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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it is not my fault that my husband is a lazy fucker?

56 replies

normaleggy · 11/10/2011 20:50

I recently separated from my Husband for various reasons - infidelity, emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, never putting me and dcs first, long story! Another reason was that he has never done a thing to help me with the kids, never changed a nappy, given them a bath, read them a bedtime story, put them to bed, prepared their meal, dressed them, looked after them for more than half an hour without phoning me insisting I need to go home, taken them out to give me a break, seen to them in the night not a fucking thing.

I have had two colleagues at work recently say to me "don't you think that's your fault though?" Err.. no, I fucking don't actually. I am not one of these precious mothers who insists on doing everything for the kids, always asked him if he wanted to do these things and he always said no. Bearing in mind the other issues we had (emotional abuse) am I really at fault for not pushing him to do these things? He has a very controlling personality and standing up to him was not always that easy, something that my work colleagues are both aware of.

Should I take some blame or just tell them fuck off. It's just been playing on my mind a bit.

OP posts:
mumsamilitant · 11/10/2011 21:28

Normaleggy. In a way, yes I am saying that. I have been in semi-abusive relationships in my time, they tried and I got shot. I'm in the middle of getting my neice out of one at the moment.

Original poster
normaleggy · 11/10/2011 21:31

Then I admire you very much, mumsamilitant, good luck with your neice, try and get her on here, it was reading some of the threads on here that inspired me to get out.

OP posts:
Original poster
normaleggy · 11/10/2011 21:32

Although I don't agree that it is necessarily partly their fault!

OP posts:
ThereGoesTheFear · 11/10/2011 21:34

OP: "Are you saying that a woman who is hit or sexually abused by a man is "allowing" it?"

mumsamilitant: "In a way, yes I am saying that. I have been in semi-abusive relationships in my time, they tried and I got shot. I'm in the middle of getting my neice out of one at the moment."

mumsamilitant are you for real??

Branno · 11/10/2011 21:49

a few things to always remember -
he is an abusive lazy fucker
he will always be an abusive lazy fucker
you got duped
you unduped yourself
WELL DONE
ignore anyone and everyone who tells you that somehow you are at fault
Be proud of yourself
Carry your head high
It will take a while to get rid of it all and until then remind yourself that you are one courageous woman.

VeryLittleGraveEaters · 11/10/2011 22:12

TheregoesTheFear

Before anything recognisable as abuse happens, the abuser embarks on a long process of isolating, depersonalisation, belittling, gaslighting. This is subtle and insidious. The victim will find her workload slowly increasing, goalposts will continually shift and she will be denied any form of rest or relaxation. Again, this process is slow and insidious. By the time the outward displays of temper, verbal/physical abuse and blaming start, she is not in a position to walk away.

I can't fucking believe you are blaming abuse victims for this. There is only one person at fault, and that is the abuser.

Original poster
normaleggy · 11/10/2011 22:15

Thanks Branno, I'm getting there....

OP posts:
VeryLittleGraveEaters · 11/10/2011 22:18

Shit, sorry ThereGoesThe Fear I wrongly attributed mumsamilitants post to you.

mumsamilitant I'll say it again. I can't fucking believe you are blaming abuse victims for this. There is only one person at fault, and that is the abuser.

NorfolkBroad · 11/10/2011 22:20

Completely agree with trois. Don't blame yourself or let others blame you. Well done for getting out of it.

ThereGoesTheFear · 11/10/2011 22:25

I second everything VeryLittle said (apart from the bit where she mistook me for someone dangerously misinformed Wink )

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/10/2011 22:28

If there are kids involved then you can't not take up the slack if he isn't doing things. What are you supposed to if he refuses point blank to change a nappy, leave the baby sitting in poo in the hope that your DH deigns to change it an hour later. You can beg, plead, shout but if he is prepared to put winning the point against you above the welfare the child you are stuck.

No its not your fault if he was prepared to let the kids needs be secondary to his self interest. You have to protect your kids within the home environment and if the home environment is no longer acceptable you protect them by removing them from it.

Well done for getting away.

bibbitybobbityhat · 11/10/2011 22:30

Astonishing that anyone could seek to blame you for your ex being a twat.

Congrats on freeing yourself. You are a brave woman and are doubtless better off without him.

notlettingthefearshow · 11/10/2011 22:33

OP, don't take to heart what others say. They may imagine they could somehow have transformed your ex's behaviour or not fallen for him in the first place, but it can be a slow process realising you have made a bad choice.

If I were you I would feel proud of getting out. Onwards and upwards!

SaggyHairyArse · 11/10/2011 22:39

Oh OP, I hear you!

And FWIW, my DH didn't turn into a lazy git over night. Before children he did his fair share but when the balance of power shifted i.e. I had OUR child everything changed in his mind. I was no longer equal and if he was at work all day then it was my job to do EVERYTHING else. My DH only did things that were of direct benefit to himself and he is still this way (which might be hard for the Oper to hear).

I was financially, emotionally and psychologically abused and I, like the Oper, did not deserve it.

Original poster
normaleggy · 11/10/2011 22:56

Saggy I know he'll always be like that, that's why I've gone. I have never heard the phrase financially abused before but that is spot on. He has a well paid full time job, I work 2 days a week, he would pay the rent and then expect me to pay the council tax, electicity, gas, tv licence, water and do the food shopping on my wages. A week before I left, I had run out of money and asked him for some to do some food shopping, he said "There's some money in my wallet, you can have £20" I argued this was not enough, he said "ok £40". I got the money out of his wallet (he had about £100 in there) and found a receipt from the weekend when he was apparently "out with his mates" for a Raymond Blanc restaurant! DCs and I were not top priority for him, I have no doubt about that now.

OP posts:
mumsamilitant · 11/10/2011 23:31

The abuser could not abuse unless he had something to abuse.

Until women say I wont allow it, it will always happen.

mumsamilitant · 11/10/2011 23:33

I'm not blaming anyone, all I'm saying is it wouldn't be allowed if we didnt allow it... very different.

mumsamilitant · 11/10/2011 23:40

Unless its a victim on the street then there is a part they play. Same as with a alcoholic, the other people play a facilitating part in it. Break that and you get results.

minimisschief · 12/10/2011 06:44

They were simply saying it was your fault because you let yourself be walked all over.

so yes and know. it isn't your fault he is like that. but it is your fault that you let him get away with it so long

Deflatedballoonbelly · 12/10/2011 06:48

There are some grade A arseholes out there, obviously some on Mumsnet Hmm eh Mumsamilitant.

No fault Leggy. not at your door. You have been manipulated for a very long time. Im glad you are free of that now.

VeryLittleGraveEaters · 12/10/2011 07:54

mumsamilitant

Do you know anything about systemic abuse? The careful selection? Testing of boundaries? The Depersonalization techniques?

It's not as simple as your husband suddenly turning into a caveman, lumping you one and demanding his pipe and slippers. If it were, we would all have left at the first sign of trouble.

Society doesn't help matters much by simultaneously colluding in the abuse (women are exhorted to hang onto a man at all costs, abuse is trivialised, women are taught from infancy that their needs are secondary) and by blaming the woman for it.

You are guilty of this collusion yourself. A little empathy wouldn't go amiss.

Jenypi · 12/10/2011 07:55

Well done for getting out

Ciske · 12/10/2011 08:14

It's not your fault and seeing that you left, you clearly have drawn a line and told him no more. Your colleagues probably confuse your abusive husband with the slightly lazy yet still reasonable husband and have jumped to some very wrong conclusions.

Well done for leaving, I hope it's all going well now.

schobe · 12/10/2011 08:20

With some people and in some relationships, the only leverage you have to effect change is to threaten to leave.

Usually when they're that bad, it's a pointless threat as it loses its power if you don't follow through.

But you did. So you did the only thing you could do to stop enabling him. Well done, be proud of yourself.

These people at your work clearly have no concept that, with some people, all the demands, threats, negotiation in the world are totally ineffective.

Trills · 12/10/2011 09:04

It's not your fault that this man is a a lazy fucker, but to some extent it is your fault that this lazy fucker was your husband.

Anyway, you have left.

No longer shall you say "my husband is a lazy fucker".
You can say "my ex is a lazy fucker"
or "my husband was a lazy fucker, which is why he is no longer my husband"