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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not breastfeed my friend's baby?

126 replies

mummyandpig · 10/10/2011 15:30

I know I'm not BU not to do it if I don't feel comfortable with it, but I don't know if I'm BU for not being comfortable with it. IYSWIM!

We are looking after a friend's DD (8 months) for a couple of nights at the end of the week. Friend's DD is BF, as is my 7 month DS. Friend brought DD round yesterday to discuss arrangements and when I mentioned bottles she got confused and asked if I wouldn't be BFing her DD. She has never mentioned this before and when I have previously looked after her DD she hasn't expressed any wishes for me to feed her DD. I've only looked after her for a couple of hours before, when she had some lunch with my DS and some water from a cup.

Friend is now being a bit sulky and says she doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to feed her DD. I don't know really, I just don't want to. I wouldn't want my friend to feed my DS. I have offered to give friend's DD my expressed milk that is in the freezer, in a bottle or cup but she said that defeats the point. She wants to know that if her DD was very upset that she would be comforted by me BFing her. I don't even know if it would work like that, surely she would only be comforted by her own mum Bfing. I don't know.

I'm confused really, I don't know if I am being unreasonable and prudish or not. She has also told me to feed her DD meat which is annoying as we don't eat meat and means I will have to buy things that will go to waste....

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 10/10/2011 16:02

Yanbu. I don't think there is anything wrong with feeding another baby but it has to be up to you and she is being unreasonable to be sulky and just assume.

pigletmania · 10/10/2011 16:03

Erm woe the child is only 8 months and still a baby and NEEDS milk.

RitaMorgan · 10/10/2011 16:04

While there is nothing wrong with feeding another child, it is unusual.

I find it bizarre that she would firstly just assume that you would feed her baby, and secondly get the hump with you when you feel uncomfortable!

Is she suffering very badly with PFB syndrome and thinks everyone else feels as in love with (and desperate to nurse) her baby as she does? Or maybe she is very nervous about leaving the baby, especially if she is very breast-dependent, and this is the only way she can think of making it ok for her?

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 10/10/2011 16:05

Goodness.. er, I certainly don't think it's gross and, with agreement and permission from both sides then it's up to you. But, it's a huge ask, not exactly like sticking in another jacket spud if you're doing your child one!

and to assume that you would do it and then get snippy? Very odd. YANBU

KatAndKit · 10/10/2011 16:05

It needs milk but expressed milk would be just fine. The OP already has her own baby to be breastfeeding anyway.
You are doing her a massive favour anyway so she is being very ungrateful to have such a sulky attitude. I presume your friend has a large dose of PFB-itis?

Faffalina · 10/10/2011 16:05

More surprised your friend is comfortable with it. Really don't like the thought of another woman BFing my DD. But, well, that's me.

And I think the baby can cope without meat for 2 days. Perhaps she ought to have provided the food for her child?

DogsBeastFiend · 10/10/2011 16:06

Out of interest, what would the mother have said if you weren't BF, either by choice or because you had no babe? Would she have still asked you to care for her child or did she only do so because she was assuming that you'd BF her?

And why the hell does she assume it's okay to demand/request/expect a non meat eating household to provide/prepare/cook/tolerate meat in their house? I'd have been highly put out by that suggestion alone - it's rather disrespectful.

Original poster
mummyandpig · 10/10/2011 16:06

Her SIL has 3 children, 2 under 3 so does not have time to look after her DD for the time that we will have her. Her exP now lives out of the City and we are really the only people that can take her DD.

I will talk to her about the meat thing. If she provides it I will cook it for her DD (I used to eat meat and don't have a problem handling it), I just don't want to pay for it.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 10/10/2011 16:07

Errrr, can't your head around still breastfeeding a 7 month old woeisme? She did say 7 months, not 7 years! You do realise that while it is unusual in this country it is biologically normal for children to be fed past 2!

Faffalina · 10/10/2011 16:07

woeisme I don't think the "issue" here is whether or not 8 month old babies BF. What an odd comment.

KatAndKit · 10/10/2011 16:09

Lets ignore the age thing. Perhaps woeisme misread it as 7 years. it isn't relevant to the OPs question.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 10/10/2011 16:10

I am a massive advocate of breastfeeding and human milk for human babies, but I am in complete agreement with Kungfupanda and Getoffmoiland.

Your friend, mummyandpig, has been incredibly presumptuous. I often joke about wanting to be a wet nurse, but I would be very Shock and Hmm if a friend assumed I would bf her baby whilst baby sitting. I would expect her to provide EBM or formula and depending how close I was with the friend (and if their dc had allergy issues - I have a bfing friend whose DD is cow's milk and soy intolerant) I would discuss it with her to see if she was happy for me to feed her if I couldn't settle feed her in another way and would want us both to be 100% happy with me breastfeeding her child. But I would not be happy about an assumption that I would!

And considering how rare that wet nursing is in this culture (lets ignore the weird adult breastfeeding fetishers!!) I don't think you are at all BU for feeling very uncomfortable with this.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 10/10/2011 16:15

Oh and the meat thing is also incredibly rude. I am sure her child will be fine not eating meat for a couple of days.

Woe Hmm do you have children? I admit before I had babies I was clueless about babies and breastfeeding. I bfed my ds for 2y7mo.... which is in line with the WHO global strategy on infant feeding which applies to all social structures and cultures including ours.

Kayano · 10/10/2011 16:16

I would ask your friend to get a psych evaluation and not leave my kid with her again tbh

Original poster
mummyandpig · 10/10/2011 16:20

Dog, I don't think there would have been a problem if I hadn't been Bfing. As I said, she does not really have anyone else to look after her DD in these circumstances but as I am BFing I think she thought it would be OK for me to feed her DD too.

Her SIL is West Indian and I know she is a avid BFer, so I appreciate that she might have different ideas about it.

OP posts:
topknob · 10/10/2011 16:24

This is complete fabrication !

slavetofilofax · 10/10/2011 16:24

Your friend is wierd.

DogsBeastFiend · 10/10/2011 16:37

:o @ Kayano.

lesley33 · 10/10/2011 16:38

I know in some countries it would be thought quite normal for a friend to breastfeed another friends baby. So I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

But I also think its fine to say no if you are uncomfortable with the idea.

valiumredhead · 10/10/2011 16:40

I knew someone who looked after a very close friend's abby for the evening - she tried to BF but it didn't work and couldn't get 'let down' so your friend is BU to assume that even if you wanted to you would be able.

diddl · 10/10/2011 16:45

Is SIL near enough for you to take the baby there just for b/feeding?

valiumredhead · 10/10/2011 16:45

baby

KatAndKit · 10/10/2011 16:46

Why should she be ferrying the baby about for a feed? She is already helping massively by having her for two days. She has her own children to look after too.
Jusy Say No is my advice and don't pander to any nonsense.

diddl · 10/10/2011 16:57

It was just a suggestion!

So OP-how will you feed the baby?

Will her mother be leaving some ebm?

DogsBeastFiend · 10/10/2011 17:01

diddl - Are you really suggesting that the OP should be spending god knows how long taking a baby who is perfectly capable of drinking formula or its mothers BM from a bottle or cup to its aunts house, hanging about whilst the aunt feeds it and then going home again, repeating the process however many times a day the odd mother expects? Hmm

Sod that for a game of soldiers, the OP has her own child/ren and home to deal with and is doing the odd mother enough of a favour as it is!