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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it is not my fault that my husband is a lazy fucker?

56 replies

normaleggy · 11/10/2011 20:50

I recently separated from my Husband for various reasons - infidelity, emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, never putting me and dcs first, long story! Another reason was that he has never done a thing to help me with the kids, never changed a nappy, given them a bath, read them a bedtime story, put them to bed, prepared their meal, dressed them, looked after them for more than half an hour without phoning me insisting I need to go home, taken them out to give me a break, seen to them in the night not a fucking thing.

I have had two colleagues at work recently say to me "don't you think that's your fault though?" Err.. no, I fucking don't actually. I am not one of these precious mothers who insists on doing everything for the kids, always asked him if he wanted to do these things and he always said no. Bearing in mind the other issues we had (emotional abuse) am I really at fault for not pushing him to do these things? He has a very controlling personality and standing up to him was not always that easy, something that my work colleagues are both aware of.

Should I take some blame or just tell them fuck off. It's just been playing on my mind a bit.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/10/2011 20:52

Well if he was abusive the fact he was lazy is a minor point!

Well done in getting away. Onwards and upwards.

Original poster
normaleggy · 11/10/2011 20:57

I agree it is a minor point, but knowing what he was like, do you not think these people are being incredibly insensitive by heaping more blame onto me?!

OP posts:
mumsamilitant · 11/10/2011 20:57

Of course you arent. But if we enable people they will do what they want. We will moan but not take control and get shot.

Glad you finally have though Smile

mumsamilitant · 11/10/2011 20:58

These people dont know what went on and they must have come to some conclusion by listening to what you say.

RandomMess · 11/10/2011 21:01

I suppose if you've never been emotionally abused you can't understand why you wouldn't have insteaded on him helping etc. I think they are just being ignorant tbh.

rookiemater · 11/10/2011 21:02

Next time they do it just stare at them politely and say " That's an interesting assumption, why do you think it is my fault?". Weirdos.

WoeIsMeAgain · 11/10/2011 21:03

if he was a lazy fucker, why have kids with him, or even marry him. I am sure he didnt turn lazy overnight

Meglet · 11/10/2011 21:03

yanbu. Mine would get angry and threaten me if whenever I asked him to help.

Tell them to fuck off Grin.

aquashiv · 11/10/2011 21:03

Some women see their role is to train their husbands like a dog. My neighbour uses a frying pan on her errant husband if he doesnt do as she says. I would strongly suggest you dont engage in any sort of conversation with either type they are both bloody nutters.

slartybartfast · 11/10/2011 21:04

annoyed for you Angry

"thats an interesting assumption" might be good, or it might encourage them.
dont let it get you down.
if theya re going to be idiotic dont even discuss the matter imo

mumsamilitant · 11/10/2011 21:05

I have a big pot Grin

slartybartfast · 11/10/2011 21:05

dont forget to call him your ex though Grin

cjbartlett · 11/10/2011 21:08

Well if my dh phoned me after half an hour of me being out to tell mr to cone home I would gave told him to sod off

But presumably you were unable to do that because he'd turn nasty? Sad

mumsamilitant · 11/10/2011 21:10

Well why put up with it? Then moan about it. I really wonder sometimes about women. We get treated as we allow.

I can understand when say a young girl goes with a young man and it sort of turns out that she doesnt stand up to him, but an adult nah.

Original poster
normaleggy · 11/10/2011 21:10

Thanks ladies.

Woeisme that's an interesting assumption, no not overnight but when we had children, but thanks Wink

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 11/10/2011 21:11

You did enable him, you let him get away with it.

My childrens father was an arsehole, a cheat and an emotional abuser, but one thing he was and that was an ace father. I worked full time, he looked after my youngest from when he was 5 weeks old. He changed nappies, hoovered house and made dinner every single night, he also collected the oldest five years older from school every day.

He would take them out on Sundays to feed the ducks.

He is a useless boyfriend but as a dad when they were young he was great. As they got older other than phone calls and the odd £50 he wasn't so good at seeing them but we did move 110 miles away to get away from him.

Original poster
normaleggy · 11/10/2011 21:14

Mumsamilitant either not all women are as strong as you obviously are or you have been lucky enough never to have to deal with a bully. Are you saying that a woman who is hit or sexually abused by a man is "allowing" it?

OP posts:
ThereGoesTheFear · 11/10/2011 21:17

YANBU. He was abusive, and you've shown massive strength to leave him. Well done! That was the ultimate 'standing up to him'. I imagine dealing with all the other shit he was throwing at you took up all your mental energy, so how could you be expected to 'start' another fruitless row/one of his tantrums by standing up to him over housework/childcare?

And of course he didn't start out that way, or else no-one would have him.

spacester · 11/10/2011 21:17

Christ what a shit. Good riddance.

YANBU.

Original poster
normaleggy · 11/10/2011 21:20

cj he would keep phoning me so that I could hear them screaming down the phone and tell me I was neglecting them. I knew he was in the wrong, but it just upsets you, your night is ruined anyway and you worry about leaving your child alone with him. I know people will say I should have swith=ched my phone off but I didn't feel comfortable with leaving them that distressed with him when he was obviously so wound up.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 11/10/2011 21:20

Fabby- no she didn't, he is now her ex. You just happened to touch lucky on the father front, it was not down to you how he fathered his DS.

Many men change when a woman has had a baby, exactly how is this the womans fault when she has the welfare of her child to consider? It isn't like saying 'well he won't clean the floor, so i won't, either', the baby has to be looked after, so you naturally carry on doing that.

Many women who have just given birth are reliant on their partners for money and housing, if there isn't an incident of violence, it isn't that easy to end it.

The OP is now out the other side and should be congratulated for it.

Original poster
normaleggy · 11/10/2011 21:21

*switched

OP posts:
BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 11/10/2011 21:25

Oh, everyone's an expert from outside. No-one else had your husband to put up with.

How about, "Well, that's why I got rid of him! Grin"

And you did. And that's the important thing.

troisgarcons · 11/10/2011 21:26

OP, I made a post and then struck it out ..... a lot of women (and men) are /have been in control freak situations. I can only applaud you for taking control of your life.

No one is ever at fault for someone elses behaviour. You need to remember that.

cjbartlett · 11/10/2011 21:27
Sad you poor thing Thank god you & the kids got out of there