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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

boys with long hair

382 replies

violet79 · 08/10/2011 15:27

My children have recently started a new school. When picking the school we met with the headteacher and looked around the school and talked about my childs special needs and the appeared very welcoming.
The whole time we were in the process of meeting with the schools and choosing, the school we eventually chose said nothing about my sons long hair. In fact we read the schools uniform policy and the only mention of hair was no extreme styles or braids.
But now they have been there a couple of months the head teacher held an assembly to tell all pupils with long hair must wear a pony tail. I already was sending in hair bobbles for PE and swimming. But considering he is already being called by a girl by one kid in his class i thought this was a little off.
My son is the only one being chased up on the matter with lots of girls stuill coming to school with thier long hair down.
In a meeting with the head she said that another parent is complaing that they cant put tracks in their sons hair but my son can have long hair so she had to do something about it. Although i cannot see why as it wasnt in thier policy and tracks is...and tbh i feel its sexual discrimination. I pointed out that its not fair that some other parent should dictate how long my sons hair can be. The school have admitted they have a year 6 pupil whose had his hair long the whole time hes been there...when i asked if he had to wear a pony tail they said no but now he will have too...so this is a new rule just for my son. I have refused to put bobbles in his hair and the school say i am being unresonable. My son has special needs and has had enough stress changing schools without adding to it. Any support for my cause will give me the strength to stand up for my son.
p.s...he is adament he does not want it cut saying that it would not feel like he was himself anymore.

OP posts:
mippy · 10/10/2011 21:57

"mippy, in my experience , acceptance levels vary from area to area and opinions of whether it is a swear word vary from area to area...down south it was not an issue...where i have moved up north it is. "

I grew up in the north, in a place similarly not fond of non-conformism. I now live in the south. You are talking rubbish. And it isn't allowed on the Tweenies, because Ofcom have strict guidelines on such things.

The reason why people are curious as to the exact nature of the SN is because it does have some bearing on why this is such an issue, and why you feel in particular that it is your son that is singled out. I have mental health issues too and I know many here deal with ASD and other issues with their children. You say 'due to the nature of my son's SN' and 'medication that has been prescribed by the GP for a condition that could have very serious consquences on his whole future if its not taken in accordance with the GP's instructions' so it clearly does have an impact on this problem. I know you are worried about outing but there is such a wide range of SN parents on here that I doubt it would be an issue.

mippy · 10/10/2011 21:59

Also - fair enough if it isn't rude where you grew up but clearly where you are the word is considered differently, so you have to understand that people will be shocked or offended if they hear it from a child.

Oakmaiden · 10/10/2011 22:08

Well, yes and no, Violet.

You see, the school do not have to give children medication at all. I know of many schools who insist that parents come into the school to give medication. And I know for a fact that my children's school will only normally give regular medication if it is needed more than 3 times a day, as otherwise it is considered that with a little effort the parent can manage to give 3 doses outside school. The only exceptions to this are things like asthma medication, diabetic stuff and Ritalin type meds. Now, my point was - it could be that your complaint here is reasonable - but it also could not be. We can't really judge as we have no idea what the medication is or what it is for. Or indeed how often it does need to be taken. Without that information all one can do it assume that there is a reason the school are not "volunteering" to give it.

The school trips thing also sounds fairly standard. If I couldn't pay for a school trip I would expect my children to not attend. The school will do there best to get parents to pay for trips, before offering free places to children - because otherwise parents would just not bother to pay. And if enough parents don't pay then the trip can't happen. And it is also unreasonable to be cross at her for sending you reminders that the money was due - she is the head of a school, not your personal financial advisor, and she can't be expected to remember WHEN you are going to be paid and thus able to contribute. It doesn't sound to me like she has been particularly unfair to you there. YEs, she could have said "That is OK, you don't need to pay and your son can still go" - and that is of course the legal position - but she was never going to say that because then the school would have to find the money for your son's contribution from elsewhere, and school trips are really expensive to run.

I did cover the hair thing in my response before - where I said that in this you were clearly not being unreasonable and should double check that the rule is not being applied fairly before writing to the governors.

The comment about the form has clearly got lost in the morass of your other complaints - nbo, that doesn't sound unreasonable either.

However, your general attitude does seem unreasonable. So many times you have said "my son shouldn't be expected to change", "my son is being discriminated against because of his SN", etc. And frankly, as I said, you have given no indication what his needs might be. And I am afraid as a mother of children with SN myself, I do think it is important that a child is encouraged to fit into society where they can. I know schools are supposed to alter themselves to fit the child, etc, but children also have to learn how to cope with a range of people with different expectations. And you have said nothing about what his needs actually are other than to indicate that you expect everyone to fit around him. Now that might be reasonable - depending what your child's specific needs are - but I strongly suspect it is not reasonable.

PosiePetrifyingParker · 10/10/2011 22:35

Really OP can you honestly say that you aren't one of those people that can blame the rain for getting soaked and yet does not use an umbrella.....as that is what you sound like. You have to look within to change your environment.

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/10/2011 01:11

OP, I have to be honest everytime someone says something you disagree with you add something else to the argument as to why the school are being unfair to your son.

Whether you like it or not he will at some point have to deal with the real world where changes happen, there are rules and big scary people who say "No". As daunting as that may be instead of teaching him to use his SN as a disadvantage you should be teaching him that its ok to be different and that although he has a SN it is NOT who he is just a small part of him, he is still a person. BUT he must also learn to cope with the real world.

As for the swearing - and where I come from its a swear word, as I already said the onus is on YOU not the school to educate your children that it is not acceptable.

Stop being a matyr and accept yes your son has a SN but this does not define him. Release him from the bubble so he can learn to deal with things without feeling penalized.

CheerfulYank · 11/10/2011 04:41

Bloody is not a swear word in America. At all.

However, were we to move to the UK where is is a swear word, I would not allow DS to say it.

That is all. :)

seeker · 11/10/2011 08:12

So how come the use of bloody pushed HP up a category- or have I got that wrong?

violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:09

mippy it is not clear exactly what you are saying i am talking rubbish with...you just agreed that the north is not fond of non conformists...so therefore surely we agree?

and yes it IS allowed on tweenies...i sat there and heard it with my own 2 ears...please dont demand that you know when clearly you dont.

OP posts:
violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:14

mippy...i have said numerous times now that my older son has the SN and my younger son has the medication...how can the 2 possibly be related? i am not giving away my elder sons SN as i have said it is irrelevant...as i am not asking for advice on how best to deal with his SN ...and what he requires within school or out of school due to his SN because i have SEN and CAMHS and other organisations for that ...there is absolutly nothing that anyone here can add opr help just by having another child with the same condition as all children are different and what may work for thier child may not be what is advisable for mine...it would take a hundred pages for me to write enough about my sons SN for even any kind of mental health worker to be able to advise correctly , therefore not only would it be a waste of time trying but also would possibly end up with bad advice being given when i can access the correct advice from my sons health workers...i hope this is clear now.

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 11/10/2011 09:17

"i am not giving away my elder sons SN as i have said it is irrelevant"

Yet you are the one who stated that because he has SN he can't tie his hair back or have it cut and that that is why the school are "picking on him"

So you must feel it has some relevance.

violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:21

mippy...i have also already said that the word bloody at school is NOT my issue with the school...i have already said that it was in another thread completely irrelevant to this one that someone who noticed both posts decided to try and intermingle the 2 to come to some kind of conclusion which i could instantly dismiss...
i have already said that i have no problem with some people finding it a bad word...and i have already said i dont mind my children stopping saying it...(but here i will add once again that they never say anything curse like...they only say i cant get my bloody coat on if they were to say anything like oh bloody hell it would come out oh bloomin eck and its not like its every other word...i very rarely hear them say it at all!) ....but back to my point i am happy for them to be taught it is wrong ... i just mused on another persons post about the fact that it was said in the tweenies and i have kids who say it ...but are now being punnished for it now we have moved area...it was an observation of the area differences and whats tolerated where so that the poster didnt feel so ganged up on and maybe made them smile or anyone else who has the same problems with other people thinking their well brought up respectable kids are potty mouths...
yes i think the way the school has gone about it has been harsh...but that just seems to be the schools way ...it is not part of the issues in this thread as i have not had any contact with the school regarding it and no hassle from them...in other words i havent been called to the head masters office over it so to speak...i hope that THIS clears this issue up.

OP posts:
violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:25

oakmaiden...
i am well aware that teh school does not have to give medication...thats why i specifically said that i am annoyed that noone will VOLUNTEER...if i didnt "VOLUNTEER" to give my son his medication at the times he NEEDS it as directed by the gp i would probably have him taken off me and put into care.
My point is that the school is being pedantic and in doing so neglecting the care they are supposed to be providing for my son...
there is nothing legally stopping them give the medication and there are tens of adults there that could volunteer but instead they would rather worry about what if this and what if that than the long term health of my son which could damgage his health into adulthood...in a whole school the fact that not one responsible adult will stand up and say i will do it is pathetic to me...esp when they will do it anyway if he had to take it 1 more time a day!

OP posts:
violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:26

you are right ...there are exceptions..and this is one of them...as i have already said this is not antibiotic and there is no way it could be given all doses outside of school with the specific time lapses required!

OP posts:
violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:28

yes oakmaiden ...there is a reason ...and they are saying that reason is because what if i forget to give it ...now come on! ...that is just an excuse...i think i have already made the schools temerment and stupidty clear...why assume just because i am the parent and they are the establishment that i am the unreasonable one? come on! get real! ...people with power can be very unreasonable!

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violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:31

oakmaiden...regarding the school trips...everything she has done IS illeagal ...and the legislation clearly states it IS the schools responsibility to make it clear that a person does NOT have to pay and it also clearly states that they cannot exclude a child if their parents cannot pay ...or threaten it! ...this is law! ...you cannot argue this point with me! ...if i dont send payment the school is breaking legislation by sending out letters saying that i owe them X much and to pay immediatly without any indication that they are lying and its voluntary! ...LAW!

OP posts:
violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:32

oakmaiden...this is ridiculous...you clearly just love being the devils advocate regardless of whether you actually have any facts to back yourself up...i think i will ignore your posts as you clearly just saying controversial things with no real meaning behind them just to attempt to get peoples backs up.

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violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:34

posie...are you really saying that there isnt one school out there ran by a predjudice money grabbing hitler? and that all problems are in the perception of the parents not the actions of these people?

OP posts:
Peachy · 11/10/2011 09:38

The ds's schools make exceptions for my boys as they know their SN (ASD) makes it very difficult for us to cut their hair- with ds1 think 2 + adults pinning him down and we always leave the door open as we assume someone will hear screaming and call police.

it's not extreme though: above shoulder length curls / waves (see profile pics), if it got too bad and we could not cut I would at least trim in their sleep.

It's a partnership: I make sure we don't go to major extremes 9the curls I can't so much bout LOL, and that is ds1's defining look) and they understand.

violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:38

no ladyevenstar... i think if yuo read back you will find that if someone says something that ignores the information i have given then i will redirect them to the information i have already given...i am not here to work out if the school is bad or am am paranoid..i jknow the answer to that ...as i said to oakmaiden ...some of these people just want to knaw away at the fact so try and break OP down playing silly devils advocate games... i wont sit here and let someone write on my thread that i am this , that and the other when i have already previously wrote things that proove against that ...it is childish to attempt to break someones character down to a paranoid idoit whos fighting a dumb cause against a lovely innocent school with a halo above it just becauase you like to argue.

OP posts:
violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:39

cheerful yank...
thankyou for that ...
and i will add that yes i am retraining my children not to say it ...as i want them to not get into trouble...but that is not my issue here as i pointed out.

OP posts:
Peachy · 11/10/2011 09:40

I agree about don't pay don't attend but maybe I can shock people with remembering that the last children who did not pay were sent a letter saying they were not welcome in school after lunch trip day and lined up outside the building in front of all the other playing children to await collection.

Our school is nuts however and has a massively falling role, for obvious reasons.

violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:41

mippy i feel it has relevance but it has no relevance to declare it on here...i am not in court in front of a jury of peers who will decide what my sons needs are here...i go to my health worker for that and it is enough to relay the advice they give here fyi

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BatsUpMeNightie · 11/10/2011 09:41

Violet you sound like an absolute nightmare! I pity the school, I really do.

QuintessentialDead · 11/10/2011 09:44

Sorry, I realize there is a bit of a bunfight going on here, I will ignore that.

Your headmisstress seem to have suddenly decided to interpret the schools policy for you rather than allowing you to follow it as it stands.

I saw a school yesterday where nearly 40% of the boys had long free flowing hair. When I commented on this to the tourguide, she said that the uniform policy was no extreme styles, and long hair was not an extreme style.

I think you are right to think they are now suddenly picking on your son, and I would bring this further if I were you.

violet79 · 11/10/2011 09:45

peachy...my son is very short so there is not much difference between just above shoulder length curls and the way my sons curls sit...his hair is down to his armpit but when in curls it rests on his shoulders...i could probably get away with trimming an inch or 2 in his sleep however as his pulls it on his face for comfort he would notice much more than that...he also has night terrors really badly and i would be a little concerned about his waking up to a pair of scissors over him lol! ...that said i could probably get an inch off when he was awake. but the school want more than that :(

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