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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OK Boarding School - this will make me Mrs Unpopular

183 replies

MsTownmouse · 16/10/2011 21:49

AIBU for having sent my DS to boarding school. I have thought it through & I do love him & think it is the right thing

Just interested as a lot of people think that Boarding School and loving your child are mutually exclusive

pip pip

OP posts:
seeker · 16/10/2011 23:32

How can you keep up a good relationship if you don't see your DH! " but that applies so much more to your relationship with your children!!

AnxiousElephant · 16/10/2011 23:32

Wilson do you know any boarders?

WinterIsComing · 16/10/2011 23:33

I would rather have been sent to boarding school during my teenage years than to have spent every evening and weekend with my parents when my puberty clashed with my mother's horrific menopause and subsequent descent into complete madness

Teens want to be with their friends hence spending every evening on the phone to them after school.

I have a school in mind for DD if we win the lottery which offers flexible boarding. That's the best option IMO although I am aware that many families have to choose one way or another and I think that must be very difficult.

Yellowstone · 16/10/2011 23:40

Anxious in twenty years of marriage I can assure you that by far the best relationship I had with my DH was when he buggered off with the army for three weeks out of every four and I was left with the children.

AnxiousElephant · 16/10/2011 23:41

seeker I left home at 18 of my own choosing! I lived with my parents until then and didn't board! We have an ok relationship but it has been a rocky road and I certainly wouldn't want to live within driving distance! It isn't about time spent together at 10/11, more the quality of it imo. If I worked full time I would have to have childcare and later latch key children, then do dinner, nag them to do homework, tidy room etc. As a rebellious teenager this leads to arguments as I have been there! If they are boarding this can be a good thing because the time you spend can be enjoyable, they have a responsible adult there after school, can do clubs of their choice because unlike being at home there would be clashes of timings for both dds. Like I said, I do understand what it is like because I know lots of people who's children board and I don't know any who don't enjoy it.

AnxiousElephant · 16/10/2011 23:43

Completely agree Winter.....I spent from 12- 18 arguing with my mother and would gladly have gone to boarding school. Ironically she threatened it but never did it Sad

AnxiousElephant · 16/10/2011 23:44

Winter thats the other bonus ...... we don't need a lottery win to be able to do it with CEA. Smile

Yellowstone · 16/10/2011 23:46

What you describe is standard for lots of mothers Anxious and there's no particular reason why making a meal, them doing homework, tidying their room etc. should generate arguments. It's quite drastic to think boarding school is required to avoid confrontation.

AnxiousElephant · 16/10/2011 23:53

Yellow I think what I am getting at is that in reality (as opposed to rose tinted specs) I will spend little more face to face time with dd at home or boarding on weekdays because of the basic domestic stuff and she will be off out with friends and then bed.
20 years of marriage aside, I know lots of couples who split when husbands are working away, my first marriage ended that way. That is why I would not like to be parted from him. He is my best friend. Also, in a civvy house you don't have the same level of community where people get together and are in the same situation. If they go on tour it is better to be with other wives who understand your fears etc. The dds would go to the same school, so would have each other to confide in and with the skype, telephone I could still see and speak to them. They love being around their friends and often want sleepovers, they also went to my parents and really didn't care for 10 days in the hols. I feel they will cope fine when the time comes.

TipOfTheSlung · 16/10/2011 23:57

My ds1 aged 8 keeps asking if he can board. Makes me wonder if he hates us Grin in reality hes just jealous of all the fun they have, bewilderwood this weekend

noseybitch · 16/10/2011 23:59

I went for one year and hated it but then I was 16 and had been to a co-ed day school till then. Def wouldn't send DC's away....

DollyTwat · 17/10/2011 00:02

Thanks for the prospectus! Looks too much like good fun. That's not what I had in mind at all!!
Fwiw (not that op is coming back) my nephew boarded for a while and was great for him. He avoided the awful breakup of his parents marriage. He's a day boy now and misses the close friendships he made.

It's not for everyone, I might consider it if ds1 goes off the rails and I can't cope. I have it as an option. Ds1 would love it. Ds2 would hate it.

AnxiousElephant · 17/10/2011 00:03

Nosey I can see why you wouldn't like it at that age, having had much more freedom possibly at home before that, must have been a shock to your system at an age of independence. I think early teens or at least double figures is best because they are already gaining independence i.e. not forced. I will give mine the choice tbh.

AnxiousElephant · 17/10/2011 00:05

I know lots of dc who love it so much they prefer to stay to be with friends at weekends and the parents visit the school rather than bringing them home!

seeker · 17/10/2011 06:30

"I know lots of dc who love it so much they prefer to stay to be with friends at weekends and the parents visit the school rather than bringing them home!"

And you think this is a good thing????

Forrestgump · 17/10/2011 07:19

From reading the posts, many parents tbeaten to send their children to boarding school, having loved every opportunity of my schooling I would never see it as a punishment more of a total privilege.

It isn't prison, you just have to find the right school for you..

Groovee · 17/10/2011 08:48

My friend has just sent her dd year 7 to boarding school by their parents so she can go to the grandparents at weekends. This is because every 18 months their unit seems to be getting moved. They moved back to the UK last summer only to be moved 3 months later abroad again. They were worried about how she would then settle and they'd get moved again for her high school schooling and worried about her being moved so much in teen years that boarding school was a better idea and so far everyone's happy with it all.

vixsatis · 17/10/2011 08:49

DS went at 8. Hard first term; but he's now 10 and really really loves it.

He's home nearly six months of the year and we see him about two Sundays out of three.

TipOfTheSlung · 17/10/2011 08:52

Thats the thing isn't it. At primary/prep level every other bloody weekend seems to be an exeat

scarevola · 17/10/2011 08:55

OP: please would you clarify (if you are happy to do so), if you have are a military family?

(This thread seems to be going down the tediously routine "bash the military" route, but is there any reason why this would be at all relevant to OP).

WilsonFrickett · 17/10/2011 09:09

Sorry Anxious I went to bed! I think it's absolutely up to you if you want to board your children tbh - I do 'get' that it can be an attractive option for military kids because of the constant moving around. However I think it's a bit off to justify it by slagging off state schools or using 'we'll avoid conflict at home over homework' as reasons. You want to board your children because you want to stay with your DH rather than being off-base with your kids. Just say that, rather than saying kids at home or in the state system have a terrible life.

shagmundfreud · 17/10/2011 09:24

OP:

How old is your child?

My siblings and I went to boarding school at 11. My parents moved around a lot and they thought it would give us educational stability.

I would never send my own children. I coped OK (apart from the panic attacks I had regularly - didn't know what they were at the time, and never told my parents about them. I used to vomit in the middle of the night because I was so scared), but I think my sister's alcoholism and extreme promiscuity in adolescence has its roots in years of being in an environment where she was shown no love.

But I appreciate some children enjoy it. And if you're not bothered about seeing much of your kids as they grow up then it can be a good option.

Personally I want to spend time with my children before they fly the nest forever and would prefer to have them at home with me.

I also don't think it's good for children or adolescents to be in an environment where it may be difficult for them to express their feelings of vulnerability, or to be deprived for weeks at a time of physical affection. I think hugs, kisses and physical touch are the glue that holds many parent and child relationships together during adolescence.

Have you seen this?
here

Proudnscary · 17/10/2011 09:25

I couldn't and wouldn't do it.

But that's not to say it's not a successful experience for some families.

In my experience, there is something about an ex boarder - especially in women.

I have three close friends who boarded and they have all got a cold (for want of a better word but it's not quite right) side to them, a detached side and all find humour in things most wouldn't. Okay, I'll be honest particularly about bullying.

Saying that they are all lovely, interesting, independent and generous people as well as loyal friends. I know it's weird to lump three separate women together but I've always thought that about them.

shagmundfreud · 17/10/2011 09:27

Wanted to add, having had my education up to 11 at local schools in places like India, Thailand and the US, I would have no anxieties about educating children older than this abroad, even if it meant they had to move school frequently. Where there's a will there's a way.

shagmundfreud · 17/10/2011 09:29

Proudnscary - funny you should say that immediately after my link, which I don't know if you read.

The link is to a research paper which says: "The taboo on expressing emotion, which is common in such institutions, may lead to an encapsulation of the self. Consequently, the needs of the distressed child/self remain active, but unconscious, within the adult. This maybe disguised by an armoured, and very often socially successful, persona. The psychological
interplay, between these two facets of the personality, may be detrimental to intimate relationships."