Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit fed up of 'natural' parenting?

141 replies

TeapotsInJune · 09/10/2011 19:19

Hi

Before I start, can I just explain I am 100% behind anybody's choice to make decisions that suit them and their lifestyle and (unless those decisions are actually harmful) really am not too bothered what they are.

I had my first baby in June and joined a couple of parenting and pregnancy boards in anticipation of this. It's entirely possible that I've just been looking in the wrong places but lately I've been getting a bit grumpy by the implications that I'm doing things wrong with DD.

I am currently breastfeeding which is fine - it has been easier than I anticipated - but I don't want to babywear. I'm certainly not bothered if anyone else does but the one time I allowed DD to be wrapped in a sling by somebody she was soaked with sweat and she cried miserably. She just appears to prefer her pram. I also don't want to co-sleep and I don't want to do BLW either.

Please tell me there are other mums out there who will give their DCs pureed mush, put them in their cots and their prams.

I'm tired of feeling like a pairiah! :(

OP posts:
grumpybat · 09/10/2011 21:26

I did use a sling (hate the term babywearing), it made my life easier because dd would NOT be put down for what felt like months. I did co-sleep (grumpy clingy little bugger), I did spoon feed mush happily from (shock horror) 4 months (ravenous grumpy clingy little bugger), and I did BF until she decided she'd had enough (8 months).
Pick and choose what suits you and your baby and ignore all the endless earnest 'advice' and bollocks. It's your child, your business. End of.

MarianneM · 09/10/2011 21:29

Nice one Badger, you made me laugh :)

Fair enough about your return to work, and while I don't like my job (to a certain degree) it was nice to return to work after maternity leave as being at home with children is very demanding!

I just felt that if I had had to return to work when my DDs were very small I would have felt angsty about it.

naturalbaby · 09/10/2011 21:31

i always chose the lazy option. and the more babies i had, the lazier we got. on the other hand we also got more regimented in an attempt to rein back some of the choas. tomorrow i might break out the tie-die and carry ds3 in a sling to toddler group Grin (while pushing my toddler who is perfectly capable of walking in a buggy)

i still don't get why some people think it's child abuse to use gina ford from day 1. the whole point is to make baby contented, what's wrong with that?! i was in tears over it with ds1 because he just didn't get the routine at all (never napped longer than 30mins till he walked). ds3 was so good at it i turned into one of those mums who had to be home by a certain time so he could be in his moses basket with the blinds and door closed!

Putrifyno · 09/10/2011 21:32

These type of threads are what make me feel glad I never joined MN til dd was Primary age. I swear I would have been much MORE anxious - as it was I just muddled through. I never felt judged, nor felt the need to judge anyone else.

theboobmeister · 09/10/2011 21:35

I think big part of the problem is the labels and name-calling.

When my DD was about 2 months old, a friend asked me if I was BF and when I said yes she said "oh you're such an earth mother"! I thought this a bit weird, given distinct lack of tie-dye clothing and lentil-eating (my main diet at the time was Greggs iced buns).

I don't like the 'natural parenting' label either, it's smug and totally meaningless.

LilRedWG · 09/10/2011 21:39

Every parent and every baby is different. DD refused to be spoonful, DS quite likes it, 'cause he's a lazy little bugger. DD bottle fed expressed breast milk for a few mo.nths and then on formula. DS is obsessed with breast feeding.

Just go with the flow and try not to feel judged - hard, I know.

littleacceb · 09/10/2011 21:40

The problem definitely seems to be judgemental parents rather than any particular choices.

The thing is that when we make a decision to do a certain thing for the benefit of our child, and it turns out to be hard, we can sound a bit smug when we talk about it. After encountering (and being incredibly intimidated by) some smug mummies IRL, I've figured out is that it's perfectly ok to be pleased with yourself when you've struggled through something. So much of what we do has long-term benefits, so we have to grab the short-term gratification where we can Wink

theboobmeister · 09/10/2011 21:43

Very good point little

exoticfruits · 09/10/2011 21:51

It is insecurity-people have to prove they are not only 'the' way, but the best for the baby-as if all babies are the same.

IHaveYourToaster · 09/10/2011 21:52

Why would us sling users be inflamedAngryBadger? Seems very odd to me. I really don't care what you do. I have a few preferences but so long as nothing illegal/immoral is going on other people's choices just don't matter.

naturalbaby · 09/10/2011 22:21

The judgemental parents, yes. It's the judgey pants that are the problem!! If you're happy with what you are doing then why does it matter what other people say or how they look at you?

I would love to know what type of mother people judge me to be!

Arachnophobic · 09/10/2011 22:38

I am with you OP. I do not babywear nor co-sleep, good luck to those who do but I think you make a rod for your own back.

I don't BF. I will not do BLW. For me I am not sure my DD will get all the nutrients she needs that way and pureed for my DS anyhow.

And - of all things - I went back to work after 3 months with DS. With DD it will be at either 4 or 5 months!!

DuelingFanjo · 09/10/2011 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LikeABlackFlameCandleBNQ · 09/10/2011 23:23

Oooh, can I join your club teapots? I dont want baby sleeping in bed with me. I dont want to wear my baby on me all day in the house. I want to be able to pop them in their bouncer chair while I potter around them. I want them to sleep in their basket or cot at bedtime. I want to mash up their food and spoonfeed them. I want DH to give them a bottle in the evening, alongside me BF during the day and night. I want to attempt Gina Ford.

Horses for courses. But I do feel like an odd-one-out because of what I would like to do.

Hardgoing · 09/10/2011 23:27

Almost I also had a baby (dd1) who just didn't want co-sleep, or if she did, she wanted to be as far away as me as possible. I was very upset for a while, thinking this was very strange, surely all babies want to sleep snuggled up near their mummies, but she always slept better on her own in a moses basket (in the same room). She didn't like slings either and liked nothing better than to lie on the floor for an hour by herself. I was very baby-led, it's just my baby led me in a different direction than I was expecting! Now she's 7 and loves a snuggle and sleeping in my bed for a treat. None of this is set in stone.

NinkyNonker · 10/10/2011 08:30

What'll you do if tour baby wants the complete opposite Likeablackflame? It doesn't pay to decide too early, then you need to decide how far you will go to achieve that.

MoreBeta · 10/10/2011 08:46

"Please tell me there are other mums out there who will give their DCs pureed mush, put them in their cots and their prams."

I ama Dad and was not even aware there was a thing called natural parenting until I came on MN. Our DS1 was age 9 by then and to be frank I was gobsmacked at what some parents put themselves through. DW didnt have the patience to do it.

FGS! Fine if some people want to do natural parenting but to be frank I think there is a lot of bullying of new mums by zealots.

Our two DSs wore nothing but Pampers disposables, were not BF for more than 3 months, never co-slept, never went in a sling after 2 months and were not carried around endlessly. They did eat puree out of jars and they di have formula.

No harm came to either of our children and our sanity remained intact .... mostly.

NinkyNonker · 10/10/2011 08:50

Well exactly, that position is the norm so I'm not sure who these zealots are! There is safety in numbers after all.

AmberNectarine · 10/10/2011 09:02

Don't blame you one bit OP - I am a natural parent in most respects but that is the baby's choice, not mine - she won't take a bottle for love nor money, until very recently saw her pushchair as a mortal enemy and as for sleeping anywhere but my bed, don't make me laugh.

If your baby is happy then you're doing it right, however that may be. His/hers is the only opinion that matters.

fraktious · 10/10/2011 09:17

Well we:

use a sling - reflux, 2nd floor flat with no lift and no way I could take the pram on hikes
BF - cheap, easy
Co-sleep - path of least resistance
BLW - because I can't be bothered pureeing
Cloth nappy - we live on an island with limited landfill potential but lots of sun for drying and sposies are expensive.

But:
I work - we have a nanny, she does as we do
DS is in his cot the first part and only comes in when he can't be resettled/I can't be bothered.
I mash food with a fork
He doesn't get picked up just cos he whimpers

So on paper we look very natural/attached but most of it is circumstance and just works for us. I don't like those who define themselves by their parenting style either. Or those who treat it like some kind of competition.

But I will evangelise about slings because they're flipping fabulous and very pretty!

choceyes · 10/10/2011 09:19

I BF, co-sleep and use a sling, but I do also love my pram!
DC1 was happy in the pram, happy to sleep alone in the cot till he was 6 months. After that we co-slept when we tried to put him in his own room and he kept waking up so was just easier, but then I loved it so carried on till he was 21 months.
He didn't needed slinging, even though i had bought a Moby wrap he went in it twice I think, as I never got the hang of it.

But with DD now 14 months, she wanted to be held all the time, so my Connecta was a god send and I still use it daily. I don't what I'd do without it. And I can't see how anyone with a baby and toddler survives without slinging the baby TBH!
She also wanted to co-sleep and we co-slept from day 1.

With DS I did pure BLW i.e no spoon feeding at all, and he was great at it.
But DD was very slow and I just didnt' have the time to sit there for ages as I had a toddler too, so I ended up spoon feeding her a few mouthfuls and then she would refuse the spoon and then she will eat a bit with her hands.

So it totally depends on the child I think. You can't parents every child the same way. You have to be flexible and go with what that particular baby wants.

choceyes · 10/10/2011 09:20

And both are in nursery for 3 days a week (so not very attachment parenting I guess).

We do use cloth nappied though!
And I do pick up DD even if she wimpers!

MysteriousHamster · 10/10/2011 09:28

Natural Mamas is basically a sling site, btw and very lentil weavery, so that might be why you're getting that vibe there. I like it for trading slings and if I want bf advice but yes they are very pro breastfeeding/co-sleeping/constant babywearing (v.nice people though!). But it basically says that on the door so I wouldn't be surprised to see any of that! If you don't like it, just don't bother with it (I mean that in a nice way, not telling you off). I sometimes go there for specific things, but I wouldn't use it as a main forum to shape my view of motherhood bonding online.

I'm one of the randoms who uses a sling, and I'm the weirdo in my circle. Well, hopefully they'd say weirdo with fondness. I mostly use mine because the steps up to my house are a pain in the arse and when I was on ML I'd take the pram out a max of once a day and fell in love with slings for afternoon walks. They don't work for everyone, though.

You're in the majority. Chillax.

tryingtoleave · 10/10/2011 09:31

I am not at all a hippy type but I bf till 2, co slept and used a sling. It worked for me.

I was aghast at the baby wearer site, which was full of insane people who owned 40 slings and wanted more babies just so they could get more slings.

I was also quite Shock at a natural parenting site where posters were advising a mother whose toddler wouldn't sleep to 'let the child find her own natural bedtime'. The child was up rampaging till one in the morning and posters told the mother she was making great progress in finding her natural rhythms.

flipandfill · 10/10/2011 09:33

I use slings and co-slept....I also used a pram, bouncy chairs, disposables and other stuff- I am just a bog-standard parent trying to make things work... I do this stuff because it helped me out not because I felt it fit a certain parenting style..... I used a sling as she screamed when I out her down and I didn't like that... I don't use a sling in the house anymore, more when we go out as we both just like it. Sometimes we use the pram so I can push her off to sleep.

I might do it differently with the next child... I don't consider myself a 'natural parent' and I don't wear tie die... Most my friends happily use prams and I am not giving them daily lectures to convert them- but I do understand how you feel. I am not critical other parents, we are all trying to make things work

BLW is fine but I hate the term... I do BLW as my daughter screamed and vomited with purees... but you can't force feed a child, so puree weaning is child led. I do spoon feed a little bit now. As long as you feed a child, it doesn't matter how you do it.

The tribes which chewed food up and spat into their childs mouths only chewed up meat, it would still have been lumpy- and not all purred. Berries, and other foods would have been fed as they are.

What I did was what worked for us. I hate the implication I am 'making a rod for our own back.' and think anyone who uses that phrase is a fool. I now have a confident, independant 14 month old who leaves me happily and sleeps in her own bed.

There is no such thing as a mainstream parent, we do what we do to get through the night. I am a mum- I have no label... hopefully I am doing well enough.