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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with my dp for refusing to take paternity leave for financial reasons?

55 replies

Heavensmells · 16/10/2011 17:36

DS2 due at end of November, dp has 6 days holiday leave left and says he will use those instead of taking pat leave then we won't lose any money.
Was really looking forward to him taking 2 wks off as really enjoyed this time with ds1. Had PND when I had DD 10 yrs ago, he went back to work on a night shift within 3 hrs of us bringing her home and whilst I'm sure PND wasn't caused by this I don't think it helped.
I have been expecting him to use his 6 days leave and take 1 wk pat leave but he thinks that we will lose too much money in Xmas wage. AIBU to think sod the money we'll manage or should I just stop being a mardy arse and just get on with it?

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 16/10/2011 17:40

I think it depends on your financial situation tbh.

You need to ask yourself if you can really afford it, especially so close to Christmas when he might have time off.

If you can afford it, I mean properly afford it then yanbu, if you can't afford it, then yabu.

Your dh is probably just worrying about finances more than you are, and may be feeling the pressure to provide for your growing family. Or he might be under pressure at work to not take too much time off at that time of year. Don't be too hard on him.

workshy · 16/10/2011 17:41

he doesn't have to take it straight away

why not use his 6 days holiday when the baby is born, then take 2 weeks in January post Christmas so not losing wages in december, but he will be there when the endless round of visitors have gone?

whackamole · 16/10/2011 17:42

I think he's being a bit silly unless the difference in wage will be massive.

My OH is taking the full 2 weeks but he only earns about thruppence an hour so it won't make a massive difference anyway!

lalanamechanged · 16/10/2011 17:42

You don't have to take paternity leave when the baby is born, can he do 6 days when the baby comes, and the week further down the line e.g. at one month?

I see his point about the xmas wages.

pozzled · 16/10/2011 17:44

Without knowing your financial circumstances it's impossible to say. It does sound like you have slightly different priorities though. I'd suggest you tell him how important it is to you that you have him around- and then go through the figures together to see whether it's possible.

troisgarcons · 16/10/2011 17:50

Depends on your financial situation.

What would you prefer, a roof over your head and food in your childrens belly, or repossession/eviction and hungry children?

Original poster
Heavensmells · 16/10/2011 17:51

Thanks all for fast replies Smile
He is paid about £600 a wk before tax. I have said that I can prob. Squirrel away around £200 before then if we cut back a bit and I've said that I will buy a little toward the big Xmas food shop every week so it won't be as expensive as usual but he not budging! Just not sure if my 33 wk preg hormones are making me go ott that's all!

OP posts:
diddl · 16/10/2011 17:52

But he´s having 6days off-not as if he´s taking no time off at all.

I think that the paternity leave another time sounds great.

saffron · 16/10/2011 17:54

My kids are 17 and 12 so I don't know the law.
When is the cut of point after the baby is born for taking the paternity leave. Do you have to take it straight away or do you get a few weeks grace? (sorry that was worded awfully)

trixymalixy · 16/10/2011 17:54

If it was us I would say sod the money too and have DH at home. It's hard to know whether YANBU as we don't know what your financial situation is.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 16/10/2011 18:02

Without knowing your financial situation it's hard to say, but I incline towards YABU.

Losing half a months salary when you have a new mouth to feed doesn't seem like the wisest choice.

I can see why he is concerned about finances and not keen to take what is effective unpaid leave.

This is your second baby, so you won't really need that much support.

nomoreheels · 16/10/2011 18:03

6 days with a newborn is not much time at all. If you can manage financially, then having him there to support you is more important.

AuntiePickleBottom · 16/10/2011 18:12

Does he get a chunk of time off around Christmas, my dh works shuts down for 2 weeks.

diddl · 16/10/2011 18:12

"6 days with a newborn is not much time at all".

Well some of us managed!

And no matter how long the husband has off, you have to be on your own with both children at some point!

OP, is it that you think you´ll need help for longer?

Original poster
Heavensmells · 16/10/2011 18:15

I think he has up to 56 days to take paternity leave.
He will be having some time off at Xmas too. DD is 10 and ds1 is 5 yrs old and will both be at school so not like I have baby and toddler to look after. I just hope he has enough time to bond with baby properly, I think that first couple of weeks are important.

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 16/10/2011 18:16

The 10 year old could help for some extra pocket money

£350 per week is alot of money to lose

Trills · 16/10/2011 18:16

YA quite possibly BU - but it depends if you can afford to lose the money. Your talk of squirrelling away £200 sounds as if losing most of 2 weeks' pay would make a difference to you.

AuntiePickleBottom · 16/10/2011 18:20

He will bond, you don't need to be with a baby 24/7 to bond.

When he comes home from work he cold spend that time bonding

diddl · 16/10/2011 18:26

Why would he need 2wks to bond?

My PFB was pre 30weeks & we couldn´t cuddle him the the first couple of days-just hold his hand/stroke him in the incubator.

Husband had the first 2 days off & then came every night after work & had a week off when PFB came home.

There was certainly no lack of bonding.

And with second I´m not sure he had a full week off-but they definitely bonded!

FabbyChic · 16/10/2011 18:29

Years ago men did not get partnernity leave, what do you think single parents do they have no one.

Six days is plenty coupled with four on the weekend.

It is after all only four days short of two weeks in working days.

TheGhostOfMrsWembley · 16/10/2011 18:29

My DP Is a contractor so the paternity thing doesn't apply to him - if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid. He took the next day off then a couple of days the following week. That was it both times. Both DGMs were around so I wasn't completely alone but really, I coped.Smile

Knowing that he felt he was pulling his weight, earning 'nappy money', made him feel he was doing his bit, whilst I was doing my bit at home. It would have been lovely to have had the two weeks, but it was more important to us than having him around feeling like a spare cog whilst I had baby to breast 18/24 hrs a day for the first few weeks. He's had time off since, a day here and there, and that has been better as he's actually got to see and bond with the DCs then.

Cut him some slack and see what his plans are for after Christmas.

Birdsgottafly · 16/10/2011 18:32

He will still bond with the baby whether he has time off or not. If this was essential then no father pre paternity leave (or in other countries without PL)would have bonded, let alone those serving in any of the forces/navy ect.

I would go through your finances and then see what his overall plan is, it may well work out better to take time off when you are being hit by tiredness. I always found the first few days the easiest.

Original poster
Heavensmells · 16/10/2011 18:33

Thank you Fabby for pointing out the bloody obvious!

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 16/10/2011 18:34

1 weeks money is a lot to be without. He's taking 6 days. I think you need to stop grumping and make the best of that. My dh had practically no time off with dd1 as he was paid per day then so we couldn't afford it. With dd2 I think he had 4 days plus the day she was born - a Monday and with dd3 it was a week. You manage.

Original poster
Heavensmells · 16/10/2011 18:43

Thanks everyone, first time I've posted and I've found it really helpful.

I'm sure that we'll be fine, have got rose tinted specs on I think. I know that this is our last baby and want everything to go as well as it possibly can. Plus it's been nearly 6 years since our last baby so I'm panicking a bit as he was a monkey who didn't sleep.

I will drop it with him now, I know we've had some really skint xmas's before and he is just wanting to avoid this.

OP posts:
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