thi think that you don't own your children and shouldn't randomley move the goalposts for access

[mrskeithlemon]

DP's exp has decided we are no longer allowed to see his children at our house any more. This means my ds will suffer also, as well as the fact that if he wants to see them he has to go to his ex marital home to do so.

IAIBU to think that the kids are not her possessions and she should not be allowed to treat them as such?

I think DP should stick up for himself in this case and tell he he bloody well is having them at our house

mrsspoc I have only been with him for 18mths and living together for 6

if you keep smashing things when washing up have you thought about going to the doctors. (I really do not want to alarm you but my mum had a brain tumour and that was a syptom she had).

What has the 12 year old said about this?

As a lone parent with care I wouldn't be allowing my child to go to your house if she was adamant that you'd thrown a plate at anyone. I'm not suggesting for a moment that you did or that you're lying when you deny it but the mother isn't to know that, is she?

Look at it from her point of view. Then, having done that, silently, maintain that silence... because it really has nothing to do with you, it's between the child's parents.

I am just clumsy mrsspoc always have been. I am also shakey due to meds that I have to take

We haven't spoken to his dc. I don't think he even wants to approach the subject.

child of isis I can understand your feelings but I think you are in the wrong. Once you and your ex split up, he has the right to have his daughter stay over, regardless of what you think of his choice of partner. You can't use your disapproval or your hurt feelings against your daughter having a normal relationship with her dad. He is parenting her, yes his new partner will be around, but it is him that has parental responsibility. When you break up with someone you don't get a say in their future relationships.

mrskeithlemon hmm as I said, this might be due to you having recently moved in. I know other people where this has created a real issue with contact arrangements. In our case they had been split up for several years before I even met him and she had been with another man for most of that time, but didn't stop her causing problems. All is fine now though thankfully, it was sorted out within a couple of months.

i think he must to confirm what the heck is going on.

I di find it alarming that he hasnt spoken to the kids yet. What else has the kids told thier mum???

Love glove, I'm not denying her the right to stay with her dad, She can whilst he lives alone. I do not want her with a woman who broke up our 28 year relationship.
We've only been split a few weeks and for now it stays as it is.

The gory details of their affair need to be allowed to settle before I allow DD to be any more upset by what her Daddy has done.

For what it's worth he has continuous access to her, for now I do not want her near OW.

He had an affair, he chose to leave the marital home.
Me and DD have done nothing wrong and I will not have her dragged through the mill because of the situation.

I can sympathise with what you're feeling in this situation. It must feel horrible to think that there is some sort of question mark, completely undeserved, to be hanging over your head about your ability to look after a child.

However, the only way you can deal with this is to be the bigger person. While it's great that you're prepared to get involved and support your DP, it has to be him that handles it. If you step in and she does think you're prone to violence, she'll see that stepping in as proof that her X is unable to stand up to you and therefore unable to protect her DC. That's not unreasonable on her behalf at all. She's just looking out for her child.

All you can do is let your DP talk to her and the child at the X's house and explain. If she's a reasonable person the truth of the matter will eventually come out and she'll change her mind.

MrSpoc this all happened last night. He hasn't seen the dc's since. He is seeing them later this week though.

loveglove, can I challenge your way of thinking?

You say that IYO the OW "is not fit to parent" your DD.

Regardless of the reasons why you don't want DD to have any contact with her I would argue that no partner or spouse of the father of your child (or mother, if roles are reversed) should be parenting that child.

The job of parenting should be the responsibility of the parent with care and, as appropriate, the absent parent and not the absent parent's partner. Your child is nothing to do with them.

DBF "loveglove, can I challenge your way of thinking?

You say that IYO the OW "is not fit to parent" your DD.

Regardless of the reasons why you don't want DD to have any contact with her I would argue that no partner or spouse of the father of your child (or mother, if roles are reversed) should be parenting that child.

The job of parenting should be the responsibility of the parent with care and, as appropriate, the absent parent and not the absent parent's partner. Your child is nothing to do with them."

Hey hey hey whoah there - read back and you will see that wasn't me but a quote from child of isis I was challenging!

ChildofIsis. Your situation is all too common but being blunt you are in the wrong. You are being very unreasonable to say he cannot see his own child unless he lives alone or with someone you approve of.

Just because you have been wronged does not give you the right to make such demands. If he took it to court, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on. It's just hurt feelings which is clouding your judgement and nothing to do with what's best for your daughter.

What said it's only been a few weeks so your feelings are understandable. Longer term though you will need to address the above.

OP, the fact your DP seems to be just rolling over and accepting it should be ringing alarm bells. What sort of committed devoted father would allow anyone (even the mum) to dictate demands without good reason? At the very least he should be calling her and demanding they talk it through.

loveglove was quoting someone upthread and disagreeing with her point of view but I think because her bolding didn't work you have misunderstood her.

Child of Isis, yes of course when all this has only just happened it would not be in your daughters best interest. It would be far too soon for him to be moving in with her. But if their relationship ends up lasting, you won't be able to insist on that forever. I would say in a year or so time you may need to be more flexible. If you both concentrate on what is best for the child then there is no reason for her to be "run through the mill". For now I agree that given the situation, he should be spending his contact time alone with his daughter.

niceguy2 she seems to be 'the boss' when it comes to their kids.

ChildofIsis, I completely understand how you feel and in your place I would not be at all happy about this either. A woman who does this to her supposed friend is a scummy bitch. End of.

But, she didn't do this to you all on her own. She wouldn't have been able to do this if your husband hadn't fully colluded with her to lie and deceive you. I know that you cannot deny him access to his own child, but remember that he is worse than her in terms of behaviour, because he was the one who was married to you and had a child to think of.

In years to come,when she is grown up, your ex and his partner will have to have that very awkward and horrible conversation with your dd about how their relationship came to be. Trust me, they are both going to come out of it looking like the heartless sleazes that they are. In the meantime, unless you can prove he is an unfit parent in terms of how he will physically look after her (rather than his ability to teach his child right from wrong, in a moral sense), then all you can do is what you truly believe is right for your dd. If she loves her dad and misses him, then it might mean putting up with his partner during access.

Sorry. It truly sucks.

OP, apologies. I pressed post too soon. I don't think you sound unreasonable at all and think that you should advise your DP to get a proper legal arrangement in place or he could be at the mercy of his ex's whims for ever.

I am not denying xh access. He has constant contact as I said in a previous post.
I accept that in the future he will see DD with whom ever he lives with.
Currently he is living alone and is seeing DD whenever he wants.

The dust has to settle on this before anyone moves on.
I agree that ultimately his wrongdoing is worse.

As I stated previously this is an emotive issue but to those who said it's the ex only who's doing the parenting that's rubbish.
If a child is in a house with a parent and parent's partner the partner will have a say in what happens.
Which is exactly what this thread is about.

OP I'm sorry if I've hijacked your thread.
It certainly makes interesting reading.
So many of you are desperate to lay blame instead of trying to have a calm, stable situation for the child.

Sorry loveglove - need to find my glasses!

What I said still stands though. I do get irritated when new DPs/spouses assume an involvement in decisions about someone else's child.

I am not denying xh access. He has constant contact as I said in a previous post.

But you have attached conditions to said contact.

Let's put the shoe on the other foot. Let's say you had the affair, not him. Would you be happy if your ex said "Sorry but you cannot look after our daughter if you live with this guy and I will not let you see him at the same time as her." Somehow I doubt it.

His affair makes him a bad partner. It doesn't make him a bad father.

I have never said he's a bad father, you lot really are the living end.
Talk about putting words in someone's mouth.

I do not have to justify my decision to a nest of vipers.

Op, he will have to take it to court, it's the only way

Isis.... It's your child's right, not yours or the ex's , your child's. As per the children's act. Put it in front of a judge

I am a parent's partner and we have contact every other weekend. While I of course do the best I can to look after the child and have a nice time with him, I don't have "a say" in any parenting decisions unless you count what we are having for tea on Saturday night or if we are playing Monopoly or Scrabble as major decisions. That isn't having a say in how the child is being brought up. I don't decide what he is and isn't allowed to do and I rarely tell him off and if I do it is something like "please use a knife and fork". Nothing important. I don't assume to have a say as I am not his parent.

I agree that in your case, it is important to let the dust settle. It is a new situation and it would be calmer for your daughter to be able to get used to her parents being apart before new partners are added to the mix. But even if you think this woman has been a total cow to you, that doesn't mean she is not fit to have in the house eventually when your daughter goes to stay with her dad. She is neither violent nor dangerous.
Anyway, perhaps their relationship won't last. that's often the case in these scenarios where someone thinks the grass is greener...

Top be fair to Isis though, I think any parent who wants his/her new partner to be be there during access visits so soon after a split, probably isn't a good parent.

As a parent you should know that for a while after separating your child is going to feel insecure about the future, and worried by the fact that they've gone from seeing one of the parents on a daily to once or twice a week only. And so you'd surely want to give your child your individed attention with no attempts to play happy families with a new partner. That has to be done sensitively and with time. If a parent can't see that, they probably not that great a parent TBH.

Of course that doesn't mean you can impose arbitrary rules on how long that process might take.

My child is able to see her dad whenever she likes, why do we need a court?