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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Co-sleeping, DP doesn't want to

147 replies

hardboiledpossum · 12/10/2011 17:53

DS 8 months has started waking up multiple times in the night. If he sleeps in bed with us he sleeps fine and so do I. I'm exhausted from the night waking so often end up brining him in bed with us. DP thinks that he should sleep in his own bed but mostly leaves me to deal with the night wakings. He thinks we should do CC or just leave him to cry when he wakes up, which I do not want to do. AIBU to say that he either does half the night wakings (which I know he won't do) or I'm giving up on trying to get him to sleep in his cot and moving him in with us?

OP posts:

ionysis · 13/10/2011 10:23

BTW OP - the above wasn't directed at you - i.e. implying that you let your baby dictate your life because I have no idea whether that is the case it was a general response to wiggles.

How are his teeth? Do you think it could actually be teething which is waking him in the night rather than separation anxiety?

Many husbands don;t like to voice their discontent because they don;t want to be seen as spoiled pets or bad fathers but many I think do feel rather pushed to one side by the baby. Some don;t even really recognise the reason they feel miffed they just put it down to tiredness, stress at work etc.

Maybe have a good (caring) talk with him and see if maybe this has more to it than the initially obvious issue of baby waking and the co-sleeping / CC argument.

worldgonecrazy · 13/10/2011 10:25

I'm just amazed the human race didn't die out through lack of intimacy caused by all that enforced cosleeping and breastfeeding that we had to do because there was no other option.

BertieBotts · 13/10/2011 10:25

I'm with bledkr. Exploding. Stepping away.

Also, yes, babies don't tend to notice or care if you're having sex in the room next to them. Once they get to about 18 months/2ish, depending on how observant they are it's probably best to stop.

And if a grown man can't put the needs of a baby before his own then god help your relationship, TBH.

notevenamOoOooOoooosie · 13/10/2011 10:25

You see your partner as "helping". Does he see it as "helping" as well. It is his child - he is NOT helping you out!
As for the sleeping, you need to try and have a non-tired discussion, and whatever you decide to try, all of you need to stick to it for at least a couple of weeks before you decide if it's worked.

TadlowDogIncident · 13/10/2011 10:26

Not sure why everyone has got diverted onto sex - if the OP is shattered, I imagine it's going to be the last thing on her agenda. I was so tired when DS was 8 months that I just wanted to die, and DH wasn't stupid enough to suggest having sex!

I think OP has offered a reasonable compromise and if her DP won't accept it, co-sleeping seems the way to go because it means she'll be less exhausted. Sleep deprivation is just horrendous: why suffer it unless you really can't avoid it?

BertieBotts · 13/10/2011 10:26

Bledkr I love your post of 09:41, BTW. That's similar to how things works in our house. Flexible, sharing, each person picking up the slack when the other is extra tired or busy or whatever.

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 10:27

Is your dh's groping of your breasts more important than the nourishment of your child in their first year.Now i usually disaggree with most of the millitant breast feeders ( i am formula feeding) but why are mens sexual needs seen as anymore important than a womans? Its so patronising to men imo.
The infant years the baby does need to come first yes,absolutley.
It is possible to experience dips and troughs in your sex life without the man scurrying into the arms of another woman you know.
I had a double mastectomy for cancer,my dh didnt have an affair cos he could no longer do without boobs. During chemo i didnt fel very sexual,we were still close and loving.Our baby will be having surgery in 2 weeks,we probably wont have sex for weeks whilst she is in hospital and recovering,we will still be ok tho cos he like me is mature and perfectly able to cope with a lack of sex for a period of time if it means putting others first.

ionysis · 13/10/2011 10:28

If you are happy having sex with your baby in tyhe bed then good for you. Personally I think its utterly bizarre - I can't say I appreciate it very much even if its the dog sitting there staring aat us - and I'd be constantly worried about baby rolling / falling off bed / getting in the way / waking up etc. Not many orgasms likely in that scenario. I guess if you are satisfied with a 2 minute silent missionary hump on one edge of the matress its no problem.

Mimmee · 13/10/2011 10:29

OP FWIW I'm in a similar situation. DD is 7 mo and will sometimes sleep well in her own cot in her own room BUT when she does wake and won't settle I do bring her into bed despite having had no intention to ever co-sleep.

DP doesn't like it much but would never tell me not to do it, the way I see it I'm the one getting up in the night and am just doing whatever works to maximise sleep for all of us. DP was off work last week and helped out at nights - after an hour of trying to settle her in her own room he brought her into bed with us anyway!

I do think you need to do whatever feels right to you at the moment, as PP have said it won't last forever.

And 8 months is not "such a long time" to be breastfeeding at all , it's actually a tiny proportion of time of your life together. I agree intimacy is very important in a relationship (not to stop your partner cheating though FFS) but that doesn't have to be affected by having your baby in bed with you.

We never do it in the bed anyway...........

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 10:35

ionysis Just curious.As the ft worker and your dh being the sahd,do you leave it to him to do all the night waking when the babies are little,or if they are ill in the night cos you have had ahard day at work and he hasnt,he has just been at home?I am genuinely interested btw,and others with sahd's.

ionysis · 13/10/2011 10:35

I don't see how it is "the man's sexual needs being more important than the woman's". Regardless of my husband's feelings, personally I'd far rather have my breasts groped by him than gnawed by an 8 month old any day - but each to their own.

Nor have I suggested that boobs (big, small, milky or even in existence at all) are necessary to a good sex life. I'd challenge anyone not to say that reclaiming their breasts as sexual / sensual parts of the body after bfeeding didn't make you feel like more of a sexual being and less of a milch cow and might just kick start marital intimacy again.

BertieBotts · 13/10/2011 10:35

Yes, sometimes a short/slow, quiet shag can be nice. Or you could actually read the post where I mentioned all the other options.

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 10:37

Incidentally i would also not want to do it when kids are in the room but the sofa or rug in front of the fire always seem more exciting to me anyway.Im also not too keen on co sleeping but am still shocked at some womens opinions of men and their needs.

Bumpsadaisie · 13/10/2011 10:37

My DD went in her own cot in own room at 6 mths, having been in cot next to our bed since about three months (before that she slept in with me and DH was in the spare bed).

I tended to settle her in her room if I could do it quickly but if it was turning into a long haul (over 30 mins) the agreemnent was she would come in bed with me and DH would decamp to the spare bed again. At least then I was lying down in bed and getting rested.

We never managed three in a bed and we never co slept from the off, and after the newborn stage we only brought her in our bed if she wouldn't settle. So it was a sort of half way house.

Could you consider doing sth like this?

BTW DD started sleeping through reliably at about 21 months. By 2 years she was in her big bed in her own room and was like a little kid really - story, kiss, she cuddled down and I closed the door! This was inconceivable and we were so surprised that she was just ready to do it one day (esp given we had always taken the "easy" way out if she wouldn't sleep).

Children go through phases with sleep anyway. You think youve cracked it and then they have an "off" month. Its always good to revert to bringing them in bed with you if they are in a bad sleep phase.

TadlowDogIncident · 13/10/2011 10:38

Bledkr, DH is SAHD and does most of the night waking now, but that's because DS won't settle for me! I used to do it all when I was still breastfeeding at night, then when we dropped the night feeds DH took over. I get up with DS in the morning and leave DH to get a bit more sleep - even on work days we can usually manage it so he catches an extra hour or two, and he gets lie-ins on weekends if he needs them.

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 10:39

bertie do you fancy a
Im just waiting for the breast feeders to find this thread.Where is hairfullofsnakes when you need her.
Still it makes a nice change for me to be on the side of the bf's.

abendbrot · 13/10/2011 10:41

If DS was sleeping alone, have you thought about why he has suddenly started waking again?

ionysis · 13/10/2011 10:42

DH works part time some days (he works for himself) so we tend to share everything pretty equally and take it in turns. When I get home from work I immediately take over the childcare and do bath and bedtime as he has had enough of being Daddy by then.

If night waking occurs (only a handful of times in the last year) we both get up depending on how knackered the other is. As a poster said earlier about her situation my H does not do well on lack of sleep (tend to be a moody git) so I'd probably get up more often than he does just to avoid the bear with a sore head effect the next day.

He does mornings because it drives me nuts if I have to be dealing with the baby and can't get myself ready so am late for work - his hours are flexible whereas I have to be in at 8am.

We have been lucky and as we have always had fixed routines which have worked brilliantly. By 3 months there WAS no waking in the night after the 11pm feed.

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 10:43

tadlow thats kind of how we work it.Dh usually kicks in when he hears the tone of my voice change i dont mind the early mornings tbh its the 3am like this mornings that i object to,have to say dh is incredulous that some men leave it all to their wives.Maybe i just got lucky,i think his dad got up with them a lot,his Mumsaid that when they could speak they never called her,only him.

ionysis · 13/10/2011 10:44

Bugger the men - I have my OWN needs which would definitely not be compatible with either co-sleeping or breastfeeding at this point!

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 10:48

ion Id say luck and personality is more to blame.
DD is my 5th child,all the others had a strict routine from birth,no eyecontact in the night,no nappy change,lights very dim,they all slept 12 hours by 12 weeks.
DD2 dc5 has had the same routines maybe even stricter and has never really slept too well.

Dh does his bit cos he feels sorry for me if im up too long and appreciates my need for sleep is as important as his.I also recognise when he needs it more such as on a long day the next day or feels unwell,it works well for us.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 13/10/2011 10:51

YANBU. DS is too young for CC even if you were to go down that route.

DH either does the night wakings or puts up with him being in bed. There is no reason at all that he should be made to sleep in a dark room away from you. He's telling you both he doesn't like it!

There is some good information on sleep here and perhaps you could get DH to read this book....

loveglove · 13/10/2011 10:53

Bugger the men - I have my OWN needs which would definitely not be compatible with either co-sleeping or breastfeeding at this point!

I'm with you on that.

loveglove · 13/10/2011 10:54

*Yes it is important to maintain an adult relationship, I put my daughter to bed, talked to my husband, watched tv, read etc. Went to bed, sometimes had sex, my daughter woke up in the middle of the night, I brought her into bed with us, all happy. My daugher sleeping in with us didn't affect our adult relationship, us getting no sleep while she screamed did.

I have nothing against formula, all 3 of my daughters use/used it.*

Good to know, I was genuinely curious as to how people managed to get it all in!

BertieBotts · 13/10/2011 11:00

Oh I can take that side too. Still feeding my 3 year old. Still, have managed to cultivate a new relationship - and the sex life that usually comes with it - over the last year! (And none of that sex has been in front of DS, in case anybody is worrying.)

Yeah I have no idea where this thread is even going. Poor OP seems to have given up.

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