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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

thi think that you don't own your children and shouldn't randomley move the goalposts for access

54 replies

mrskeithlemon · 12/10/2011 10:17

DP's exp has decided we are no longer allowed to see his children at our house any more. This means my ds will suffer also, as well as the fact that if he wants to see them he has to go to his ex marital home to do so.

IAIBU to think that the kids are not her possessions and she should not be allowed to treat them as such?

I think DP should stick up for himself in this case and tell he he bloody well is having them at our house

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 12/10/2011 10:21

Depends on her reasons for her decision... if its just a whim or being awkward that is VU. If you have a big dog, or razor wire, etc., maybe she's simply protecting the child she's a guardian of?

I'm not being difficult, my ex housemate had a truly evil exW and I saw the constant changing of goal posts over 10 years and the affect it had on him... happy ending though, kids aren't daft, his DD is 21 now and extremely close to her dad, and a lot more distanced from her mum.

KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 10:26

YANBU she is using the children as a weapon in whatever her agenda is. Unless there is some good reason then it is really unfair. Both on your dp and on the children too.
He should stick up for himself and consider taking legal advice. If they have previously stayed over with him then the court will see no reason to change the status quo. It is unlikely to get to court though, we had a similar issue but dp got a very reasonable but to the point solicitors letter sent and suddenly she was fine afterwards.

niceguy2 · 12/10/2011 10:37

To be fair, there's no enough information here to say who is BU.

What are her reasons for making her demands? If there are safety concerns then obviously that's different from her just trying to control your DP.

If it's simply a case of control then I suggest you don't accept her terms and get a solicitor involved.

What does your DP say? I'm not being funny but your DP's actions will speak louder than his words. In other words, is he incensed and threatening to go legal, get court order etc. Or is he going to just roll over and accept it?

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 12/10/2011 11:18

Looks like he is going to roll over and accept!

There is no reason. her 6 yo told her that I threw a plate at her daddy. Untrue. She refuses to listen.

She has been wanting dp back for some time now. Guess you don't know what you have got till its gone

OP posts:
KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 11:22

Have you relatively recently moved in and therefore been spending more time with her kids?
My partner found that the problems seemed to coincide with us getting serious. Despite that fact that his ex was already married to someone else and had a new baby. There was no other reasonable explanation for her behaviour.

WibblyBibble · 12/10/2011 11:24

Yeah, ok, if she has reason (which obviously she does, as her child told her) to suspect that there is domestic violence going on there, then she's perfectly justified. You're making yourself look like an unreasonable liar, just in case you didn't realise it. Maybe if you act rationally and stop pretending something is 'for no reason' when there clearly is a reason then people will be less likely to believe that you throw plates at people?

JacquesDerrida · 12/10/2011 11:25

I think this is between your DP and his children's mother.

It's really nothing to do with you. You get to choose whether to be involved, partly on the basis of how he handles this sort of thing.

It's not for us to say if she is being unreasonable or not.

You do sound quite cross but that might be justified or it might be you're a generally cross person, but if my kids were spending time with you I would hope you would be less scary when situations like this arose...the way you sound makes me think you may not be helping matters.

Sorry if I'm completely wrong.

JacquesDerrida · 12/10/2011 11:26

'She has been wanting dp back for some time now. Guess you don't know what you have got till its gone'

Oh nice, really nice Hmm

Look I wouldn't like my kids to be within 5 miles of you if you spoke about me like that

SnapesMistress · 12/10/2011 11:29

She does have a reason then! What would you do in her situation?

cestlavielife · 12/10/2011 11:34

"her 6 yo told her that I threw a plate at her daddy"

so what really happened?
why would her dd say such a thing?
children dont make things up for the sake of it? she may have misinterpreted a situation but it would be a bizzarre thing to come out with for no reason. the 6 year old saw or ehard something ....

were plates thrown yes or no?

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 12/10/2011 11:36

I would sit down and talk about it. I would accept that the adults are not lying. If the dc continued to tell tales of dv then obviously things would be different. But she has no reason to think the kids have anything other than a lovely time when they are with us because they do.

i wont get involved because its not my place to do so. I am not cross - I am upset for dp.

Before anyone asks, they were seperated for 2.5 years before we met. They lived together for a long time after they split

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 12/10/2011 11:36

Hang on what have i missed???

Nothing the Op has said or done means she has done anything wrong.

Op how long have you two been an item?
How long has your partner and his ex been split?
Are you the other woman?
Why did his child say that in the first place?
(bearing in mind children do tell lies to try and get their parents back together)

Until these questions have been answered then no one can really judge

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 12/10/2011 11:37

No plates were thrown. We really aren't that type of family! A plate wouldn't get thrown regardless of whether children were present or not.

OP posts:
ChildofIsis · 12/10/2011 11:37

This is interesting to me because my stbxh will want my DD to stay with him and his mistress when they start living together.
I have said catergorically no.

She is an old friend and IMO is not fit to parent DD after what they've both been up to for years.

I do not want DD growing up thinking it's ok to have a relationship with someone you know to be married with a small child, whilst appearing to be said wife's friend.

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 12/10/2011 11:39

I wasn't her friend and they were not together when we met. Just to clarify.

OP posts:
ChildofIsis · 12/10/2011 11:43

I realised that , however these sort of threads help me to see all sides of the access issue.
It's such an emotive one.

Clearly you want what's best for your DP and his kids.
It does seem as though there's an ulterior motive behind all this.
I do hope you get this sorted out so that you all get pretty much what you want.

HappyJoy · 12/10/2011 11:45

why would the kid say that out of the blue?

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 12/10/2011 11:47

If I knew why HappyJoy we wouldn't be in this awful situation. Only her mother has spoken to her about it. DP (or me) have not.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 12/10/2011 11:49

some do because they say things they think their parents want to here,
for example my boy told his mum that i over took lorries and nearly crashed into a gate when i picked him up.
I heard the conversation whilst he was on the phone to his mum.
He was only five but his mum was coaching him and getting him to say things.
He just thought he was telling his mum what he wanted to hear.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 12/10/2011 11:50

Did you drop a plate? Can you think of any reason why the child might have said that you'd thrown a plate? Were you messing around?

She actually isn't being unreasonable if she truly believes there is trouble that is being kept from her. She's not saying he can't see the child, she's saying that she has been told something by her child that has given her cause for concern and she wants access to be at her house.

That may only be a short term thing. Be accomodating. Go with it. Show her that this isn't what she thinks it is.

If she persists, then go to court and have the court rule on access.

KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 11:52

The mother of my partners child made up a load of stuff that the child apparently said. The child readily admitted that mummy told him to write it, after it had all blown over and been sorted.
Not saying that in this case the mum is lying, but if you are telling the truth perhaps there is some sort of misunderstanding. He needs to sort it out with her. You should support him but not interfere into their business.

MrSpoc · 12/10/2011 11:53

Also the Ex wife could be lying so she can control things. No one has heard this from the kid except the ex.

loveglove · 12/10/2011 11:54

*This is interesting to me because my stbxh will want my DD to stay with him and his mistress when they start living together.
I have said catergorically no.

She is an old friend and IMO is not fit to parent DD after what they've both been up to for years.

I do not want DD growing up thinking it's ok to have a relationship with someone you know to be married with a small child, whilst appearing to be said wife's friend.*

I am sorry for you, but this isn't right. Your DD has every right to stay with her dad. That is ridiculous using your bitter feelings in this way. If you bring your DD up right she will know what's right and wrong.

MrSpoc · 12/10/2011 11:56

but is it not her business also? Op are you married to him or how long have you been together? (if its only recent then yes stay out of it)

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 12/10/2011 11:56

the only thing dp and I can think of is that I smash something nearly everytime I wash the dishes and we do have a joke about it because dp wont let me get out of washing up and says he is happy to keep buying new crockery if it means I take my turn at washing up

his other dc is 12. Would be interesting to see what she has to say to dp

OP posts: