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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not breastfeed my friend's baby?

126 replies

mummyandpig · 10/10/2011 15:30

I know I'm not BU not to do it if I don't feel comfortable with it, but I don't know if I'm BU for not being comfortable with it. IYSWIM!

We are looking after a friend's DD (8 months) for a couple of nights at the end of the week. Friend's DD is BF, as is my 7 month DS. Friend brought DD round yesterday to discuss arrangements and when I mentioned bottles she got confused and asked if I wouldn't be BFing her DD. She has never mentioned this before and when I have previously looked after her DD she hasn't expressed any wishes for me to feed her DD. I've only looked after her for a couple of hours before, when she had some lunch with my DS and some water from a cup.

Friend is now being a bit sulky and says she doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to feed her DD. I don't know really, I just don't want to. I wouldn't want my friend to feed my DS. I have offered to give friend's DD my expressed milk that is in the freezer, in a bottle or cup but she said that defeats the point. She wants to know that if her DD was very upset that she would be comforted by me BFing her. I don't even know if it would work like that, surely she would only be comforted by her own mum Bfing. I don't know.

I'm confused really, I don't know if I am being unreasonable and prudish or not. She has also told me to feed her DD meat which is annoying as we don't eat meat and means I will have to buy things that will go to waste....

OP posts:
DogsBeastFiend · 10/10/2011 17:02

Sorry diddl, we X posted. :)

carabos · 10/10/2011 19:12

Agree with valium that you'd have to be pretty laid back to be able to let down milk for a stranger. I just can't see how this could work - although suppose the DC is used to being fed by someone other than the mother so maybe settles to it OK.
Of course wet-nursing used to be more common, but that was before there was a formula alternative and babies whose mother had died would starve.

MysteriousHamster · 10/10/2011 19:19

This is very odd. If you didn't say you were a regular poster I'd assume it was meant to confirm to non-bf'ers that breastfeeding is weird. (btw I certainly don't think it is!)

I am still breastfeeding my son at 15 months but I don't think I could breastfeed someone else's child. Maybe a relative's if it was a very young baby and there was an emergency. I would just find it hard to get my head around this situation.

I was just politely and firmly say no to your friend. Say no to the meat, too. There are other ways to get protein into a baby of that age!

aldiwhore · 10/10/2011 19:21

YANBU.

Sure if you didn't mind, then that's great. But you do mind and are uncomfortable with the idea, therefore YANBU at all.

FabbyChic · 10/10/2011 19:22

Jesus sorry but I so agree that you are not going to breastfeed another persons child.

With regards to the food, that's easy. Ask her to batch up some food for her i.e made with meat that will only need reheating i.e shepherds pie, casserole and stew stuff.

She could even eat pie and mash cut to pieces.

flicktheswitch · 10/10/2011 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SephreniaRidesABroomstick · 10/10/2011 19:26

Even the thought of it makes me want to be sick, never mind actually going ahead and doing it.

YANBU at all.

SephreniaRidesABroomstick · 10/10/2011 19:27

I mean, the thought of BF'ing somebody else's child, obviously.

diddl · 10/10/2011 19:48

Also-8months-perhaps the baby wouldn´t like being fed by someone that they´re not used to feeding from?

RIZZ0 · 10/10/2011 19:57

YANBU

It's not a weird thing for someone to do for another's baby if that suits them.
It's very weird to "assume" it's going to happen with no previous discussion as to whether you'd be comfortable with doing so, and then to sulk afterwards.

I would never do it, or ask someone else to do it, plus I'd never have had the supply for two babies without working up to it - another point on which she has been very presumptuous.

She is already receiving very kind friendship from you in terms of taking her child for two days when you already have your own, let her know this and that she's pushing it - and to express her own milk.

CeliaFate · 10/10/2011 20:06

Yanbu. It's an unusual request in this country and culture and with no preface. I would say if you wanted to do it, great. I can see her point in that bf is a comfort thing as well as nutrition, but I agree that the comfort is the baby being close to his/her mother, not just anyone.

Suggest a toy/blanket that the baby is attached to - but I wouldn't be comfortable bf'ing another baby.

ditziness · 10/10/2011 20:14

my friend offered me her expressed breast milk when our same age ds's were 3 months and I couldn't feed him due to medication. Amazingly generous offer and i was touched. In the end I couldn't accept though, not because I found it weird as such, but because of the possibilty of passing on infectuous diseases. I thought that there might be a risk that she was a carrier without even knowing, i.e. her boyfrind shagging about behind her back or something. Bit paranoid maybe, but I was tired and a bit hormornal and PFB and all that.

splashymcsplash · 10/10/2011 20:14

YANBU

I haven't read through the whole thread, so don't know whether it's been mentioned or not, but I would say no simply because of the risk of infection.

Breastmilk in milk banks is frozen and donors are tested and carefully screened in order to ensure that the milk will not pose a danger to infants. In addition there is a risk of infection being passed from baby to breastfeeder from breastfeeding. Sure, this risk is small, but why expose yourself and friend's dd?

As for the meat thing, she simply needs to respect your beliefs in your house. If you say no meat, then she should either accept it or find someone else to look after her dd!

NorfolkBroad · 10/10/2011 20:19

God, poor you, what a weird situation. I just cannot ever imagine doing that! I really hope you can work it out with your friend. I'm sure you will discover that 99.9% of women would be less than comfortable with this. Good luck!

Georgimama · 10/10/2011 20:29

YANBU at all. I don't think there is anything wrong with BFing another baby if all parties (including baby) are happy with it but there is no reason why you should be alright with it - massive presumption on her part. She has also lost sight of her baby in this - 7 months not 7 weeks, what if he won't nurse from you?

YANBU about the meat either, in fact I think you are being a bit of a star being prepared to handle it. I would just presume my child was going veggie if staying with veggies.

forrestgump · 10/10/2011 20:30

As a mum i wouldnt be sending my baby out for the night, unless i was confident that the baby was ok without me. She should ensure that either she expresses and leaves milk readily available for her baby, or provides the formula. beside at 8 months baby is perfectly ok to drink from a cup, so why would it want another womans breast? agree with another poster, mum should provide a comforter, eg blanket or teddy.

forrestgump · 10/10/2011 20:31

and the meat thin is unreasable too! wierdo woman!!

droves · 10/10/2011 20:48
Confused there are some strange people out there .
toosoontoosoon · 10/10/2011 21:04

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned yet, but by feeding an extra child for the night/day, you would upset the spply and demand for your own breasts and child...so you would suddenly have very big, sore breasts as the other baby would trigger too much production.

This is the main aspect I'd be worried about, because I started getting mastitis when my son was almost a year old and it went on for months on and off. I would be so careful about upsetting the balance iyswim.

I'm sure her dd will be fine on some bottles for the few days - especially if your friend gets those special ones that are more similar to breasts. (Tommee Tippee I think)

Babieseverywhere · 10/10/2011 21:06

What has your friend going to do about her milk whilst she is in hospital ? She is going to have to express milk for her own comfort. Could you take the baby to her for one or two feeds a day and feed the baby with formula or expressed milk the rest of the time ?

Original poster
mummyandpig · 11/10/2011 00:30

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one to feel uncomfortable with it. Although I'm shocked by how many posters seem to be disgusted by it. I almost wish I was comfortable doing it as I feel it would be a kind thing to do.

Friend is going to bring some expressed milk and some formula. She'll be taking a pump into the hosp with her. I've offered to take her dd in for a feed or 2 but she doesn't know if she'll be up for it after the procedure she is having. She'll also be
on a lot of painkillers so don't know if it would.be ok for her to bf.

The baby is bringing her own blanket and nightlight. She is quite a laid back baby, despite her mother! I hope she will be ok.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 11/10/2011 00:56

I'm sure she will be fine :)

Whether you'd be fine bf her baby or not isn't really the issue though is it? It's more her presuming you would do it and being a bit 'off' because you said 'no'... it's so rude. She herself was a bit freaked out about it at first when her SIL did it - why on earth did she think you'd just be OK with it, without even being asked?? Very odd.

It wouldn't bother me to do it for a friend's baby though, but in more of an 'emergency' situation than this I guess. It's like when you are cuddling a baby and they are rooting - I feel very mean when I have the 'equipment' but the barrel needs changing Grin

I'd feel more 'weirded out' by someone else feeding my baby... which really, if you are prepared instead to give the baby cows milk or formula doesn't really make any sense Grin

As for the meat - I'd tell her I'd give it to her DD if she brought prepared food that just needed reheating (I'm veggie & wouldn't want to be preparing it, especially when it's completely unnecessary!!).

Morloth · 11/10/2011 02:48

I think that is a very strange request.

I would be happy to BFd a friend's baby if it was necessary, but I wouldn't ask someone to do the same thing for DS. But would prefer to give him donor human milk to formula.

It is the intimacy of BFing that I wouldn't want to share with someone else. But strangely would be happy to share with another baby.

It isn't disgusting, but it is a pretty big ask and if you don't want to then she should have accepted that.

Whatmeworry · 11/10/2011 07:08

This is taking the BF cult to new levels! "No" is a complete sentence, as they say.....

CheerfulYank · 11/10/2011 07:25

YANBU.

It doesn't gross me out or anything, but it's a very very odd thing for her to assume!