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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DH to come straight home?

149 replies

MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 17:15

DH is a primary teacher. He leaves work around 5 to 5.30pm nd has a 45 minute drive.

I am fucked off with having the children all day and doing dinner and bath by myself for him to swan in at bedtime.

He finishes school at half 3, so am AIBU to want him to come straight home to spend some time with the DCs before bed.

This would mean that he has to work later into the evening and he'd probably not finish until 9.30, maybe even 10pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 21:01

I will admit to writing the OP in a fit of 'poor me's' due to it being scream o'clock and me trying to cook and jig baby was not working out. So I will concede IAB-a tad-U.

I think I will ask him to come home early one night a week, as I know that I need to let him have leisure time and he doesn't get a lot of it.

My favourite suggestion was to put the DCs to bed later. Why the jeff would I want to do that? Shock

I do actually think that he enjoys his job. I am supposed to enjoy being with our DCs, but everyone knows it's not all admiring drawings and blowing raspberries on soft baby belly.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 27/09/2011 21:01

Im going to skip a bit - coz I can.

As people will know, schools are being tipped ovder into academy status. We have one major academy plyer coming in a snatching up schools. this particular academty does away with the communal staff room and sets up 'Faculty Prep and Planning rooms'... the knock on of that is faculty isolation.

This particular academy throws out the line that all marking, prep, planning should be done on premises and not taken home. It expects staff to remain onsite till 5.30/6 and not affect home life.

So OP - if your husbands school hasnt fallen into academy status - expect your world to alter very drastically

I am fucked off with having the children all day and doing dinner and bath by myself for him to swan in at bedtime.

Get off your arse and get a job and join the real world.

He finishes school at half 3, so am AIBU to want him to come straight home to spend some time with the DCs before bed.

Well Ma'am he finishes teaching at 3.30 - he doesnt finish work at 3.30.

Im so glad I havent got an unsupportive partner like YOU!

RedHotPokers · 27/09/2011 21:02

I love the way the OP begrudges her DH playing playstation when the DCs are asleep. Is he meant to spend all his waking hours either working or looking after DCs? Is he not allowed one second to chill and relax?

OP, I would wager that there are deeper issues here - perhaps you don't get much support on a weekend/in the holidays as well? If that is the case, then address it with your DH. Expecting him to work into the night so that he can come home at 4pm and take over from you is BU. However, it is NBU to expect him to pull his weight when he is home.

HumphreyCobbler · 27/09/2011 21:03

I don't think you are being AT ALL UNREASONABLE OP.

I am in your DH's position, my DH stays at home with the dc. I get to work before eight and leave about four some days (obviously not every day) just so that I can get home, see my children, help with bathtime etc. I work every night.

I remember what is was like at home all the time very clearly - there is no competition, it is far harder looking after two of your own than thirty of other people's children. Of course it would be easier for me to stay at work and finish everything in peace, but I think it would be selfish of me to do so. If I was in a different job this would not be so, but I am a teacher, it is possible to do this.

I really hate this 'suck it up, it is so much worse for me and I don't moan' attitude on here. It is really missing the point.

RedHotPokers · 27/09/2011 21:04

'I do actually think that he enjoys his job.' Oh its like being back on the WOHM/SAHM thread. Another one of these DHs who just LOVES working.

Am I the ONLY person who has a DH who doesn't particularly like working?

motherinferior · 27/09/2011 21:05

I am also very taken with the assumptions that teachers have 13 weeks' holiday and no weekend work. Obviously state school primaries in sarfeast Lunnon live in a parallel universe. (I dared to tell DD1's teacher recently that I worked most weekends. She pointed out wearily she works most of the weekends.)

MrsCampbellBlack · 27/09/2011 21:09

Oh Murun - I feel for you.

I too have a DH who works long hours blah blah blah but as far as I'm aware its not a martyrdom competition or is it Wink

And that last hour before bedtime is hardwork. I too laughed at putting them to bed later Smile

Do you get any time to yourself at weekends? Try to factor some in so you have that to look forward to and re-charge your batteries a bit.

Good luck

snuffy143 · 27/09/2011 21:15

I agree with Humphrey - I too am a full-time teacher and I choose to leave school at 4pm (though I get there at 7am as my DH is here to do all things children in the morning) so I can spend time with our DCs in the afternoon/evening - it used to be picking them up from school/after school club and it is now driving them all round to their after school clubs etc. But I CHOOSE to do that and then pick up school stuff...er...now!!...so that I can see them. It is not ideal as I am knackered and things take longer but, disagreeing with Imperial, teaching IS flexible and I CAN leave then and be Mum for 3/4 hours before it is back to the books. So, OP - I think some compromise is in order, too, and I don't think it is at all U to expect your DH to WANT to be at home earlier and to pick up school stuff instead of play on the games console - no brainer, I'm afraid!!

biddysmama · 27/09/2011 21:21

my dh starts at 6 am and finishes at 4.30pm, half hour for lunch+2 15 min breaks... he also works weekends and school holidays... i stay at home with our 2.5 year old+13 month old+im 23 weeks pg...do u want to swap?

Original poster
MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 21:27

Also I am a bit Hmm that it's ok for me to be told to get off my arse because some of you assume I am a SAHM.

I do occasionally get to go to work for a rest Wink

They are our children, not mine. We both pay the bills and we both have to look after the DCs. Due to the baby being, well, a baby, I'm on mat leave.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 27/09/2011 21:29

Teachers work at weekends and school holidays

Disclaimer: I am not a teacher.

I do, on the other hand, find the aptly named Arsenic Hour very hard to handle. And am often occasionally tempted to work late in my own office in order to miss it.

HandMini · 27/09/2011 21:32

Arsenic hour - ha ha. Yes, it's a killer.

Original poster
MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 21:33

Why am I getting the 'my DH comes home at midnight and I'm Ggggrrraaaatteeeful' ? Hmm

It's really not the point what other people do.

It's whether I should ask him to 'pause' his work to spend time with the DCs (which would really be 'leisure' time, since I would be doing the cooking/ cleaning whatever, he'd be playing with them).

I have come to the conclusion that once a week would not be unreasonable to ask for.

I have never said he doesn't work hard. It's possible to work hard and enjoy your work.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 27/09/2011 21:40

I think you may be Redhot (that sounds like a compliment!), DH genuinely gets a kick out of his job (aerospace engineer). Even when he gets home he is designing/building some contraption or another, he just gets paid for it at work! Grin

troisgarcons · 27/09/2011 21:44

The reason you are getting a poke in the neck is beacuse no one else can leave work at silly o'clok in the afternoon to do bed time - then keep working till 10 because YOU cant manage bath time.

I think you are thoroughly unreasonable TBH.

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 22:02

My favourite suggestion was to put the DCs to bed later. Why the jeff would I want to do that?

Errr so that when your DH 'swans through the door', he's not just in time for the kids going to bed?

RedHotPokers · 27/09/2011 22:07

I wish I was, ninkynonker Wink.!

motherinferior · 27/09/2011 22:08

Take heed, OP! You are being Very Unreasonable. In fact your DH will probably leave you for a woman who does not make parental demands on him. You lost at the first hurdle, when daring to express dismay at the horror of bedtime.

maddy68 · 27/09/2011 22:16

I was still at work, I had just had my GCSE coursework kids and I was having a coffee before starting my marking of said work - I got home around 7.30 tonight
Tomorrow I have a meeting at 8am start teaching at 8.45, am on duty at break time, am delivering a lunchtime CPD session at lunch, I have a staff focus meeting 3.30 - 5pm them I will start planning/assessing/report writing after 5 so forgive me if I went on mums net while I was grabbing a coffee at 5.30.
I think the OP is being VU

troisgarcons · 27/09/2011 22:19

Oh for chissakes ... how bloody difficult is it to put a child to bed.

Tea. bath. story. Bed. night. If people keep on with this uppy-downy stairs or facilitaing the wailing bollocks you make a rod for your own back.

cat64 · 27/09/2011 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MurunBuchstansangur · 27/09/2011 22:29

troisgarcons If I posted:

AIBU to stay at the office until my DCs are in bed every day? I could take work home, but it's easier not to, and I can have a bit of 'me time' in the evening if I stay at work. My DH would like me to come home and eat and play with the children. I'd rather work in peace and MN while they are in bed.

I suppose I'd be congratulated? Hmm

OP posts:
MonsterBookOfTysons · 27/09/2011 22:32

MuRun YANBU to ask dh to come home a bit early for one day.
Hmm at being told you should get of your arse and get a job, it is like somebody is the maternity leave police Grin
Dh works till late most nights and I personally find when he is home bedtime is more manic but it is still nice to have him around and the dc enjoy seeing him too.

irregularegular · 27/09/2011 22:34

I don't think you are being (entirely) unreasonable at all!! I think most people here are missing the point. Just because their husbands come home later, doesn't mean your has to!

As a teacher he could come home earlier, spend some time with the children while they are still up and about, and work again later in the evening. That might work best for your family and the fact that other people don't have that option is neither here nor there. As I think you've realized, it might not work best for him to do that every night, but he could come home early some nights.

We're both academics and for large parts of the year have lots of flexibility. My husband usually stops work at 4.45 to collect the children and spend the early evening on family and household stuff. He then works again from about 8.30-11 almost every night, sometimes later. If he told me that he was going to do that 2.5 hrs from 4.45-7.15 I would be mightily pissed off and I wouldn't much care that other husbands don't get back until 8,9,10 or whatever.

Don't take any notice of the rest of them!

nightowlmostly · 27/09/2011 22:39

Could he not start going in to work earlier in the morning instead? My dad is a teacher and he gets in an hour and a half early every day to do all the marking stuff, then he can leave when the kids do! Would that work, do you need him more in the evening than in the mornings?

Yanbu by the way, at least a couple of times a week he should come pitch in at home.