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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to stay at home this christmas and cook for my family instead of going to in laws?

129 replies

mrsm123 · 12/10/2011 22:20

is this a common dilema? does anyone have the guts to say "love you all to bits but we want to stay at home this year - see ya!" tee hee.

OP posts:
5GoldRings · 15/10/2011 14:31

My family is bigger so take over quite a bit in an over the top boisterous sort of way - nothing thats particularly offensive Smile.
parents all get on fine but DH used to smaller affairs and not particularly wanting to make this a permanent annual thing but perhaps just for this year and see how we go. His mum has been unwell too so he's taking that into consideration.

The bigger affairs of up to 30 people where when my parents used to host and it was a largeish house in those days (going back many years)! But even so they still squeezed randoms in if necessary.

Original poster
mrsm123 · 15/10/2011 14:42

aw well that makes sense now. just tell your parents then in the nicest way and say about his mum being unwell. they should understand.

then maybe your mum would have you on boxing day so youre not doing it twice?

family have got to come and go a bit from time to time.

OP posts:
halcyondays · 15/10/2011 17:40

Yanbu, we used to go to my auntie and uncle for Xmas but once dd1 was a toddler, it was easier to stay at home than take her to anybody else's house. We have 2 dds now who are 5 and 3 and will stay at home until they are a good bit older. My aunties and uncle said that though they like to have us, they know it's easier for us to relax if we stay at home, the dds can play with all their new toys etc, they invite us over on a different day instead.

eaglewings · 15/10/2011 17:57

Harking back to many posts ago

Every generation needs to establish new traditions, otherwise all you are doing is taking one set of grandparents ways of doing things. It can be a blend from both partners or many new things.

pranma · 15/10/2011 18:25

I am a mum/m-i-l/sm/sm-i-l and grandma
Here's what we do -we tell everyone they are welcome to come to ours for Christmas.If lots come great-sometimes someone invites us and sometimes we accept.If no-one is coming here and we are going nowhere my vvdd always asks us for all or part of the day.She says that she will always want me to have children around on Christmas day.She also invites her m-i-l.When she was invited to her m-i-l...m-i-l invited dh and me too.We are a family and Christmas is a family time about loving and being together and everyone trying hard to make sure no one is left out.The children arent small for long and much of the magig goes once santa leaves for good.

pranma · 15/10/2011 18:25

magic of course Blush

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 15/10/2011 18:32

OP YANBU

I do wonder if pointydog is being deliberately obtuse over this. It's not as if you are excluding your in-laws. They will still be spending time with you at christmas, if they accept your invitation, only the location will be different.

turkeyboots · 15/10/2011 18:37

We try to have Christmas for just us, but my family all live in different countries, so when DM decides to come (which would be ok), we end up with DB, DSis and partner as well. Hard to balance that number of child free adults and all the child focused things we want to do. Had Christmas alone last year and it was wonderful. No hungover adults growing at children when they want to open presents at 6am!

We go to the in-laws on Boxing day (2hours away), so do the family thing then.

somewherewest · 15/10/2011 18:43

We've been married for four years and always have Christmas Eve / Day at home by ourselves, though we do visit both sides just before or after. My family are very relaxed about Christmas, so no pressure there. On the other side the MIL is incredibly hard work bless her, so we're holding out as long as possible. The PILs are only in their 50s at the moment so thank God we are getting away with it. I know there will come a time when we'll have to have them/go there and I'll be huddled in the corner with a bottle of gin by Boxing Day, but in the meantime....

rubyrubyruby · 15/10/2011 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mrsm123 · 15/10/2011 19:33

pink - thats not very fair of your husband is it? he cant seriously expect you to go to your in laws for the 7th yr in a row? hes got to compromise. plus, his kids even want to stay home! youve done well. stay at home this year and just bribe him with lots of special christmas treats. i cant wait to try out christmas in our home this yr - in laws most welcome.

pranma - thats lovely and as things should be at that time of year. were all similar in that we would never let any of our mothers be left out - my mum is sorted this yr as shes having my bro, sil and nieces and nephews and my pils will be sorted too if they comes to ours.

OP posts:
Kick2down · 15/10/2011 19:41

We don't go round the relatives' houses for Xmas. I love both families, and we see them before or after Christmas Day. But I like being in my own home, with my own children, eating the food DH and I cook together, for Christmas. Do it your own way.

Original poster
mrsm123 · 17/10/2011 13:32

well for anyone who is interested, i invited my parents in law on sunday there to come to ours this christmas and they seemed presently surprised and accepted our offer! the only thing they need to check out first is if their daughters (my sils) want to come too (we invited them too obviously as they still stay at home with their parents - they are early 20s).

sugar, i better start saving now AND reading up on how to cook a christmas dinner for 10!! aarrgghh!!

well ive got delia book and jamie dvd so between them i should be able to pull it off.

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rubyrubyruby · 17/10/2011 13:35

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mrsm123 · 17/10/2011 13:51

cheers ruby

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TandB · 17/10/2011 14:26

YANBU

Christmas day hosting seems to be an unnavigable minefield for everyone.

In theory we are supposed to take turns hosting - PILs, us and SIL/BIL. In practice it never works out that way and we default to PILs. We hosted once and it was a disaster. BIL is obsessed with hosting/cooking for people - he never stops going on about it and will come up with all sorts of reasons why any social occasion should involve us all going to his house and endlessly praising his food. He was desperate to host the first year we met him but we had already arranged for everyone to come to us. He therefore wanted to cook the entire dinner and bring it with him. We said no, obviously. He nagged so we said he could bring the turkey but everything else was in hand. They turned up with an entire duplicate Christmas dinner (including unwashed veg that I finished up preparing) which he wanted to use in preference to what DP and I had already spent the whole morning preparing, and he threw a hissy fit because some of it went uneaten.

The following year they were going to host which we were all dreading to be honest. They pulled out about a week before Christmas because they were sulking about something. We re-arranged it at PILs and they had a strop and refused to come. Every year since then they have declined to come to PILs at all on Christmas day on the basis that they want to be in their own home, so this year we decided to host for the first time in our new home and to give MIL a break from making Christmas dinner. Guess what? That doesn't suit - BIL and SIL now want to go to PILs for the first time in years. So we have reverted to PILs....and BIL and SIL are now not coming till the evening because they are going out for lunch.

I don't think we will ever get to host - there will always be something. Fortunately Christmas at the PILs is very nice and relaxed - it would just be nice to do it at ours sometime.

Original poster
mrsm123 · 17/10/2011 14:49

oh my god, that brother sounds a nightmare!!! he would bug the life out of me.

and that is a real shame you all agreed yours this year and then changed for him now hes not even coming til night!!!

id swap back to mine.

well next year get it set in stone its at yours. jee wiz.

OP posts:
Almostfifty · 22/10/2011 21:47

Why on earth would anyone want to drag small children away from their presents to go to parental houses at Christmas?

Or why on earth would anyone want to fill a car full of presents and expect children to be happy staying at a (perhaps) relatively strange house on Christmas Eve?

Parents are now grandparents, they should be the ones accommodating to keep the family happy.

My in-laws do, my parents don't. They're the ones missing out. I've never fallen out with them because of it, it's their decision and that's it.

FunkyChicken · 23/10/2011 01:49

When we had first DC, took opportunity to establish that we wanted 'Father Christmas coming down OUR chimney' and always stay home for Christmas eve/day. I knew of lots of friends who got into pattern of spending their precious few days off work at Christmas trugging up and down the country to give everybody their 'turn'. We DO have others coming to us but at least we're not spending hours of the festive season on the motorway - we let the people who are retired (and have lots more free time than us) do that Grin and we're buidling up our own family traditions - one of which is bubbly for the parents at 6am under the tree whilst the kids open the presents Grin

MowlemB · 23/10/2011 02:35

There is no right way of doing Christmas and I think you have to find a way that suits you.

We seem to have fallen into the tradition of spending Xmas morning at home, and then going to my parents on Xmas for lunch and seeing ILs a couple of days later when it is DHs birthday.

I do think when they're children it is important for them to wake up their own house and to have the whole FC thing in their own house. I would never go anywhere on Christmas Eve / Christmas morning. I do think it is just special spending Christmas morning in your own home. It also allows the children to play with their own toys in the morning before we go off for lunch.

That said, I also hate cooking so am happy to go to my mum's for Christmas lunch so she can play mother hen--.

Christmas is huge in my family and very magical. I'm lucky that my DH has bought in to all of that, and he now prefers spend Christmas day at my parents. We did once spend it with his, but even DH agreed it was shit and he never wanted to do that again. Plus he likes to see his folks on his birthday. DHs family aren't really in to Christmas so it a bit crap going there. Probably our system is a bit unfair but it does work for us.

It is the same with my grandparents - they always go to their youngest daughter's on Christmas day, their son's on Boxing day and our family a few days after Christmas. It works for us because we get to replicate Christmas with another party a few days later. I don't mind not seeing them on Christmas day. I prefer to have more parties and to enjoy spending time with people rather than cramming it all in to one day and not enjoying it.

Adversecamber · 23/10/2011 10:36

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

borderslass · 23/10/2011 10:44

Never been or had family to ours since DD1 was 3 no-one ever asked. SIL had everyone at hers including friends but never us. DH has always worked christmas day so at one point was on own with 3 little kids now I'm basically alone as DD1 has left home, DS sits in his room all day at the best of times as does DD2 now.

borderslass · 23/10/2011 10:49

Correction I hosted dinner when DD1 was 4 asked sil,mil, fil and bil was convinced by sil to ask bil and sil and their 3 children because she'd help me with dinner. Ended up doing it all myself for 14 people. Just got on with it though.

Original poster
mrsm123 · 26/10/2011 20:03

Well it's official - my husband's sisters, parents and granny are all coming to us this Christmas for Christmas dinner! They told me today. This will be a first and I cannot wait. I think my kids will love the experience of being in their own house for Christmas day with all their toys etc. I know it will be a lot of preparation but I'm not going to stress and if we all muck in a bit it should be a lovely day. Mil has already offered to do whatever is needed so we've agreed on her doing the ham, desserts and bringing some bubbly.
Thanks for all the advice folks, it's interesting to read all the different points of view.
(next year - my family - yee ha! )

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Original poster
mrsm123 · 26/10/2011 20:09

ps borderlass - you make sure you plan a Christmas that suits you this year. Is your son a teenager by any chance? mines sits in his room too. x

OP posts: