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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Co-sleeping, DP doesn't want to

147 replies

hardboiledpossum · 12/10/2011 17:53

DS 8 months has started waking up multiple times in the night. If he sleeps in bed with us he sleeps fine and so do I. I'm exhausted from the night waking so often end up brining him in bed with us. DP thinks that he should sleep in his own bed but mostly leaves me to deal with the night wakings. He thinks we should do CC or just leave him to cry when he wakes up, which I do not want to do. AIBU to say that he either does half the night wakings (which I know he won't do) or I'm giving up on trying to get him to sleep in his cot and moving him in with us?

OP posts:

HappyJoy · 13/10/2011 15:00

no way would i sleep with a baby or a child

there is no need imo. You end up all sleeping very fitfully - its bad enough when the cat sleeps on the end of the bed, i am completely aware the whole time of nudging him off.

I dont blame your bloke one bit, shudders at the thought.

HappyJoy · 13/10/2011 15:01

DH is an adult, he can cope with a bit of "neglect"

and that probably goes a long way to explaining why so many relationships fail so quickly :)

NeedToCreepZZZ · 13/10/2011 15:18

i had to re-read this thread to believe it . cannot understand the mentality of some women that actually believe they are responsible for raising a child whilst fulfilling their poor lonely man's sexual needs (and presumably wearing a hairshirt). it is like the 1950's except you are no longer prescribed mother's little helper (and how our mother's must have needed them with all that to contend with).

hardboiledpossum it is a difficult one but i hope you and your dh can reach some decision together. my ds is 8 months and was waking up a lot in the night last week but seems to be back to normal now, my oh and i take it in turns to do night duty (as in one night on then one night off) which seems to work for us but everyone is different. good luck

loveglove · 13/10/2011 15:33

I'd love to know why it is so 1950s to want to have a happy relationship with your other half? Why is it 1950s to view your bed as an adult only place that you keep for the two of you to have a private space to be together whether it's for sex or not?

What's 1950s about wanting to keep your identity as a woman as well as embracing your role as a mother?

If people choose to co sleep etc that's their business, but it's not fair to label people who think differently as 1950s and backward.

minipie · 13/10/2011 15:40

loveglove what is 1950s is thinking that a husband has some sort of right to feel his wife's breasts and therefore his wife should stop breastfeeding.

Oh, and my identity as a woman has nothing to do with whether my DH gets to feel my breasts .

loveglove · 13/10/2011 15:51

God I would NEVER say that is a right thing to do mini

Original poster

hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 16:02

minipie, DP is aware of my objections to CC, I haven't said on here because I don't want to turn this into a argument on the rights and wrongs of CC and because I'm not going to change my mind so it would be pointless. I will try a night light and and old t shirt of mine, thank you

OP posts:

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 16:05

loveglove Carefull cos you are defending yourself when its not you who made the "maybe you should give your boobies back to your husband" comment which is extremely offensive to both women and men.You are coming from the angle of keeping your relationship fresh whilst still being parents which to some extent i do aggree with however its also normal for sex to take a back seat when babies are little especially if they dont sleep well.Its actually my dh who is too tired for sex if the baby has been up,but our relationship is about far more than sex and if we have to live a slightly baby orientated life for a few months then so be it.
You also hinted that men stray if they dont get enough sex which is extremely patronising to men and not nice to hear if you are struggling with a baby and sex is off the boil.
If my man cheated cos he wasnt getting it often enough id show him the door and remind him not to bang his arse on the way out
op i second the suggestion of joining our thread too,ive lost count of the times ive logged on at 5am feeling as if im the only one and been met with others who have had awfull nights as well.
I will link it in a mo.

Original poster

hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 16:06

MizK, Yes I think that is what he is thinking! Great idea about extra hours sleep in the morning, that would help a lot! I will look on that thread, thank you.

HappyJoy, so what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

OhdearNigel · 13/10/2011 16:12

I would also like to point out to the woman stuck in the 50s that boobies, rather like vaginas, are dual use items.
Are we able to be put off penises because they are also used for peeing ? A bit disgusting really if you think about it...

Moominsarescary · 13/10/2011 16:23

I think if you don't want to try cc fine, I did with ds 1 and ds2 when they were 18 months and 22 months because I both times I was turning into a zombie, it worked with both of them, I had made a rode for my own back though by hand holding, rocking etc

I do think it's pretty offensive when people say it just stops children crying when they want comfort because they know they won't get it, wtf both mine still cryed if they woke up in the night upset, I would comfort them settle them back into bed and they would happily go back to sleep on their own. Does anyone who did cc have dc that don't cry because of it?

In the same respect I would say if he doesn't want to cosleep then you should respect that, however he is going to have to start helping with the night time wakings

My cousin got into his parents bed every night until he was 12 and they finally told him enough is enough so not all dc decide to sleep in their own rooms at some point ( well he might have done by the time he was 16 who knows)

loveglove · 13/10/2011 16:36

Thanks for teh heads up bledkr.

I certainly do not think that women should stop breastfeeding so their men can get happiness from their boobs instead.

I do not think men cheat automatically because there is a lack of sex.

I only mentioned all the threads floating around recently that have said "we have got small baby/pregnant. There is limited to no sex. Man is/ i think he is going elsewhere" only because having seen all these is what made me think that sex might be a reason for a reluctant to co sleep DH.

NOT because I think men will automatically cheat without sex.

Original poster

hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 16:36

Moominsarescary, I haven't said why I don't want to do CC. If you went and comforted them when they were upset in the night then how is that CC though? I think my partner would rather co-sleep than start getting up in the night. I have given him the option and he has chosen co-sleeping for now.

OP posts:

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 16:37

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/a1315934-Feb-2011-the-one-where-Jane-gets-married-and-ALL-the-babies-sleep-through#27911978

op come and join us,we'd love to have you.

loveglove · 13/10/2011 16:39

I shouldn't have followed that link.

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 16:43

op haha,funny that he chose that Another reason that think its good for men to do their bit at night is so that they can understand how it feels.
We have a lot of different advice on our thread from co sleeping to just watching tv all night. I personally did give cc a try one night when things had got bad,dd was relentless and looked so confused that i couldnt stomach it. It works a treat for many and id give it another go if things got bad again.

loveglove didnt want you to get tarred with that brush
I agree we do see that on the boards but im guessing they would have cheated anyway eventually,i just hate to see their behaviour excused as if they cannot be held responsible for their unruly penis

havinhoops1974 · 13/10/2011 16:43

My 2 yr old comes in with us bascially every morning , I dont mind aslong as he goes to sleep in his cot and spends most of his night in his cot.

Original poster

hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 16:45

Bledkr thank you very much! I will read and join.

OP posts:

Moominsarescary · 13/10/2011 16:52

I used cc to get them to self settle when they were put to bed, for the first few nights when they woke up I would go into them to make sure they were ok then did the leaving them for a few minutes etc only had to do it for 3 days with both of them

Obviously children will still wake up some times, nightmares, toilet, drink on the rare occasions they did this I would go in and comfort them as I knew it wasn't that they just couldn't self settle like it was before I tried cc but was because something had upset them.

Ds3 is 7 months and has always self settled, he was prem and in neonatal though so wasnt picked up as much as the first two due to problems with him controlling he's temp. He still wakes up for a bottle in the night occasionally but goes back to sleep on his own without the rocking/ hand holding I had to do with his brothers. Ds3 does have a cuddle cloth that he's had since he was born though that he holds on to when he's gong to sleep so he could be using that for comfort

At 8 months I'm not sure I'd want to try cc, mine were alot older when I did it so I haven't read anything about how early you can start it.

Original poster

hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 17:02

He can self settle fine and always used to though. He does seem genuinely distressed when he wakes in the night and I would not feel comfortable leaving him to cry like that. I'm fine leaving him to have a little grizzle and a shout before he sleeps.

OP posts:

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 17:19

loveglove you can come too if you like

Sossiges · 13/10/2011 20:35

I have a single bed in DD's room and have found it a lifesaver. I feed her off to sleep (often dropping off myself) then go back to our room later on when she's asleep (or when I wake up [hblush]) When she was in her cot, it took me hours to get her to go to sleep, then she'd wake up every hour, and it would take me another hour or two to get her off again, I was completely knackered. I wouldn't do cc either.

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