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AIBU?

to think DH shouldn't go out with his mates without discussing with me first?

36 replies

sweetandtenderhooligan · 11/10/2011 21:01

I've had a shitty day. DC have been a handful and I'm exhausted. DH came home from work, I told him briefly what a crap day I've had and how glad I was to see him. Fed, bathed and put kids to bed. Came downstairs and he was putting his jacket on. He said he'd had a call from his (single) friend who fancies going for a pint or six so he's off into town, see you later.

He should've at least discussed this with me first, shouldn't he?

I was pissed off about it and he just didn't get it. Who's being unreasonable here, me or him?

OP posts:

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Matronalia · 11/10/2011 22:24

YANBU. DH always asks. I always say yes, but he asks anyway. its just politeness, showing respect, checking its ok etc.

Faffalina · 11/10/2011 22:19

Agree with FiniteIncantatem, that should get your point across and anything else will just be taken as "nagging".

blackeyedsusan · 11/10/2011 22:01

no, it is not about asking permission, but it is polite to ask. he assumed that she would look after the children whilst he went out. he has joint responsibility for the children but is not behaving that way. finite has a good idea. he might not actually understand it til he sees it in action from the othere side so to speak.

FiniteIncantatem · 11/10/2011 21:56

Can you arrange to go somewhere tomorrow or Thursday, so that when he gets in from work, you can just pop your coat on and leave him to it? Sometimes actions speak louder than words...

ravenAK · 11/10/2011 21:51

Dh used to do this & it pissed me off too.

It's an assumption that means had your mate already phoned up & asked you to go out on the lash, that would then be a problem. Or for that matter, you might be desperately needing an early one with a good book & not to be keeping half an ear out for dc waking etc.

I think it's basic courtesy to check with your dp before you head out tbh - it's not asking permission, it's making sure that they don't already have plans that they've made since you saw them this morning/you've forgotten about.

Even if it's vanishingly unlikely (because they are knackered & never go out) that they do have plans. Actually, ESPECIALLY then.

What it says to me is: 'I know you're at home doing the mummy stuff, because that's your job, isn't it?'.

Dh doesn't do this anymore. I, erm, may have been quite forthright in telling him it was NOT ON.

diddl · 11/10/2011 21:46

"thing is diddl, how did he know she had no plans? "

Ooops-missed out an if!

mumsamilitant · 11/10/2011 21:38

I'm sure thats not the whole story though is it.

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:35

In a partnership its just considerate to run things by each other and to COMMUNICATE with one another, and respect each others feelings which was not what the op dh did despite her telling him that she was glad to see him and that she had a crap day.

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:33

and she said she was glad to see him as she had a crap day, if that does not mean i want to now spend time with you, I don't know what is

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:32

The op told him that she had a crap day, so he knew but instead went out without thinking about the op

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:31

Its not permission as such, its running it by one another,

Kayano · 11/10/2011 21:31

Did he even know you were 'looking forward' to that? If not and it was a supposed quiet night then he was not to know you had a shitty day

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:30

He knew she was not feeling too good, and had a bad day? Any thoughtful considerate partner would want to be with their partner

sweetandtenderhooligan · 11/10/2011 21:29

He doesn't need my "permission" to do anything. He often goes out - he just usually tells me a day or two in advance. I'd had a shitty day and was looking forward to relaxing with him and a glass of wine after the kids were in bed. I think going out without "running it by me" first is a bit inconsiderate.

OP posts:

havinhoops1974 · 11/10/2011 21:28

it depends doe you expect him to ask your permission or just wanted him to spend time with you??

whackamole · 11/10/2011 21:28

He should have asked first - as in, 'so-and-so has asked if I want to go out for a couple of pints, you don't mind do you? I'll do the dishes now and whip round the living room before I go, I know you've had a rough day'.

And then poured you a glass of wine before he left.

badmummy101 · 11/10/2011 21:26

thing is diddl, how did he know she had no plans? if he is 'allowed' to make plans without consulting her then she can do the same. then who looks after the kids?
surley you cant be a partnership if you expect one the other partner just to do things you dont want to.

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:25

She said to him she was having a crap day, so any thoughtful considerate partner should be there for her, do something nice together instead to cheer her up, not leave her feeling more like crap. That's not on, and those who think that op is BU are tbh

Bohica · 11/10/2011 21:24

I agree with trois.

My dh may call and say "do you mind if I do etc etc" or "Is it ok if I go to,,,," I then have the option of ssaying o problem but I've had a shit day and need a cuddle wine so don't be to long.

To just get up and go out would make me feel that he had no respect for me.

diddl · 11/10/2011 21:24

OP-if it had been "discussed"-would you have said no?

He should at least not stay out too long, though.

pigletmania · 11/10/2011 21:23

Yes he should still run it by you first, as I said you are in a partnership and have to respect one another. Though the kids were in bed op still has to be the responsible adult in charge in case something were to happen. She might have had something nice planned for them in the evening so it could have ruined her plans.

diddl · 11/10/2011 21:22

Well he knew OP had no plans so in that way it was "OK".

But bloody thoughtless after she´s just said she´s had a shit day, he doesn´t help with bath & bed(?) & then pisses off out.

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PoppadumPreach · 11/10/2011 21:22

Two grown-up people with mutual responsibilities and great respect for each other, as married people (or partners) should have, should most definitely discuss social plans.

So unquestionably YANBU in my opinion. Pity those that think YABU.

40notTrendy · 11/10/2011 21:22

Yanbu. If he'd talked to you about it, you may well have said something along the lines of 'can we sit and have a chat before you go, I could do with some cheering up?'? Of course he doesn't need permission but some recognition of your partnership would have been nice I think!

minipie · 11/10/2011 21:20

Yes he should have discussed it, run it by you, asked you permission... whatever you like to call it. It all amounts to the same thing. He should not have agreed to go out without checking you were willing to stay in and look after your (joint) DCs.

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