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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask her to stay in a B&B?

53 replies

EverythingsNotRosie · 16/10/2011 19:12

Not a MIL bashing thread, I promise! MIL invited herself to visit in half term, we haven't seen her since June as she lives a few hours drive away. Since then I have returned to work full time and DD, 11 months, is at nursery. DD has settled really well at nursery with one exception- she has stopped sleeping through! She has had numerous colds and has cut 6 teeth since she started so it's hardly surprising. We live in a tiny house and MIL would need to sleep on a futon in the tiny study. The thought of dealing with DD and MIL waking each other up and me having to keep DD quiet until a civilised hour of the morning is quite stressful, as well as the fact half term is the only time I have with DD until Christmas. So... Excuse lack of paragraphs on phone... We said we would be happy to see her but as DD not sleeping well, and as I have other plans as well during the week (DH at work) would she mind staying in a B&B which is literally two minutes walk away?... She is now cross and sad and refusing to come where she is not wanted! AIBU?

OP posts:
PenguinPatter · 16/10/2011 19:46

We get on better with IL now they stop in a B & B on visits. They can go out and come back without every one being woken up.

They also get a better bed - at time we couldn't give ours up despite all the hints as BF baby was spending most of night in it and often one of the toddlers would often turn up at some point.

In fact we get on so well now that we can go on holiday together - as long as there are separate apartments and some time apart for them as well as us and DC.

Original poster
EverythingsNotRosie · 16/10/2011 19:46

Having genuinely asked and listened to advice and already said we are having a rethink based on opinions, it seems a bit mean to call me a right cow. So thanks for that. I think we will do the giving her our bed. It actually hadn't occured to me- brain addled from lack of sleep Grin

OP posts:
mosschops30 · 16/10/2011 19:48

YANBU

Following several nightmarish visits from my narc mother dh said that if she wanted to come again she had to stay elsewhere. She has stayed in a hotel every time shes visited for the last 2 years.
It works much better, shes too hard work to have here and with 3 dcs i dont need it

MajorBOO · 16/10/2011 19:50

Have you considered taking time off at a later date, and your DH taking that week off instead and allowing your MIL to stay over?

He could than get up in the nights and deal with your DD (resting in the day when your DD sleeps if need be) and he will probably feel a lot less stressed doing so as it's his mum that's being disturbed, and when she realises the reality of the situation she may decide to relocate anyway.Grin

squeakytoy · 16/10/2011 19:51

I dont think you were being a cow at all.. :)

See how it goes and then say to her "look, if its too much, we wont be offended if you want to stay at the B & B" and book her in there on day 2..

My mum always went to bed earlier than us, so we just made sure we had all the bits and bobs we needed out of our room for the next morning before she went up, and then we cuddled down on the blow up bed in the lounge watching telly, and took her a cup of tea in the morning. We only have a small house, and a very bouncy dog who would have driven her daft if he had access to her, he would have been in the bed with his head on the pillow snuggled up to her, so it was much easier letting her have our room for a week.

ravenAK · 16/10/2011 19:53

I don't think YABU - sounds perfectly sensible.

When we had a small house & v small children, my parents (noise intolerant, like their comforts) always B&B'd, whereas MIL (total trooper, usually up all night persuading me to open a third bottle anyway Grin) would muck in on a futon.

All concerned were perfectly happy.

But since your MIL has decided to have her nose put out of joint, all you can do is explain that you were just thinking of her comfort & of course she is welcome to your futon.

Whereupon the law of sod will decree that dd sleeps through angelically of course - which is probably worth MIL deciding you were spinning her a yarn!

mosschops30 · 16/10/2011 19:53

squeaky my mother bought up one child, but god knows how, you wouldnt know it.
She worries about everything, phones me constantly with medical questions, cannot even begin to accept the dcs are alive if deal or no deal or holby city is on, used to wedge her slippers under the bedroom door so dcs couldnt get in and wake her.

Just because your parents/inlaws are fine doesnt mean eberyone elses are regardless of how many children theyve raised!

Original poster
EverythingsNotRosie · 16/10/2011 19:53

Unfortunately my time off is fixed as I am a teacher and DH has no more holiday until Christmas now. Am about to ring her and grovel. I still think the B&B is the best option but I don't want her not to see DD until Christmas. I will report back!

OP posts:
GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 16/10/2011 19:55

OP I think you have had a pretty even split of opinions here.... I would have her to stay, but at the end of the visit, maybe say face to face how lovely it is to have her, but how you are all not getting a good nights sleep and would she like to take a look at a couple of very nice walkable BnBs for next time?

whomovedmychocolate · 16/10/2011 19:56

I think it's a lovely idea. If she had any sense she'd be biting your hand off.

NinkyNonker · 16/10/2011 19:59

Anyone who visits stays in a B&B, in fact my MIL is the only person to have stayed since the layout change...consideration works both ways.

Original poster
EverythingsNotRosie · 16/10/2011 20:12

Well... Have phoned and explained why we suggested B&B. She said that was fine, but she couldn't take her dog to B&B. A bit confused, I said she couldn't bring it here either- no outside space, private rental, no animals allowed. She said she knew that and that's why she's not coming. I am now very confused! I think this was all a ruse to make me go there instead, which is not happening (we are going at Xmas). Thanks for all opinions anyway!

OP posts:
GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 16/10/2011 20:14

golly, she sounds a bit bonkers...what a shame for all concerned. So what did your DH say, did he talk to her?

How far away is she?

FearTricksPotter · 16/10/2011 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 16/10/2011 20:17
Confused

riiiiiiiiiight....

Why couldnt she put the dog into the kennels or get a house-sitter?

Wierd....

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 16/10/2011 20:17

Maybe she is upset now and feels 'in the way' so has decided not to come & is just using the dog as a good excuse.

I would feel the same if I was her, it's horrible to feel unwanted.

Original poster
EverythingsNotRosie · 16/10/2011 20:18

DH is still on the phone, basically repeating what I have said! It's a five hour drive which I donBt really like doing, let alone on my own with DD who would only sleep for half an hour and then cry for the rest of the journey. Think DH has agreed to go up on the train one weekend to see her. Maybe he can take DD and I'll have a weekend in bed!

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 16/10/2011 20:21

YANBU - you have your household to run and she is only going to disrupt it.

squeakytoy · 16/10/2011 20:23

I do sympathise. My mum lived in Manchester, and we are in London, and planning a visit was like a military action.

She would come alone on the coach or train, but we had to meet her in London as I dont think she would have coped with the tube at all. And she was nervous of getting back home when she went back and was dropped off the coach in the city centre.. fair enough though. She was in her 70's.

Most of the time I would drive up, stay the night up there, then drive back down with her the next day, and she would go back on the coach. Or we would do it the other way round.

Original poster
EverythingsNotRosie · 16/10/2011 20:29

DH off the phone now. She has added that she will be very busy doing volunteer work for church that week! I wasn't here when DH suggested the B&B the first time so I don't know how he said it but I think there is no going back now. Not sure what else I can do.

OP posts:
Sleepglorioussleep · 16/10/2011 20:29

I think sometimes on here, people have quite high expectations of how family members' needs should be accommodated, without knowing history or their eccentricities (to put it gently) The bottom line is that the needs of you, your dh and dd come first. Everyone else needs to give a little. I now don't have any overnight visitors that I don't know for fairly certain will fit in with what we need to survive. If you're sleep deprived, don't even think about giving up your bed. You've accommodated mil's need to visit, and will let her spend days with you without dh being there (which is more than I can do for my own mother). Where you offer for her to sleep is your call. It is hers whether she accepts it.

squeakytoy · 16/10/2011 20:31

Not sure what else I can do

Do nothing, just enjoy the week with your child.. she has had plenty of choices... dont pander to the sulking, and tell DH not to either.

I am all for defending MILs/mums but they can be as manipulative as the next person! Grin

acsec · 16/10/2011 20:35

I don't think YABU - I think you are being kind in thinking of her not and not wanting to wake her.

dramatrauma · 16/10/2011 20:36

I would be very grateful to have been offered a B&B in this situation. She can see you all without having to deal with the lack of sleep, cramped quarters and the futon. I'd re-explain the situation, or have DH do that.

dramatrauma · 16/10/2011 20:41

You know, she'll probably complain about this to her friends (or she's on Gransnet right now, asking AIBU to be offended that my own son wants me to stay in a B&B). And at least some of her friends will tell her she's being foolish to prefer the futon and the sleeplessness and that her son has her best wishes at heart. Keep offering the B&B very nicely, she's bound to see sense at some point.