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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask her to stay in a B&B?

53 replies

EverythingsNotRosie · 16/10/2011 19:12

Not a MIL bashing thread, I promise! MIL invited herself to visit in half term, we haven't seen her since June as she lives a few hours drive away. Since then I have returned to work full time and DD, 11 months, is at nursery. DD has settled really well at nursery with one exception- she has stopped sleeping through! She has had numerous colds and has cut 6 teeth since she started so it's hardly surprising. We live in a tiny house and MIL would need to sleep on a futon in the tiny study. The thought of dealing with DD and MIL waking each other up and me having to keep DD quiet until a civilised hour of the morning is quite stressful, as well as the fact half term is the only time I have with DD until Christmas. So... Excuse lack of paragraphs on phone... We said we would be happy to see her but as DD not sleeping well, and as I have other plans as well during the week (DH at work) would she mind staying in a B&B which is literally two minutes walk away?... She is now cross and sad and refusing to come where she is not wanted! AIBU?

OP posts:
raffle · 16/10/2011 19:14

I would react in the same way tbh

Tortu · 16/10/2011 19:16

Hmmm. If it was me, I'd say fine, come but that a good night's sleep is not guaranteed. I would then consciously make as much noise as possible on the first night (why keep DD quiet?). I would then comment on the fact that that has been quite a good night, actually and did she want to rethink?

She obviously feels unwanted, whereas you're actually thinking of her.

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 16/10/2011 19:16

Let her come but warn her that baby will scream and wake her up early.

troisgarcons · 16/10/2011 19:16

I think you are BU ... you could utilise her rather than marginalise her

TheOriginalFAB · 16/10/2011 19:17

It might have gone down better if you had presented it from the point of view of not wanting her to have disturbed nights and early mornings..

What will she do while you are off doing other things?

LovingChristmas · 16/10/2011 19:18

Sorry, but yes you are being a bit U. If you have plans, explain that to her and arrange for her to come for maybe two nights, or a different weekend between now and Xmas, explain fully the sleeping situation and your concerns about DD not sleeping through and see if she's happy with that, however explain that you cannot keep your DD quiet at night, so you were concerned about her being disturbed. If she still wants to come, purchase some cheap ear plugs for her :)

Booooooyhoo · 16/10/2011 19:18

who is going to pay for the BnB? she wants to visit her family but not everyone could afford that if it mean paying for a bnb.

OddBoots · 16/10/2011 19:19

Could part of the reason for the visit (from her point of view) be to give you a break inc overnight? If so then she probably feels a bit pushed back.

BridgetBust · 16/10/2011 19:20

Can MIL afford the B&B?

Would you, hypothetically, have asked your mum to stay in B&B?

Original poster
EverythingsNotRosie · 16/10/2011 19:22

We have explained fully that it is because of DD's sleeping and also for her own comfort. I would love to utilise her but it isn't an option as she has arthritis in her knees and cannot chase after DD etc. I would be more than happy for her to join in my plans and will offer, of course. This isn't really a MIL issue, I would have said the same to any friend or my family!i get on fine with her, no sinister motive!

OP posts:
FearTricksPotter · 16/10/2011 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
EverythingsNotRosie · 16/10/2011 19:24

Yes, she can afford it, and we have offered to pay as well. No, definitely not coming to 'help' overnight, she would definitely not be up for that, she likes her sleep!

OP posts:
pommedechocolat · 16/10/2011 19:27

I can't believe people would be offended by this! Can't believe your MIL is petty enough to cancel her first trip for ages to see you.

Petty, petty, petty.

troisgarcons · 16/10/2011 19:29

What does your partner think? is he happy to see his mother sidelined into a hotel?

squeakytoy · 16/10/2011 19:31

She brought up at least one child.. your husband. So she knows exactly what it is like to raise a baby.

Sorry but suggesting she stay at a B & B is really unwelcoming, even though you do have good intentions.

duvetdayplease · 16/10/2011 19:31

I think YANBU, but as you quite like her and the only trouble is you're worried about your DD waking her, then have her to stay.

She will either hate being woken or not mind, but you did offer.

We didn't have our ILs to stay for 2 years, but that was because we couldn't face their judgey faces at our slightly mad bedtime routine shenanigans.

usualsuspect · 16/10/2011 19:31

YABU

Original poster
EverythingsNotRosie · 16/10/2011 19:32

Erm.. it was his idea, he suggested it. Definitely wasn't intending to sideline her, am sad this is how it seems. Obviously IABU, I will chat with DH and have a rethink. Not sure how we can make her stay pleasant though, uncomfortable bed and screaming baby and not enough sleep. Maybe she can stay here and I will go to the B&B!

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 16/10/2011 19:34

i think it is a sensible solution.

there is no room for MIL to sleep, so the alternitive is is to stay in a close B&B, get some proper sleep and feel energised to spend time with the family.

NinkyNonker · 16/10/2011 19:35

People always stay in B&Bs when they visit us, no-one has ever blinked an eye. If she invited herself I don't see that there should really be a problem.

squeakytoy · 16/10/2011 19:38

A futon is bloody uncomfy.. to be honest, when my elderly mum stayed, we gave her our bed, and we slept on a blow up mattress in the lounge. It was only a week at a time, and we were quite happy doing that.

Ear plugs would also help her to sleep.

I know it has been said many times, but it is true, our mums dont last forever, and you really should make the most of it while you can.

usualsuspect · 16/10/2011 19:40

I think you should make your MIL welcome

but maybe I'm odd ,I always seem to go against the anti MIL posts on MN

margerykemp · 16/10/2011 19:42

You've made yourself sound like a right cow, tbh.

Let her come and stay. If it is a nitemare after a couple of days she will prob offer to go to b&b.

mercibucket · 16/10/2011 19:42

we only have a put up bed and usually both my parents and mil stay in hotel in town - if she doesn't want to, how about you go stay there instead and get a good night's sleep and she can have your bed Grin

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 16/10/2011 19:46

OP we have this issue with my parents, tiny house with no "spare room" and we used to have a very wakeful DS that would make for my parents to be grumpy from lack of sleep, and me stressed because there was nothing we could do to stop him crying/waking all the time.

We used to give up our room, and sleep on the floor when they came to visit. Not once did they offer to stay elsewhere, even me with a C-section and a wakeful baby. Grrrr! It came to the point though where I was shattered and could not face them coming, despite them being lovely to my DS and me (to a point)

Now we shout them and BnB and say from the get go that the house is just too small for all of us, we are all shattered and no one enjoyed it before. It took a couple of shit visits for this to sink in though. My mum is a particularly prickly customer and takes "offence" easily.

Stand your ground, insist she comes, you would love to see her, insist she lets you pay for BnB. Get your DH to talk her round.

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