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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co-sleeping, DP doesn't want to

147 replies

hardboiledpossum · 12/10/2011 17:53

DS 8 months has started waking up multiple times in the night. If he sleeps in bed with us he sleeps fine and so do I. I'm exhausted from the night waking so often end up brining him in bed with us. DP thinks that he should sleep in his own bed but mostly leaves me to deal with the night wakings. He thinks we should do CC or just leave him to cry when he wakes up, which I do not want to do. AIBU to say that he either does half the night wakings (which I know he won't do) or I'm giving up on trying to get him to sleep in his cot and moving him in with us?

OP posts:
Original poster
hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 09:20

loveglove, we're barely intimate as it is, I'm still breast feeding partially and I think he finds it a bit of a turn off. I suppose it could be a concern of his though, I'll ask him. I imagine that if we were co-sleeping we would still find a time/place (nap times or on the sofa?) to be intimate if we really wanted to though.

Not room for cot in our room.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 13/10/2011 09:21

Okay loveglove, and hopefully, you have a partner who is respectful of the fact that maybe you don't feel like having sex much right now, for whatever reason, and doesn't use it as an excuse to cheat or put pressure on for sex Angry

BertieBotts · 13/10/2011 09:30

mini Because they grow out of it WHEN THEY ARE READY! How is that not easier? They just do it, magically, by themselves!

Sorry I just get annoyed with this thing that co-sleeping is some terrible thing when actually lots of people don't mind it at all. I don't get why cots are seen as the norm. I think they are the most ridiculous, illogical piece of baby kit ever. I mean, your baby will need to sleep in a bed eventually. Why bother having to go through this whole process of either teaching them how to sleep in a cot, which they hate, or when they fall asleep on you, you have to do gymnastic lowering them in without waking them, when they wake in the night you have to go and get them out of it, and then again either do this gymnastic levering to get them back in without waking them up, or trying to get them to fall asleep in them, all when you're half asleep and really want to be doing as little as possible, and then having a nightmare when they go into a bed because they constantly fall out or get out?

Why not just put them in a bed where they want to be (with you) from the beginning? And then move them into a bed of their own, with no arguments or fuss, when they are ready? I don't go around berating people for using cots though. I'm sure it works fine for them, otherwise they wouldn't bother.

Original poster
hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 09:32

minimisschief, I do understand that but I have been trying for ages to get him to sleep in his own room. He always used to. He just seems to want cuddles in the middle of the night. I don't really know what else to do??l I'm now too exhausted to spend hours each night trying to settle him.

loveglove, I'm not at all worried about my partner leaving me or having a affair. We are happy and he is a wonderful man.

When we talk about DS's sleep he doesn't really seem to have any suggestions. I

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 13/10/2011 09:35

We shared our bed with dd2, I tried everything including cc with her, I slept in her room, varied her routine etc, nothing worked. I avoided having her in bed with us for the first nine months of her life, I didn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time - it was hell. I was a crap Mum, a tired wife and a miserable person. I relented and took her in with us, she slept so much better and as a result so did I.

She slowly started to improve, after a few months, she would go down in her own cot and then when she woke up, I took her in with us therefore we still had the bed to ourselves for the first part of the evening. She is now 3 and goes to her own bed at 7pmish and that's her until the morning, she did it herself when she was ready. She wasn't waking up to feed (she was formula fed), she wanted the company. We also had no room in our bedroom for her cot.

Dd1 was a fab sleeper, dd3 is in between Grin.

worldgonecrazy · 13/10/2011 09:38

loveglove let me assure you that cosleeping has no negative effect on intimacy. There is always the sofa, the spare room, the bathroom, the kitchen, the floor in front of the telly, when LO gets older nights away at hotels . . . . .

In response I would ask loveglove do you really ONLY have sex with your partner in your bed? Couldn't the contrary viewpoint say that being a boring lover is more likely to lead to a partner looking for excitement elsewhere . . . . .

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 09:41

Ah these poor men,they cant help themselves from cheating if there is no regular sex bless their cottons.

Op he is turned off by breast feeding and doesnt help you in the night?He sounds like a gem Confused

I have never co slept with any of my 5 but the last one has been such a bad sleeper that id have done it had she not hated it.
My dh helps me in the night.I am on mat leave to look after our baby in the day.I do school runs,shopping,cooking,most of the cleaning,all daytime childcare,i need my sleep as much as he does,if people are kind to each other it works.
If dh is on a late shift he gets up in the night but i take over when i get up so he can sleep more.If he is on an early i get up with her,if he is on a day off we take it in turns. The result is that we still have agood relationship including a sex life cos we share the tiredness which i think is better in the long run.

skybluepearl · 13/10/2011 09:42

We have done bits and bobs of co -sleeping to suit what ever my little one needed. We did however do a gentle version of CC at the same age and my boy seemed to cope really well. DH took charge and kept son in cot in our room but sang to him/held his hand/put his hand on his chest and stayed with him. Kept light off, didn't pick him up and it took about three nights of several wakes (Thursday, Friday and Saturday). DH doing it stopped me from breast feeding to sooth and allowed me to sleep in the guest room for a change. I took over each morning about 7 and DH went back to bed. it was very kindly done and we are much more refreshed as a result. Son sleeps well with ease now and what a great skill it is. Before doing this the multiple wakes were starting to make me feel down. If dh isn't going to help at night then either route is hard to be honest though. You need to decide which route and give it a good running - a week or so at least.

loveglove · 13/10/2011 09:43

Ok everyone can stop having a go at me now.
It was a genuine question, and it might be a genuine concern for your DH and a valid reason for not wanting to co sleep. I am simply trying to look at what might be his reasoning for not co sleeping.

Thanks for the intimation I am a boring lover, I appreciate it.

If you have children in the house, the private space and time you get to have sex is generally the bedroom, at night, which is why I ask.

Or do you all do it swinging from the curtains with the baby watching?

loveglove · 13/10/2011 09:44

Sex is an important factor in why people cheat Bledkr.

loveglove · 13/10/2011 09:45

And I am NOT saying your partner will run off and have an affair! I was writing down where the thought came from that it could be sex is all.

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 09:51

lovelove Its not! People cheat for various reasons and many cheat their arse off whilst having fabulous sex with their partners,see that on the boards too.
My point is that we need to get away from seeing men as helpless little beings with no control over their desires and actions.Cheating is a choice,mostly done in cold blood and with lots of deception and arranging involved,it mostly doesnt happen in the heat of the moment when the desire is too great to resist due to lack of previous orgasms.
Maybe they would be less likely to cheat if society didntexcuse their behavour.
In no way wish you to feel like im having a go at you,thats not my style.I just feel strongly about this form personal experience Sad

Original poster
hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 09:53

Bledkr, my partner is lovely and he does help out loads just not much at night. He looked after DS all of last weekend while I was in Paris though! He does have lots on at the moment. I don't want to sound like i'm complaining about him because he really is fab, we just have different opinions on this.

OP posts:
loveglove · 13/10/2011 09:55

I don't see men like that at all, believe me I've had my own experience. I know there are many reasons etc, but I do think sex is a factor.

I really don't think that a man will instantly run off and have an affair if there's no sex, I was just explaining where my thought process was coming from, and trying to see potential reasons for OP's DH's issue with co sleeping.

I'll probably get flamed for saying this, but I can see why breast feeding might be a turn off for some men. I'm not saying it's right mind you.

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 10:04

Im off now Grin i dont like those annoying posters who just stir everyone up,im not like that at all. truce loveglove Smile
Of course he's a good man op i just struggle to see how he can object to trying co sleeping when its poor you who is coping with the night wakes thats all. If you are breast feeding its often better if the Dad goes at night cos baby doesnt associate him with milk. My dd is 8 months and we had great sucess with shush pat-im guessing you know what that is.When she woke numerous times in the night we shush patted her back to sleep when we could and after a few nights she stopped waking as much if at all. Also i found an accidental late night meant that she was so tired it was easier to get her back to sleep.

ionysis · 13/10/2011 10:04

If you are barely intimate, you're still breastfeeding and he works while you are at home then I understand completely why he would feel even more like he is being pushed aside and having "his space" invaded by the baby by you bringing it into the bed. It sounds like your life and priorities revolve around the baby not you as a couple. Perhaps that needs to be rebalanced somewhat.

Are you sure your husband's needs are being considered alongside those of the baby? I can understand minimal intimacy in the first few week but not MONTHS after the birth. Could he deep-down be feeling neglected? Maybe its about time you freed up those boobies for your spouse rather than your child - you are a wife as well as a mother. And maybe spend more time on regaining sexual intimacy in your bed rather than making that too a "baby space".

Persoanally our bed is OUR space - ADULT space. DD has slept in her own cot in her own room since she was 3 days old and has NEVER been in our bed to sleep. She also has most all her naps in her cot. As she has never known any other way she sleeps perfectly 12 hours 99 times out of a 100. If she does wake I check on her to make sure she isn't wet / hurt / ill and then she would be left to put herself back to sleep - which she has learned to do because we never did rocking or patting or pacifiers or any other external sleep assistance.

Also I have known plenty of couples whose baby is still in the bed at 3 or 4 years old. Why anyone would want to do that to themseves or their marriage I cannot understand.

loveglove · 13/10/2011 10:10

Ionysis has said what I was thinking but obviously not managing to say very well Blush

rubyrubyruby · 13/10/2011 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 10:12

no loveglove you put it better. free up those boobies for your spouse is truly shocking. Im defo off now before i implode.

wigglesrock · 13/10/2011 10:12

Maybe its about time you freed up those boobies for your spouse rather than your child - you are a wife as well as a mother. How is life in the 1950s these days?

Bledkr · 13/10/2011 10:13

wiggles that is so funny,please put it on the thread.

Original poster
hardboiledpossum · 13/10/2011 10:16

ionysis, I'm going to have a think abut everything you said, you may have point about my priorities, i'm not sure. I do want everyone to be happy I just don't know how to do that!

It is only recently that I've been brining DS in to out bed though. I never rocked, patted or fed DS to sleep either, he could self settle from six weeks and slept through from about 12. It was when he reached about six months that everything changed and he does seem genuinely scared when I leave him in his room on his own. So recently I have tried shush and pat and singing to him which does get him to sleep but he will still wake up numerous times in the night.

OP posts:
loveglove · 13/10/2011 10:18

"Maybe its about time you freed up those boobies for your spouse rather than your child - you are a wife as well as a mother. How is life in the 1950s these days?"

This POV I don't understand. Surely it is equally important to maintain your adult relationship?

ionysis · 13/10/2011 10:19

I work full time and my husband is the SAHD so I wouldn't say I live in the 1950s. What I do do is put my marriage on a par with my kids in terms of priorities because if one of you is unhappy everything is 100 times harder.

So many couples seem to let their children dictate their routine when it should be the other way round. You then end up totally reactive and firefighting when problems arise.

I value my evenings with my spouse - to have dinner together, talk, have a glass of wine and spend quality time together. So we have always had a strict routine with bedtime at 7pm. I value my intimate relationship with my husband so there are no kids in the bed. Ever.

Formula is not the devils food and breastfeeding to 8 months is a good achievement. If breastfeeding is affecting the intimacy in a marriage (and I can easily see why it would - especially after such a long time) then to me it is more of a negative than a positive.

wigglesrock · 13/10/2011 10:22

Yes it is important to maintain an adult relationship, I put my daughter to bed, talked to my husband, watched tv, read etc. Went to bed, sometimes had sex, my daughter woke up in the middle of the night, I brought her into bed with us, all happy. My daugher sleeping in with us didn't affect our adult relationship, us getting no sleep while she screamed did.

I have nothing against formula, all 3 of my daughters use/used it.