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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH shouldn't go out with his mates without discussing with me first?

36 replies

sweetandtenderhooligan · 11/10/2011 21:01

I've had a shitty day. DC have been a handful and I'm exhausted. DH came home from work, I told him briefly what a crap day I've had and how glad I was to see him. Fed, bathed and put kids to bed. Came downstairs and he was putting his jacket on. He said he'd had a call from his (single) friend who fancies going for a pint or six so he's off into town, see you later.

He should've at least discussed this with me first, shouldn't he?

I was pissed off about it and he just didn't get it. Who's being unreasonable here, me or him?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/10/2011 21:02
Shock

We always ask each other if "it's okay" so YANBU

havinhoops1974 · 11/10/2011 21:05

why is the fact his friend is single,
YANBU a bit thoughtless

Original poster
sweetandtenderhooligan · 11/10/2011 21:09

Havinhoops his friend has no partner or kids so therefore can come and go and do as he pleases. My DH has a family and responsibilities.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 11/10/2011 21:12

He shouldnt have to ask your permission.

redyam · 11/10/2011 21:14

Would you have said he wasn't allowed to go if he discussed it with you? Dont you ever go out with your friends and let him look after the kids?

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 11/10/2011 21:16

we "ask" one another, but only in the sense of asking rather than telling being the social nicety.
I'm not sure what would happen if either one of us ever said "no".

moogalicious · 11/10/2011 21:16

A bit thoughtless maybe but what fabbyChic said. If you had a problem with it, you should have said so.

mumsamilitant · 11/10/2011 21:17

Well dont get mad get even then. Make sure you ask DH if he had a good time etc. Call a friend and make arrangements then tell your DH you're going out on such and such a night. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander Grin

troisgarcons · 11/10/2011 21:18

discuss?

Are you his mother/teacher/social worker ?

"discuss" isnt a word I'd use - "run by" is both phrase and scenario I'd expect.

Yes, a husband, family, responsibilities ..... if he ever asked 'permission' to do anything I'd think he'd become a wet lettuce and I'd lose all respect.

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:18

YANBU you are in a partnership, and something like that should be talked about together. You can't just up and go if you have a partner and kids, you have to be more considerate and thoughtful

cat64 · 11/10/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

minipie · 11/10/2011 21:20

Yes he should have discussed it, run it by you, asked you permission... whatever you like to call it. It all amounts to the same thing. He should not have agreed to go out without checking you were willing to stay in and look after your (joint) DCs.

40notTrendy · 11/10/2011 21:22

Yanbu. If he'd talked to you about it, you may well have said something along the lines of 'can we sit and have a chat before you go, I could do with some cheering up?'? Of course he doesn't need permission but some recognition of your partnership would have been nice I think!

PoppadumPreach · 11/10/2011 21:22

Two grown-up people with mutual responsibilities and great respect for each other, as married people (or partners) should have, should most definitely discuss social plans.

So unquestionably YANBU in my opinion. Pity those that think YABU.

diddl · 11/10/2011 21:22

Well he knew OP had no plans so in that way it was "OK".

But bloody thoughtless after she´s just said she´s had a shit day, he doesn´t help with bath & bed(?) & then pisses off out.

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:23

Yes he should still run it by you first, as I said you are in a partnership and have to respect one another. Though the kids were in bed op still has to be the responsible adult in charge in case something were to happen. She might have had something nice planned for them in the evening so it could have ruined her plans.

diddl · 11/10/2011 21:24

OP-if it had been "discussed"-would you have said no?

He should at least not stay out too long, though.

Bohica · 11/10/2011 21:24

I agree with trois.

My dh may call and say "do you mind if I do etc etc" or "Is it ok if I go to,,,," I then have the option of ssaying o problem but I've had a shit day and need a cuddle wine so don't be to long.

To just get up and go out would make me feel that he had no respect for me.

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:25

She said to him she was having a crap day, so any thoughtful considerate partner should be there for her, do something nice together instead to cheer her up, not leave her feeling more like crap. That's not on, and those who think that op is BU are Hmm tbh

badmummy101 · 11/10/2011 21:26

thing is diddl, how did he know she had no plans? if he is 'allowed' to make plans without consulting her then she can do the same. then who looks after the kids?
surley you cant be a partnership if you expect one the other partner just to do things you dont want to.

whackamole · 11/10/2011 21:28

He should have asked first - as in, 'so-and-so has asked if I want to go out for a couple of pints, you don't mind do you? I'll do the dishes now and whip round the living room before I go, I know you've had a rough day'.

And then poured you a glass of wine before he left.

havinhoops1974 · 11/10/2011 21:28

it depends doe you expect him to ask your permission or just wanted him to spend time with you??

Original poster
sweetandtenderhooligan · 11/10/2011 21:29

He doesn't need my "permission" to do anything. He often goes out - he just usually tells me a day or two in advance. I'd had a shitty day and was looking forward to relaxing with him and a glass of wine after the kids were in bed. I think going out without "running it by me" first is a bit inconsiderate.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:30

He knew she was not feeling too good, and had a bad day? Any thoughtful considerate partner would want to be with their partner

Kayano · 11/10/2011 21:31

Did he even know you were 'looking forward' to that? If not and it was a supposed quiet night then he was not to know you had a shitty day

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