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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not breastfeed my friend's baby?

126 replies

mummyandpig · 10/10/2011 15:30

I know I'm not BU not to do it if I don't feel comfortable with it, but I don't know if I'm BU for not being comfortable with it. IYSWIM!

We are looking after a friend's DD (8 months) for a couple of nights at the end of the week. Friend's DD is BF, as is my 7 month DS. Friend brought DD round yesterday to discuss arrangements and when I mentioned bottles she got confused and asked if I wouldn't be BFing her DD. She has never mentioned this before and when I have previously looked after her DD she hasn't expressed any wishes for me to feed her DD. I've only looked after her for a couple of hours before, when she had some lunch with my DS and some water from a cup.

Friend is now being a bit sulky and says she doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to feed her DD. I don't know really, I just don't want to. I wouldn't want my friend to feed my DS. I have offered to give friend's DD my expressed milk that is in the freezer, in a bottle or cup but she said that defeats the point. She wants to know that if her DD was very upset that she would be comforted by me BFing her. I don't even know if it would work like that, surely she would only be comforted by her own mum Bfing. I don't know.

I'm confused really, I don't know if I am being unreasonable and prudish or not. She has also told me to feed her DD meat which is annoying as we don't eat meat and means I will have to buy things that will go to waste....

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 07:39

Bf 'cult'? Ffs.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 11/10/2011 08:18

Nothing wrong with bf Someone else's baby if the need arises or as a
Prior arrangement between mothers if both are comfortable with it. Given a choice I would rather have my child bf by a friend than have a bottle if they were ebf, not because formula is poison or any such twaddle but because they wouldn't be used to the bottle and might get very upset. That said, I would sound out my friend first before assuming this would be the case!

post · 11/10/2011 09:02

She shouldn't have assumed, completely fine for you to not want to and say so. But ffs, there are some weird reactions on this thread. It's unusual in our culture, but it's not unheard of, it's definitely not intrinsically wrong or disgusting, and it would have been completely normal in this country in the past. 'Cult?' Bloody hell...

iscream · 11/10/2011 09:07

Just wanted to ad one thought. Say someone did decide they would bf someone else's baby for 2 days or so, would they not run really low on milk? By 7-8 months hasn't your body been producing the amount that your baby usually has? That is my understanding. Maybe it was just my body though?

whoneedssleepanyway · 11/10/2011 09:07

Putting the personal and emotional aspects of this aside, practically is this going to be possible. Surely by 7 months milk supply has settled down and you are producing enough milk to satisfy your DS, you can't overnight suddenly adjust your supply to make double that amount, I know the body does respond quickly to needing to make more milk but it would be a day or so and by that time your friend's DD would not be staying with you anymore.

Also what if they both need feeding at similar times...

Add to that the possibility that your friends DD won't feed from you.

I would use these as the reasons.

I personally would not want to do this for two reasons, the risk of infection (albeit v v small) and I just wouldn't be comfortable doing this with someone elses baby for the bonding/ emotional reasons, that may seem strange as I have given bottles to many friends babies but this is somehow different.

iscream · 11/10/2011 09:07

*add

whoneedssleepanyway · 11/10/2011 09:07

x posted with iscream

KatAndKit · 11/10/2011 09:09

Also your friend has no right to sulk over a choice you have made about what you do and don't want to do with your own body.
Your body, your choice. Whatever your reasons for not wanting to do it, and whatever other people think is or isn't normal or acceptable in our society, that is not relevant. You get to choose what you do with your body. Not her.

WiiUndead · 11/10/2011 11:35

There's some very odd comments on here regarding breastfeeding being 'gross', 'yuck' .etc.

OP, YAofcourseNBU. For me, bfing is a very special & very personal bond between me & DS, I wouldn't want anyone else feeding him if it could be avoided & in the same sense I wouldn't want to bfeed another baby unless it was family / friend's baby who would starve otherwise. I'm glad your friend has respected your wishes on this & is bringing EBM & formula for her DD. You sound like a lovely friend for looking after her DD & offering to take her in for a couple of feeds.

Mishy1234 · 11/10/2011 11:41

Feeding a baby other than my own is not something I have done or ever been called upon to do. It's an extremely personal thing and not something I would EXPECT someone to do for my child. I guess I would do it in an emergency, but I would be pretty shocked if a friend of mine assumed I would do it.

YANBU to not want to do it.

Ariesgirl · 11/10/2011 11:43

You are not a wet nurse. Of course YANBU!

megapixels · 11/10/2011 11:44

Your friend sounds quite silly. Breastfeeding someone else's child is such a personal thing, I don't know why she'd sulk at you not doing it .

I don't find it gross at all, but I'll have only considered it for someone really close like my own sisters' children. Nobody else, not even my closest friend. And not for a random day out either but in case of something like illness where feeding by the mother is out of the question.

Why the heck doesn't she supply her own expressed milk? That's what normal people do .

CowboysGal · 11/10/2011 12:05

WOW! I had promised myself I wasn't going to look at AIBU during the day as I get really sucked in and neglect all my duties but now that I've spent the last half hour ignoring the cleaning thought I may aswell just add my 2pennies worth in. mummyandpig there is nothing unreasonable at all about not wanting to bf your friend's child (I know you were more specifically asking if you were bu to have a problem with the idea and again YANBU)
I'm guessing as your friend is going into hospital she may be coming across as being funny about the whole thing just because she has a lot on her mind. I wouldn't take it to heart.
Personally I wouldn't even consider leaving my children with someone unless I completely trusted them to care for them. Surely most mums are the same? You won't do most things the way she does them, of course, but she must trust you an awful lot to have asked you to have DD for her. Just remind yourself that she is probably very nervous/worried about going into hospital and that some parents suffer from separation anxiety as much as children can. You are doing a lovely thing for your friend and I wouldn't let this dampen your friendship-her DD won't forget how to bf while she is away but perhaps she worries that she will?

WinterIsComing · 11/10/2011 12:15

Nothing wrong with it if both people are happy to but it's a bit odd that as experienced BFers neither of you had considered possible supply issues. Then again although it was the first thing I thought of, I don't actually know if it would be a problem at that age and I've been feeding DS for four years so there you go

I wouldn't fancy BF someone else's baby if they had a new tooth coming through though. There are limits to selflessless.

WinterIsComing · 11/10/2011 12:18

iscream I'd say that rather than running low on milk you would probably start producing too much. That's what happened when I tried expressing loads on top of DS' normal feeds in order to get a decent amount of sleep. My body suddenly thought I had two babies and I woke up after four hours in agony with square boobs

LaDolcheRyvita · 11/10/2011 12:45

Oh dear...that's a huge ask! yanbu !!

This isnt some third world country where mothers will nurse others babies is needs be. Can't she express some milk? Or not go?

You're not Daisy the cow, are you?

kelly2000 · 11/10/2011 13:31

I would never ask someone else to BF my child. Apart from anything it would mean I would have to be certain they did not have any medical conditions that could be passed on in breastmilk, or were not taking any medications that could be passed on etc.
At the end of the day if you want your child breastfed do it yourself or hire a wetnurse. the same goes if you want them to eat meat, buy it yourself. the attitude that if you want something someone else is duty bound to give it to you is silly.

pinkdelight · 11/10/2011 13:50

Winteriscoming - "square boobs" is hilarious! Not having them, but spot on description. Ha ha

OP you are NBU btw. Most peculiar situation.

roadkillbunny · 11/10/2011 14:04

I think I would if I was asked I imagine it would feel strange the first couple of times but would be fine after a couple of feeds. I bf my ds until just over 2.5 years when he self weaned, I had no plans to keep going so long but it just happened, felt right so we carried on. I couldn't have fed another child because of medication I am on, was okay for ds as he was born with them in his system and BF let us do gradual reduction and saved him going through withdrawal like poor dd had to do when the medics wouldn't let me bf her. If I had been asked to feed a baby with the same medications in their system to avoid withdrawal I would have done it in a heartbeat but the big word in all of that is ASKED, I would not be happy with the assumption that I would do it.

You are NBU to refuse, it is a very personal thing and you shouldn't do things you are uncomfortable with just to avoid upsetting a friend.
YANBU to be uncomfortable about doing it either, again, very personal thing and one size doesn't fit all, same way some people can't imagine bf a baby over 6 months/1 year/2 years each person had different feelings about these things and just because some people would do something or as you said, it would be a nice thing to do for somebody doesn't mean you are wrong to feel uncomfortable about it and think it isn't for you.

RainboweBrite · 11/10/2011 14:13

Your friend is expecting WAAAY, WAAAY too much of you! Please stand your ground and don't let anyone force you into doing anything you're not comfortable with. I also find it incredible that she thinks a 7 month old baby who hasn't become used to a bottle or cup can't go a day or two without meat!

TheOriginalFAB · 11/10/2011 16:07

I actually know of a woman who breastfed another woman's baby - without any discussion afaik - and I was . I can't see the baby's mum being happy about someone else feeding her child.

YANBU on either count and your friend has got herself some unusual ideas.

Emo76 · 11/10/2011 16:10

wow you are very generous to help her out in the first place looking after her baby. YANBU

CamperFan · 11/10/2011 17:09

Pmsl at the "breastfeeding cult". Ffs.

OP, you are very kind and YANBU. I hope your friend has a speedy recovery from her op - it must be so hard being a single parent to a small baby whilst being unwell.

violet79 · 11/10/2011 17:15

i think that would not be fair on your baby, the milk you produce is for your child . why should your baby go hungry while your body adjusts to producing more milk? btw it is quite a bizzare request

NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 17:20

You can't run out of milk so one wouldn't go hungry as such, but one might be a bit ubcomfortable for a while after!

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