Co-sleeping, DP doesn't want to

[hardboiledpossum]

DS 8 months has started waking up multiple times in the night. If he sleeps in bed with us he sleeps fine and so do I. I'm exhausted from the night waking so often end up brining him in bed with us. DP thinks that he should sleep in his own bed but mostly leaves me to deal with the night wakings. He thinks we should do CC or just leave him to cry when he wakes up, which I do not want to do. AIBU to say that he either does half the night wakings (which I know he won't do) or I'm giving up on trying to get him to sleep in his cot and moving him in with us?

Sorry I agree with your dh re the co-sleeping. I've seen the downside of it, and the negative effects it can have on family dynamics. I know i'll get flamed but that's my opinion, based on personal and professional experience.

It's his bed too, you can't insist your ds come in with you, there's no way i've ever been able to sleep with a child in my bed, it totally disrupts me. Also if you have the opportunity for a night "off" with your dh eg baby staying with gps you'll have difficulties. My friend a single mum is effectively chained to her dd because of co-sleeping and she's 5. Her Grandma would look after her dd but she has such hysterics because the co-sleeping is so embedded she can't.

That said he can't insist on cc either if that's not your way, they are 2 quite extreme ends of the same continuum! Your other option is to re-settle using patting/shushing etc. in his cot at night which may well help him self- settle eventually, and BOTH of you have to be up to it. Surely this is the compromise?

redskyatnight, yes I do see your point. I have tried other gentler methods of sleep training but they don't seem to be working. I feel like I have offered a compromise, him sharing the night wakings with me or me moving in to DS's room for a while. I am completely against doing CC though so I'm not going to change my mind on that.

minxofmancunia, I am offering the compromise you have suggested. But DP doesn't want to get up in the night and would rather co-sleep than do so.

He can seft settle sometimes and always used to and did used to sleep through the night most of the time between 14 and 26 weeks.

Yes, but if the DP is not willing to help and the OP has been dealing with this for 2 months. Sorry but the DP needs to back down. Or man up, but that seems pretty unlikely from what I have read.
OP needs sleep and this is how she can get it, job done.

we co slept with both it was fine, we needed sleep and by co sleeping got it.
Neither child would consider coming to our bed now, they stopped in their own time and it was stress free.

do what works best as a family.

DD went into her own room at 6 months. At 8 months she started waking and unable to settle so when she woke, I brought her into our bed and she settled straight away. This went on for about 6 weeks then she didn't want to be in our bed so she went back into her own room without any problem at all.

8 months is a big time for babies. They have so much mental and physical things going on that sometimes they just need you to have them near them.

My DP was an absolute angel about it and even sometimes slept on the sofa if DD was particularly bad, so that we could all get some sleep. He then went back to bed when we got up.

I have co-slept with all 4 of my dc. Each decamped to their own beds at different times. DD was 3.5yo, DS1 was 10mo, DS2 was 6mo, DS3 is 8.5mo, and still co-sleeping. It is never forever - they all want their own space in the end - how many 16yo's still co-sleep?!

I can understand you not wanting to do CC (I wouldn't either). I can understand your OH not wanting to share his bed. I can understand that gentler sleep-training methods haven't worked - BUT is it that they haven't worked because you have got so tired that you have ended up co-sleeping because you have had no nighttime help from your OH with the gentler sleep-training methods?

If the latter is the case, I would tell your OH that he needs to meet you halfway, if he doesn't want to co-sleep, then he NEEDS to be there helping 50-50 with a GENTLER method of sleep training. That is mid-way between your co-sleeping, and your OH's CC - a compromise. If he won't compromise - then co-sleep! He can't complain about the co-sleeping if He's not willing to help and compromise.

And BTW - you have an 8mo in another room? I have always had my dc in my room up to at least 1yo, be it co-sleeping OR in a cot.

I find they settle better when they can roll over in their cot and see you - separation anxiety peaks at 8-10mo. Usually gets a lot better after 10mo-ish.

Its Fine, My DH tried this but they needed a snuggle. Now they are 4 and 2, they are not in every night or anything. Although it has been known for us to wake up to a 4 in a bed scenario, it isnt the norm, they normally get in between 6-7 and put my telly on. It didnt harm them or make them want to sleep with us all the time. i am a bit wary of bringing the baby in at the mo in case one of the others jumps in - but i will when she isnt quite so teeny. Love those Sunday morning family snuggles. Love them!

Get him to read Three in a Bed.

Well my DD is well over 3 years old, nearly 4 and only recently has she moved from our room to her own, and that was after her telling me she wanted to sleep in her own room. We used to have her cot bed next to our bed and everyone slept happily.

She has not cried once since leaving our room. Infact, she will quietly get into bed, turn her night light on and sleep through the night and comes and wakes us up at 7am everyday.

I don't know why people force their children into their own rooms at such a young age. There seems to be some kind of idea that a child is "playing up" or "attention seeking" if they cry when they are alone. Well the sorry fact is, that they are scared, and if keeping them in your room stops them being scared, then I don't see any problem with co-sleeping.

If your DH doesn't like it, then he can wake up and handle it. Otherwise, you are right to keep DS with you.

Your DH is not being U here. I agree with him.

We did CC with our two boys and they are 5 and 3 and sleep all night. Neither of them have co-slept with us.

TheSecondComing, I have also offered to move in to DS's room so he does have he option of DS and me still co-sleeping and him not being disturbed in the night. I understand that I'm at home so it's fair that I do most of the night wakings but It's got to the point that I'm so exhausted and it's making me really moody which is impacting on our relationship.

ShriekingLisa, I know that lots of families see CC as the answer but its just not for me at all.

He is being u by thinking he can have a say in what happens at night but not help with it at all.If op is dealing with all the night wakings then she has the right to do what works for her and if he disaggrees he needs to man up and help implement it. Unbelievable!

co sleeping is natural, leaving your child to cc or cio isn't. Your DH doesn't have the maternal instinct or hormones that you have, and sounds like he is being conditioned what he thinks/has been told by ill-informed people how babies 'should' be.

Read Dr. Sears about sleep issues, he has some good advice. As a PP has said, there aren't any 16 year olds cosleeping, and most grow out of it naturally around 2-3 years old. It's such a short time in the space of your lives together, and such a precious time. I guess I'm lucky because my DH loves cosleeping, but then we get only a few precious hours each week with her as we both work full time.

genuine question - if you have the little ones in bed with you for 2-3 years, how does intimacy work between you as a couple?

Good compromise is to have DS in a cot at the side of your bed next to you.

We did that for first 12 months with DSs and worked well. We liked bringing DS1 into bed with us in the morning to be honest he wriggled so much and woke up the instant we moved that it was always uncomfortable and we could not have had him in all night. In fact. I was always really worried about rolling over and squashing him. DS2 was much easier to co-sleep with but we still used teh same routine with him.

It meant I could share the getting up and night feeding (FF and expressed breast milk obviously ) whilst still sitting in a warm bed without having to go and sit in some cold dark room elsewhere.

I am quite a stickler for routine at bed time so I do think establishing that early is important. I know a few couples that still co-sleep at age 9 and that is just wrong in my view. It promotes indiscipline and allows the children to dominate their parents. Parents have a right to some space.

MoreBeta, we don't have any space for his cot in our room. He's been in his own room since 10 weeks when he grew out of his moses basket. He stopped having milk in the night at about 12 weeks so he doesn't need feeding. He just seems to want cuddles in the night.

rubyrubyruby, what about my offer to move in to DS's room?

Anyone?

Could intimacy ie sex be a concern for your DH and a reason he's not keen on co sleeping?

I only ask because there are so many threads about cheating spouses at the minute and most of them say somewhere that there's none or very little sex.

can you move cot into your room???

I'm mixed on this.
With our first child we took it in turns in the night. Initially she would self settle but DH was unable to leave her for even the smallest time if she cried and gradually she got used to someone being there and lifting her. It was very frustrating.

I tried to get an agreement where we took it in turns to get up to her, night on, night off, but he wouldn't stick to it. Even on my nights at the first snuffle he was through in her room, comforting her. Sounds great? Maybe but then it could turn to 'and I'm always the one who gets up in the night' which wasn't fair. I would get up but I wanted to give her a chance to settle first. Ended up I was alert every night so I could get up first so he didn't give me grief for it always being him. I was tired and I was resentful as I felt he wasn't helping her to develop a good sleeping pattern AND he was expecting me to be grateful for it.

DD2 slept with us.

Okay, slight clarification, then.

Your DH is being unreasonable by not helping. Even if he does work, he could help at weekends, he could help for a short period while you implement some kind of sleep training, if that is what you choose.

Your DH is probably not being unreasonable by expressing a preference against co-sleeping. He's entitled to an opinion after all. The biggest problem seems to be that you don't seem able to discuss it, listen to each other and come to an agreement you're both happy with. I know I had a similar problem with XP (exactly the same dilemma actually!) but then he was just incapable of compromise in any form, everything was black or white. I suppose as well that as it's something I feel strongly about I wasn't backing down, but he wasn't listening to my arguments even when I was showing him I'd listened to his, thought about them and come up with answers/solutions or at least reasons why I didn't agree.

I think it can help (if you are able to sit down and discuss this) to try and not focus on each person's preferred method of dealing with it, since they are so dramatically opposed, and instead both state your problems and your end goal and then see if you can come up with some way which meets all of these. It doesn't have to be directly in the middle of the two current options, either, as long as you're both okay with the outcome.

loveglove - You can have sex when they are asleep, especially if you have some kind of setup where you have a bedside cot or extra single bed in the room. Or do it in another room (which tends to be more practical and less creepy when they are older) - I was actually single from when DS was 1 until he was 2, so when I met DP we spent a lot of time on the sofabed! Or at other times. When DS is at the childminder's but I have a day off uni. When his dad used to see him. When used to nap in the pushchair/on the sofa. When he's engrossed in playing trains. We have been known to set him up with some breakfast and CBeebies and go back to bed

I have a fair few friends who have conceived #2 when still co-sleeping with #1 - I don't know which approach they go for, but they must be managing it somehow. My bigger concern is WTF do you do when they get to be teenagers??

imo cs is an easy way out of a situation which with a bit of effort canbe solved by being firm and sticking to your guns.

At some point you will want the child to sleep on their own. why get them into a routine where they will expect to sleep with you. surely it is easier to train them into sleeping on their own fro the start