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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to stay at home this christmas and cook for my family instead of going to in laws?

129 replies

mrsm123 · 12/10/2011 22:20

is this a common dilema? does anyone have the guts to say "love you all to bits but we want to stay at home this year - see ya!" tee hee.

OP posts:
pointydog · 13/10/2011 21:02

No I'm not. I'm a mother who has sometimes had issues with parents and in-laws like most people. I feel that family and friends are just about the most important thing in life. So that colours my opinion I suppose.

aurynne · 13/10/2011 21:12

pointydog, even I understand what this thread is about, and I don't have children. Don't you think that the main "family" of the OP is her, her DH and her DCs? Well, that's the family she wants to spend Christmas with. And in my humble opinion, she's very much entitled to it.

Your Christmas, your way. If anybody else does not agree, they can organize their own Christmas.

Squitten · 13/10/2011 21:12

I HATE organising Xmas every year because it always becomes a blackmail horror.

MIL is obsessed with hosting (in her mahoosive house that she got in the divorce and is now rattling around in on her own.) Last year DS2 was 3wks old so we wanted no visitors and BIL hosted. This year, we still don't want to go there - her house is a death-trap for tinies: 3 million steep stairs, open fires, fragile ornaments EVERYWHERE, china plates, never mind the Xmas tree! DS2 is a climber and we just know it will be horrible for us to be there for days chasing the kids about trying to stop them killing themselves (she lives far away and we have no car so we'd have to go for the whole time)

She thought she was being canny though - waited for me to disappear and tried to tackle DH the other week. But we were ready with a firm NO. She's welcome here, of course, but that's it. Times like this I'm glad my family don't give a crap!

Original poster
mrsm123 · 13/10/2011 21:14

pointy, you're absolutely right. family and friends are the most important things in life. i totally agree.
but i dont see how me wanting to have christmas in my own house WITH the extended family makes me appear to be anything other than appreciative of my in laws. its just to try something new, and i know my kids will love it just as much, if not more.
you cant suit others all the time. and as someone said in an earlier post, my kids come before any grandparents. my oldest son wants to try it. so were doing it.

OP posts:
upahill · 13/10/2011 21:15

We always have Christmas at our house.
No extended family, no friends, just the four of us.

We go and see my parents the weekend before Christmas day.

Original poster
mrsm123 · 13/10/2011 21:22

squitten you've just made me laugh out loud (about her house)

and also, my mums the same as yours, she doesnt give a monkeys.

she loves us, but isnt mother hen.

OP posts:
SandStorm · 13/10/2011 21:26

The best decision we ever made when we had children was to make Christmas Day 'our' day - no relatives or friends. We go to the pub for a drink then down to the beach no matter how cold it is and then home for a late lunch/early dinner.

We see my family on Christmas Eve and spend New Year with my in laws. Everybody is happy and we've created our own traditions (ie. the trip to the beach without which my Christmas Day just isn't complete).

FeelMyWraith · 13/10/2011 21:38

I sort of agree with pointydog. But not to the extent that I'd expect other people to spend Christmas in a way which makes them unhappy.

The pleasure my parents and ILs derive from their grandchildren is absolutely wonderful. And the dc benefit extraordinarily from their input. And they're fabulous, helpful, generous people. They deserve the pleasure of seeing their grandchildren at Christmas and what's more the grandchildren adore it. DH and I both find that the most magical thing about Christmas is family coming together and they're our family too. And we have oodles of traditions. We have Christmas Eve at home with requisite new pyjamas/hot chocolate etc and get up Christmas morning and open presents, go for a walk, have a lovely breakfast, play some games. Then off to my parents for a big lunch with my brother, his family, my aunt and my grandmother and an afternoon spent together exchanging gifts and snacking. Early evening we go to the ILs and stay the night, spending most of Boxing Day with them and having another meal and jumping in the sea for charity.

I'm not sociable at all and otherwise avoid company for extended periods but the memories and joy created at Christmas with parents/ILs are brilliant. Wouldn't have it any other way. They won't be here forever and we fit in time just the 4 of us, and time with all the important people in our extended family too.

Original poster
mrsm123 · 13/10/2011 21:48

thats sounds heavenly.

and my in laws will get to see their grandchildren all day if they accept my offer to come to ours FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!

im not a 21 year old young mother, im mid thirties and have done my fair share of compromise every single christmas.

right i better go and have a wee cup of tea. my cheeks are getting hot. lol.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 13/10/2011 22:54

I dont see what the problem is with people wanting to start their own traditions. Times change, sensible parents and PiL realise that. They dont keep Christmas exactly as their own parents did. Their children also want to change things and do them their own way.

pointydog · 13/10/2011 23:03

It's actually that phrase 'starting their own Christmas traditions' that irritates me. What subtsance is there to these 'new tradtitions' that are somehow so important?

Ususally they consist of buying pyjamas and sprinkling oats and glitter which is very nice but hardly some meaningful and important 'tradition' when compared to meeting and sharing with family and friends at a time of common celebration.

I didn't have a wonderful upbringing, I know the flaws in my parents' parenting skills and I'm sure I'll be told all about my own flaws soon enough. My mil has driven me nuts at times. My own children always choose to see relatives on Christmas day even when I've offered them the chance to stay at home with their toys and pals. And deep down, I like that. They know a little something about tradtition and what matters.

Harecare · 13/10/2011 23:29

My "new traditions" are not new. They are what me and my family did when I was a child. Dp hasn't experienced them as we always go to his more local parents and anyway, what I did as a child with my Mum and siblings is completely different to spending Christmas there as an adult with my own DCs.

I loved Christmas as a child, it was active and engaged and we always went to church. I want the same for my DCs. Visiting DPs divorced parent's one at a time with other family there too - mainly grown ups except a teenager is about watching tv and waiting for dinner, spending a looong time eating (great for grown ups, but testing for small DCs) then waiting for presents. It is all very nice, but not ideal for me or my DCs. There is about an hour when Grandma isn't cooking and wants to spend time with DCs, but after a trying day they are not at their best, so it would be mutually beneficial to see them at another time.

Spotty Dog - There are 12 days of Christmas, choosing to spend 1 of them with just immediate family is not a crime. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't mean you don't love your family. To suggest that it is in the way that you are is very unreasonable.

Harecare · 13/10/2011 23:30

oops, you're pointy, not spotty!

blackeyedsusan · 14/10/2011 07:33

the actual wedding ceromoy gave you a clue... "leave and cleave"
leave your birth family and join with your new spouse. you are a unit now. does not mean that you exclude relatives, but sometimes you have to do the best for both of you and children if you have them.

someone has to compromise somewhere. if you are going to your parents, you are not going to pils. if all gp's come to you, they are not going to your siblings. if you invite your siblings then siblings partners are not with their family

GnomeDePlume · 14/10/2011 09:22

You make a good point blackeyedsusan.

The reality is that things change. I cant 'go home' for Christmas because my mother has moved a few times since I left home. The same for DH. Also I now have three DCs and both our parents live in small houses. There is no room for us all to visit. There also is the point - it would be visiting not going home. My home is with my DH & DCs.

We do things differently from the way my parents or DH's parents kept Christmas. Sometimes things are mutually exclusive. You can only cook the turkey once, you can (please god!) only eat one Christmas lunch or dinner on Christmas Day, you can only open the presents once.

When my own DCs leave home then I expect that they will make a similar rite of passage as they start to form their own family traditions.

kittycatlove · 14/10/2011 10:07

YANBU at all- you are inviting your ILs not excluding them.

I really enjoy hosting christmas - tbh there is something a little bit undermining when ILs only want to host- as if you arent capable
Best to be upfront and discuss rather than let traditions get set in stone.

"Leave and cleave"? never heard that one BlackeyedSusan

Original poster
mrsm123 · 15/10/2011 09:58

pointy pointy pointy...sigh

you're presuming an awful lot here (about my traditions). and you're kind of arguing with yourself, cause i dont see how our opinions differ so greatly (with regards to how important family is) yet you keep coming back with these posts that quite frankly sound bitchy and snooty.

to suggest that my children dont "know a little something about tradition and what matters" in life at christmas time is VERY 'cheeky' of you (for want of a better word) and this is where i end my chat with you on this matter.

so, good will to all! (and all that)

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsm123 · 15/10/2011 10:02

ps to all others, i am now 100% sure that my plan for this christmas is not only a very reasonable plan but a very kind one too and i am looking forward to my inlaws accepting our invite to spend christmas day with us in OUR home.

i will let you know if they do accept!

OP posts:
sue52 · 15/10/2011 10:35

After cooking every christmas lunch for the last 30 years, I would love it if my DD said she was taking over and we could come to them. I would also like it if everyone wanted Christmas on their own and DH and I could do our own thing (of course, I would never tell them that).

Ragwort · 15/10/2011 10:45

I like to vary our Christmas - to be honest the best ones recently have been helping the elderly at a Church function - we took our DS twice to do this, when he was 3 and 5 and he loved it and so did the old folk Smile. Othertimes we have been away on holiday; sometimes we have been to my parents and other times hosted Christmas at our house (ILs dead Sad) - I think it is best to do different things each year and not think 'it's always got to be like this' - that way you are set up to be disappointed if things don't go your way. This year we are hosting and everyone is welcome to come to us Smile.

Original poster
mrsm123 · 15/10/2011 12:12

aw Sue,

why don't you start a conversation like "does anyone have any ideas about how they want to spend this christmas?"

you never know,they might be thinkin you love doing it and so why stop? your daughter might also want to do somethin different? or you could all go out to a nice restaurant, to give you a break from cooking?

and thats lovely that after all those you years youd like to spend one christmas alone with your husband. i find that romantic. thats great you both still have that.

OP posts:
2anddone · 15/10/2011 12:36

We have had christmas just the 4 of us for the past 4 years now since ds was 2 and dd hadn't arrived. We love it we drive round and see everyone on Christmas eve and deliver their gifts (all family live in a 10 mile radius) then on Christmas day and boxing day it is just us 4 and we ring the family when we have finished opening gifts to say thank you. My dc don't even get dressed between putting on their pj's on Christmas eve and the day after boxing day, it's lovely takes away all the stress. I remember when I was younger mum kept looking at her watch and telling us to get on with opening our gifts or we would be late for wherever we were going that year, then we were only allowed to take one thing each with us for the day to play with. Decided when I had children I didn't want their Christmas spent like that.

5GoldRings · 15/10/2011 13:50

OP hope you don't mind the hijack but i have a similar scenario. We've hosted both sets of parents and siblings the last few years which i love as it means i stay at home.

DH wants to have his family Xmas Day and mine on Boxing day. I don't really want to entertain 2 days in a row but it doesn't bother me too much as PIL who stay always help and DH does a huge amount too.

However, my family won't understand this plan/idea as we're used to huge gatherings over the years (sometimes up to 30 people on Xmas day) and i think its going to cause a real problem.

Would be glad to hear of any ideas to placate everyone!! TIA

pink4ever · 15/10/2011 14:22

Op-I posted about this very dilemma a couple of months ago. This will be our 10th xmas in our house and we have never spent it at home. The last 6 years we have gone to inlaws and I hate it. We spend the night so the kids have to leave all their toys and got to gps who think that entertaining kids means chucking them in front of dvds all day!

This year I tried to have a reasonable conversation with dh about but turned into huge row as he is adamant is going to his parents. I have told him that he can go if he wishes but dcs and I are staying at home. My eldest 2 really want this as well.

I took the cowards way out and waited until inlaws had gone on holiday to tell themBlush as thought it might soften the blow. But I know there is going to be drama from it as mil has not phoned or texted once since they been away and that is most unusual!

Dont care what any of them throw at me-have spent 13 years of going to inlaws for sunday dinner and now the worm has turned. Mwah ha ha!!

Original poster
mrsm123 · 15/10/2011 14:24

why has he decided this then?
if youre all happy with the arrangement why change it?
just tell your hubby you absolutely dont want to entertain 2 days in arow.
and i could well imagine your mum and dad being a bit puzzled as to why theyre being moved a day, seen as all worked so well.
have his parents gone off yours or something?

ps thats amazing you guys do that for both your families, you must live in a mansion!

OP posts: