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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want DH to come straight home?

149 replies

MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 17:15

DH is a primary teacher. He leaves work around 5 to 5.30pm nd has a 45 minute drive.

I am fucked off with having the children all day and doing dinner and bath by myself for him to swan in at bedtime.

He finishes school at half 3, so am AIBU to want him to come straight home to spend some time with the DCs before bed.

This would mean that he has to work later into the evening and he'd probably not finish until 9.30, maybe even 10pm.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 22:43

I hope the bloke's never offered a promotion, he might end up coming home as late as 7pm.....

Hatwoman · 27/09/2011 22:45

waves at MI. there are some quite odd replies to OP very much outwith the whole supporting other mums thing.There are the irrelevant monty-python competitive drudgery comments, the throwaway "advice" to move house, put the kids to bed earlier, and get a job - delivered rarely as kindly advice but rather as ascerbic and/or patronising quips. op you have taken it on the chin admirably.

do people really not get that the reasonableness of the request can only be measured with reference to OP's household - and whether or not there is fairness/happiness/support (all round) there - not with reference to your own situation.

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 22:51

Then what's the bloody point in posting on a public chat forum?

We can only answer as we see fit and if the OP doesn't like being told she's unreasonable, she shouldn't have asked.

For goodness sake she's a SAHM, the kids are 4 years old (and just staring school) and 9 months old.

Twins, triplets, sick or disabled...then I would understand why she thinks a coming home time as early as 6pm is late...but I don't understand her attitude and thinking based on the information she's give us.

In fact I think she's being bloody selfish to expect him to work in a stressful job all day, come home early, play with the kids etc...and then spend the rest of the night working with no time to relax at all.

I wonder what the OP would be doing while he's working in the night?

boohoohoo · 27/09/2011 22:55

I don't think you should/can moan about him coming home about six, thats really a decent almost early hour! however, I cannot understand why he is not doing the bath/bedtime routine, for my dh that's his time with our son, we have our dinner after.

cat64 · 27/09/2011 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 22:57

Because the OP won't do it a little bit later

WoodBetweenTheWorlds · 27/09/2011 23:02

I'm sitting on the fence here. Before dd started school, I worked a split shift - from around 8am to 12pm in the morning, afternoons with dd, then back to the office in the evening while she was asleep, from around 7pm to 11pm. Every weekday for nearly four years! I did it because I wanted to prioritise my time with dd and I was ready to make sacrifices in order to have that time with her.

BUT it was physically and mentally exhausting to be on the go for such long days, and psychologically, I found the evening work a huge burden - instead of being able to wind down at the end of the day, I had psych myself up to get back to work again. I also struggled to switch off and sleep at night after working so late. These days, dd is at school. I stay late if I have to but when I leave the office, I leave my work behind. I am much happier like this, and really don't blame your DH for wanting to just get it done and then relax!

FWIW, the teachers at dd's school all seem to be around until at least six-ish on a daily basis!

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 23:08

I've got a Governor's meeting tomorrow that'll run on til about 7.30pm and I can guarantee there'll still be one or two teachers milling around their classrooms....and some of them are 'shock, horror' parents with mortgages and families to support.

squeakytoy · 27/09/2011 23:11

do children really need a bath EVERY night?

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2011 23:16

Yes, squeakytoy, they do!

Inertia · 27/09/2011 23:16

Don't have his dinner ready for when he gets in ; get him to take a snack. Then he can help with bedtime when he gets in and you can eat together when the children are asleep.

fatlazymummy · 27/09/2011 23:16

Yes you are being unreasonable OP. 6pm is a good time to come home from work and is it really that difficult to bath 2 children [sorry I may not have got number right] and cook dinner by yourself?

squeakytoy · 27/09/2011 23:18

I am really sure they dont Imperial, unless they spend each day rolling around in a muddy field, or covering themselves in paint.. Every other day would be plenty.

sayithowitis · 27/09/2011 23:32

Since Op has not said what time her DH leaves in the morning, we don't know that he doesn't already get there early in order to ensure he can come home at a reasonable time. Most of the teachers where I work are in by 8am, many are in by 7am. Those are the ones who usually manage to get away at around 5pm. Those who arrive later tend to stay later. I know many teachers do their marking after work, in readiness for the next day. They also have to find resources and plan for the following week as well as the following day. On top of that there are staff meetings, management team meetings, parents who pop in to change little Johnny's reading book/inform the teacher about Johnny's sore toe/complain about that nasty Nicholas bullying Johnny. If the teacher is a subject co-ordinator ( and in most primaries that I know, most teachers co-ordinate at least one subject), there will be work to do for that : writing a new policy/scheme of work etc. Plus the meetings with other specialist members of staff, such as SENCO. Many primary school teachers run after school activities of some sort. I also know of at least two schools in this area who insist that staff are on the premises until 5pm.

It seems to me that there is an awful lot of work that the OPs DH will be doing that quite simply cannot be done at home. Maybe, instead of wanting him to come home earlier, the OP could delay bathtime by a short while so that he could help with that when he gets home. If the OP is eating with the children ( which is what it sounds like), then maybe she could wait and eat with DH after the bedtime routine is finished and children are in bed.

Hatwoman · 27/09/2011 23:34

worraliberty maybe for support? company? chat? constructive advice? see my post of 18:13 - it was possible to answer, in the absence of details, using principles. Bluefergie makes similar points too. and MI answers, as ever, using wit and a bit of solidarity

cat64 I agree - and I'd include the things you mention as being part of the picture of op's "household"

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 23:40

Support, company and chat is all well and good but it can wait til after 6 bloody pm surely?

This is the real world we're living in...one where people are being made redundant every day...one where people actually try hard to be good at their career and spend time with their families.

6pm, no weekend work and 12 weeks holiday a year more than fits that ideal in my opinion.

Fucking hell, he's not a magician and marriage is no all Mills and Boon.

mumeeee · 28/09/2011 00:03

YABU he stays at work to work rather than bring it home and then have to do it late at night. If he leaves work at 5.30 he will be home at 6.15 which is a normal time for mist working people. How old are your DCs and are they really in bed by 6,15

mumeeee · 28/09/2011 00:07

DD1 is a teacher and I know she is often in work by 8am and doesn't leave until 5.30.

NinkyNonker · 28/09/2011 07:37

The op isn't a SAHM, not that that would make her more worthy of an attack, she is on maternity leave. How is this going to work when you are back at work op? He may have to share then?

Original poster

MurunBuchstansangur · 28/09/2011 08:06

When I go back to work I will start at 5pm two days a week so he'll have to be back.

I suppose some of you will fins a way to flame me for that as well

Anyway, thanks to all the people who thought compromise is the way forward, he's going to come back earlier on a Friday to pick up DS from his activity (meaning I don't have to lurk there for 45 minutes with the baby as there is no time to walk home and then back).

Some people got more excited about this issue than I am

OP posts:

munkiii · 28/09/2011 11:30

Munrun I totally agree that the hour before bedtime is very difficult.

I also agree that if DH is around to help me with this, I (like you) am running around like a blue arsed fly tidying/putting washing away and the like.

If my DH is at home (he works away 3 nights a week) and his office is upstairs (and that doesn't mean he is on call to me during the day. He works 9-7ish) I do expect him to come down between 6 and 7 to help me and then once DD is in bed we both go back to our respective jobs if there are things to be finished until dinner. DH sometimes will then work on later, but he prefers to take an hour out of his day so he can spend time with DD.

Sometimes I will get some MN time while he is putting her to bed, but quite frankly as much as I adore my DD by the time 6pm comes I am climbing the walls with her. Luckily DH 'gets' that.

So Munrun YANBU to want some help and to want to find a compromise.

I am also a teacher, and for what is is worth before DD I tried to fit all my work into my time at school so I could relax when I got home but NOW I fully understand life has changed and I will do some of my marking and planning later so that I can enjoy DD while she is awake.

dreamingbohemian · 28/09/2011 11:47

That's good news OP, glad you worked something out!

I'm utterly bemused on this thread by all the people saying 'oh bathtime and bed, what's so hard about that, suck it up' while poor DH couldn't possibly do some work in the evening.

FWIW I've found that marking is not easier or more pleasant between 3-5 than between 8-10. I certainly don't think it's a huge sacrifice to work a couple hours in the evening once or twice a week, not only to give your partner a break but to spend more time with your own children!

I've certainly seen many women on threads talk about leaving work a bit early and catching up in the evenings. Of course not everyone has this option, but I think if you do then you should consider using it sometimes.

Why wouldn't you want more time with your kids?

minipie · 28/09/2011 11:51

YANBU

Seems like your DH clocks off work at 6.15 (which is when he gets home) whereas you keep going till 7.30 (when the DC go to bed)?

You say he helps with bedtime story half the time, but he doesn't seem to help with the other bits?

If I were you I would focus on getting him to do his fair share in the 6.15 to 7.30 period first. Then talk about whether he could do some work in the evening so as to be back before 6.15.

SnakeOnCrack · 28/09/2011 12:05

Actually, yanbu.

If he can come home earlier (and it won't affect his work) for at least one or two days a week, he should- more because he wants to see the kids/help you rather than because he feels he has to. If his job offers that flexibility, it should be taken advantage of. As you say, when you go back to work he'll be leaving earlier, so it's clear that is IS possible.

Bedtime is difficult, you have my sympathies!

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