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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not breastfeed my friend's baby?

126 replies

mummyandpig · 10/10/2011 15:30

I know I'm not BU not to do it if I don't feel comfortable with it, but I don't know if I'm BU for not being comfortable with it. IYSWIM!

We are looking after a friend's DD (8 months) for a couple of nights at the end of the week. Friend's DD is BF, as is my 7 month DS. Friend brought DD round yesterday to discuss arrangements and when I mentioned bottles she got confused and asked if I wouldn't be BFing her DD. She has never mentioned this before and when I have previously looked after her DD she hasn't expressed any wishes for me to feed her DD. I've only looked after her for a couple of hours before, when she had some lunch with my DS and some water from a cup.

Friend is now being a bit sulky and says she doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to feed her DD. I don't know really, I just don't want to. I wouldn't want my friend to feed my DS. I have offered to give friend's DD my expressed milk that is in the freezer, in a bottle or cup but she said that defeats the point. She wants to know that if her DD was very upset that she would be comforted by me BFing her. I don't even know if it would work like that, surely she would only be comforted by her own mum Bfing. I don't know.

I'm confused really, I don't know if I am being unreasonable and prudish or not. She has also told me to feed her DD meat which is annoying as we don't eat meat and means I will have to buy things that will go to waste....

OP posts:

CristinadellaPizza · 10/10/2011 15:41

Exactly what kungfu said

YankNCock · 10/10/2011 15:41

xposted with OP, so her SIL does this for her, and now she expects everyone else to?

I must admit, I wondered if your friend was from a different culture where feeding other people's children is the norm or at least not unusual, but you say she thought it was 'strange at first' too. Your friend is being an arse by guilt-tripping you this way.

Original poster

mummyandpig · 10/10/2011 15:42

If she had asked me about it when I 1st agreed to look after her DD, I wouldn't have minded and I would have had a think about it and then probably said no. It's the fact that she's just presumed that I would and that she obviously thinks because I can, I should!

I feel like now she thinks I'm a snobby cow who won't share my milk with her DD!

OP posts:

choceyes · 10/10/2011 15:42

Your friend is being unreasonable.

I might breastfeed a friends child, but only in exceptional circumstance like say if the friend is hospitalised/in a coma/unconsious in an emergency, so unable to BF, and the baby does not take bottle and would starve if not breastfed.

but not for this kind of prearranged situation. How odd of her to ask.
Also I would not ask a vegetaration friend to have to handle meat so my child can eat meat..it's only a couple of days!

AMumInScotland · 10/10/2011 15:43

Well if she "found it strange at first" she can hardly complain if you feel uncomfortable about it too, can she? She should have asked you about this when the babysitting was first mentioned, to find out what you thought about the idea, and then decided whether to go ahead with the idea if it was so important to her.

mumofbumblebea · 10/10/2011 15:44

i find it unusual that someone who is leaving their seven month old for two days would still be breastfeeding and paranoid about their child's diet for that time.

TandB · 10/10/2011 15:45

Apart from anything else, she is making a massive assumption about how you feel about BFing your own child. When I was still BFing DS, the whole thing was such a massive struggle that if someone had casually suggested that I add another child's feeds into the mix I would probably have lamped them one! I dreaded the next feed as it was - there is no way I could have even contemplated doubling that burden.

bumpybecky · 10/10/2011 15:46

YANBU - she is being totally out of order

I breastfed all 4 of mine (longest for 26 months) so am not prudish or anything about bfing. If you don't want to feed her dd then you should not be made to feel guilty for not doing it. Same goes for the meat, she's is BU to demand you supply meat for her child.

I think she's very lucky she'd got a friend who's willing to have her child overnight!

TandB · 10/10/2011 15:47

Can I ask if this is a necessary separation or a choice? Is she going into hospital or something or is she off on a jolly? Not that you should feel pressurised either way, but if this is something that she is doing by choice then she really is taking the piss!

choceyes · 10/10/2011 15:47

Is she leaving her DD for 2 whole days? and she is breastfeeding? and DD won't take a bottle? And she assumes you will BF her DD? I just can't get my head around this! sounds bizzare.

Hullygully · 10/10/2011 15:48

People aren't used to the idea here. It's quite normal in some other cultures.

And rememebr the wet nurses.

ConstanceNoring · 10/10/2011 15:49

Yanbu to not want to do it, she is being unreasonable to assume you would.

I think only if it was an emergency eg the child was a fairly newborn and I was bfing I would do this.

At 7 months I don't think a baby would find any comfort from bfing from someone other than mum.

Odd.

pigletmania · 10/10/2011 15:49

Yanbu at all. She should not be leaving her baby if he will only have bm and comforted by the breast. Sounds like he still needs his mum close

Original poster

mummyandpig · 10/10/2011 15:51

She is going into hospital and is a single parent so I do want to help her out.

I won't be BFing her DD and although she was a sulky about it, she hasn't hounded me over it. She just seemed a bit confused and disappointed, I guess because her SIL does it for her.

I just don't know if i ABU about feeling uncomfortable with it...I love her DD and want to look after her the best I can, I just don't feel like I should be feeding her.

OP posts:

KatAndKit · 10/10/2011 15:51

It might be normal in some cultures but it isn't over here. So if the OP feels uncomfortable about the idea then her friend should not make her feel bad about refusing. It would surely be quite strange and unusual for the child too?

WoeIsMeAgain · 10/10/2011 15:53

i cant get over still BFing babies that age!

but as already said, BFing other babies is perfectly normal in other cultures/classes

Original poster

mummyandpig · 10/10/2011 15:53

Her DD does take a botte but her mother would prefer that I fed her with MY breasts!

OP posts:

DogsBeastFiend · 10/10/2011 15:53

Bizaare beyond belief.

All I can add to that is that I would have offended this friend earlier still - no-one eats meat in my house, no matter what their age or relationship to me.

pigletmania · 10/10/2011 15:53

I know hilly but does not mean she has to do it. It's up to the op

TandB · 10/10/2011 15:56

If she knows her SIL is happy to do it, and the child will feed from her SIL, why doesn't the SIL look after her?

grumplestilskin · 10/10/2011 15:57

I would BF another child if we were caught short somewhere and the alternative was it didn't feed. I would never plan to do so though. Donated milk is tested and screaned. Its a body fluid!

I don't really get why you would give your own EBM to another child if you don't want to BF it but that is just because my reasons are the above not the intimacy of it so I'm agreeing with you but from another angle I suppose. Also why would you suggest your EBM when she could just as easily (or not, expressing is a pain) express for her child. I would be super tight with EBM anyway if it weren't for the screening issue just because I HATE expressing

she is very unreasonable to ask you to give meat. We eat meat at home but so long as DS is fed and its not all cr@p I couldn't care less if a carer never gives meat!

DogsBeastFiend · 10/10/2011 15:58

Good point panda.

grumplestilskin · 10/10/2011 15:58

woe is me again, say what? you don't give milk to 7 and 8 month olds??

AMumInScotland · 10/10/2011 15:58

YANBU feeling uncomfortable about it - it's a very personal thing, and you are entitled to your feelings about it. As she said herself, she felt odd about it when her SIL first did it - feeling odd about sharing something very personal is not the slightest bit odd or unreasonable of you.

TandB · 10/10/2011 16:00

[elbows grumplestilskin]

Shh! I think that had slipped through unnoticed. Before you know it there will be 25 pages of "bitty" vs "human milk for human babies" debate. Don't go there!

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