and if he knew he could always come home if he didn't like it then I would have no problem sending him. (If i could afford it obv. Which I can't.)

Unfortunately there are and always will be parents who pack their children off to boarding school to escape their parental duties, who ignore the fact their child is desperately unhappy and this is very sad and has long term consequences as shown by Animation above.

That's just speaking from what I know (which admittedly probably isn't much).
So, OP, if you and your child are happy with the situation then of course YANBU.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 17/10/2011 11:15

Didnt anyone else get threatened with it on a regular basis?

My mum and dad used to yell it at us in times of stress.

It terrified us even though we loved Mallory Towers etc.

As if my parents could have afforded to send three kids to boarding school Grin

WilsonFrickett · 17/10/2011 11:32

Got threatened with it once MrsDV. Went straight upstairs and started packing, which I think took the sting out of the threat a tiny bit. I blame Enid Blyton, myself. (And as if my parents could afford it either! I think that was part of it - I suddenly thought they had untold wealth and I might get a pony an all!)

attheendoftheday · 17/10/2011 11:34

I struggle with the idea of boarding school. I live in a rural area and the provision for secondary school is a fully funded place boarding weekly at the closest school about an hour and a half away. My DD is still small, so it's not an issue for us yet, but I have really split feelings. I wouldn't normally consider boarding, but the other option is a major move away from friends, jobs etc. I think at 13 DD may well want to board with her friends, but I'd hate to be without her.

TheQueenOfDeDead · 17/10/2011 11:43

It's not really a case of husband v kids though.

DC's tend to spend about 30 weeks per year in school. That means if kids board and "return" to parents during holidays they are together as a family 20 weeks of the year.

Jobs (and I don't know about forces - I am coming at this from postion of an expat who may one day consider boarding school to ensure continuity of education) give 5 or 6 weeks annual leave. That means if dad returns home during a/l they are together as a family for a fraction of the time that they would have if the first option was used.

vixsatis · 17/10/2011 11:46

tralala

nine weeks summer hols
4-5 weeks at Christmas
4 weeks at easter
3 week long half terms

Each term about three exeat weekends with Thurs/Fri or Fri/Mon off

so overall about 24 weeks a year "off"- not quite six months but a decent proportion of the year; and most other Sundays we can take him out to lunch.

I really don't get the stuff about having to supress emotion. From what I see, they are encouraged to be busy and not to mope; but whenever someone is really unhappy crying is perfectly allowed and all the other boys rally round to cheer the sad person up. When he's at home he is also incredibly affectionate. As ten year-old boys go, they seem very emotionally literate to me.

Lots of teddies (even the older ones) and endless opportunities to do the sort of stuff which little boys like doing (messing around in the woods, kicking a ball around, comparing conkers etc.)

Flamingredhead · 17/10/2011 11:56

I wish I had moving schools a lot was not an issue when younger but by time hit 11/12 it was hard work moving loosing friends and resettling let alone disruption in Education .Military child till age 9 and then my dads job involved moving a lot

In the end moving made me a loner as never ever really put down roots anywhere and im still quite a loner now i struggle with friendships

Flamingredhead · 17/10/2011 11:57

oh and thats i wish I had gone to boarding school .

ElaineReese · 17/10/2011 12:19

If my dp was military, I think I'd just live in a house with my kids and he could just be home when he was home.... still not ideal but they could have one parent and one school, without the need to board.

Is that simplistic?

TheQueenOfDeDead · 17/10/2011 12:24

Elaine not simplisitc but it would curtail the time you spent as a family.

Amiable · 17/10/2011 12:37

I was at boarding school from age 10. Dad was a senior officer in the RAF, and due to all the moving (including a stint abroad) it was my ninth school. I was never at any one school for more than a year, and the shortest I went to one school was 6 weeks. My parents did not "ship me off", they thought long and hard about the pros and cons, and did a lot of research to find a co-ed school so both me and my brother could go to the same one. my brother was 8 when we went. I was there until I finished my A levels (7 yrs) and DB was there for 10 years. During that 10 years my parents moved another 7 times -can you imagine how disrupted our education would have been - different curriculums, exam boards etc etc?

Of course it is not the same as being with your parents, but we had "house mothers" who were non-academic staff we could go to with our personal problems (although how many teenagers go to their parents with their problems?!), we built up very strong friendships that last til today (I'm now 41) despite all of us now living all over the country, and abroad. I got good qualifications and have an excellent relationship with my parents - when I talk about it to friends who lived with their parents during the teenage years, this is something they often comment on.

I think the key thing to remember is not to lump all boarding schools together, in just the same way as you would not expect to lump all state run schools together. There are strict ones, not so strict ones, ones which would suit a sporty child, an academic child etc. It is not a decision to take lightly, but can be the right decision based on the circumstances. I don't foresee that my kids will go, but then I have a very different lifestyle to my parents - I certainly do not exclude the possibility out of hand should the situation change.

It is always a controversial subject - will be following this thread with interest!

Flamingredhead · 17/10/2011 12:53

Elaine

What happens when you can not Ashford that option .Then again once my dad left the armed forces his job still meant moving around a lot .They could not afford to live apart even with my mum working so was always new schools .so i became a loner and still am

But im adamant that my kids education will not be disrupted by changing schools a lot .So can understand why for some people the best option for their dc is boarding school and no mine do not board because am fortunate that we do not need to move

TestAnswers · 17/10/2011 13:06

YANBU

Assuming that you have chosen it because it is the right thing for your child and your child wanted to go. I would chose it for my child if I considered it to be the education/environment that would suit them best. It is ludicrous to make sweeping judgements about all children at all boarding schools. Several of my friends/aquaintances have children in boarding schools and I can assure you that I have never felt this was in any way related to how much they love their child. We can only do the best with the resources (local good schools, finances etc) we have available to us. The choice for our eldest DS at the moment is outstanding state comprehensive, local very average private school, long commute to good private school, boarding at good/outstanding private school. The least favourite is the local average private school - at the moment I cannot think of any reason to chose it over the state school. Likewise, the private schools further away would have to be seriously better than the state school, and my son would have to really want to go, to compenstate for the commute/boarding/cost element. Time will tell. Trust yourself - only you know what is right for your child and your family.