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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming at sexist Christmas Presents?

475 replies

WomanlyWoman · 02/10/2011 15:40

I attended my first PTA meeting the other night, during which I discovered that the pta have bought Christmas presents for every child in the school. Nice, right? Then I realised the presents were different according to gender, the older children get books, the younger ones such as my child, in reception, get crafty things from Yellow Moon. Great, except - the girls get flower presses, the boys get cars.

This has really p-ed me off bigtime. For one, my daughter likes cars, car was one of her first words, she adores Lightning McQueen and doesn't seem to realise that it's meant to be for boys. So what message does it give her about herself when she sees the boys getting cars while she gets a flower press? Admittedly she would probably like a flower press too, but that is not the point. What about nature loving boys? Why are these children being given the message that active dynamic machines are for boys and pretty, passive things like flowers are for girls? A nature theme for all of them or a transport theme for all of them would be fine by me, but this just seems so wrong.

I'm very shy by nature and I hardly know any of the other parents. The pta meeting itself was quite an ordeal for me, so I didn't speak up at the time. I thought it was pointless because the presents have already been bought. Why make myself unpopular, so soon, when it's already done and dusted.

Then I started thinking, it's only October, there may be time to send them back and order different ones if enough parents express an opinion similar to mine. Not sure how to go about it though. Opinions and advice appreciated.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 03/10/2011 09:09

At first glance I didn't think it was such a big issue, but actually I think it is. Yes its a free gift and everyone should be over the (yellow) moon about that in itself. But a free gift that is rubbish isn't really anything to be happy about.

I don't like the way the gifts say 'you're a girl and must love flowers, you're a boy and must love cars'. The PTA should really have thought this through.

We had a similar situation one year with prizes... PTA funded them, our chair's son adores football, so she suggested a football 'prize' - that excludes about 75% of children, making the prize only really have value for those who love footy.

Yello Moon (though overpriced in my opinion) does loads of unisex, non gender specific gifty things, it wouldn't be too hard to pick a selection of those.

This year, we're donating selection boxes, though in itself that causes issues as well, it isolates those with allergies or parents who like a little more control - me being one, I have a child who puts weight on easily, the ocassional sweety/chocolate bar I can live with but I'd rather not my son to be directly given a box containing 6 of the damn things!

Food stuffs, gender stereotyping gifts, clothes etc., its all very dangerous ground, and so unnecessary when there are plenty of ideas in the catalogues. You could put together a selection of 'bits' for a small price that would at least have something for everyone!

MrsBuntyCuldeSacBunnyHugger · 03/10/2011 09:11

I have one final suggestion to contribute to the thread then I'm done. I would propose that both the gifts are actually gender neutral, it's the way they are distributed that isn't appropriate. We have already established many girls enjoy playing with cars, and there is no reason a boy could not gain something from collecting and pressing flowers, leaves, whatever. As I've previously said my boys would probably be happy to receive a flower press. In fact I think that this is the best toy on offer as it has an educational bend in terms of botany, plant identification etc... So maybe OP could suggest to PTA that the cars and flower presses are distributed at random and not split according to gender. Problem solved. Any unhappy customers could swap.

Jins · 03/10/2011 09:12

YANBU in the least. What's wrong with a packet of crayons for everyone?

BupcakesandCunting · 03/10/2011 09:12

Box of cake mix.

There.

I've solved the gift-buying problems of every PTA in the world.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2011 09:13

Or perhaps scrap the whole thing? The PTA should donate all the money used for 'gifts'. That's a perfect solution - gender-neutral too.

aldiwhore · 03/10/2011 09:16

A paint your own personalised Christmas bauble?

A jigsaw?

Liking your idea lyingwitch unfortunately the kids won't be too impressed if Santa visits and says "You've all been so good at school this year we've donated your gift money to fund the PTA comittee's night out"... oooh, there's an idea!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2011 09:21

aldiwhore... I was thinking more along the lines of Poppy Appeal or Care for the Elderly or somesuch...

I like the idea of a Santa who visits and tells the kids that their mummies will be buying them the very perfect gift that they, the child, will love beyond measure... Grin

BeerTricksPotter · 03/10/2011 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatmeworry · 03/10/2011 09:28

"You've all been so good at school this year we've donated your gift money to fund the PTA comittee's night out"... oooh, there's an idea!

I can guarantee you will then get:

"My school PTA has decided not to give the dear little kids Xmas presents this year, and wants to use the cash on a bender thank you dinner instead. AIBU to insist they share the money out among all parents and carers so we each get 37 1/2p to subsidise the Christmas treat of our choice"

You just know it will happen :o

MrsBuntyCuldeSacBunnyHugger · 03/10/2011 09:30

I think that's the solution, LyingWitch, no gifts, no room for scrutiny or offence, less tat to clutter families houses. Most children are savvy enough to know that the Santa that comes to school isn't the real deal anyway, and usually someone's dad or granddad!

Laquitar · 03/10/2011 09:30

So does anyone have a dd who says 'mum i can't drive or be pilot/bus driver/manager because i'm a girl'? Confused.

I think some of you project here because you remember your own childhood and the stereotypes we grew up with. Our children are growing up in a different world than the one we grew up. And they are not stupid. One small present or one silly comment wont change their perception. Give them some credit.

When we travelled last month the pilot was female. My dcs didn't coment, we didn't coment either. When we arrived we met family members and the dcs were talking about the flight. When they said 'she' (the pilot) one elderly relative was surprised. My dcs couldn't even get why was he surprised. We told them that in the old years it was very unusual and they didn't even believe us. It would never cross their mind that this is a big deal.

I'm not saying that the presents were 'right'. Not something i would have choosen myself. But i don't think that a small present will shape my dd's future. (after all they 've seen me refubrishing our holiday house, digging, lifting, plastering, i don't even have to buy them silly plastic tools, we played with real tools in August so whatever the school buys them on Christmas it wont change their minds).

ElaineReese · 03/10/2011 09:33

YANBU to be annoyed by this - it sends out a very strong message in an environment you would hope would be a bit more careful about that sort of thing! I doubt you'll get far if you object, so it might be better just to talk to your daughter about the out-dated ideas still around about girls and boys.

Our PTA gave each child a mug for the jubilee when my dd was in EY, ten years ago. I wasn't that thrilled with it as a use of money (and it's a really naff mug) but I suppose they were just trying to be nice.

BupcakesandCunting · 03/10/2011 09:37

"I like the idea of a Santa who visits and tells the kids that their mummies will be buying them the very perfect gift that they, the child, will love beyond measure... "

Shock

NO! Mummies don't buy presents, Santa does. I'm sure you just forgot though. Wink

aldiwhore · 03/10/2011 09:42

Bloody Santa gets too much damn credit Bupcakes... we have the solution, Mummy and Daddy PAY Santa (cue long discussion about the economy of the North Pole, Elves are not slaves etc.)

lyingwitch the school council (made up of about 10 of the Junior Pupils) were given a donation by the PTA to buy whatever they wanted, they donated the money to the local hospice as one of their fellow pupil's dad had passed away that year. It really choked me that given the opportunity and choice, children really can be very very decent and giving.

whatmeworry I have a feeling that I shall be posting many a PTA outrage thread in AIBU just after Christmas.

MosEisley · 03/10/2011 09:45

Hello OP,

Phew AIBU Is a scary place to ask a question, isn't it?

IMO, YANBU to wish they hadn't chosen presents that play to gender stereotypes. But I wouldn't let it get to you, because if you let stuff like this get to you, you'll never rest.

As to what to do next, I'd let it go. You said 'it was pointless because the presents have already been bought. Why make myself unpopular, so soon, when it's already done and dusted.' So don't.

If you want to stick with the PTA maybe you'll gradually be able to bring them round for next year.

YoFluffy · 03/10/2011 09:47

I haven't read all the posts in the thread but agree with BatsUpMyNightie...it's a free gift for goodness sake, and "don't suck the joy out of it".

Does giving a girl a nature set (or even, God forbid, a doll??!) make her believe that she can only perform a traditionally female role in life? Of course it doesn't. Ask a class of girls if they'd prefer a doll or car and probably 90% of them would say the former - that won't stop them from later delighting in their own real car when they reach adulthood.

I was brought up with dolls, pink and fluffy things, girls' book and even had needlework classes for girls whilst the boys went to woodwork. Did it affect my later opportunities? Nope. Did it alter my life's course? Nope, not that either. Has it held me back? Not in the slightest, I have in fact delighted in surpassing the men I have worked with.

Isn't life too short to get worked up about a free gift?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/10/2011 09:50

I'd be Hmm rather than Angry. DS would probably (assuming ds was aware that the girls got one gift and boys another) be a bit Confused

Thankfully his school is firmly rooted in the 21st century so I can't see such sexist bollocks happening there.

I'm rather taken aback by the YABUs.

ElaineReese · 03/10/2011 09:53

Yes but it's not just about 'will a girl be scarred by being given this present' - it's about 'how does it look when you get a class and send all the boys over there to get one present, and all the girls over there for another.

tyler80 · 03/10/2011 10:02

To all those who say it's what children see at home that counts. What about those families who still have outdated beliefs about what's appropriate for girls and boys? For some children school might be one of the few places where they can learn that gender doesn't have to define what they like.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2011 10:02

NO! Mummies don't buy presents, Santa does. I'm sure you just forgot though.

Ah yes, Bupcakes, but as we all seem to be heading towards the 'Grinch' style, this is just one other little thing... and it is the truth, after all... Grin

I think that if you can bring your child up with their head in the right place, with a good sense of perspective, a dash of ego and huge importance placed on the concept of 'fairness', you don't go far wrong. That's what I'm striving for anyway.

I really feel as if I'm swimming against the tide... but perhaps it's better exercise that way?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2011 10:04

aldiwhore... That's really lovely; kids can humble a person, can't they? Instinctive kindness and compassion - without all the drumming in.

Laquitar · 03/10/2011 10:07

tyler thats true but OP didn't say she is concerned about the other children, she talks about her dd.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2011 10:09

tyler80... How does 'what you like' define who you are as a person, male or female? Not in my book (or home) it doesn't. Why is there this huge fuss about needing to bash the 'message' home? So annoying.

tyler80 · 03/10/2011 10:10

"what about nature loving boys"

This is the op talking about children other than her dd

tyler80 · 03/10/2011 10:15

Saying gender does not have to define what you like is not the same as saying what you like defines who you are.