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AIBU?

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Original poster

Co-sleeping, DP doesn't want to

147 replies

hardboiledpossum · 12/10/2011 17:53

DS 8 months has started waking up multiple times in the night. If he sleeps in bed with us he sleeps fine and so do I. I'm exhausted from the night waking so often end up brining him in bed with us. DP thinks that he should sleep in his own bed but mostly leaves me to deal with the night wakings. He thinks we should do CC or just leave him to cry when he wakes up, which I do not want to do. AIBU to say that he either does half the night wakings (which I know he won't do) or I'm giving up on trying to get him to sleep in his cot and moving him in with us?

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 13/10/2011 11:14

All 3 of ours came into our bed if they woke in the night. Our feel was that we would rather they were quiet and happy in our bed than screaming/crying in their own. It didnt last forever and each reached a stage where they wanted to stay in their own beds in their own good time.

DH and I were able to maintain our own relationship perfectly well. Though at this stage our sofa saw a lot more action than the bed!

Our three are all at secondary school and it has been many, many years since they even wanted to come into our room in daylight hours let alone at night!

hardboiledpossum in your situation I would initially settle DS in his own bed. If he wakes in the night then bring him into your bed. Once your DS is out of a cot he will make this choice for himself. It did seem to be a much calmer approach to us than all that uncontrolled screaming stuff.

Original poster
hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 12:10

GnomeDePlume and Bumpsadasie, I have still been settling him in his cot at night and then bringing him in to bed with us when I haven't been able to settle him. I think I'm just going to carry on doing this.

abendbrot, I think he wakes because he has nightmares ( I see him crying out in his sleep) and then I think he just doesn't want to be left on his own. I can't be sure though. He seems distressed when I go out of the room but he is happy if I sit and hold his hand.

Thank you BertieBotts and everyone else who has given advice!!

OP posts:
MrBloomsNursery · 13/10/2011 12:37

I conceived my current baby whilst co-sleeping with DD - she was in her own cotbed though, not actually IN our bed.
I'm a worry wart anyway - I couldn't have left DD alone in another room, as I regularly check her temperature and breathing when she's sleeping (I have issues).

When I was working f/t I was never tired at work because I always got a good nights sleep. I would b/f DD in bed laying down, so she would latch on and drink, and I would fall back to sleep.

I think the fact that DD actually ASKED to be moved into another room at the age of nearly 4 says alot. Children will know when they're ready to move away from their parents and it's not like they will be tied to mummy's apron strings forever. My DD is very independent and likes to do everything for herself.

loveglove · 13/10/2011 12:39

I just couldn't have sex with the baby/toddler in the room. I also couldn't feed the baby and fall asleep with them feeding - I'd be petrified of squashing them.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 13/10/2011 12:43

loveglove I couldn't have sex with the baby in the room either but isn't that what the settee is for [hsmile]. We usually end up having sex in the living room in front of the fire in the winter anyway as it's just too bloody cold upstairs!

Did do the feeding and sleeping though, barely even stirred when DD latched on and off and as long as you follow the guidelines there is nothing to worry about.

Whatmeworry · 13/10/2011 12:46

As I understand it you want co-sleeping and the child in your bed, DH wants to be in the bed and wants CC for the child. Both are valid choices. At the moment you have no intimacy. The child is 8 months old.

Given all that, IMO you are putting child ahead of DH. YANBU to want to do that, but YABU to think your DH doesn't have a valid viewpoint too and to think that recreating an intimate adult relationship isn't important.

MrBloomsNursery · 13/10/2011 12:47

My daughter started crawling at 5-6 months and after drinking she'd turn away - when I'd see she's finished I would pop her back into the cot. We had the cot without one side up so it was connected to our bed. Yes I must admit, I never slept whilst feeding her when she was a tiny baby in fear of squashing her.

loveglove - how do you feel about having sex whilst 6+ months pregnant when you start seeing your tummy jiggle as the baby moves? Just wondering.

loveglove · 13/10/2011 12:47

Jilted teehee sofa sex.

I think I worry because I am not a small person, especially in comparison to a mini one!

loveglove · 13/10/2011 12:49

MrBlooms It's not quite the same as having them in the room though is it? Like another poster said, I'd be uncomfortable if the dog/cat was there too. There is nothing wrong with me not wanting to do it with the little one in the room, just was you are free to sex away with them there. It's a personal thing isn't it?

Original poster
hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 12:55

Whatmeworry, We do have some intimacy and I never said that it isn't important!! I didn't mean to even mention our sex life. It's not as good as it was pre DS but it isn't terrible either. I think part of the reason we don't have sex as often is that I'm exhausted!! So me going back to waking up and re settling DS in his room wouldn't help our sex life much. Maybe I am putting DS ahead of my partner, I'm not sure. I do consider my partners views but I'm not willing to consider CC.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 13/10/2011 13:01

Think it is perfectly normal to put your child first so don't worry too much about that.

Could you explain how tired the night wakings are making you and say that if DS comes into your bed you are much happier and therefore look forward to things like a nice dinner together, a night out or sex? That's usually enough incentive for my DH [hgrin]. Alternatively you could tell him that if he's not happy with bed sharing then he really needs to help out with the wakings.

What is the reason he doesn't like bedsharing and is so keen on CC? Does he know someone who is very pro CC?

minipie · 13/10/2011 13:07

hardboiled does he have a nightlight?

OhdearNigel · 13/10/2011 13:09

DH often makes these sort of noises. DD goes down in the cot and comes in wiht us on the first waking as, working pretty much full time, I just don't have the energy to be up at night. When he starts off about it I make him get up the night instead of me - he soon changes his tune.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 13/10/2011 13:10

Funny you should say that mini our DS didn't have a nightlight and only got one when he was old enough to ask for it to be left on. He slept much better then [hblush].

Original poster
hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 13:10

Jilted, yes I think I might put it just like that. It's not that he insisting that I don't bring DS in to bed with us but just that he thinks it's better that he sleeps in his own room so he doesn't get too used to sleeping with us.

I think his sister has used CIO with her two and whenever any of my friends are round at bed time they always comment that I should just leave him to cry.

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 13/10/2011 13:24

"Maybe its about time you freed up those boobies for your spouse rather than your child - you are a wife as well as a mother"

Jeez, where do you live, 1955 ?

The OP's DH is an adult, he can cope with a bit of "neglect" as he has the ability to understand what is happening. Her 8 month old doesn't. A baby DOES need to come first - it's not as if they stay babies for ever. Once the baby doesn't require such 24/7 care then the balance can start to equalize. But at the moment her DH needs to take a back seat.

OhdearNigel · 13/10/2011 13:29

"I'd challenge anyone not to say that reclaiming their breasts as sexual / sensual parts of the body after bfeeding didn't make you feel like more of a sexual being and less of a milch cow "

There is no need to bring your breastfeeding issues onto this thread.

TheSecondComing · 13/10/2011 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 13:43

My partner doesn't really have a problem with me breast feeding, he has never asked me to stop. I enjoy breast feeding.

No night light but light is on in the hall and door open a bit. Do you think a light in his room might help?

Can babies have nightmares? He sometimes cries out in his sleep and this is when he wakes up normally.

I'm not willing to consider CC, I just don't want to do it. I know it is great for some families but it is not for me.

OP posts:
Bledkr · 13/10/2011 14:05

tsc I thought that the breastfeeders may not particularly aggree with the freeing up of boobies for their husbands pleasure.I certainly dont.

TheSecondComing · 13/10/2011 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 14:22

my body belongs to me too,never thought of anyone but me ownning it.I am still in shock at that comment,dh thinks its a troll.

TheSecondComing · 13/10/2011 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minipie · 13/10/2011 14:28

Well sounds like a nightlight is worth a try Smile. and maybe something cuddly that smells of you?

Have you explained to your DH why you don't want to do CC? (because tbh you haven't really explained on here Grin) Maybe he doesn't understand your objections?

Don't really see what breast feeding or sex has to do with this thread Confused since you've already said they are not why your DH doesn't want to co sleep.

MizK · 13/10/2011 14:48

OP you poor thing - you are exhausted and looking for advice, and get a ticking off for your selfishness - tsk, imagine bfing your 8 month old when your dh could be missing your 'boobies' (ugh, that word is a turn off if anything)...
I too have an 8 month old baby and have spent time in sleep deprived hell, it is horrid and I totally understand your wanting to co sleep if it helps. However, I don't think your DH is necessarily being mean by not wanting to cosleep. He probably has visions of a 15 year old sleeping between the two of you in the future and wants to keep your bed for the two of you! Maybe he can give you a bit more practical help because it is no fun doing all the night feeds alone. maybe like my DP he can get up with the baby in the mornings whilst you grab an extra hour of sleep?
FWIW some of us who have posted are on a lovely post natal thread for babies born in Feb 11 - you should pop on and you will see you are not alone in struggling with night waking.