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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with my dp for refusing to take paternity leave for financial reasons?

55 replies

Heavensmells · 16/10/2011 17:36

DS2 due at end of November, dp has 6 days holiday leave left and says he will use those instead of taking pat leave then we won't lose any money.
Was really looking forward to him taking 2 wks off as really enjoyed this time with ds1. Had PND when I had DD 10 yrs ago, he went back to work on a night shift within 3 hrs of us bringing her home and whilst I'm sure PND wasn't caused by this I don't think it helped.
I have been expecting him to use his 6 days leave and take 1 wk pat leave but he thinks that we will lose too much money in Xmas wage. AIBU to think sod the money we'll manage or should I just stop being a mardy arse and just get on with it?

OP posts:
DrCoconut · 16/10/2011 18:53

Fathers do get paternity pay which would go some way to defray expenses. (We found that DH was actually better off on paternity leave than at work because his normal pay minus travel costs, lunch costs etc is less than SPP). If your DP is a high ish earner then you will miss his wage if you have no savings but at least you don't lose all the money. From a personal point of view I would say the leave is more important than the money unless it would really put you on the breadline because the help and support at the start is great, but not knowing your full circumstances I can't say more.

nomoreheels · 16/10/2011 19:08

Well, well done for those of you who are clearly superwomen & coped with your partners going back to work so soon. If my DP had 6 days, by the time I'd left hospital we would have had just 3 days together at home. And I would not have coped with so little support.

The OP said she had PND last time. So I still think his leave is more important than money, if they can manage. Money can usually be made later; 2 weeks of support at the start could make a big difference.

Xenia · 16/10/2011 19:52

Gosh some of us motherw were b ack at work in 2 weeks. Perhaps get him to stay home and you get acbk to work instead or you pay him his financial loss of staying home and then h e might accept to stay home. When women have no money and no economic power things never really go very well for them and they have much less choice in life.

laptopdancer · 16/10/2011 19:54

Do men actually really take paternity leave? Well blow me down.

diddl · 16/10/2011 19:57

When I had my first, my husband´s paternity leave was paid!

SurprisEs · 16/10/2011 20:00

We really struggled when DD was born but I insisted DH stayed at home
For those 2 weeks plus 1 week holiday he had left. I couldn't have coped.

I think op husband probably assumes he is actually doing the best thing for the family. I don't think he is being selfish or inconsiderate. But I'd be a annoyed just because op had PND previously and needs as much support as possible so it doesn't happen again.

Difficult.

margerykemp · 16/10/2011 20:01

I wished my dp could have taken the whole first 6 weeks off. I suppose it depends on your family dynamics but if it's what you want he shouldnt veto you.

4madboys · 16/10/2011 20:02

my dp got one week at FULL pay for paternity leave, the second week was at the gov level, much less than his usual pay, but we budgeted to account for this.

i thought all men were entitled to one week at their usual pay, or is it the two weeks at staturory paternity leave pay which i think is a between £100-£200 i cant remember the exact figure.

i found however that after the first week i was fine, it is once baby was a bit older 4wks onwards that the tiredness kicked in and so dp arranged to have some holiday days then, i e one or two days for a few weeks, could your dp do similar, that worked well for us.

i do know that legally you are meant to take the two weeks in one go within 56? days of baby being born, but my dp's work were flexible and let him have a few days here and there, it was actually easier for them to manage that than to have him off for the full two weeks.

maybe speak to his employer and see what you can come up with :)

SardineQueen · 16/10/2011 20:15

I think YANBU

I would rather have DH at home with a new baby than out at work unless the money is absolutely fundamentally essential.

DH took 2 weeks pat leave (stat pay) and 2 weeks hol with both mine, so was at home for a month. With the first it was all a bit unknown and we wanted to work it out together. With teh second we did the same as it had been so nice with the first.

And in the end both births ended up being sections, and I BF which adds to the whole "stuck on the sofa and what about the toddler" effect.

OTOH I think that taking it in Jan would be good as well. In the first 6 weeks or so anyway Smile

SardineQueen · 16/10/2011 20:17

Pat stat pay is same as mat stat approx £100pw BTW

Original poster
Heavensmells · 16/10/2011 21:03

Xenia, are you being sarcastic or are you just an absolute cow?

OP posts:
saffron · 16/10/2011 21:06

(Diddl its hard isn't it when you have a pre 30weeker. I am glad you could cuddle your pfb so early, and I hope he is doing well Grin
My ds was a pre 30 weeker too. I have to say it took dh quite a while to bond. BUT, dh would deny that until his dying day. )

Heaven - what about seeing if you could save a £100 a month in Oct, Nov, Dec and Jan and seeing if DH could have his paternity in early feb which should still be in the 56 days you mentioned that your dh had to take his paternity

saffron · 16/10/2011 21:08

Heaven - Xenia means EVERY word she is saying. Xenia had less than two weeks off with every one of her 5 children (and the youngest two are twins)

Iggly · 16/10/2011 21:12

Blimey Xenia what did you do with your teeny tiny babies Shock
OP, YANBU but it is the hormones too. At least he'll have Xmas so can take some time off then. Also when does his leave year end? He could use up leave at other times to help you out? Do you have other family who could help too?

Original poster
Heavensmells · 16/10/2011 21:25

Thanks again everyone

Going to tell dp that I've really thought about it and and am happy with him just taking annual leave. We are quite organised at home and other dc's are easy to look after (even though they do have their moments)

The issue wasn't being unable to cope, it was wanting things to be as ideal as they can be - if that makes sense!

Nothing wrong with wanting what is best for my family, was just trying to decide whether it was time or money I suppose!

OP posts:
Eglu · 16/10/2011 21:30

I think 6 days is fine tbh. My DH took two days off as he runs his own shop and couldn't afford to have it closed any longer. It was also DC3 for me

vj32 · 16/10/2011 21:35

Stat paternity pay is £128/week.

I would sit down together and look at your finances. And if you financially can do it, then I would get your dh to take the full 2 weeks. You don't get that time back later and if you have a difficult birth you might need that support of someone being there all the time. I had an emergency c-section and was really drugged up for the first week or more - couldn't have managed on my own.

I think maybe it is a bit more difficult around Christmas financially if you have other dcs, but I don't like Christmas celebrations/traditions that much - so would much prefer to have dh at home and a simple Christmas. But then I'm one of those grumpy people who think lots of people spend too much money on Christmas, and the really benefit of Christmas is lots of bank holidays and time with family.

alistron1 · 16/10/2011 21:42

Without sounding all competitive yorkshiremenish etc, when I had my DD's (one was born in Jan '97 the other in Dec '97) DP was a supply teacher and obviously if he didn't work he didn't get paid and due to our expanding brood he needed to work!!

With DD1 he had 1 day off and when I had DD2 24 hours after giving birth I was in command control with a newborn and an 11 month old.

It all worked out ok and DP had plenty of time in the wee small hours to bond Grin

skybluepearl · 16/10/2011 23:35

Having had PND in the past, i think he needs to take your needs into account. You are right to highlight how he can best help.

skybluepearl · 16/10/2011 23:36

whats that old saying by the way, look after the mother and the family will thrive?

nectarina · 17/10/2011 07:04

YANBU
Paternity leave should be taken!

Xenia · 17/10/2011 08:28

(What did I do? I breastfed all the children for over a year includign the twins. We were lucky to find a good daily nanny who stayed for 10 years with the first 3 children and babies like security, comfort, routine so the sooner that is established the better.
With the twins by then my office is based in the house so the daily nanny brought them to me for feeding or I went into them. It worked out fine. I adore babies bu t there's no reason if a woman or man wishes that they cannot go back to work when they are 2 weeks, full time if they choose)

Iggly · 17/10/2011 08:51

Maybe more would Xenia if we could afford such childcare and have our babies brought to us to be BF. I wanted to BF - however a commute into the city didn't really lend itself to that. Plus not sure the clients would appreciate it Grin

laptopdancer · 17/10/2011 09:01

Imagines a nanny bringing babies into the hospital half way through patient clinic visits ..."excuse me, mrs smith, while I bf my baby...hold thatn thought"

dreamingbohemian · 17/10/2011 09:05

I think YANBU

If he does get paternity pay and you can save a bit before then, why not plan a simple christmas and take those two weeks?

If, god forbid, you need a section or anything goes wrong, you may really need the support.

At the very least, I would ask him to have a sort of contingency plan, so that if for example you only come home from the hospital on Day 5 of his leave, he will take a few extra days off.