to be a bit fed up of 'natural' parenting?

[TeapotsInJune]

Hi

Before I start, can I just explain I am 100% behind anybody's choice to make decisions that suit them and their lifestyle and (unless those decisions are actually harmful) really am not too bothered what they are.

I had my first baby in June and joined a couple of parenting and pregnancy boards in anticipation of this. It's entirely possible that I've just been looking in the wrong places but lately I've been getting a bit grumpy by the implications that I'm doing things wrong with DD.

I am currently breastfeeding which is fine - it has been easier than I anticipated - but I don't want to babywear. I'm certainly not bothered if anyone else does but the one time I allowed DD to be wrapped in a sling by somebody she was soaked with sweat and she cried miserably. She just appears to prefer her pram. I also don't want to co-sleep and I don't want to do BLW either.

Please tell me there are other mums out there who will give their DCs pureed mush, put them in their cots and their prams.

I'm tired of feeling like a pairiah! :(

I have a sling and a pram. I use whichever is most convenient for whatever I'm doing.

I have a cot next to my bed. Sometimes LO sleeps in there; sometimes he sleeps in with me. It depends what mood we're both in.

Surely this is normal?

All the advice I've been given is always of the 'do what works for you' variety (closely followed by 'this too will pass'!) so I'm also surprised you're coming across such bossy/judgy people!

There are some bits of points there though -- if your baby wound up sweaty in a wrap sling then whoever did it was doing it wrong, and if hairylights' acquaintance is using 7 reusable nappies a night on a 10 month old then she is definitely doing something wrong. So if you were deciding that using a sling wasn't for you purely because your baby got sweaty or hairylights was deciding against reusable nappies purely because she thought she'd have to use seven a night it's not unreasonable for someone to say "well, it shouldn't/doesn't have to be that way).

But there any number of other reasons why carrying your baby in a sling might not suit you, and no reason why you should do it if it doesn't.

I would dispute the claim that "the mother decides exactly when and what they will eat" in BLW -- the parents/caregivers decide (most of the time, although babies have an amazing ability to lunge for other people's food) what will be offered to the baby but the baby decides what (out of the stuff on offer) to eat. That just doesn't confer any level of moral superiority over puree feeding.

you don't have to have a label or fit a stereotype.

I have 3 v.young children (baby to preschool age) and have tried pretty much everything from babywearing, blw, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, cloth nappies, totally baby led (no routine) to gina ford, purees, disposable nappies, buy another pram to put the toddler in because he's far to heavy for the sling he keeps demanding to be in.

what we're doing this week will probably be totally different next week.

I think a lot of people find their baby pretty much dictates what happens in terms of 'philosophies' on parenting. I bought a nice Bugaboo (2nd hand!) for DS before he came along, only for him to scream like a banshee in it every time I put him in. Had to hurriedly buy a sling in order to leave the house. Next he decided he hated his cot and would only fall asleep next to me in bed. Any attempt to move DS back into cot resulted in too much crying for a very tired mother to deal with.
So I have a sling-carried, co-sleeping DS, and I'm praying he likes his buggy soon because at 20lbs he's fecking heavy.
I guess what I'm saying is you can have all the parenting styles you want but they mean nothing to your baby, who will just want what he wants.

I planned to sling it with baby number 3 but never got the hang of it. I had never actually heard of baby wearing until I started mnetting about three years ago!

I did BF for 2 years. However the concept of BLW was so alien compare to fashion when other 2 were babies. And thats what it is a trend.

I'm a bit fed up with the babywearing gang as well! - in the area I live in, they are EVERYWHERE.

Unfortunately, I've used Gina Ford with both my children (and couldn't have coped without that book), did controlled crying with the first, elective c-section with the second, gave up breastfeeding after a month... And so the list goes on... (oh, just remembered, I put my first DC into part-time nursery at 3 months so I could go back to work!!). I say 'unfortunately' because I've learnt to keep this information to myself whenever I encounter the baby wearers at playgroups (easy to spot, they all wear tie-dye and headbands). I had enough of the shock/horror gasps if I shared any of that information with them.

I don't care at all about the choices other parents make and would never force my opinion on anyone else when it comes to child care. However, based on the babywearing types I've met, they seem determined that everyone should do it their way and that those who don't haven't 'bonded' properly with their babies.

I have gorgeous, happy confident children, I think my DH and I are doing a great job and I have no regrets about not co-sleeping, babywearing, experiencing natural birth etc. I do wish I'd breastfed for longer but I know I tried my hardest with that before giving up.

If you really want to feel like an outcast - try pulling a bottle of formula out of your bag when you're at a massage group full of baby wearers :-(

Oh yeah co-sleeping, did it with all 3 but thats because I'm lazy and can't be arsed to get out of bed in the night.

I dislike this modern trend for "things that some people do to get by" to be turned into "my parenting philosophy"

One of mine went into a cot in his own room at 2 days (beat that!!!)

also things get turned into philosophies because people get defensive. It's unsurprising they get defensive because parenting is very anxiety-producing, and people don't like to feel they don't know what they are doing, so they get all evangelical.

Chill.

I never even HEARD of BLW until I came on MN, at which point dd was using a knife and fork. As it was, we gave her a mixture of readybrek, fromage frais, jars, purees, plus breadsticks, chips, fruit, stuff off our plates that she fancied etc etc to suck on. I always thought that was what everyone did.

I had a sling, but generally only used it if there were going to be lots of steps - in which case I strapped her on to dh. He enjoyed the attention he got very much .

I never co-slept. Dd is only 7, but I don't recall much mention of this - only NOT doing if you do x,y,z. She slept in a Moses Basket in our room for a couple of months, then went in her own room.

I am perfectly sure that I did it all wrong - but dd is alive to tell the tale, top of the class, and a happy confident little girl. She is dead fussy with food though, so I think with the benefit of hindsight, I really wish I HAD heard about BLW.

That is a good point, it is hard not to be defensive especially of you are not the norm. I wrapped DD in the pub the other day (we had been out for lunch with a large group and she was getting tired, needed a nap) and had so many "what the bloody hell is that", "that is ridiculous", "that can't be comfortable" from both friends and strangers alike. I felt I had to explain why I used it, to really quite sceptical smiles. They quickly disappeared when she snuggled in and fell asleep in about 3 mins flat and continued to sleep while we chatted and socialised for another hour.

However I use a sling I don't espouse myself as having a philosophy (well, bar max sleep, min tears, path of least resistance!). I use one because I find it easier, I enjoy the closeness, DD was certainly a happier little baby because of it, they are comfortable, allow me to get on with whatever I want, days out are easier, they are a reliable nap mechanism etc etc...not because some philosophy said so.

as a non BF, non babywearing and puréed mush feeding full time working mum with a nanny - I salute you.

but seriously, i don't care what people do with their children if they and their kids are happy - and i don't welcome anyone's opinion about what I do with my children other than my DHs. OK, and my sister's and she is a babywearing, BLW BF mummy! A good balance I think.

that being said, i do HATE getting comments about my choices. i definitely don't make comments about other people's. and i've had everything from "how can you be at work with such young children?" to "I can't believe you took 11 months maternity leave, I was back at my desk in 3. I guess you aren't very interested in your career".

actually that second comment, i got that on my first day back at work recently. still upset about that.

Well, my DD2 was born in June. I use a sling, co-sleep and plan to do BLW. But 2 out of the 3 were not really by choice (from the start she wanted human contact all the time and hated being put down, hence a sling and co-sleeping). I didn't do any of it with DD1, and I couldn't really care less what other parents do.

Before I had kids I used to judge other people's parenting choices. Now I've realised that you do whatever the hell you need to do to get by/have an easier life, and as long as the children are healthy and reasonably happy, then it's fine.

oh my goodness Ninky - how rude, I'm not surprised people are defensive then!

I suppose, having reflected a little, my only bugbear is the implication sometimes that non 'natural' parents are wrong - even the term 'natural' seems to imply it a little, as if other ways are somehow unnatural. Perhaps I'm not expressing myself very well, sorry.

I also tend to find a lot of the "the teacher wrote my four year old's name on the board for being naughty and now he is scarred for life" threads irritating because I am a primary school teacher and they make me paranoid every time we discipline a chid! (But we still do it!)

micro, that's awful as well.

I am taking 12 months maternity but have to go back full time (well that or quit my job) ... :(

Funny what defensive and hostile reactions people have to seeing other people carrying their babies in a sling! It seems to me the anti-"babywearers" are much more of a league what with rattling off their parenting choices as if it was a check-list:

"Unfortunately, I've used Gina Ford with both my children (and couldn't have coped without that book), did controlled crying with the first, elective c-section with the second, gave up breastfeeding after a month... And so the list goes on... (oh, just remembered, I put my first DC into part-time nursery at 3 months so I could go back to work!!)."

A lot of this "babywearing" stuff is just common sense: for example I carried DD1 in a BabyBjorn for a year because it allowed me far more mobility (in London public transport!), I walked everywhere with her, she napped in it so easily without me having to settle her, I could do the housework with her in it etc etc.

I was in no way any kind of "earth mother" type before having children, and am still not, but some things just made sense to me. Same with breastfeeding. After having DD1 nothing else occured to me but to breastfeed her, so I just did it.

And co-sleeping. We put my DD in a moses basket and then a cot, but if she's wake up crying it would be far easier to put her between us than try to find other ways to soothe her back to sleep. Controlled crying is something I just could not do.

BLW - we kind of did this because my very strong-willed DD refused the spoon altogether so we gave her finger food...what is so weird about that?

Nursery...if you have to do it, you have to do it, but surely no mother will do this out of choice when her baby is very small?

As NinkyNonker said, the vast majority of people do things your way OP these days, so why the insecurity?

Having said that, I am pleased to see such a number of BabyBjorn's (often worn by dads!) here in Muswell Hill

By the way, did anyone read the health news article in today's Observer about breastfeeding?

Haha, I'm a secondary school teacher, everyone loves us too!

You just can't win. I had a conversation with someone at a toddler group (I don't get on with these on the whole) that summed this up, I'll remember the details and come back. Great anecdote that huh.

Now if you were a 'real' babywearer Marrianne you'd be chasing after the Bjorns and educating them on leg position and trying to convert them to wraps! Tut tut.

Best thing is to make it up as you go along.

I planned a natural birth, just gas etc and got a stuck baby, theatre forceps and bladder damage.
I planned on BF for at least 6 months, did a month before I was too unwell to continue and moved to FF.
I planned to use a pram and sling but DD hated the sling and my health wasn't 100% anymore so not ideal.
I planned on BLW but ended up with a mix of squished and finger food as it worked.

The only thing that 'worked' was DD's sleep (putting her down sleepy but awake to drift off by herself). Now I've read more I've realised I was just very lucky that she liked her moses basket/cot and it a champion sleeper.

I've stopped bloody planning.

Oops, meant BabyBjorns!

Why is not natural to use a pram or feed baby mush?

In some cultures, babies are given food which has been partly chewed in mums mouth (ie mush), not given a full roast dinner and left to it.

In other cultures, babies are put in cribs, wrapped up for a year, encouraged not to walk until 1 etc etc. There are different ways of doing things, different ways of parenting.

I read your OP as if you thought that your way is somehow being shouted down by the "Babywearers" who are taking over the world.

Take your baby out in the pram and enjoy motherhood instead of feeling all defensive about it.

Actually, the pram and bottle brigade should be feeling smug, as I think my way was just the lazy way! (Our flat is usually a tip as well...)

i extended bf,babywear,co-sleep,blw,home birth and all that.... because thats what feels right to me, for my family

what feels right to you, for your family is f all to do with me, aslong as you dont question what i do (and trust me, ive had me fair share of comments about my choices) then i wont question what you do

Marianne,

Actually, I went back to work because I really wanted to! Had a great job that I'd trained hard to do and I missed working.

I don't rattle off a list of my choices because I think they define me as a mother - I've made other choices I didn't mention but I picked those ones specifically because they are the ones most likely to inflame the hard-core baby wearing types.

Incidently, I do own a baby carrier (not BabyBjorn though, sorry!) and used it more with my first. When I say 'baby wearing' I am referring to a certain type of mother ( based on the ones I've encountered) rather than anyone who wears a sling! I'm pretty sure the OP was referring to the same types.

Again, I don't mind what anyone else does. I'm glad you are happy in Muswell Hill, wearing your BabyBjorn and enjoying health articles in The Observer x